BPD wife and mom

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My wife has BPD, high functioning acting out invisible borderline personality disorder.   She has never been diagnosed by a professional, but who's to say when she talks to a professional exclaiming that I beat her, I do this, I do that, she loves life. She will get a proper diagnosis.   She says I'm a dumb mechanic how did I get my phd to diagnose her with a mental disorder.  Now me and her had a counselor he said she was BPD as well as HPD. This started my search.  It's sad when you read books and connect 100%.  The only thing that doesn't apply to my wife is suicide threats, but that must be acting in, she acts out.  That's also where the HPD kicks in, she is gorgeous and very full of herself. 

One of her main arguments is that I am no one to diagnose her. All of her family (her enablers) tell her she isn't the problem it's the man she is married to. Is there no credibility in a spouse diagnosing?  I see her every day I know how she acts behind closed doors. To the world she is beautiful and sweet. I'm sure the therapist would think the same.  How do I use this in court to help me?

I have custody of my child, my BPD wife took over my son and made him dislike me. My wife uses police as a weapon anytime she is upset.  They are taking me to jail.   So she gets upset ALOT so social services comes in to our life.  Social services removed our kids.  I feel like if we work together it will be best but all she wants to do is get her entire support team of hate in court to say I'm a bad person.  I feel there is no violence in our home, simply my wife has BPD. This explains why police are there daily with nothing to report.   

Any advice?

[Crazyinlove331]

My wife has BPD, high functioning acting out invisible borderline personality disorder.   She has never been diagnosed by a professional, but who's to say when she talks to a professional exclaiming that I beat her, I do this, I do that, she loves life. She will get a proper diagnosis.   She says I'm a dumb mechanic how did I get my phd to diagnose her with a mental disorder.  Now me and her had a counselor he said she was BPD as well as HPD. This started my search.  It's sad when you read books and connect 100%.  The only thing that doesn't apply to my wife is suicide threats, but that must be acting in, she acts out.  That's also where the HPD kicks in, she is gorgeous and very full of herself. 

One of her main arguments is that I am no one to diagnose her. All of her family (her enablers) tell her she isn't the problem it's the man she is married to. Is there no credibility in a spouse diagnosing?  I see her every day I know how she acts behind closed doors. To the world she is beautiful and sweet. I'm sure the therapist would think the same.  How do I use this in court to help me?

I have custody of my child, my BPD wife took over my son and made him dislike me. My wife uses police as a weapon anytime she is upset.  They are taking me to jail.   So she gets upset ALOT so social services comes in to our life.  Social services removed our kids.  I feel like if we work together it will be best but all she wants to do is get her entire support team of hate in court to say I'm a bad person.  I feel there is no violence in our home, simply my wife has BPD. This explains why police are there daily with nothing to report.   

Any advice?

[ForeverDad]

Sorry, it must be hard dealing with both BPD and HPD.  HPD means your wife is likely to seek to be the center of attention, aggressively.  Both trying to make herself look good as well as painting you as the worst person on earth.

I say this as someone in peer support, I'm not a lawyer or professional in these fields... . Sadly though, despite your qualifications and experience, it probably isn't considered your place to diagnose someone with whom you have a relationship.  An example I've seen mentioned before is that a doctor won't be a doctor to his/her own family.  I don't know if that is strictly true or not but conservatively that may be your position too.  You can try to have other professionals, neutral ones who don't have relationships with her, evaluate her.  However, what you can do is describe her behaviors and behavior patterns, that you can and should document.

[Matt]

I'm not sure I understand... .

How old is your son?  Is he from this marriage or a different mother?

What is the custody situation now?

What do you mean "They are taking me to jail."? - have you been arrested or charged with a crime?

If the police are involved I think you should meet with a criminal defense attorney right away.  :)on't tell your wife.  Make an appointment and tell the attorney everything - he is ethically obligated to use the information only to help you.  Many men make the mistake of doing nothing and hoping for the best - we think if we just tell the truth everything will work out OK - not smart!  (And I am speaking from painful experience.)

About your "diagnosis"... .

I don't think you or I can diagnose anybody, first because it does require formal training, and second because even a Ph.D. psychologist can't diagnose his own wife or anyone else he is close to.

I do think it's good to learn about BPD - that's why we're all here - and I went down the same path - our marriage counselor told me she believed my wife had BPD but she couldn't diagnose her because she wasn't a Ph.D.

The way to get a meaningful diagnosis is for a qualified professional to administer objective psych evals, like the MMPI-2 (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Index), which allows the psychologist to diagnose BPD and other stuff - about half the people who have BPD have something else too, which complicates things a lot.  My wife and I both took the MMPI-2 - it costs $500 each and takes a couple of hours.  I learned a lot about myself - some issues I wasn't aware of but no "disorders" - and my wife was diagnosed with "multiple psychological disorders" including BPD.

That's the only way I know of that the court will respect - a professional diagnosis.

If there is a custody dispute, your lawyer can file a motion for both parents to be professionally diagnosed - that's what I did and the court granted it.  It's best to ask for both parents to be evaluated so you don't assume that she's the bad guy and you're the good guy - the court won't make any assumptions about who is right and wrong.

About your son and how your wife makes him dislike you - this is very serious and difficult to deal with.  The sooner you deal with it the easier it will be.

One thing you can do is read ":)ivorce Poison" by Richard Warshak.  It deals with parental alienation - one parent turning the child against other.

Also consider getting him into counseling.  You can tell him it's not because there's something wrong with him, but because he is under extra stress now and the counselor can help him deal with stuff.

[livednlearned]

Start documenting everything. Find out if you are in a state where you can record another party without permission. Keep a journal, a log, and start documenting the behavior. That is more important than a diagnosis. The diagnosis is just one piece of everything. Court wants to see a pattern of behavior, and your job is to provide the documentation so they can see it.

Where is your son now? Are you still living with your wife?