I Need Help - I Want To Be Done

[Glef]

(Sorry for the long post. I'd truly appreciate your knowledge)

I can't take it anymore, and it's just pointless for me to continue thinking about it. I came here for closure, and to understand but she just left it all and doesn't even think about it. Two new guys in two months. Why should I bother? 

My entire relationship was a lie.

I met this woman in the summer, and we stayed up all night talking. I thought we had a rare connection but to her nothing was happening. She told me of past rape, and I could tell she had bad boyfriends so I thought she was a sweet woman who just got kicked around too much. This woman would later make me feel so special, and wanted. She told me I was the best man she ever met, i made her day, no one could make her blush except me etc. I never felt so crazy about someone, and I couldnt wait to show her what someone who cared would treat her like. I lived a bit away at the time, as I was temporarily back home. All of a sudden she began to postpone dates, essentially turning our relationship long distance while she "went through stuff". She was always stressed out. Even getting her on the phone became hard. I stood by her though cause I thought she was genuine and needed support.

I eventually saw her in January - stayed at a hotel so we could have multiple days. She lied to cut an evening short after dinner and went out, got pot, and talked to an abusive ex, saw others. I found out in front of her dad that she wasnt home or where she said she was. Humilaited. We met, she told me of "mental issues", that her life was a mess and needed to get it in order. She couldnt have a relationship right now. In her state I ended up letting her crash at my room. She broke my heart, and slept like a baby - while I stayed awake all night, confused, hurt, and monitoring her health (not sure if she was on something or in a dissociative state) between bouts of crying in the bathroom. She had told me that night she was falling for me... .

We havent talked since.

It was only after I learned of BPD.

I've learned online she just started clubbing, meeting new people, and has a replacement now and seemed to have another briefly. I spent nearly six months falling for woman, and standing by her despite bouts of being ignored, put off, stood up, and then lied to and used when I stayed the night to try and make her happy! And she doesnt seem to remember me. She even seems happier now!

Why does this replacement get more than I did? I could barely get an evening out of a girl who thought I was the "best man she's ever met". I was starting to recover until I realized this.

Is it because I didnt do drugs, or drink to excess? Did it make it hard to be around me? Was my sincerity making her feel guilty? Was I too put together? What does distance do in BPD? Does she need someone close all the time for the validation? I don't get why an abusive ex and some new guy get more in such a short time than i did in almost half a year. Why did she even bother to string me along that long, and pretend she cared.

She's clearly not the woman I thought she was, and does things that now that disgust me, but I cant help but be tortured by it. I dont know why I'm garbage, easily thrown away compared to someone who was abusive or a drug user. I just want to be okay. But I'm 23, back at home, not sure where to move to, feeling alone and broken. And this woman who is younger, and who raised me up to tear me down, is out with more a life. I'm on a support forum, and shes partying and with someone new.  I sometimes debate contacting her just to tell her what I know, and what she did to me, but I cant tell if thats a good idea. She has no remorse anyways.

I came to say I was leaving, but learning and seeing stuff about the replacement has only made me wonder what was wrong with me? I see some of you who had marriages and I feel dumb complaining about my 6 month thing. I cant comprehend how they can marry. I just want to leave this forum - but I keep coming back to scramble some semblance of answer and closure to this. No one in my life has ever been able to make me feel so worthless. I don't know why I feel like this.

What can I do?

[cosmonaut]

I don't have much advice, but I do want to say that I know something of what you are going through.  I too was left in a similar way and it has turned my world upside down.  I honestly have no idea what happened in my relationship anymore.  I have no idea what was real and what was illusion.  There's just no answers to anything and none of it makes any sense.  It's very hard to deal with that.

I think it's ok to admit that we are traumatized and incredibly hurt.  We were used and then betrayed in a terrible way.  Knowing that our exes have a serious disorder doesn't do anything to heal that hurt.  It's incredibly deep and personal hurt.  There isn't much greater rejection that a person can receive than to be left as we were.  I think it's ok to feel that hurt.  And the anger.  I feel those too.  All the time.

I know it's going to be a long road to get through this.  It will be for you too.  But you can do it.  So can I.  Hang in there, man.  I know it hurts right now.

[coolioqq]

Sorry to hear about that bro. It is tough. The scene that you described about her traumatizing you and then sleeping like a lamb is pretty similar to what I experienced... . I can relate.

If you didn't already, take the time to read through the materials at the top of this board, especially the beliefs that keep you stuck. They helped me a lot to start my own healing.

First of all, try to get rid of the idea that there is something wrong with you. When you are dealing with someone with BPD, it is not about you. Two guys in two months? No worries, they will get replaced too. People with untreated BPD are, unfortunately, sometimes addicted to pain. That may explain why she is looking for abusive relationships. In any case, based on what you said in your post, you should be concerned about your own well-being first. It is important that you preserve your own sanity. If this relationship with her does not make you feel happy, take the hint.

Of course, your decisions on what to do are only yours to make. But believing that we can somehow fix them has proven to be detrimental to many nons as you can read on these boards. I left her. She tried to talk me into staying and saving our relationship. How do I do that with a manipulator? The answer is, I didn't. She continued looking the next day! And I am left with my face in my palms... . But, I'll get through it. And so will you!

[Jb2003]

Glef... . You are not alone your story is my story with minimal changes... . Stop wanting to know why... . There is no why... . if you could sit her down and talk to her in her most rational state ever... . She couldn't tell you why... . IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU... . There is nothing wrong with you brah... . I tell you it is the exact same for me... . Oh your the best man I have ever met, no one has ever believed in me like you before... . Marry me I want to be with you for ever... . Sound familiar this is their seduction... . It is the same thing she did before you and to the next guy... . They feed off of it until they make you miserable feeding of your positivity and concern and love like a emotional vampire... . Then theyturn into a bat and poof... . Leaving you wondering why you weren't good enough for them... . You are broken and beaten down and feel like you can't go on... . She was everything you ever wanted and more... . That is the trap they find out what you want and need become it to suck you in and when they are thru... . Well you there now... . Believe in yourself YOU are a good person... . That is why you feel the way you do now... . Because you cared enough to rescue and listen and care and show true emotion... . Believe me when I say... . And it took me a while to believe it myself, even when I was reading all these post... . YOU DODGED A BULLET! You traveled,the yellow brick road as I did and when you got to OZ and saw behind the curtain... . So even if she looks like she is having the time of her life and so does the next( everyone keeps calling it replacement or substituteI'll call it as I see it ) VICTIM. You and I know what is going on behind the scenes and if it hasn't happened to the next victim yet it will. Come on dude I know it you know it and in 6 months so will the next guy... . unless he is just as mental then mane they will be a good fit! Remember when you first met and talked... . Perfect! Then down the rabbit hole it went... . It is a cycle. Go out invest the time that she took up in you... . You deserve it, it is you who is tramatized, she cuts it off like a garden hose, with little to no empathy... . It isn't your fault! You couldn't have said anything bought anything, done anything more than you did to achieve the exact same result... . Now you know what to look for in an unhealthy relationship... . Check! Don't get sucked in again by her or others... . Be strong , I know ... . GOD do I know how hard it is... . crying sobbing, cursing, beating my head against the wall... . why... . why... why... . Simply because... .

[AwakenedOne]

she told me of "mental issues", that her life was a mess and needed to get it in order.

Sorry your going through what your are. Thinking you are at fault and something is wrong with you is something I would rethink. We all make some mistakes, go easy on yourself. She told you she has mental issues.  Sometimes no matter how nice we are things don't work out because of issues our partner has. I tried so hard to save my marriage. You want to fix things and make things right and are really looking for answers... . I can so relate to that feeling. Sometimes knowing you did all you could do, that you are good person and sometimes things just don't work out unfortunately is how to look at a loss.

She has no remorse anyways.

Maybe detach, heal and find someone healthy who will return the love that you give.

Hang in there. Please post updates of how you are doing.

[pinkparchment]

I understand. That's all I have to offer you as I'm still unable to detach myself. 

[heartandwhole]

Glef,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so down about yourself, so many of us can relate, and it hurts really bad.   It's part of the abandonment pain, and I know how huge and different it feels compared to other situations and relationships.  Hang in there, because these feelings do pass, with time and recovery.

As others have said, her behavior is about her.  If she has BPD, she has enormous abandonment/engulfment issues, which will play out in her relationships.  It's not about the worth of the person she is with (druggie or nice guy) – it's just about how she feels, always.  If being with you makes her feel bad, she will believe that you are bad for her, and act accordingly.  BPD is a serious mental disorder.

What can I do?

Grieve.  It's painful, but it's the ticket to your freedom.  Work the stages of detachment on the right sidebar ---------------------------->

Try to let the feelings move through you, physically.  Exercise and take care of yourself.  This is your life, Glef, and you are the one you are longing for. 

We're here for you.

[Glef]

Thank you everyone. I don't have anyone in person I can talk to because I dont knwo anyone who has been through this. My friends don't truly understand. All your words are incredible. The time you've taken to read and reply means so much to me.

I'm still not doing well today - I thought I was moving forward but this all set me back. I don't get why I got less than other people. When I didnt know about this disorder, and she "needed time", I saw that it may just be another way to string me along further - so I told her she needs to call me right now and explain this, or I cant do this anymore. I apoligized for what was an ultimatum but that it was my final choice. She responded in anger, saying she hopes I'm happy with my choice and never talked to me again. I fear she thinks I abandoned her - that I was leaving. I hurt her abandonment issue, and I feel awful.

What is the opinion on contacting after its been over a couple months? I may be changing my number soon, and I feel like there are things I want to say for finality whether its just in a call or text. I want her to know how much she hurt me, but at the same time I dont want to give some sort of satisfaction. I read they typically enjoy that to an extent.

She has clearly shown bad, and disrespectful behaviour so I dont know why I keep thinking maybe she is a good person. I guess she makes an outside appearence of it. She always talked about or posts stuff social media wise about honesty, treating people right, good relationships and what not. Yet did the opposite for me. She works with dogs, and gives a lot of time to her friends. I don't know why I'm the one who could barely get an evening. Why I'm the only one that gets the bad. It makes me doubt everything and I think thats what causes my doubt in my self worht. And now that I just see shes not an ideal match, why do I still miss her?

Who she calls as her best friend changed three times since I met her. And if she can move on, and love someone else, in no time after being with me, who she had "fallen for" and "was the best man she ever met" - it shows those words may not hold weight. I just worry it was only me. She'd talk to the abusive ex even when I came in to the picture.

COSMONAUT - Thank you. Much of what you have said hits home, especially not knowing what is real or illusion. I don't do well with no answers or reasons. Perhaps being a functional/logical man in a dysfunctional/ non nonsensical situation is what makes me feel crazy.

COOLIOQQ - I've read many stories, and articles and I still end up feeling lost. Like certain things she hasnt done, that other members talk about, fill me with doubt. Her young age may be a contributing factor. It generally is without a mental disorder.

JB2003 - Thank you very much for the reinforcement. I havent questioned my self worth like this since I was young boy, and I hate it. You've described the process and feelings, pretty spot on. I figured it'd be easier to get over knowing that what you loved was never real - but for some reason its not and I keep tricking myself in to thinking she was a good person. I'm also scared I'll be looking for her clone forever since she was my ideal girl for a while. I fear that I was not good enough, and he is.

I hope I can one day truly feel like I dodged a bullet. I can atleast take comfort in knowing I found out about BPD as 23 year old.

AWAKENEDONE - Thank you. I know I offered nothing but love and support, but I don't feel like a good person or that I did all I could because I failed. I don't get why other people get her and I do not. I could have maybe done more. When I stood up for myself in telling her I wont be able to do this anymore, I thought it was strong thing. Now I feel bad.

PINKPARCHMENT - Thank you. I hope you one day can detach. I think anyone who comes here must be someone worthwhile, and someone else will see that in you!

HEARTANDWHOLE - Thank you. Is there some kind of general time-frame? I don't know how to get passed the processing stage, cause I can't process any of it. No closure, no answers.

As a romantic, I fell for someone who can't love. I could not do worse.

[Glef]

COOLIOQQ - Sorry I forgot to finish. That idea that me being abusive is what gave me less time and love, is a disturbing but enlightening thought. She always seemed happy with the little gestures I'd show though. Is it possible that grows old for them quickly before they need issues?

I remember things were always good but then eventually just something like her neck being sore, or having to work would stress her out.

[Jb2003]

Glef you actually could do worse... . You could contact her and get sucked back in... Only to fall further down the rabbit hole... . Shake it off. I know you want closure, so do, so does everyone... . Except BPDs. It is far better for them to leave it "open ended" so as to be able to recycle you if needed. You may hear from her again... . you may go your entire life never hearing from her again. She is not the hinge-pin of your self-worth or your happiness... . Dude I know... . I feel I am doing much better and have used this experience to do something's for me and drive me forward... . But in the quite still moments I still see her face and I get this weird sinking feeling that kinda feels like sprite in my brain. But I go with it let it run its course and use it to fuel my workout. It STILL kills me! But the reality I have come up with is this... . if she was the one SHE would have tried to keep ME. You are worth the exact same as you were preBPDex as you are now! Hell probably even more now than before... . I know I am richer, wiser,and know myself more than preBPDex... . Look for your closure in yourself and be satisfied in yourself... . cause if your looking to a BPD for anything rational, empathetic, honorable and loving... . Your looking into the abyss... . Stay strong brother get a hobby... . I started Hapkido... . vents the rage... . hahaLOL... .

[coolioqq]

COOLIOQQ - Sorry I forgot to finish. That idea that me being abusive is what gave me less time and love, is a disturbing but enlightening thought. She always seemed happy with the little gestures I'd show though. Is it possible that grows old for them quickly before they need issues?

I remember things were always good but then eventually just something like her neck being sore, or having to work would stress her out.

I wouldn't really know what would be correct to assume about her.  Every situation is at least a little different.

My ex was diagnosed with BPD and still did not behave exactly like those from other stories here. There was no idealization, only (faulty and easy to spot, except for the stupid me in love) mirroring and subtle but ever-present devaluation. She was not raging. Maybe she didn't have that trait or we didn't get there... . But she was calculated, lying and manipulative.

The point is that they are still people and they all have different traits. I know it is difficult right now, but instead of focusing why she was like that to you, maybe try to look at it from a different angle. If you show affection, love and care to someone and they respond by going away into abusive relationships, is that something you really want for yourself? Is that someone you should lose your sleep over?

Relationships are two-way things. For your own well-being, it's a good idea to try to clear your head, and not let her behavior affect your self-worth. BPD or not, lovers have to treat each other right and reciprocate. If that's not there, then that is not a relationship anybody should be in.

I am personally happier that I didn't get idealized and all that. It would make it much harder than it is; and it's still damn hard. But such is life... . Try to learn a lesson and move on.

[AwakenedOne]

She could of given you some more information on the details of her mental issues since you were together and that you were investing your time and effort into the relationship. Standing up for your rights with a BPD or a Narcissist doesn't go over too good with them. Having contact now probably isn't a good idea.

[Glef]

It's good to hear there can be many varying degrees. When I read peoples stories about stalking and the extreme clingy nature I would doubt her condition. She always seemed kind of aloof, even when things were great. Early on when things were good, she would never contact me, it was always me accounting her but then I'd get the stuff like "Youre the best man I've ever met." Things that I thought were good like her trying to gain some weight, I see know might have been a eating disorder or doctors orders. Repeating things I once said to her, seemingly unaware I said them to her showed the mirroring when I thought it was her cute, nervous inexperience. Confiding in me the day we met about a past rape made me think we had a special connection but I read that is a common thing. Looking back I shouldnt doubt, so why do I?

Almost tried contact today admittingly, but then I stopped, mostly out of pride though. I came here first to read your words.

But I'm feeling guilty cause she was so stressed, miserable, confused and unhappy but now she seems to be incredibly happy. I feel like if I had just stood by her a bit longer, she'd have been okay. That it was just that kind of bi-polar phase.

But then that is almost ignoring all the negatives, and doesn't mean anything would have got better. The night I was lied to she said we'd have breakfast in the morning and next time she'd come to me. It's weird to think had I not found out, that we would have had a nice morning after. I'd have probably just went on being oblivious. I may have been some comfort on the side to her - once frequent contact wasn't always easy. Her being young and having these issues is probably a toxic mix. I know women her age without mental disorders that have identity confusion and treat people poorly.

Despite it all, I can't help but feel I just came in at a bad time, and everyone else gets the good her. Almost like its my loss.

Has anyone else ever felt that way? It seems stupid, looking back at the way I was treated.

I think I'm in love my idea of who she was. But I don't know how to recover, and I'm scared I won't meet anyone who will capture me like she did. I'll just be looking for her clone forever.

[Conundrum]

First, stop with blaming and shaming yourself--i.e. you weren't good enough to "get" her. More than likely the polar opposite is the truth. In her mind you're too good for her, because she has low self-esteem--and gravitates to those who treat her the way she believes she deserves to be treated. Those types of men usually are emotionally unavailable, who often have substance abuse and mental health issues of their own. They're safe. No real risk of intimacy. No risk of her having to address core issues.

The type of woman you ran into is difficult to cope with at any age, but at only 23 without enough context to put it into perspective--it can damage your self-esteem, if you let it. What you need to understand is that this young woman, has a part of her that aspires to be with a guy like you, but she is incapable of pulling it off, and always gravitates to those who validate her own worthlessness.

At your age, if you were looking for a stable goal oriented long-term relationship which could possibly result in marriage and whatnot, this is not the type of woman you want to invest in. This is the type of woman men play with and discard, dysfunctional "bad boys" hang with for a while, and white knights get burned by.

It's a life lesson for you... . never forget it. You're definitely young enough for this to be just a temporary setback. Your whole life is ahead of you. Cold comfort when you're hurting though.    

[AwakenedOne]

Making lists helped me to grasp the whole thing more clearly with my uBPDstbxW.

Maybe consider this in your case->

The Bad - She is a liar, distant, cheater, selfish and cold with no remorse.

The Good - She made you feel good with her words. Thats is great, seriously. I understand it's nice that someone gets you and hearing that is really great. I appreciated all the nice things I was told also like "I'm the greatest guy in the world", among other gems. Ended up just being words. I was painted black and tossed into the garbage can still.

[Sunny Side]

I think I'm in love my idea of who she was. But I don't know how to recover, and I'm scared I won't meet anyone who will capture me like she did.

Hi Glef, what an appropriate phrase!   Is this what you want to be -- "captured?". 

[heartandwhole]

HEARTANDWHOLE - Thank you. Is there some kind of general time-frame? I don't know how to get passed the processing stage, cause I can't process any of it. No closure, no answers.

I know how hard that is.  You'll have to give yourself closure.  You are feeling and looking into your feelings, which will make processing easier when you are ready.  Everyone is on their own individual timetable.  Focusing on yourself, more than on your ex, will speed things up. 

As a romantic, I fell for someone who can't love. I could not do worse.

What does being a romantic mean to you?  Why do you think you were attracted to someone who can't love?

[Glef]

She seems so happy, when in our last months life was just stressing her and she was unavailable emotionally. Now its like she loves life. I know that could be a coping mechanism, and outwards appearance to anyone looking like me.

Do break-ups often send them in to an almost euphoric phase to block it out, or try to prove they dont care?

First, stop with blaming and shaming yourself--i.e. you weren't good enough to "get" her. More than likely the polar opposite is the truth. In her mind you're too good for her, because she has low self-esteem--and gravitates to those who treat her the way she believes she deserves to be treated. Those types of men usually are emotionally unavailable, who often have substance abuse and mental health issues of their own. They're safe. No real risk of intimacy. No risk of her having to address core issues.

The type of woman you ran into is difficult to cope with at any age, but at only 23 without enough context to put it into perspective--it can damage your self-esteem, if you let it. What you need to understand is that this young woman, has a part of her that aspires to be with a guy like you, but she is incapable of pulling it off, and always gravitates to those who validate her own worthlessness.

At your age, if you were looking for a stable goal oriented long-term relationship which could possibly result in marriage and whatnot, this is not the type of woman you want to invest in. This is the type of woman men play with and discard, dysfunctional "bad boys" hang with for a while, and white knights get burned by.

It's a life lesson for you... . never forget it. You're definitely young enough for this to be just a temporary setback. Your whole life is ahead of you. Cold comfort when you're hurting though.    

Thank you for the advice and insight! The replacement seems to make her happy - it doesn't seem abusive. But he is smoker, pot smoker and drinker like she is. Could that play in to what you are saying about being "too good"? Cause she knew I didnt really approve of her smoking and drug use, but when I didnt know about BPD, I tolerated it because I knew she had a rough go in the past. I never commented on it but it may be easier to be with people that she can drown out her mind with.

I definitely am looking for that stable long-term relationship, and I can see that may have been impossible. I wanted it to be her though. I truly, truly did.

Making lists helped me to grasp the whole thing more clearly with my uBPDstbxW.

Thank you. I will try this for sure.

It's funny how there are things she did or does that I never wanted in a woman, yet here I am. I really shouldn't care. I almost look past the bad towards those shreds of good.

Hi Glef, what an appropriate phrase!   Is this what you want to be -- "captured?". 

I see your point. I want to be enamored is maybe more apt.

[quote author=heartandwhole link=topic=222555.msg12414297#msg12414297 date=1396082091

What does being a romantic mean to you?  Why do you think you were attracted to someone who can't love?[/quote]
You know, like a helpless romantic. I'm in love with love. I value relationships, and I will spend long times alone if I dont see someone truly special.

I mean, I'm still grounded and mature about it all. I don't expect perfection in the way most do. I thought she was perfectly imperfect or imperfectly perfect... . whichever. I stood by her thinking the difficulties were from her past, I was patient thinking we needed to move slowly.

From all I've read from people on here, the agreement seems to be that a sufferer of BPD can never truly feel the love you do. Relationships are more of a need, and it doesnt really matter who the person is at the end of the day.

---

I truly thought I was special but I was nothing to her it seems, despite the words. She just moved on instantly and without telling me. Maybe me telling her she needs to call me and explain or I cant do this, allowed her to paint me black. She may see me as an uncaring ass now and that racks me with guilt despite the absurdity. I just want to speak to her and ask why everyone gets her best except me. I seem to be the only one in the world she doesnt care about - yet I was the one told all those amazing things.

Sorry everyone. I know I must sound annoying and whiny - It helps to vocalize this all, and ask the questions. I dont have people to do that with really.

[irishmarmot]

Hi, i was in a 4 month intensive relationship and almost 3 months out with no contact.  It is worth it. BPD is a terrible illness but you have to protect yourself.   And you are not the one able to help her.  You have to help yourself first.

[fuzz]

Hi Glef , you have had some great responses here.  I notice that you keep coming back to the question of why everyone except you gets the best of her,  and I just want to respond to that although I am fairly new here, just my thoughts.  I notice that you have said 'seems like' several times.  Sums it up really, that appearances mean nothing, pwBPD can 'seem' perfectly healthy to others outside of the r/s.   It is the attachment that they struggle to cope with.  It does seem that the stronger their feelings the harder they run.   

Regarding the replacements, no matter how good things seem, you do not know what goes on behind closed doors. It is not about you, as many here have said, nor will it be just you that will go through what you went through.  It is not about others getting the best of her, I believe she has to brave different masks in order to survive. 

Maybe not all so relevant to you as, for instance, Conundrum's post from yesterday. I find that reading and re-reading here helps.