12 Minutes

[NoCRV]

A friend of mine told me that emotional pain only last 12 minutes and after that it is all in your mind.  Whether it is true or not, it helped me detach.  The time may be longer or shorter but what I was able to pull away from this little tidbit was after a certain amount of time I was causing myself to feel the pain.  I was the one holding onto words that were said, I was the one that relived the memories, I was the one who couldn't abandon our future together, I was the one trying to figure out what is going through another person's head.  I was the one that kept that emotional pain going.

Through the insight and wisdom of this site I began to look inward.  I looked back at my Family Of Origins (FOO) and saw patterns of my past that were rekindled into the relationship with the ex.  I realized why I had played my part in the toxic relationship.  After I looked inward, I got all the answers I needed to move forward.

[heartandwhole]

Through the insight and wisdom of this site I began to look inward.  I looked back at my Family Of Origins (FOO) and saw patterns of my past that were rekindled into the relationship with the ex.  I realized why I had played my part in the toxic relationship.  After I looked inward, I got all the answers I needed to move forward.

Great, NoCRV!    Would love to hear about what you uncovered, if you feel like sharing.  It's always helpful to see ourselves in others' triumphs and healing. 

[NoCRV]

Thank You Heartandwhole.

I don't mind sharing at all.  Here are a couple of examples I discovered:

The thing that bothered me the most during the relationship was the drunken rages directed at me.  I looked back at my childhood and my parents marriage.  My father would come home and have a few drinks and his temper came out.  I can't remember what the fights were about but they were fueled by anger.  My mother would either fight back or take the verbal abuse.  I replayed the same pattern with the ex. 

When I was five we were in a car accident and my father was killed.  One of the hardest things for me to get over in break ups was the abandonment.  That empty feeling and loss of a loved one always left me shattered.  I did all I could do to keep the relationship afloat and have her in my life.

After my father had passed it was just me and Mother.  I did what I had to do and to the best of my capabilities to keep to my Mother safe and happy.  When the troubled ex came into my life out came the white knight.

[heartandwhole]

NoCRV,

I'm sorry that you lost your father so young, I can only imagine how much that hurt.  You've made some great connections here, and I can relate to this very much.  Women can be white knights, too, I've discovered.

Have you been able to practice not rescuing people?  I think changing ingrained behavior is difficult, but with practice and mindfulness, it can definitely be done.

I hope you'll continue to share what you've learned, thank you.

[NoCRV]

Heartandwhole,

Thank you but there's no need to be sorry, it's part of life.

Oddly enough, one situation has come up.  I still want to help her but want nothing to do with her romantically.  I haven't done it yet and don't know if I will.

Thanks for the support!