Struggling to cope with daughter when she returns from time with Dad

[newlyhopeful]

Its coming up for 2 years since our final split. Contact between us is minimal. He has a new partner and is making a good show of pretending everything is normal. I now feel like the crazy one as I can't stop myself reacting to things she says about her time at her dads. Some days like today I don't want her to live with me anymore because all I get from her is stuff about the new girlfriend and what they all do together. I know I should be happy for her that the girlfriend is nice to her and her dad is making an effort unlike many of the stories I read, but it feels so unfair. He never made the effort with me to behave like a proper family and now he wants to do it with someone else. I get so angry and upset with him and then she bears the brunt of my bad mood. I'm starting to think she would be better of living with him full-time and then I know I'm going crazy. How do I get past this?

[questioncentral]

Hi newlyhopeful

Maybe establish boundaries with yourself about what you should know about your daughter's visits and what you consider TMI. Then when she comes home, you can steer the conversations to a need-to-know basis (she's safe, she's fed, she's cared for etc.). Your daughter doesn't need to know you're doing it - when she starts ":)ad's girlfriend" chatter, change the conversation (movie time for the two of you, mom/daughter cookie baking/ long walk through the park... . ) That way you don't enter into bad-mood territory; or end up expressing your feelings about all of it to her.

[Forward2free]

I'm at 4.5 years since my final split with BPD/Nxh. He is getting remarried and the kids are always spoilt with toys and outings for their visits.

I decided really early on that I wasn't going to be bitter or angry in front of my kids about the things they said about their visits. It's not their fault.

Really, it's not their fault that their dad is acting as dad-of-the-year and partner-of-the-year for all to see. They fortunately don't see the flipside of his moods and anger etc, so when they are with me, they don't understand why they can't be around him more and why I am not with him anymore.

I keep a distance with the stories and document the events in a timeline format for whatever the next courtcase might need. I try not to connect with the stories and I have discovered if the kids get the stories out fast, I don't need to hear about them in an unlimited period.

We talk in the car, and when we are home, I just distract them with something else to do, watching tv, reading a book, playing etc. They quickly move on.

I also made a decision to be a "fun mum" around them. If I need to get mad or frustrated, I try to leave the room or call a friend. Emotions happen, but I try not to take it out on my kids. It's not their fault I married a jerk.

It's a marathon, not a sprint, so you need to find healthy ways to deal with the other part of your kid's lives. It's not easy, and it takes practice everyday, but it get's better with time.

Being the healthy parent is hard. You are in a privileged position to be able to hear the stories objectively and assist with better ways to respond and to help the child know that XYZ isn't their fault. There may not be a big problem yet, but there will be cracks and even his new girlfriend will be aware that something isn't right.

Hang in there!

[newlyhopeful]

Thanks forward2free your attitude is how I want to be but I struggle with it constantly. I will take up your suggestion of letting her get her stories out fast and then using distraction.

I have arranged for my daughter to do a building resilience program that the school runs and I think I will go back back for more counselling

Every day gets a little easier but am now torn between hating him being in another dysfunctional relationship which she witnesses and realizing that at least he is a little bit more stable when he has someone else to blame for his issues

[Forward2free]

I struggled for a long time with feeling too much empathy for his next victim (girlfriend). I had some great advice on here and was told that it wasn't my responsibility, they are responsible for their own actions and relationship and any attempt by me to "help" them would be disregarded and give BPD/Nxh cause for a new wave of anger towards me. If they do have another target/victim, you're right that it takes the heat off you and your child. I fear what will happen when this relationship ends. It's been 3 years already and I am sure he won't be his true self until they are married later this year.

It's about survival. I don't think about BPD/Nxh and his fiancé outside of the kids mentioning something. Occasionally I mention it to friends when they ask what's happening, but I don't let their life overlap with mine.

I am committed to modelling the healthiest life that I can for my kids so that they will have the right tools to deal with anger, loneliness, frustration, love, hurt etc. The kids will have balance because I will provide it. I know that their dad cannot and will not be able to take that on.

You are needed in the same way for your daughter. More than you may realise. Your daughter will piece more together as she get's older and draw her own conclusions.

Newlyhopeful, you're doing a great job acknowledging where you could use some help and it's ok to make mistakes. It's great that you have services on offer through the school and for yourself. Take care xx