Confused on our Anniversary... :(

[kfifd196]

Today would've been our one year wedding anniversary.  My wife has EVERY symptom of BPD, to the extreme.  She was completely in love with me, through January and then, HATRED!  It was over 5 porn pictures on the computer, the guys at work put on as a joke.  For whatever reason, porn strikes a cord with her and she freaks into a rage!  Pulling her hair out, beating her head, she bit me, destroyed our house, etc. at 2 different times.  Is this normal for BPD's w\porn?  Also, she said she had enough of our relationship in February and was done with me, wished she never met me, etc.  Again, right after I was the best thing since sliced bread!  Is this all normal stuff for her?  It's been a pattern, throughout our 2 year relationship and we have a 10 month old daughter.  My wife totally erased me from her life, like I never existed!  I'm having trouble accepting this all, as a year ago, right now we were heading on our honeymoon.  And now, I'm sitting alone trying to make heads and tails of this.  Couples have their problems, but she didn't even want to work on it and ran for the hills.  I even went to marriage counseling alone, hoping she'd come too.  Do you think she'll do an about face anytime soon?  Do you think she's thinking about our wedding day too or completely erased that as well?

[ts919]

kfif - After reading your post, I felt compelled to respond. 

First off - I'm super sorry you're going through this; I know it's hard.  I had a somewhat similar experience myself, regarding the porn issue.  See, when my uBPDw and I were just dating, she opened my laptop and looked through my history and found I had visited some porn sites.  Now, I can totally understand why any woman would have issues with this; there's a ton of data out there that confirms the devastating effects of porn.  It certainly triggered her though; the evening quickly went downhill, she made several extremely nasty comments about what a disgusting human I was... . and no matter how much I apologized, nothing worked.  Fast forward to a couple of weeks prior to our marriage; uBPDw, her friend, and myself are all sitting around drinking and talking and the subject of porn comes up.  uBPDw starts making the claim that if she ever caught me looking at porn, she would immediately divorce me; it was totally unacceptable in her eyes.  Now mind you, I'm not some porn addict - I promise   However, I am a dude, and I regardless of how hard I tried to uphold that standard, I knew it was bound to fail at some point in time and to me it seemed very drastic to immediately jump to divorce over something like that.  It was as if she was warning me ahead of time. 

Regardless, porn was certainly a trigger for her (among many other things), although it ended up never being an issue, as I said before, I'm not much of a porn guy. 

What I always found ironic though was when she bought the 50 Shades of Grey book and read it every night for 2 weeks straight... . as if that book isn't just porno for women   Double standard? 

In my experience (and I'm currently in the process of divorce - married for just over 2.5 years, dated 2 years prior to that), you can only do so much.  Keep reading the posts on here, keep posting yourself, and take care of yourself.  She may very well do an about face - but I would imagine that it won't take long for another trigger to set her off.  I'm hoping for your sake that's not the case, but if these boards are any indication, well... . be safe.  You have friends here. 

The biting you makes me uncomfortable as well - that's abuse my friend.  And a serious no-no.  Has she gotten physical before?  My uBPDw liked to push the boundaries - getting slightly physical, but in a way where she could explain it off like it was an accident or something or that I was overreacting.  Just be careful man - make sure someone else knows this has happened, someone that you trust.  And write it down. 

Sorry for being all over the board - your post just resonated a lot with me; some of the behavior and the short term marriage really struck a chord. 

[kfifd196]

Thank you... . I don't need porn either, in fact my wife is hot, but I work as a career firefighter and it's part of the culture.  I never did it in front of her and it never affected my sex life or anything else.  Our relationship was amazing, except for her insecurities, until she found the porn, by deceiving me to go on my laptop.  I would have been honest with her if she asked.  She threw hot tea on me once and said she tripped, but there's no way it would have flown through the air that far, if she "just tripped".  She was angry, threw the light on, while I was sleeping and the tea flew on me.  I still love her, but we are separated and she filed divorce papers.  She said she doesn't even want to talk, just wants the divorce.  It's sad, because her parents are pushing the divorce, because all they know is their daughter is upset, but don't realize all of the things she's doing to me, that make me angry.  I'm walking on eggshells, she is obsessed with checking my faceboo, texts, email, any girls I know, etc.  If I don't text her back quick enough or go on Facebook, before saying goodmorning to her (even though I kissed her and left a love note for her at home), she gets furious!  I tried talking to the parents, but they are enablers and in denial.  I AM THE BAD GUY... .   Do you think she'll change her mind and want to talk at some point?  We were so in love before this

[heartandwhole]

Hi kfifd196,

I'm really sorry you are going through this.  The sudden about-face is so hard!  I can understand your wanting to try again, especially with a baby girl. 

I've read some of your earlier posts and I want to mention that one aspect of BPD is that negative feelings can be churning under the surface for a long time before anyone has a hint of them.  It happened with me, and it sounds like it was happening in your relationship, too.  Be gentle with yourself, there is no way you could have guessed what was going on internally for her.  The porn issue was the obvious trigger, which may have ignited her abandonment fears, but there may have been significant underlying issues before that.

Have you had a look at the some of the communication tools from Staying and Undecided?  Even though your wife is pushing for a divorce now, learning communication skills will be helpful going forward, no matter what the ultimate outcome:

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

How are you taking care of yourself kfifd196?  Do you have supportive friends and family? 

Hang in there.  We're here for you. 

[kfifd196]

Hi heartandwhole,

Thank you.  I'm beyond confused and wish to God, I could go back and redo things.  I unfortunately didn't even know about BPD, until my wife moved out.  I started going to a Marriage Counselor (MC) alone and invited her, hoping she would meet me there, since she'd been saying it was one of her criteria to return home.  But, she never came.  The MC listened to all I had to say and almost instantly said WOW, she's Classic BPD!  Then gave me "Walking on Eggshells" and all I had to do was switch my name out with the first example in the book!  I almost fell over.  Now, looking back at old text messages, etc It is so obvious and I wish I knew sooner what was causing all of this... . I met her on June 24, 2012 and on June 26, I texted her, but didn't get a chance to call her, as I was at work and she "dumped" me, because she wasn't putting up with that again... . classic sign... . Always checking Facebook and god forbid I go on FB before texting good morning to her (even though I kissed her, left her a love note and had her breakfast ready)!  I don't understand why the porn was such a trigger... . I understand it bothered her, but why the rage!  She did $1,000 of damage, the 1st time she found some and recently bit me because she found 5 pictures... . I'm not condoning it, but it was ONLY 5 pictures, that the guys from work put on there, to bust my balls, cause they knew the prison I was living... . I felt like a prisoner in my own home.  While she's been condemning me, I recently found a few risque modeling pix of HER online and that she was perusing porn sites and dating sites herself, while professing her love for me and chastizing me... .

Then, toward the end, she used being put on the Deed, as an ultimatum... . How could I even consider that, with her actions, plus I owned the house for 5 years prior to knowing her and she didn't have anything invested in it.  A huge financial risk to me and seeing as we are getting divorced, was a smart move on my part... .

My wife was pregnant a few years ago, with another guy and he promised her if she aborted, he would stay with her and they'd travel and do everything they wanted... . She aborted and he was gone before she left the hospital, never to be seen again.  That and her father being absent as a heroin addict and dying when she was 7, created abandonment issues. 

I do have a good support network and am going to a therapist, Al-Anon (she was in AA) and still going to the MC... . Hoping.   I also wish I went to Al-Anon sooner, as they have a lot of similar advice and a good support group.  I recommend it for any one with a BPD family member!

It stinks, because I've done everything she wanted me to do, but she says it's too late, I've used up my chances and should've done something sooner, then plays the victim to her family, when she's the one who initiated the divorce.  I've even pleaded with her to go to counseling and TRY for our daughter's sake... . Nope... . It's like I'm the Devil or I never existed... . Just plain cold   She decided to drop the TRO against me today, in exchange for me not pushing reconciling.  Is there a chance she'll change her mind about the divorce?  Any ideas how I can affect that somehow, as I'd love to reconcile, now that I know what I'm dealing with.  I was resistant before, because I didn't understand why she acted the way she did... .