Longest NC unheard

[ScotisGone74]

I know I should not care, I've gotten better by leaps and bounds, but really almost 14 months later it is hard for me to fathom not hearing one peep, one I'm sorry, one letter saying something about how she was so callous, hateful, or that she is now getting help, anything.   Even though I've blocked her from everything she knows how to get in touch with me if she needs to.   I guess really when I think about it no one close to being a normal human being could be declaring their love for you for over two years, then in a haze marry someone literally behind your back, and poof gone forever.   True sickness.   

[Clearmind]

It's natural to feel bitter when faced with rejection!

Why would you want to hear from her Scot? How will that help you detach and move forward? What is it you need to do to detach?

[ScotisGone74]

It won't help me detach, I've already done that.    But it would help to validate my feelings and the hell I was put through for nothing.  It would possibly allow me to make an attempt at making sense of why someone would purposefully try to ruin your life. 

And to be straight about it, I'm not bitter with rejection.   I was confused as to why a person I gave nothing but love to would purposefully try to ruin me.   

[Jb2003]

Scotisgone I am learning that normal human emotion and rational reasonings for a pwBPD is not possible... . I have summized that they cut and run because we love them... . and have the inane ability to , suppress their feelings.it is not the person it is the BPD... . And generally it isn't personal... . pwBPD I think just look for the next good feeling to validate them before the devaluation begins... . I hate it... . makes me feel used and unworthy of anyone, but it IS NOT a problem with me or you,it is a problem with them. I have cried,hit,screamed and cursed myself silly till I came to this revelation that EVERYONE has been telling me on this site. There is nothing I could have done differently or said softer or louder that would have changed this outcome... . And if I allow a recycle then the healing and the pain I have been going thru was for nothing and I have no problem saying that this is and has been one of the most painful things I have ever gone thru. But it is what it is... .

[ScotisGone74]

I don't know, part of me would honestly like to just have a conversation with her to say that:   you shouldn't have did what you did-because it will end up hurting you as well, and that what you did was horribly cruel- I can't believe I loved you.   

Anyway, this stuff doesn't wash off or go away it seems.   Truly it seems like I was emotionally raped,  Coming from a guy that weighs 250lbs. 

[WhatTheFrank]

Just think, that's 14 months without her directly interfering with your life, giving you space.  That's a blessing!  Yeah, I want(ed) "closure" on her part, but she couldn't resist kicking me when I was already down.  I have a big thing about respect, and it was hard to finally realize she never respected me.

It has also been months since I last had contact.  Any power she has over me now I'm giving to her.

[corraline]

i wrote a letter yesterday

it was a nice one i thought.

telling him how i have come to understand my part and thanked him

i almost had the stamp on but stopped myself

i questioned my intentions about mailing it

i realized that i was wondering how he would respond

the fact that i was questioning this stopped me from going further

still trying to control the outcome by connecting to him

i realize that this was not the way to go

so , its still here

i dont give advice here much but suggestions rather.

it may be an idea to just get the feelings out to them that you want to express but not send it to them if you are unclear or still attached.

probably an interesting exercise to have a look at them one day down the road when more healing has occurred. or not... . maybe that would be opening the wound again.  not sure. maybe a ritualistic letting go with the letters ... . set them aflame in my woodstove one day... i don't know.

[Jb2003]

From what I can figure and this is my own belief, pwBPD know what they have done is wrong but can't feel as we do, and by that I mean anything negative you confront them with is, to them a confrontation and most likely will be met with animosity, when I have tried the same concept as you want on my own BPDEx she got upset and told me I was trying to make her feel guilty and that she already crusifies herself enough without my input or tears... . So it is not resonable to believe that it will or might ever sink in that you needed something for you to be able to move on. More likely they would take it as you trying to make them feel bad... . I generally I have found that that is a reasonable request to a unreasonable person... . My take on it... . Anyone agree... . disagree weigh in here cause I am winging it myself and want to make sure my views are on track... .

[myself]

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

ScotisGone74, which of these apply for you today? #2? 6? 7? 10?

It's been the longest NC for me and my ex, too, and I still go back and forth with many of the feelings and questions already expressed in this thread. I turn to the 10 Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck for personal answers as it usually has something to do with one or more of those when I'm over-thinking things.

We'd like to be acknowledged. We'd like to know we matter. We'd like some form of help for having been abandoned, but we're not going to get it from the people who hurt us. They move on so they don't have to deal with it. Trying to force them to is a waste of time and effort.

Facing ourselves is how we get past this. Acceptance of the good, the grey, and the bad.

The closure we get is the end of the r/s. The rest of it is to make the best of it.

[DiamondSW]

anything negative you confront them with is, to them a confrontation and most likely will be met with animosity, when I have tried the same concept as you want on my own BPDEx she got upset and told me I was trying to make her feel guilty and that she already crusifies herself enough without my input or tears... . So it is not resonable to believe that it will or might ever sink in that you needed something for you to be able to move on. More likely they would take it as you trying to make them feel bad... . I generally I have found that that is a reasonable request to a unreasonable person... .

JB's statements above are totally spot on. 

My BPDex often said "you only want to make me feel guilty" when she didn't want to face what she'd said or done and I couldn't ignore any longer... .

You can't make an unreasonable (sick) person see reason.

That's closure.

If youre slightly after revenge/NPD yourself, you have the closure of knowing that nothing will change.  The next guy will get the same.  Sure, she might marry him, but only before he sees the anger/BPD bahaviours and lives in idealisation stage.  And then all hell breaks loose.

My closure was the understanding that:

1)  NOTHING WILL CHANGE WITH HER (or if it does via Therapy, it will be years, and I will waste my life waiting/praying)

2)  IT WASN'T PERSONAL.  It's the illness saying the evil words/doing the evil actions

3)  THERE'S NO POINT GOING BACK OR EVEN TRYING... .   It's just pain.  And the illness talking.

4)  My fears for her are VERY real.  She could easily end up in an abusive relationship.  She could easily be lonely and sexually abused.  Her mother could easily flip on her again and treat her like dirt.  BUT SHE'S MADE THE DECISION THAT THAT'S NOT MY BUSINESS, NOT ME.  I tried.

5)  HER COUSIN WHO SEXUALLY ABUSED HER (and took away the girl I loved) GOT AWAY WITH IT.  So evil happens.  He has a little daughter now so the cycle is probably happening again.  My BPD's mother knows all about the sexual abuse of her daughter -yet does nothing.  Who wants a mother in law like that? 

6)  I CAN LOVE HER FROM FAR.  My feelings are mine and she can't do anything about that.  She can re-write history, but again it's the illness. 

7)  I'm ALIVE. 

The NC that you have experienced is a blessing.  You still think about her and that's also good because it means you are well and a warm/emotional person.  Time to move on my friend    

[ScotisGone74]

Thanks everyone for all the responses.    Sometimes it appears to me there is no justice in this world but then I have to remind myself justice doesn't happen on my time.   And although I'd like to talk to her about some of the awful things she's done purposefully to hurt others besides me since  I never got the chance to I know it would only be met with more lies denial and manipulation.   There is nothing else I wanted from her besides one last open conversation and realizing I ll never even get that is a reminder of how sick she really is.