It's been a while since I posted so just an update...

[joolz29]

Some of you may remember I posted here last year about my r/ship with my f daughter, which had badly gone wrong. I got a lot of help here and have held onto many of the things that people kindly said. There is no real update in that I have had no further contact since the last time I posted. Various 'key dates' have come and gone with no word, so I'm guessing I won't hear from her again, which makes me feel very, very sad, given the relationship we had lasted several years. But, I now understand so much more... . and can see all the patterns of BPD like behaviour  repeated over and over with the 'rejections' of me getting nastier each time... . I had a chance encounter with her social worker recently and I asked if she thought my f daughter had BPD - she said, without missing a beat suggesting my question did not shock her 'more than likely although she has no formal diagnosis' The off hand way she said it really upset me - I came upon the world of BPD through a huge amount of research, reading, online research in a desperate attempt to understand the sometimes incomprehensible way my f daughter behaved and it has taken me years to learn of this , and yet it seems that amongst the professionals who worked with her (let her down in my opinion) this was not a suprise. I said to the social worker something along the lines of 'shame it took me years of private research to discover something you seemed aware of already' and she quickly finished the conversation! I did also ask the social worker how she was managing with the baby ( born in October) and she said 'awright... . for her' which is a rubbish answer really as it suggests to me that she is not doing that well at all. Despite all that happened, I do really hope she is managing well. I think a line has been crossed which she cant cross back over - I didn't go into the full details before but things got said that were SO hurtful to me and SO viscious that I think the r/ship is now unsalvageable as she will never be able to face her own shame so I am truly hated and will remain so, as she can't do it any other way. I realise she cant help it. It is who she is and she is afflicted with a horrible disorder which stops her being able to make amends and grow as an individual.She is stuck emotionally about the age of 3, when terrible things happened to her.  It's been a long 6 months of NC for me but I'm calmer and more accepting of how things must be now. I will probably continue to check in from time to time to see you all but for the most part, I'm trying to focus on getting on with my life, and not dwell on the past. I've being seeing a therapist which has really helped me and she is saying I must forgive myself for walking away when I did. I know it in my head but my heart is still struggling. Anyway, that's it from me. Take care everyone!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

  It's been a long 6 months of NC for me but I'm calmer and more accepting of how things must be now. I will probably continue to check in from time to time to see you all but for the most part, I'm trying to focus on getting on with my life, and not dwell on the past. I've being seeing a therapist which has really helped me and she is saying I must forgive myself for walking away when I did. I know it in my head but my heart is still struggling.

I am glad your therapy is helpful. Mine has given me similar suggestions about forgiveness. It is hard to hold onto from day to day at times. There is a strange comfort at times in my guilt - maybe that it is familiar and takes so little energy to be there.

I am grateful for my dh who has a more positive attitude in general. He has been really helping me focus on finding fun things in our family with BPDDD27 our of the house. Until she can find a path to getting therapy her toxic way of coping was bringing us all into the illness with her. It is a grieving process.

qcr

[jellibeans]

Dear joolz29

I remember your story and I am sorry your dd had stop her relationship with you. That has to be painful and I am glad you are talking to a therapist to work through that.

I really beleive in having hope... . it is not a big concept but I try to stay positive and always hopeful. The day might come when the phone rings and she will reach out but until then you need not sit by the phone waiting... . don't be a stranger here... . I really find this board so helpful... . it is nice to be able to talk with people that know what you are going through... .

[joolz29]

Thanks qcarolr and jellibeans for your replies - yes it is a grieving process I agree; for the loss of  the relationship I hoped might have evolved into a more easy one and the loss of contact now - it is hard after all these years but it is what it is and I need to get on with it... . I can't imagine that my f daughter would have wanted this either when she was in a better place and I was still someone she cared about... . she must be very hurt inside to do this to someone who she knows cares about her and someone she cared about a great deal as I believe she did, but things changed in her mind for reasons I can only guess at... . she once gave me a 'guardian angel' pin as a present with the following words attached ' Angels are universally known to bring comfort and love to all. To receive an angel is to receive the purest of love and she should be cherished forever'  I've still got it pinned on my coat. It is telling me something for sure... .

[peaceplease]

joolz29,

I remember your story.  I am sorry to hear that your foster daughter has not contacted you.  I am happy to hear that you are seeing a therapist.  You really are grieving the loss of your relationship.

I agree with jellibeans that there may be a time when she does call.  Not to expect it, but it is possible.

Thanks for the update.

[joolz29]

Thanks peaceplease , and yes I agree that I can't predict what might happen in the future. One of my hopes is that in years to come, my f daughter may be able to come to peace with herself and feel able to get in contact again but I'm not expecting anything. Therapy taught me so much about myself too which was so helpful to help me accept all this. I did the best I could and that is all I could have done... . she is the person she is way before I met her and nothing I could have done , could change that... . that is a massive realisation! My wish is that  in calm moments, she will be able to remember me with affection, remember happy times we spent together... by nature,I am quite optimistic but in this case, it is hard to see a positive outcome now... . I think I did give her something valuable for a while until she rejected me... . she knew how much I cared for her  and valued our relationship  but ultimately she could not handle it  and that is the really sad thing but it makes sense to me now so acceptance gets easier... . thanks everyone for your understanding and compassion.