Is it Face Book or Fantasy Book?

[DB33]

I'm not a big Facebook guy. I did it occasionally to watch my kids way back when but then my GF talked me into getting it going again and being active. Wow what an eye opener.

In our 3 years together I have been friended and unfriended, blocked and unblocked in a semi continuous cycle. But it's what she wrote (and didn't write) on her Facebook that raised the red flags to full mast.

She lives on her phone on Facebook and there is her main source of friendship and interaction.

She continually posted pics of just herself. Talked only of herself and exaggerated a lot or just out and out lied. When I took her on trips she would post as if she was out alone on some great adventure, no mention of me ever except when I took her out and we got engaged. Those pics and words were short lived though. If I posted on her FB she would delete the posts. More concerning was the imaginary friends she created. I found out five years previous she created a half dozen various people (GQ doctor, model etc) that are her "friends" and she even went so far as to tell me she was with one or some when she went places. She was afraid for me to meet her family ( maybe fear of what lies I would unearth) so she went with the "doctor" instead. She was friends with her ex and she went back to go skiing with him and her "group of friends"  When she got jealous of me or distraught, one of her guy "friends" would post to her sending flowers, inviting for coffee or some fun adventure... . I am not sure if it was a way to self soothe of an attempt to make me jealous. I tried acting jealous once of her imaginary friend posting about sent flowers and a coffee invitation but that just got me unfriended.

So anyways, the person she is on Fantasy Book is not who she really is. And the vast amount of time she spends in that mindset is disconcerting to say the least.

I presume pwBPD and NPD tend to feed off this medium?

Does it help them cope or is it just fueling the madness?

[fromheeltoheal]

Everyone puts forth their wins and successes on Facebook and paints a positive impression of themselves for the masses; think of it like cocktail party chatter, where you don't hear conversations like: "How are you?" "Oh, I'm still working through some early childhood trauma, I think my spouse is cheating on me, and I have a painful rash on my ass."  More like: "I'm doing fantastic, I'm so proud of my children and I'm still madly in love with my spouse after all these years.  Oh, and we just got back from Australia and moved into our new house, here's a pic, isn't it awesome?"  That's why Facebook can be depressing if you're not doing so well at the moment and expose yourself to everyone else's wins.  It is fun the other way around though... .

So throw a borderline in the mix, someone who lies pathologically, and it can become a special kind of fiction.  Plus, my ex liked Facebook, text and email because it allowed her to connect at a distance, a cyberattachment, so she got her attachment needs met without feeling engulfed or getting triggered, for the most part.  The problem with that is a lot gets lost in written communication, a friend of mine says it mangles nuance, to the point where if we'd been chatting online for a while and I then went to see her in person, it was like meeting someone brand new, a different person, someone I didn't like much.

So I've swung completely the other way.  Facebook can be fun for what it is, just don't make it matter.  There is no substitute for person to person, heart to heart human connection, life's too short for cheap imitations, although the cheap imitations are less risky too, which is why Facebook is so popular.

[DB33]

I stopped taking FB at face value after finding out about her imaginary friends. Instead when we were together I used it as a barometer of sorts to gauge her inner turmoil. Originally the whole thing did freak me out because I was facing possible multiple personalities. But I don't think that anymore. She is just a lonely girl afraid if intimacy, looking for validation and admiration from a hollow source.

Yes she appears addicted to FB. But maybe it is because if she wraps herself in that world she doesn't have to face her real one.

[MammaMia]

Fromheel

Exactly.  FB is a form of "entertainment" to many.  :)o not take it too seriously or believe everything you read.  Sadly, to some, it has become a weapon.

You are spot on.

[DownandOut]

Everyone puts forth their wins and successes on Facebook and paints a positive impression of themselves for the masses; think of it like cocktail party chatter, where you don't hear conversations like: "How are you?" "Oh, I'm still working through some early childhood trauma, I think my spouse is cheating on me, and I have a painful rash on my ass."  More like: "I'm doing fantastic, I'm so proud of my children and I'm still madly in love with my spouse after all these years.  Oh, and we just got back from Australia and moved into our new house, here's a pic, isn't it awesome?"  That's why Facebook can be depressing if you're not doing so well at the moment and expose yourself to everyone else's wins.  It is fun the other way around though... .

So throw a borderline in the mix, someone who lies pathologically, and it can become a special kind of fiction.  Plus, my ex liked Facebook, text and email because it allowed her to connect at a distance, a cyberattachment, so she got her attachment needs met without feeling engulfed or getting triggered, for the most part.  The problem with that is a lot gets lost in written communication, a friend of mine says it mangles nuance, to the point where if we'd been chatting online for a while and I then went to see her in person, it was like meeting someone brand new, a different person, someone I didn't like much.

So I've swung completely the other way.  Facebook can be fun for what it is, just don't make it matter.  There is no substitute for person to person, heart to heart human connection, life's too short for cheap imitations, although the cheap imitations are less risky too, which is why Facebook is so popular.

Wow! FH2H, again, I feel like we've dated the same person! My ex and I were actually in a LDR during our last and final recycle. I noticed that when I went to her city and got closer to her friends and family, taht's when she started rejecting me. After spending a long weekend there, I arrived home and went to work the next day. We started texting back and forth in the morning while I was at work and things were going great after she acted like a real witch during the weekend I was there and she actually said to me "I miss these conversations." What the heck? We just spent a weekend together and she did nothing but belittle me and fight with me, but when we were 1200 miles apart she was comfortable again. Now that I think about it, all of our conversations during the breaks in our relationship occurred via text or instant message. Those conversations would go on for days, but when we were together she was at a loss for words it seemed. Very strange.

[fromheeltoheal]

Wow! FH2H, again, I feel like we've dated the same person! My ex and I were actually in a LDR during our last and final recycle. I noticed that when I went to her city and got closer to her friends and family, taht's when she started rejecting me. After spending a long weekend there, I arrived home and went to work the next day. We started texting back and forth in the morning while I was at work and things were going great after she acted like a real witch during the weekend I was there and she actually said to me "I miss these conversations." What the heck? We just spent a weekend together and she did nothing but belittle me and fight with me, but when we were 1200 miles apart she was comfortable again. Now that I think about it, all of our conversations during the breaks in our relationship occurred via text or instant message. Those conversations would go on for days, but when we were together she was at a loss for words it seemed. Very strange.

Yeah, exactly.  With time I've come to realize that the long distance, semi-connected relationship is all she really wanted; she told me many times she loved her iPhone and the thing was constantly buzzing with multiple attachments.  I could say that her suggesting it could be more and we could create a sustainable in-person relationship was misleading and deceptive, although I've come to accept that she just couldn't articulate it that way, she just knew she got ashamed, triggered and lost in a real relationship, that felt bad, but seemed to do OK with the long distance, cyberconnected ones, and was unaware of the consequences her actions had, so run with it till it explodes, again.

So as mentioned, part of my healing is to lose the cyberfriendships and focus on real ones, not just romantic ones but all of them.  I've had several online friendships and relationships that were ultimately fulfilling, and it took a while to recognize them for what they are: cheap substitutes for the real thing.  I could get all existential and state this is a sign o' the times, the way we live our disconnected lives in the new millennium, but screw that, that's more of a Facebook conversation.  I'm in Starbucks right now, surrounded by flesh and blood, so I'm going to hang up and go have a life.  Carry on healers!