One month after I broke up with my uxBPDw

[oldweasel]

It has been about a month since I broke it off with my ex. To say the least, I have had some really low lows. When I first broke it off, I have to admit that I was in a low place and a lot of "history" came up and I did it purely on impulse. I was so very tired/hurt. I had been thinking back on our relationship and bits and pieces started to line up for me and I had one of those "flash back" moments from some very troubled times... . some background.

We are both in the military and I was smitten the first day I saw her. I am not one to aggressively pursue a woman due to my own feelings of inadequacy and lack of confidence with women. I watched from afar for a few months until I was out with some friends at a buddy's house and she happened to be there. As soon as I walked in, she acknowledged me and I felt euphoric that she knew who I was/remembered me from a separate situation dealing with the military. Things progressed will throughout the night, but there was alcohol involved, so we know what that means. We ended sleeping together that night. During the act, all the bells and whistles were ringing in my head to "run, this is not good for you"... . she was calling out 5 names, none of which were mine.

Despite my early intuition to not look back, I actively searched her out through a phone call to my buddy who knew her (come to find out, he was one of her weigh stations) and met her at the house where the initial contact occurred. We talked, flirted and held each other. Then she came back to my place. We spent the next day lounging, talking and watching TV. We talked about all kinds of things (insert all posts/information about how they give you all the horrible things that happened in their lives to sound honest and up front... . hook... . and I'm a rescuer). Long story short, she never left my place. I took her to where she was staying (with two other men) to grab some of her things. The next weekend, we moved all of her belongings to my place. Within a month, we were married.

The first year and a half, things couldn't seem to get any better. I felt like I had finally arrived, found my true soul mate and life partner. Of course, most of that time was spent deployed. Don't get me wrong, there were things about her that would have been intolerable if I had been in my right mind. I'm generally an organized and neat person (thanks mom for the OCD) but she was the complete opposite and, at times, I was at my wit's end... . like she was leaving stuff all undone just to get a rise out of me. I deployed earlier than she did and we put all but the bare essentials in storage so she would have to do minimal when she met me down range. Within a month of her arriving, I was receiving nasty mail saying that the apartment wasn't clean, that I owed for this and that (and I paid the rent in advance so she wouldn't have to worry about it) all she had to do was clean and turn in the keys.

For the sake of brevity here, let's just say that while we were deployed is when the monster came out of the closet. I started seeing things that made me really question my own sanity. I redeployed early and bought a house that I didn't want and didn't think we were ready for, and of course filled it with expensive furniture. Due to her wanting to live a dream her ex wouldn't support and I did, she was off to school to learn another occupation in the military soon after we returned from Iraq. I picked up and followed her to the new duty station because the schooling would be a long period. This where the breakdown/deterioration truly showed it's ugly face. Roughly 10 months after my arrival there, I was preparing to deploy again. Home life started getting hard to handle. We both started drinking pretty heavy, mine was to numb myself from the constant attacks.

I deploy and weeks into it I can just sense that something was amiss. We had an argument about some thing or another, and she then informs me that she's going to a party at so and so's house (the guy previously mentioned as the weigh station above). This is when it starts to build layer upon layer of the deceptions and lies. We all know the story of the cheating BPD, so I won't go into any further detail.

My point in all this is:

After really reflecting and looking into our past, I realized that she had been cheating on me all alone. And it was confirmed in an email I received from her after I had broken it off and she was trying to recycle and I let fly all the things I had come to realize throughout our 7 year marriage (not in such nice a manner).

Oh, and get this... . I allowed her back into my life 3 more times after we were divorced (7 years of marriage, two years of recycling).

I take ownership that I have issues that I need to resolve if I ever want a healthy relationship which, in retrospect, I've never ever had. I am a child of abuse, neglect and suicide... . I know I need to work hard and have begun that work.

What I don't get is all the posts about how "incredible" the sex is and how people "miss" that addiction. At first it felt like it was so very intimate, like I'd never felt before, like I was being loved, but that was fleeting at best. It really wasn't that good, and at best it didn't take very long until it felt hollow and mechanical. Which brings even more confusion in that confirmation email of all the infidelity, her reason was that "I like sex. A lot. And I just don't have a problem doing it with someone I don't want a relationship with". Just so confusing and tormenting... . but I guess that's what was intended when she wrote it.

Anyway, I know this is a huge wall of text, but it helped me get some of this out of my head and off my chest. Thank science we don't have kids together.

Thanks for listening.

[barbwire911]

Sorry you are going through this Oldweasel.  I am out about a month almost too. Mine was a year long on and off relationship and he was a crazy cheater... . I hate to say it but I was number 5.  He has since left his ex wife and found a replacement for me. I have been NC 9 days but he has also silent treated me for almost 3 weeks now... . I am have no idea what I did except learning there was a replacement for me and he became really defensive and hung up the phone. Since then nothing despite I sent two nice emails (not wanting to be with him but just wanting closure) and then a third one 9 days ago saying just stay away from me and do not come back.

Mine tended to recycle me too. But yeah the sex with him felt out of this world and he was really attentive and it felt really intimate at times. Now maybe had I been with him 7 years down the line it might have changed... . they are always real nice in the beginning it seems and then their real self came out. Mine had a ton of red flags though I should have seen. he always told me his marriage made him cheat and just the right woman (who was supposedly me) would make him stop. Yeah right... . he also was a pathological liar (about everything) and severely paranoid and rageful over the smallest thing. And everything was my fault all the time. One time our boss wanted to speak to him and just see how he was doing as he was going through his divorce and make sure he was OK to be at work. And he raged at me for that for 3 days that I had conspired with my friends and got him pulled into the "principals office." He was humiliated he said and it was my fault yet he was not even in trouble... . our boss has a duty to check his staff are mentally ok to be present at work.  Anyways no matter how i framed it, he got more and more angry and I told him after yelling at me for 3 days about it that we need space.  His response was "whenever I share my feelings you always say goodbye."  But the way he shares is insane. It is constant screaming and insults.  Anyways then I found out he had a replacement a few days later and questioned him in a calm tone and that was it ... . more rage saying I never meant anything to him (yet just two days prior he had called me and spoken to me for 2 hours saying he loved me and even asked me to lunch... . )

It is all so non sensical but hard for us non's to get... .