Coping with guilt following sudden death of BPD Daughter after 1 year disconnect

[crazyworld]

My BPD daughter died instantly in a head on car crash April 28, 2013.  She was in another bad relationship and was distraught while driving.  I finally got her last voice mail to a girlfriend and she said she thought she was having a nervous breakdown.  It was a two lane road.  Somehow she ended up on the wrong side of the road and then did a sudden right turn to get back on the right side, but went directly into the path of a semi-trailer.  She was killed instantly.

I am struggling every day.  Now I find myself seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist taking 3 different medications.  I can't focus on anything and I think about the previous 7 years with her through all of her moves, job changes, and different relationships and spending money when she didn't have it.  We bailed her out so many times because of our 3 grandsons, her little boys.  She was divorced.  We finally could do it no longer and set free to make it on her own.

She stayed away for about 6 months and was trying to reconnect.  I was being very careful not to get too involved again.  Keeping my distance, but texting her and talking briefly on the phone.  I was to meet her for lunch 10 days after the wreck. 

I had not seen her for almost 11 months.  Then I got the phone call of the accident and she was gone - suddenly just gone.  I never saw her again alive.  My grief and my guilt are consuming me.  Has anyone else out there lived through this?  I would love to hear from you if you have.  There are days still that I simply don't want to get out of bed.  Thank you all for listening.  This still remains a nightmare - my sweet daughter - something happened in her early twenties after she married and moved away.  Whatever this is, it was getting worse for her - no medication was helping - in fact, I tend to believe that the medication was making her worse.  She was anorexic and continued to have no impulse control and moved from job to job and relationship to relationship.  I wish now that I had contacted her sooner.  If so, maybe there would have been something that I could have done to help her through that time in her life... . thank you for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Ahh Crazyworld, I'm at work and so can't respond too much right now. I just want you to know that I read what you wrote and I'm so very, very sorry.

[qcarolr]

Crazyworld   

There are few words to express the depth of this loss for you. My heart is with you  as you mourn. Please feel free to come here and let us share your pain as you are able.

qcr 

[peaceplease]

crazyworld,

I am so sorry for your loss.

FWIW, you did not do anything wrong.  I hope that your psychologist can help you rid your guilt.  I think it is natural to feel guilt when we lose someone suddenly.  You seemed to have done everything right. 

As qcr said, please feel free to share your pain with us.

peace

[lever.]

I am so sorry that you lost your daughter in this horrible way 

It is natural that you will be feeling a huge sense of loss and sadness.

When an adult has poor impulse control and is unwell in this way we cannot be with them at all times to protect them.

Please try to let go of the guilt and to remember the times you tried to support your daughter.

I hope your psychologist can help you with this.

You will also find a safe place on this board to talk about your daughter with parents who understand the dilemnas you faced during her illness.

Wishing you peace

[Reality]

Dear Crazyworld:

It is normal for any parent who has lost a child to feel guilt, always thinking something different could have been done.  I know parents who have lost a child to cancer, which obviously could not have been prevented, yet they still feel tremendous guilt.

Losing a child is the most unbearable sorrow, so it is said.  I would have to agree.  We lost our beautiful, sweet, difficult, brilliant son October 2012.  He was in our house.  I did everything possible to help him, to no avail.  It was a nightmare trying to get help.  Nonetheless, the nightmare of losing him is truly thousands of times worse.  Many days, my main goal is to get my feet on the floor in the morning.  My husband and I struggle daily to be brave.  

BPD is a dangerous illness.  Just like cancer.  You didn't cause it.  Neither did I, but I know how you feel.  

I am very sad for your loss.  It is a tragedy to lose a darling daughter.  Be gentle with your self.  Your burden is already too much to carry.  It even weakens your body physically.  Take care of your body, eat as well as you can each day and drink lots of water.  A little walk can lessen the anguish, I find.  

You are among kind friends here.

Reality

[hopeangel]

I am so so sorry for your loss!   

The truth is this could happen to any of us here, you did not do anything to bring this about.

I feel your pain so much and I hope time can bring you some of the relief that you truly deserve! 

I wish you healing and recovery please keep on going, you have been through so so much pain you deserve to begin to recover now! 

[Pizzas123]

I am very very sorry.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could hug you in person... .

[mary93]

Dear Crazyworld, I am so deeply saddened by your loss  :'( :'(. This is a horrible illness and no chikld or parent should have to go through it. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I truly feel your pain and as someone said in a prior post I wish I could give you a hug. Please in this time of great loss try and take good care of yourself. 

[Reality]

Crazyworld

Kay Warren lost her son a year ago.  He had BPD.   I thought you might find her Facebook post helpful.

As the one-year anniversary of Matthew's death approaches, I have been shocked by some subtle and not-so-subtle comments indicating that perhaps I should be ready to "move on." The soft, compassionate cocoon that has enveloped us for the last 11 1/2 months had lulled me into believing others would be patient with us on our grief journey, and while I’m sure many will read this and quickly say “Take all the time you need,” I’m increasingly aware that the cocoon may be in the process of collapsing. It’s understandable when you take a step back. I mean, life goes on. The thousands who supported us in the aftermath of Matthew’s suicide wept and mourned with us, prayed passionately for us, and sent an unbelievable volume of cards, letters, emails, texts, phone calls, and gifts. The support was utterly amazing. But for most, life never stopped – their world didn’t grind to a horrific, catastrophic halt on April 5, 2013. In fact, their lives have kept moving steadily forward with tasks, routines, work, kids, leisure, plans, dreams, goals etc. LIFE GOES ON. And some of them are ready for us to go on too. They want the old Rick and Kay back. They secretly wonder when things will get back to normal for us – when we’ll be ourselves, when the tragedy of April 5, 2013 will cease to be the grid that we pass everything across. And I have to tell you – the old Rick and Kay are gone. They’re never coming back. We will never be the same again. There is a new “normal.” April 5, 2013 has permanently marked us. It will remain the grid we pass everything across for an indeterminate amount of time….maybe forever.

Because these comments from well-meaning folks wounded me so deeply, I doubted myself and thought perhaps I really am not grieving “well” (whatever that means). I wondered if I was being overly sensitive –so I checked with parents who have lost children to see if my experience was unique. Far from it, I discovered. “At least you can have another child” one mother was told shortly after her child’s death. “You’re doing better, right?” I was asked recently. “When are you coming back to the stage at Saddleback? We need you” someone cluelessly said to me recently. “People can be so rude and insensitive; they make the most thoughtless comments,” one grieving father said. You know, it wasn’t all that long ago that it was standard in our culture for people to officially be in mourning for a full year. They wore black. They didn’t go to parties. They didn’t smile a whole lot. And everybody accepted their period of mourning; no one ridiculed a mother in black or asked her stupid questions about why she was STILL so sad. Obviously, this is no longer accepted practice; mourners are encouraged to quickly move on, turn the corner, get back to work, think of the positive, be grateful for what is left, have another baby, and other unkind, unfeeling, obtuse and downright cruel comments. What does this say about us - other than we’re terribly uncomfortable with death, with grief, with mourning, with loss – or we’re so self-absorbed that we easily forget the profound suffering the loss of a child creates in the shattered parents and remaining children.

Unless you’ve stood by the grave of your child or cradled the urn that holds their ashes, you’re better off keeping your words to some very simple phrases: “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Or “I’m praying for you and your family.” Do your best to avoid the meaningless, catch-all phrase “How are you doing?” This question is almost impossible to answer. If you’re a stranger, it’s none of your business. If you’re a casual acquaintance, it’s excruciating to try to answer honestly, and you leave the sufferer unsure whether to lie to you (I’m ok) to end the conversation or if they should try to haltingly tell you that their right arm was cut off and they don’t know how to go on without it. If you’re a close friend, try telling them instead, “You don’t have to say anything at all; I’m with you in this.”

None of us wants to be like Job’s friends – the pseudo comforters who drove him mad with their questions, their wrong conclusions and their assumptions about his grief. But too often we end up a 21st century Bildad, Eliphaz or Zophar – we fill the uncomfortable silence with words that wound rather than heal. I’m sad to realize that even now – in the middle of my own shattering loss – I can be callous with the grief of another and rush through the conversation without really listening, blithely spouting the platitudes I hate when offered to me. We’re not good grievers, and when I judge you, I judge myself as well.

Here’s my plea: Please don’t ever tell someone to be grateful for what they have left until they’ve had a chance to mourn what they’ve lost. It will take longer than you think is reasonable, rational or even right. But that’s ok. True friends – unlike Job’s sorry excuse for friends – love at all times, and brothers and sisters are born to help in time of need (Prov. 17:17 LB).The truest friends and “helpers” are those who wait for the griever to emerge from the darkness that swallowed them alive without growing afraid, anxious or impatient. They don’t pressure their friend to be the old familiar person they’re used to; they’re willing to accept that things are different, embrace the now-scarred one they love, and are confident that their compassionate, non-demanding presence is the surest expression of God’s mercy to their suffering friend. They’re ok with messy and slow and few answers….and they never say “Move on.”

Reality

...

[MammaMia]

Crazyworld

Welcome to BPDF.

I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your daughter.  There are simply no words to make the pain go away, but you MUST understand that there is nothing you could have done to stop what happened.  

I am glad to hear you are getting help. The loss of a child shakes us to our very core, and it is so painful that it may take a very long time to accept it enough to move forward, and that is ok.  It is

important that you be surrounded by kindness and support.  

We are here to help.  Please call on us.  God bless you.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am so sorry for your loss of your precious daughter!  I cannot even begin to imagine your pain!  Please know that we here on the BPD family boards are here for you.  I am praying for you as we speak and sending      !  I am glad you are involved in therapy right now and I hope you will continue with that. 

[crazyworld]

All of your posts bring comfort.  I knew that this was the place for me to come to... . everyone here understands.  It's so difficult to describe this kind of grief of losing a 41 year old daughter that I have been so desperately trying to help for over 8 years.  I stayed on the roller coaster with her, jumping at every issue or problem, dropping everything and running to her to help her get through that issue or situation.  Now, there is nothing.  She was gone instantly in a moment.  I was not there - she was alone and oh, how she hated to be alone!  It haunts me.  I am on medication to try to keep my mind from reliving it all, over and over again thinking what I should have done that I didn't do.

I would love to connect with Kay Warren from the post from Reality.  My daughter died on April 28, 2013 - I think she and I are comrades in this place we are living now.  It is a very alone place - no one understands - I have kept my daughter's to issues to ourselves, just our close family - everyone else just knows she died in a car accident so I should just be moving along now.  It's not that - my whole life I have been her sole support - her father left us when she was 2 years old.  She told a therapist once with me in the room, when they asked her the question of what she was most afraid of losing she replied, "My Mom"!  That keeps playing over and over in my mind.

Thank you all for being there.  There is comfort in this place and having the ability to type out these words to people who understand... . God bless all of you!

[crazyworld]

I wanted to add something.  It seemed to me that over the past three years of my daughter's life, even though she was on medication - whatever this is - it was getting worse.  She could not hold a job, she kept going to payday loan places, she kept moving from apartment to apartment even when she could no way afford the monthly payment.  In the end she owed pay loan places, had judgments against and was being evicted from her apartment.  She met a guy on line and decided suddenly to move in with him and change jobs again.  During this time, she was disconnected from me - I had stopped paying her bills and let her "go", so t speak.  Naturally, the new guy situation was a disaster because she started spending his money and using his credit card.  A horrible fight apparently happened earlier the day of her death - her oldest son witnessed the fight.  Then she went driving back to the boyfriend's house.  I'm convinced she was probably texting or on the phone because her last voice mail that went to a girlfriend was finally sent to me, and she was crying and saying that this relationship was not going to work and she felt she was having a nervous breakdown.  She was so thin when she died.  I know it sounds silly, but I believe whatever this disease is, that is was slowly killing my daughter just like a cancer.  There seems to be no attention paid to this and people with this disorder just struggle every day of their life.  Prior to having this, I had a beautiful, loving caring daughter who was a NICU nurse and flew in helicopters to bring the premmies back to her hospital.  I struggle with, what happened to her?,why did it happen?, what is it? and mainly why can't anyone do anything to help her?  Had to get that off my chest.  again, thanks for listening

[jellibeans]

Dear crazyworld

I am so sorry for your loss... . it is natural to feel guilty but really you are not to blame. How my heart hurts for you... . it really reminds me to make the most of each day and love the people in it as much as I can while they are here. I am sure you had a lifetime of helping your dd and it is just sad her life ended like this.

[MammaMia]

Crazyworld

From what you have told us, has anyone ever considered that your daughter's death was a suicide?  

I know this is a very sensitive subject, but her life was in turmoil and she may have given up, just like Matt Warren. The potential is huge for pwBPD versus the general population to die by their own hand.  

There are parallels between your daughter and the Warrens' son.  Both had family love and support.

Matt Warren specifically had the best medical treatment/therapy/hospitalizations available anywhere in the world, and yet no one could prevent him from taking his own life.  After years and years of fighting depression and BPD, the Warren Family believes it was his destiny.

The best source of information would be the Warrens.  They have started a foundation to help families deal with BPD.  I hope you can reach them as I know they would be a source of huge support for you at this time.  I think you can actually contact Rick and Kay Warren on-line.  Just Google them.

No matter the cause of your loss, I wish you comfort and peace.  Please keep us posted

[Reality]

Crazyworld

I think it would be very helpful to have a place where those who have died from BPD are recognized.  I am thinking on an international level. 

In no way do I think my son was meant to die.  He did not want to die.  He died because

I was too traumatized AND no-one stepped forward to help me... . not friends, family nor professionals.  Personally, I think Matt Warren died because the Warrens with all of their connections etc did not find the help he needed.  Maybe it was the same for your daughter.   These darling souls are very vulnerable in our INVALIDATING CULTURE.  They need kindness and community, rare commodities in our world. 

You know, I did the best I could, but I could have done better.  No-one will convince me otherwise.  I live with that.  It is a harsh reality for me.  No-one agrees with me, which is kind of them, but I see my errors, human failings.  Losing my son is a horrible tragedy. 

I know I sound negative, but this is my reality.  I think these vulnerable souls need extraordinary care.  I was waylaid because my son was so handsome, intelligent, sweet and in some ways ahead of the game. 

Everyone deals with grief in his/her own way.  It does seem to me that only those who have lost a child can understand the depth of the loss.  It is unimaginable.

Be very gentle to your self.  Follow your path step by step and look for kind souls to care for you.

Reality

[MammaMia]

Reality

There are things in this world that we cannot control.  Suicide is a fear every parent with a BPD child lives with every day.  Severe mental illness, despite intense treatment and immense love, cannot be cured, and often their pain consumes them. 

Please forgive yourself and your son. He would not want you to suffer this way.

I wish you peace.

[crazyworld]

I have thought many times that it could have been suicide... . that was her thought and then maybe she changed her mind quickly and the truck could not avoid her when she swerved back into his path from the side of the road.  I know we are blessed that her 3 boys were not in the car with her - normally they would have been.  She saw all 3 of them that afternoon and they all told their mommy that they loved her - they tell me that now.  So, yes, I think she was so tired.  It was a daily struggle for her and as I said, I think she was getting worse.  Funny, the day of her visitation I felt like there was a strong message from her telling that she was sort of like in hospice and there was no cure, Mom.  It was never going to get better.  She was a nurse and this feeling was so strong that I had that day... . the feeling about hospice and never getting better.  I know she is better now and the pain and struggling is gone.   I don't know if it is possible for this brain disease, which is what we call it, to keep getting worse and worse, even with medication.  She could no longer face the world and when I or others tried to help, she just could not accept the help and would run, run, run from us.  It is worse than losing a loved one to cancer.  No one understands this disorder - so it is impossible to talk to any one about this... . except for all of you.  I will try to see if I can connect with the Warren's.  I tried once because I saw an article about their son and that he had BPD and died the same month and year as my daughter.  I will try again.  I like the idea of a foundation for lost ones... .  

[mama72]

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, crazyworld. I will pray for you to find some peace and healing.

God Bless.

[MammaMia]

Crazyworld

My cousin lost her only child, a beautiful, intelligent, awesome 12 year old daughter to suicide caused by incessant bullying at school and cyber bullying at home.  She says the pain and loss is something she will never, ever heal from. And that no one who has not lost a child can possibly understand the torment and pain she lives through every single day.  Her daughter was actively being treated for anxiety and depression and monitored very closely. The school and law enforcement were involved in protecting Payton from the bullies. No one saw this coming.

She has started a national antibullying foundation and works tirelessly with state legislatures and school systems to stop this deadly epidemic. She has focused her anxiety and pain in a positive way by keeping her daughter's memory alive through Payton's Pledge.  It is her primary source of strength and comfort.  If she can prevent one child and parent from the hell she has been through, she believes her life will have been worthwhile.

My heart breaks for her when she relates that people tell her to "just get over it and move on"... . how unbelievably cruel. We are talking about the needless death of a child here, not a pet.  

Words cannot adequately express the sorrow involved, and only God knows why these things are allowed to happen.  There is no logic to this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[whiletheseasonspass]

Dear Crazyworld,

I have been following your thread and trying to find the word to write to you.  There are so many who have been on this board who could be in your shoes.  I read all of your prior posts and the magnitude of what you have lived having your dd with this brain disorder that kept getting worse and the chaos and pain that you and she lived with - well what I can tell you is that I understand that magnitude of chaos and pain.  And the helplessness you must have felt. 

And  what gets me so upset is the way the Mental Health SYSTEM is so broken and soo inside-out that we cannot help our adult children AT ALL for they are the ones who have the say and what we try to do to help them while they refuse our help which is part of this disorder for many of our children... . it is a no win situation in some of our cases. 

My heart breaks for you.  It is so easy to tell that you are a caring wonderful person and  I wonder as Reality suggested- this car wreck may have been predetermined even if hours or minutes before your dd was driving on the wrong side of the road.

I am so sorry for the anguish you are feeling.  I know two moms - who are grieving the loss of their children- both of whom were adults- both of whom were mentally ill.  Each fell through the cracks of our broken, uncaring MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM as your dd did.  The fact that your dd is not on this earth is not your doing but the doing of all that is inside out and uncaring.  You cared deeply but as Reality said about her situation it is difficult to get help even sometimes from family.  And even in Kay Warren's place- all of the love of family and who was surrounding her Matthew could not prevent her son Matthew from what happened to him. 

Pete Earley wrote a book called CRAZY which is not about his son who has bi-polar but about the mental health system.  That craziness is what harms our mentally ill children - especially when they are adults.

If you decide to do some activism work which might help you - you might want to read his blog.

www.peteearley.com/blog/


  He does lots of activism work himself.    He writes on his blog and people write in comments.  Some of the people who have written comments share your very agony.   You can go back and read older blogs to find the ones that  fit or comments that help you.  You can write on his blog comments or email him about your anger about the mental health system and sometimes he writes back. I have emailed him a few times and he has written back to me.

If you want to become an activist- he might be able to direct you but I am not 100% sure about that. 

I think it is helpful for you that Reality put the latest Facebook Post of Kay Warren here for you and I would like to hope for your sake that it would be cathartic to join them in their efforts if this is possible or doable for you when you can muster up the where-with-all.

Meanwhile I send you my deepest condolences and love.

wtsp

[hopeangel]

I have just come back to this post and after reading posts of reports of  people with no such experience expecting the bereaved to 'get over it' and carry on socially it had brought back a few memories of when I lost both my parents - I did experience kindness but certain people were extremely callous and some 'friends' dropped hints I should be going out with them again after about a year!

This bearing in mind I also had a very sick daughter, I am not sure to this day if my reaction to that was right or wrong or just human but I have cut those people out of my life since I have realised I cope best around people who respect my boundaries with regard to grief and personal matters!

I had many clients, the vast majority were so kind but a few were absolutely ruthlessly heartless, one even played a mean trick on me!  I have never worked for these again!

Maybe I was too extreme but that was how I felt and I still feel so I would say to anyone suffering deal with yourself first during the coming years NOT what others think and expect - they are fine you are not, and that is the deal!

Just for the record I still rarely socialise and I have changed forever but to me personally that is fine so others can deal with things there own way too!

This is just how things affected me personally but if it helps Crazyworld at all I don't mind sharing!

I wish you all the healing in the world and implore you to ignore anyone else's misguided opinions on grief and how long it should last, they do not know anything  until it is them! xx

[pessim-optimist]

Dear Crazyworld, 

I am so very sorry  - please take the time you need, and be gentle with yourself... .

We have a friend who lost his 19 year old son in a car accident. It was most likely an accident, but he also struggled with the idea that it could have been a suicide. The suddenness of such a loss makes it more difficult to heal from. It took our friend 7 years before he really started feeling better. He says - and I believe him - that he will never be the same, but that he is doing much better now.

I have read somewhere that if our loss is sudden, or if we experience multiple losses, our grief can turn into what they started calling 'complicated grief' - grief that doesn't get better with time and needs special therapy to get through. It is too early to say in your case - it's only been 11 months... . you are still in the thick of it... .

In any case - take it slowly, and gently, and should you need more therapy down the road, please don't be hard on yourself - you have been through a lot. 

[Reality]

Crazyworld

Grief is profound trauma.  It doesn't matter what the story of the loss might be, the deep trauma is deep trauma. 

When one is traumatized, it seems like words float far away.  They sound ridiculous.  I wonder how similar this deep trauma is to what a person with BPD experiences. 

Hard to get out of bed, anger at people's well-meant but often stupid ideas that don't fit the reality at all, trouble focusing, difficulty doing daily tasks, no sense of time... .

Reality

[qcarolr]

When my dad died I was so very angry - at him. Then I felt so guilty about that feeling. I accepted some grief counseling at the local hospice center - a couple private sessions and a very small group. It helped me move to another stage of my grieving. I still miss him very much. The group was at no cost.

He chose to go for a heart transplant that failed. Guess I was angry at the doctors too. And I was angry at myself for skipping some chances to spend time with him those last couple of years, knowing he was struggling with heart failure. That guilt really kept me stuck.

Crazyworld, if the counseling you are getting now is not moving you in your grief and guilt be open to finding someone that can understand the grieving process and the BPD your DD was struggling with.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Take as long as you need - keep coming back. We care.

qcr

[crazyworld]

Thank you all so much for your posts and loving thoughts.  I do agree that the head on crash and the sudden loss has broken my heart into small pieces.  You have no time to prepare for the loss - it just happens.  In my case, my daughter was divorced and in so many different relationships, moving all of the time, being evicted, etc.  It was me that had to collect all of her belongings from her car, from her place where she was living.  Going through everything of a household of a grown daughter with BPD is somewhat like living in the fog of her life.  Everything was in such a huge mess - she never threw anything away.  Paperwork unopened from 2008 had to be opened and sorted.  She was very good about keeping all of her 3 boys keepsakes, their drawings, their baby blankets, etc.  But I would find them intermingled in a box of trash.  That part alone took a huge toll on me.  She had 5-6 purses going at the same time - had to sort all of them.  Bottles of medication unused in various places - different types of medication.  It caused to really understand that her little world was a very confusing place to be and she was not getting better, only getting worse.  So, yes - I agree that the sudden loss of my only daughter has put me in a place where I have never been before.  Lost my Mom and Dad, but this is different place - a place that will take time to get through.  Being able to write my fears and thoughts here does provide an outlet.  Thank you all for being there... .

[MammaMia]

crazyworld

I understand what you are saying about going through your daughter's belongings. We find things after a death that they never intended us to see.  Often this compounds our sense of sadness about their lives and its secrets.

I found this to be true when my 56 year old brother died suddenly.  He was single, successful, lived alone in a different part of our state, and not until after his death did we learn he had retired from the work he loved and was living as a recluse. It made me feel sick to realize how little I actually knew about him, his life, and his problems.  

I felt like we were intruding into a world we did not even know existed.  

All I can say is to let the emotions flow.  You will be sad, angry, guilty, relieved, and heartbroken... . all at once!  A sudden death reminds us all that we are mortal.  We never had a chance to say goodbye.  Never had a chance to say things we should have said, or take back things we should not have said or done. We were robbed of closure.  

So, I talked to my brother and shared all of those feelings with him.  I have no doubt he was with us as we went through his house.  Probably laughing at us... .

Talk to your daughter and tell her all the things you ever wanted to say.  She will hear you and you will both feel better for having done it. I believe death is not the end but rather the beginning of a new adventure for those who pass and for us.  Spirits are all around us and we should take advantage of that.  They need closure too.

Take all the time you need.  There is no timetable for grief.

All I can say is to let the emotions flow.

[jellibeans]

dear crazyworld

That is a very sad picture you paint... . I can see you going through her things and I feel that must have given you a real insight into her world. My dd bedroom is like a bomb went off in there but she seems to know where things are etc... . I think it is just how their brain works... . don't read too much into what you found... . there is already enough sadness... . don't torture your mind with the what if's... . you did the best you could for your dd... . sometimes there is really nothing left for us to do to help.