Emotional Immaturity

[toomanyeggshells]

I'm posting this on Leaving because leaving is what I want to do, even though uBPDbf and I still live together.  This seems like a post for Staying, but I can't post on Staying because I don't want to stay.  I just need the guts to leave. 

Anyway, I just read a thread about emotional immaturity and it fits uBPDbf to a T.  Describes him as if the poster personally knows him.  So how do I deal with it?  Until the day comes that I leave, I have to figure out how to deal with this day in and day out.  I know leaving is the way to deal with it, but today's not the day for that.  When he starts the verbal abuse, I walk away or hang up the phone.  I guess that's the only way to deal with it.  I'm been following the lessons for about 3 years and learned alot, but why doesn't HE get it ... . when he's verbally abuse, I leave (or hang up).  You'd think that after a few years of my reacting the same way to his abuse and misery, a  would go off and he'd figure it out - stop being abusive and toomanyeggshells will stick around.  No such luck for me. 

How do people deal with this?  I guess the same way I am dealing with it, by just putting up with it until he really steps over the line and then its over. How do I let this roll off my back?  I'm going to go home from work and go for a nice run - that always makes me feel better, but it doesn't change anything as far as he's concerned.  He'll still be the same miserable, mean, nasty person that he was before I sweated out my frustration. 

My mother, who knows some of my situation with uBPDbf, told me that some people stay married for the kids, but I'm staying with him for the house, and she's right.  That's the only reason I'm still there.  I put a boat-load of money into buying a house with him and now I feel stuck (somewhat) because of that. 

Sorry that this is more of a rant than a post, but I just need to clear my head a bit. 

[Madison66]

toomanyeggshells,

I allowed myself to deal with emotional immaturity and emotional/verbal abuse for 3+ years in my r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  Her behavior deteriorated during the last six months we were together (not under the same roof) and the abuse turned physical in the last month.  We recycled three times during the last year together and I tried one last ditch effort in October '13 to enforce healthy boundaries within the r/s.  That is when she got worse and things turned physical.  I left the r/s in early December.  I'm not saying that could happen in your situation, but please protect yourself.

I can only suggest you work with a T to help you with boundaries and an exit plan.  Strong boundaries are essential and if possible, maybe plan to stay with a friend or relative if things are too tense or even dangerous.  Regarding boundaries, you might want to have a discussion with him with a family member or friend present.  I'm not sure what to tell you about the house.  Did you have any kind of written agreement about the disposition of the house if the r/s ends or if one of you wants to sell.  Meaning, the other buys the other one out or the place goes on the market.  There are different laws by state, but the sad truth is there's often little protection for couples cohabiting.

I hope this helps!     

[toomanyeggshells]

Thanks Madison66, your support does help    I hate to say it out loud (or even type it) but he has gotten physical a few times in the last couple years.  I've left overnight and, of course, he's so remorseful its disgusting.  I've told myself that the next time it happens ... . but its happened after that.  I do need a therapist, its just the money issue for it. 

Crazy thing about the house is that I work for attorneys and can have free legal help when needed.  I know how its going to happen - I'm going to leave, he'll refuse to sell the house (which he's said plenty of times) and it will go into foreclosure.  I know its not the worst thing that can happen by a long shot, but I just feel like I'm clinging to the last shred of this r/s for some reason.  That's why I need a therapist, to figure it out.  I'm going to look into that again.  Thanks. 

[Madison66]

I'm so sorry to hear your story!  Abuse is abuse = emotional, verbal and/or physical.  Regarding T, since he's been physical with you in the past and there is a real threat that could happen again especially if he feels out of control with you potentially leaving, you might look up your local domestic violence center.  They could refer you to a T that might work with you on a payment plan.  Just a thought... .

[tinkerbell09]

I can't say that I know anything at all about what to do in your situation, but I support you very much in extricating yourself from it in a positive and SAFE way. Safe being the most important thing... . please be safe.

I wish I knew something to say that was eloquent, but I don't. I support you in whatever you need to do to be safe and happy.

[toomanyeggshells]

Thanks tinkerbell09.  I certainly appreciate the support.  It makes me feel better - eloquent or not  .

And Madison66, I'll definitely look into the domestic violence center counseling. That's a good idea.  Thanks again.