Early in your r/s's, did any of you find your pwBPD's did this?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Early in our r/s when I had zero idea who or what the ef BPD was, my pwBPD would often ask me to tell her if she was doing anything behaviorally that was strange or bizarre.  Like I was her PD early warning system. 

Looking back, I find it strange that I actually agreed to do this, then realizing it was a Kobayashi Maru.  Of course they were going to act in strange and bizarre ways and if you brought it up it would likely trigger an angry response.

Just wondering if any of your p's wBPD started out the r/s requesting you to be their analyst then later expressing concern you were analyzing them too much (which I invariable was!)? 

Nuttier than squirrel s---, isn't it?

[Sunny Side]

Early in our r/s when I had zero idea who or what the ef BPD was, my pwBPD would often ask me to tell her if she was doing anything behaviorally that was strange or bizarre.  Like I was her PD early warning system. 

Looking back, I find it strange that I actually agreed to do this, then realizing it was a Kobayashi Maru.  Of course they were going to act in strange and bizarre ways and if you brought it up it would likely trigger an angry response.

Just wondering if any of your p's wBPD started out the r/s requesting you to be their analyst then later expressing concern you were analyzing them too much (which I invariable was!)? 

Nuttier than squirrel s---, isn't it?

[Ironmanrises]

Yes. It was no different with my exUBPDgf. Glimpses of her 2 distinct major personalities appeared even as far back as friendship. And she would reference to me repeatedly, "Ironmanrises, I am not easy to deal with", "Ironmanrises, I am very complicated and difficult to deal with with." I thought she was being hard on herself. I was wrong. I was very f¥cking wrong. She would tell me that she loved initially that I would analyze her. After she was triggered, she would flip that back on me and state the exact opposite. "I hate that you analyze me."

[corraline]

My ex loved input that he found constructive in ways to "improve" himself. But who wouldn't really as long as they are not hurtful judgmental criticisms . My ex also told me in the very beginning that he was different than any other man that i had been with before .  Also said he was complicated and questioned whether i could handle him.  I took the challenge and here I am.

[Sunny Side]

Yes corraline, early on she often said to me "I'm crazy" and I never quite understood what she meant (I do now).  Months later after I was thoroughly bonded I found myself telling her to quit calling herself that word because it absolved her of taking responsibility for her own behaviors. 

Good lord, the control I was trying to exert over her by trying to get her to modify her behavior, in retrospect, was a huge  mistake for my own health but I was already so far down the codependent rabbit hole by then that "up" had already become "down".

[Sunny Side]

Another thought came to mind... .

My uBPDexgf has been in and out of therapy since her 20's (she's now 45) but says she was never dx'd with anything.  It used to strike me just how knowledgeable she was about her own behaviors, especially her abandonment issues and coping mechanisms for them.  She would often tell me stories of how she would routinely sabotage friendships, cut ties with people (the specifics of how or why they were cut were usually unclear -- "They disappointed me!" was her steady mantra), lure people in to commit to her emotionally then abruptly pull away when they did, or how she sought out broken, codependent people to become faithful vessels to service her needs (this actually describes many of, it not all, of her close female friendships).  Imo I volunteered as one of those broken vessels, too.

In short, she would run off a long list of behaviors that were so specifically disordered that it made me wonder if she was being honest about never being dx'd.  She also had tremendous scorn for anyone she perceived as suffering from a mental disorder.  Female friends or acquaintances who were openly bipolar or depressed where "whack jobs", "psychos" or "losers".  I think it was probably a deep sense of inner shame that was driving all the projection.  It was the strangest thing.

[Jb2003]

My BPDex asked me to control her meds because she would over take them and in the end she broke up with me cause she said I was trying to control her with her medication... . So... . She also cited that I controlled her with the money... . She had none cause she laid in bed for 6 months and "couldn't" work and I paid for ever thin and covered her overdraw sat bank... . and gave her spending money anytime she asked. If she asked for $20 I would give her $50 so... . go figure I feel your pain... . ridiculous!

[seeking balance]

Early in our r/s when I had zero idea who or what the ef BPD was, my pwBPD would often ask me to tell her if she was doing anything behaviorally that was strange or bizarre.  Like I was her PD early warning system. 

Looking back, I find it strange that I actually agreed to do this

The million dollar question is why was this ok with you?

[coolioqq]

I guess this is usual in this type of relationships. My dBPDexgf told me to remind her when she was overanalyzing things. In serving her in all these different ways, I forgot about myself and found myself in something from which I am still trying to recover... .

[hergestridge]

My BPDw used To describe her the top separation anxiety issues and then ask me "is this normal?".

Firstly I thought that the question was rethorical, and the fact that she asked it over and over led me To belive that she was trying To prove something. I thought she just trying To say "Look, I love you more than you love me!"

[Sunny Side]

Early in our r/s when I had zero idea who or what the ef BPD was, my pwBPD would often ask me to tell her if she was doing anything behaviorally that was strange or bizarre.  Like I was her PD early warning system. 

Looking back, I find it strange that I actually agreed to do this

The million dollar question is why was this ok with you?

SB when I look back on it, barely emerged from the fog as I am now, I know I allowed myself to be 'groomed' as her savior because it appealed both to my ego and magical "superpowers" to redirect peoples lives !  It was an invitation to exert control that I gladly accepted. 

Keep in mind that by that point I had already been a fixture in their family for more than 5 years, and her and I, in plain view of all, had become like partners (though not romantic at the time) with me as the surrogate husband and dad.  And my enmeshment with them made it that much more difficult for me to accept that if I couldn't make the budding r/s with her work then I would "lose" them all.

One other minor but valid thought.   I remember thinking at the time that since I had never done "crazy" in a r/s that this was an opportunity not to reject someone flawed but attempt to accept and grow with her.  Hang in there Sunny Side, I would tell myself, you're showing this woman real love when she's never had it from anyone in her entire life. 

Deeply flawed as it is, that was part of my rationale.

[barbwire911]

yep my exBPDbf was in there with saying strange things too. Some of them are listed below and although they struck me as odd, I also was happy (at the time) he was being honest and upfront with me and could see his problem areas. Low and behold I should have seen them as him warning me what was ahead:

Suddenly out of nowhere he would look at me (always said this one) and say "You will leave me for another man. One that is (ie. richer, better looking, etc.)"

"I have nothing to offer you."

"What did I do to deserve you? I do not deserve you. You deserve better than me"

"My ex put up with a bunch of crap from me. I was not easy to live with."

"Tell me you will not leave me. Tell me you do not want me to go."

"I am a good guy... . really."

" I act like a jerk and a dick."

"I have alot of anger inside."

"I hate when you analyze me." (if I offered help or pointed something out... . )

All red flags... . and spoke in opposites.

[blissful_camper]

When my ex began acting out, he said the cracks in his mask were showing.  Looking back, pretty amazing that he used that phraseology.  I should have called it off the moment he said that to me.

He knew that he had work to do to have a healthy relationship and was open about that. Early on he appreciated my input and insight.  Later, I was criticized for it.   

Why did I stick around?  He was a long-time friend, and I believed what he was telling me, that he wanted to improve himself and his life.  He said he was in therapy. I later found out that was a lie. I was clearly gullible at that time. Gullible and vulnerable.  Codependent?  I think so. 

My ex said strange things too:

"I'm not normal."

"I don't want to hurt anyone." 

"I'm not good enough for you."

"I'm trying to be a better person."

"I'm really not a bad person."

"I shut down."

"When I shut down I don't give a sh_t about anyone else."

"I can't say I love you because that's when it all goes to h_ll." (I still don't know what that meant.)

He was opaque and secretive, and there was projection and lying at his end. 

[HappyNihilist]

Did we date the same man, corraline and blissful? 

Just a few of the things I heard regularly from my exBPDbf:

• "You'll leave me for someone else."
  
  "You'll leave me even if there's not someone else."
  
  "I'm so full of anger."
  
  "I'm very difficult to live with."
  
  "I'm an all-consuming pain in the ass."
  
  "You are out of my league / too good for me / too sweet for me / etc."
  
  "Why do you love me?"

He would often ask if some feeling he was having or something he wanted was "wrong" or not. (Not in a sarcastic, oh-is-that-WRONG? type of way, in a genuinely questioning way.) He depended on me to validate him a lot. I would always tell him that feelings and emotions are never wrong -- we can't control how we feel, only how we react/act. He had a hard time with that concept. After 40+ years of intense self-loathing, I would imagine that it's difficult to accept that anything that comes from you could be good or even just not-bad. Plus the whole concept of neutrality itself, something being neither right nor wrong, was completely beyond him.