She took my credit card

[peaceplease]

I discovered that my dd took my credit card last week and used it several times.  I was livid when I found that out.  It started out where I could not find my card.  My dh asks if he thinks my dd took it.  I told him that she was not that dumb.  Sure enough, when I checked my account it was used since last Friday.  It is near the limit, and I have been feeling good about paying more on it, and not using it.  She spent about $70/

I called her up and demanded that she return  the card. And, to return the car that my dh let her borrow since she got her license last Sat.  I told her that she could no longer have the car.  She sent me this text saying that she would need a car to get to work.  She has been applying for jobs about 14 miles from here.  She has a criminal background and is limited to where she can work.  And, if she did not have the car, then we would have to take her to work.  Hmmmmm

After putting more thought into it, I decided that it would be harder if I had to drive her to work.  I was in my glory since my husband let her have his car for awhile.  I no longer was bothered by carting her around.  She will qualify for a car allowance once she gets a job.  The assistance office will give her money to purchase a car.  My dh agreed to let her borrow car until she was able to buy one.(about 2 months),

She minimizes taking my card, as I always make her t I just tell her that she does not need whatever and money is tight.  If she truly needed something I would give her the money.  She claims that it was stuff she needed.  She went to Dollar General store.  Also, used it for gas, and I believe hair color. She acted weird last week, when I asked if she colored her hair again.  She claimed to not have the money.  I was not even thinking about money.

I thought about reporting her taking my credit card.  I don't think that I am ready to handle that.  I can just do her state income tax and take the money she took.  Of course, I was planning on taking it, anyways.  She owes it to me.  I was to get her federal refund, but they seized it.  I hope the state is not seized.

Now, I am at a point where I am thinking of just telling her not to come here until she has the money to repay me.  I do not want to be in her company.  She has stolen too many times from me.

I don't think that I should let this go, but I am not sure what I am going to do. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Oh, that would definitely be a trigger - especially since she has stolen from you before. I am sorry, peaceplease... .

I don't blame you for not wanting to be around her right now. When the first wave of feeling blows over, you might feel a bit better and be better equipped to engage your wisemind... .

Your gut feeling that you shouldn't let this go is absolutely right on. What would be the message if you did let it go without a consequence? "It's ok to steal from mom."

If I were in your position, I would wait until I calmed down a bit, and then I would devise a strategy.

I would sit her down and tell her that:

"I know you are struggling right now financially before you find a job.

It must be really frustrating not having the money to buy what you need or want.

And I understand it must have felt easier to use my credit card instead of asking me for money that I may or may not give you depending on what it's for.

When I found out that my credit card was missing and had new charges on it, I was really sad and upset.

To get this behind us, I expect you to repay the $70 to me plus the interest the credit card company will charge me for it.

I decided that I will not report it as a theft this time. I will report it if this happens again.

In the future, if you need money, you can ask me, and I will consider it. That way, we can keep trust between us."

I would try to set this clear consequence with compassion and calm, and if dd would dysregulate during the conversation, I'd take a time out and come back to the same conversation later.

It is not easy - they need us to be the calm grown ups in these impossible situations while they sometimes act like little kids. So, we need to have the maturity for both of us, and keep us all safe.

[qcarolr]

peaceplease,

This must be so disheartening for you, discouraging, disappointing... . Geez, all these ":)" words. Setting financial boundaries for our grown kids with legal issues makes it all so much harder to keep boundaries around money. I too struggle with this and my DD27.

A question about the car. Is this loan a joint decision between you and your dh? Is this independent of your relationship with your DD? Can you leave the car use separate from the credit card theft? This might make things more clear for you in communicating her not coming to your house until it is paid back. Connect the result of her choice to use your credit card to the use of the credit card.

Hoping she finds that job and takes another step towards greater independence.

qcr

[sadandscared]

So frustrating! After all we do for them and then they steal from us. It makes me soo mad. Our daughter stole our credit card also and has stolen hundreds of dollars from us. My husband and I take our purse and wallet into our bedroom with us at night and if she goes to her grandparents house I have to tell them to make sure all money or medicine is put away where she can't get it.

She also ran away one night and hitch hiked to her aunts house where she went into their house and took the keys to her aunts boyfriends car and stole his car. The police where involved but no charges where filed. I wonder if they should have been. I also can't file charges against my own child. Our children seem to have no conscience. Since my daughter doesn't have any money at this time we have been left to pay for all her mistakes. She owes us over $5000.00 as of right now. She was injured at age 8 and lost the sight in her left eye. There was a lawsuit and she will receive money on her 18th, 25th, and 30th birthdays due to the settlement. She will be 18 next month and as much as I would like the money she owes us back. I have called a lawyer to see about having that money held until she is more stable. Will that day ever come? I don't know. But right now she would use it on drugs and probable give it away to all her druggie friends. My husband says it probably a waste of time to try and have the money held since she'll be 18 and has rights to it. Or can get a lawyer of her own and have it reversed. I feel like it's worth a try.

Good luck to you today. Thanks for listening. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't vent to people that know where I'm coming from. THanks

[raytamtay3]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have a procedure every day. I lock my bedroom door with my pocketbook in it in anticipation of my DD doing the same thing. If you do allow her over, maybe that's something you should consider doing as well.  It's been so nice not having to do it since DD is currently at an RTC. I have to make sure I'm back on top of it when she returns.

[jellibeans]

Dear peaceplease

You have every right to be hurt by this deceitful act... . she should repay the money and I would report her next time. I think it is time you made your home safer so she doesn't have the opportunity to steal again. I have a small safe I lock up keys in and meds. I also have my bedroom which is locked at times... . given their impulsivity and their self centerness I am not shocked... . it is a part of their illness. I really think you need to report her next time... . without consequences I feel they just repeat the same pattern.

[Being Mindful]

So frustrating! After all we do for them and then they steal from us. It makes me soo mad. Our daughter stole our credit card also and has stolen hundreds of dollars from us. My husband and I take our purse and wallet into our bedroom with us at night and if she goes to her grandparents house I have to tell them to make sure all money or medicine is put away where she can't get it.

She also ran away one night and hitch hiked to her aunts house where she went into their house and took the keys to her aunts boyfriends car and stole his car. The police where involved but no charges where filed. I wonder if they should have been. I also can't file charges against my own child. Our children seem to have no conscience. Since my daughter doesn't have any money at this time we have been left to pay for all her mistakes. She owes us over $5000.00 as of right now. She was injured at age 8 and lost the sight in her left eye. There was a lawsuit and she will receive money on her 18th, 25th, and 30th birthdays due to the settlement. She will be 18 next month and as much as I would like the money she owes us back. I have called a lawyer to see about having that money held until she is more stable. Will that day ever come? I don't know. But right now she would use it on drugs and probable give it away to all her druggie friends. My husband says it probably a waste of time to try and have the money held since she'll be 18 and has rights to it. Or can get a lawyer of her own and have it reversed. I feel like it's worth a try.

Good luck to you today. Thanks for listening. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't vent to people that know where I'm coming from. THanks

My daughter also received a structured settlement as result of a childhood injury. Her payments were at 18, 19, 20 and 21. Before she turned 18, we instructed that the funds be automatically deposited to her UTMA savings account. This type of account could not be accessed by her until she turned 21. Only I had access to it until then. This was huge in preserving the money, otherwise she would have wasted it or given it away.

[peaceplease]

I cooled down and angry with myself for responding in emotional mind.  I should not have called her when I was so hot and did not have time to sit down and think about it. 

Actually, it was after I got off the phone with dd, I realized that I did not put much thought into it at all.  I was just so furious that she would do that after she has had so much given to her.  It was as if the car was an entitlement. 

Pessi-optimist -  I am doing exactly what you posted.  I have not talked with her, yet.  I still am quite angry about it.  She has been keeping a low profile.  Tonight, she had my gs come in and ask if he could stay for a little while.  He asked his mom to let him come over.  I told him that it was fine, and he yelled out to his mother waiting in car.  I imagine that tomorrow, she will call me after she has job interview.  I will talk with her over the weekend.  And, she will be banned for a very long time from any of the rooms upstairs. 

qcr - yes, my dh and I agreed.  It was a help to me to not have to drive her anywhere.  That was exhausting!  The reason I thought about taking the car is that she used my credit card to put gas in the car.  However, after I really thought about it, I did want to take the car out of it.  But, I needed for her to feel some consequence as this has happened several times.  Her stealing and lies are getting too old for me.  I must let her know that I will not tolerate it anymore.   I will let her know that I promise to press charges the next time I have a theft. 

sadandscared - I don't blame you for wanting to hold the settlement.  Will they be able to do that?

raytamtay - Yes.  I am usually good about keeping anything of value away from my dd.  Please be careful when your dd returns.  It is nice not having to worry about leaving anything out.   I carry cash and my debit card inside my sock.  The credit card was upstairs in my bedroom closet.  I told her that it was maxed.  It was just about.  Most of it is due to my kids.  I was just making bigger payments on it, recently. 

jellibeans - I wish that I could lock a room.  I have no locks on these doors.  I usually try to keep cash and debit card on me in my sock.  I did have credit card in a closet in my room.  I was not too scared about that because I told her that it was maxed.  I guess that she decided to take a chance.  she probably figured the worst that would happen is that transaction would be denied.  I really considered calling and reporting.  My dh told me not to this time.  This is the very last pass that she gets in not pressing charges. 

Being Mindful - That was great that you were able to do that.  I hope sadandscared will be able to do the same. 

[jellibeans]

Dear peaceplease

I installed without much trouble at all a lock on my bedroom door... . it is the kind that has a numbered key pad and you punch in the number to gain entry... . something like this could give you great peace of mind... . it has helped me retreat from my dd when she is raging and also allows me to keep her out of my room when needed or when I feel she is not safe around meds etc... . a small investment but such a huge relief.

[peaceplease]

My dd started coming by this past week.  I was talking minimally to her.  I know that it really hurt her.  She sent me numerous texts since all of this happened and I never acknowledged any of them.  She came over here last week, but I never really talked to her.  I was doing the medium chill.  I answered her when she asked me a question, and I tried my best to not let my gs pick up on anything.

Two days ago, I finally responded to a text.  Here is the text:  "  Its eating me that my mom won't talk to me, esp knowing what I did was awful.  So I can only imagine how you feel that your daughter who you do everything for betrayed you.  I love you& know I am sorry probably doesn't mean squat to you.  But, I am genuinely sorry... . I bit the hand that feeds me.  I know that you hate me, but please know how sorry I am."

I told her that I did not hate her.  I hate nobody!  And, could never hate a child of mine.  I would love them, no matter what they ever do.  However, I need a lot of time and space after this last betrayal.  And, I do not know if I can ever trust her again.  And, I will always be on my guard and make sure that my cash, checkbook and credit cards are not within her reach.

She responded that she understood.

Then, yesterday, she sent me another text, saying how much we have done for her.  And, that she really appreciates the car.  She realizes there are others that do not have as much as she does.  And, even though, my dh is a jerk, he is the dad that she never had.  And, she appreciates being "daddy's little girl".

I did not respond to that text.  I am still trying the medium chill.  I realize that we are in the "white mode" while she does regret what happened. 

jellibeans - That sounds like a great idea.  However, this is my mother's house that we are living in while I am her caregiver.  She does not know what is going on, and I do not want to alarm her.  My dd's exbf had a lock on his door, too.  It was his niece that stole from him.(although, my dd was guilty a few times, too)

[jellibeans]

peace

I do think this is a positive response from her... . she is trying to make amends and acknowledging her mistake... . I do see that as good. Proceed with caution... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Stella1425]

Peaceplease~~I have the medium chill thing going too for almost a month. It feels weird but good. I was too enmeshed, but still this is a new thing. It does feel good doesn't it when once in a while they realize what's been done for them. My daughter used to steal from me when she lived here. I think she out grew it but I feel just as betrayed by her lack of truthfulness that she'd pay creditors off. She didn't need to steal from me, we gave her all we had to help her back on her feet after the divorce. Glad you got an apology of sorts. Just wanted to let you know that I know what the medium chill thing is. Living it big time here.

[pessim-optimist]

She responded that she understood.

Then, yesterday, she sent me another text... .

I did not respond to that text.  I am still trying the medium chill.  I realize that we are in the "white mode" while she does regret what happened.

It looks like your daughter realized what she had done, and feels sorry, and sincerely apologized... .

That's really good news!

I have a question: after your dd acknowledged she understood what she'd done, and apologized, are you expecting anything further from her? Something she needs to say, or do?

I am trying to look at it from her perspective, and wonder if she might feel unsure about what/when is supposed to happen for the relationship to get back on track... .

I am trying to understand: when you look for the reason you have not responded to her - what is the motive behind it?

[NC312]

Here is the text:  "  Its eating me that my mom won't talk to me, esp knowing what I did was awful.  So I can only imagine how you feel that your daughter who you do everything for betrayed you.  I love you& know I am sorry probably doesn't mean squat to you.  But, I am genuinely sorry... . I bit the hand that feeds me.  I know that you hate me, but please know how sorry I am."

I think I'd fall over from shock if my daughter22wBPD E V E R uttered anything close to this  

She has NEVER owned up to her choices, and I and others have enabled her to live without consequences for those choices for many years. That's on me.

But I did respond to a written request from her to "contribute" to a pair of shoes she wants to buy. I told her "No, I couldn't and wouldn't, and that I hoped she thought about how disrespectful she treated me (the week prior while visiting) and how her behavior and words hurt me."   It's been 4 days and I haven't heard a word.

The hundreds of dollars and time I spent just last month alone rescuing her and to have her treat me the way she did afterwards. argh... . Currently takes me weeks to recover emotionally from an episode.

It's so hard! Remembering she is mentally ill is tough for me. I've referred to it as "living on an alternate planet" while in her company. 4-5 days is my max. The tools are new to me and I'm grateful to have found this site and reading all of your posts... . thank you!

ps one a side note: It seems ridiculous ALSO that none of her therapists have EVER spoken to me. Seriously? Even the DBT therapists which is who she sees... . it would have been very helpful for her therapist to instruct/consult me in how to best respond/react to my BPD child. I would have gladly paid them for this knowledge!

[Stella1425]

Nc312. My BPDd has only ever admitted to maybe 3 or 4 things and she is 30. I think we very seldom see it. I'm very new to this site and the tools also. It takes me a long time to recover also. My D seems to recover much sooner. It sounds like others have success using the tools however so I hope I will be able to. It's taking me a really long time to recover from my latest episode. Peace please, I can understood why you tend to feel so betrayed.  When our pwBPD are older it's harder to understand why they would continue to betray us. Make mistakes, yes, but full out betrayal really hurts doesn't it.

[peaceplease]

jellibeans - Yes, it was a good thing, and I knew not to get too excited about it.  Been there before, and crashed.  I am always cautious these days. Perhaps, that is my protection mode for myself.

pessi-optimist - The reason that I had not responded to the one text is that I did not believe that she was sincere.  I was suspicious that there was something behind this appreciation.  I suspect it was when she hit a pothole, and ruined the muffler.  As, it was only two days later, that she claimed her car sounded loud.  She told us that she did not see a pothole and thinks that may have loosened the muffler.  

NC312 - My dd will own up to bad choices.  The problem is that she repeats them over and over.  I agree about the DBT therapists.  

Do they have any type of therapy or group instruction for you?

Stella1425 - Yes, it hurts when they betray us.  My dd will not readily admit to anything.  It was simply that I had the proof she used my credit card.  It was not my dh, or I who made the charges.  She had no way of denying it.   TBH, I hat doing the  medium chill thing.  It is protection mode for me.  I miss being close to my dd.  I want to be close to my dd.  It really hurts that we can not have that closeness.

Yesterday morning, my dd popped over here.  I was frantically trying to clean up real quick as I was getting company.  I told my dd that she had a chance to repay me, and to help me.  I asked her to vacuum.   I told her that I was getting company.  Her reply was that my house was clean enough and asked where her laptop was.  Me:  Really?  :)id you just ask where your laptop is when I requested some help?  Her:  Yes.  Me:  So, your promise to do whatever to make up to me were just words.  I am busy preparing for company.  You can leave if you are not willing to help.  Her:  No.  Your house looks fine, and it is just your niece coming over.  It is no big deal!  Me:  It is her mother-in- law coming, too. ( My niece's mother-in-law was seeing the house for the first time.  They were visiting from out of town.  I have not seen my niece for one year)

Doing some self reflection and trying to figure out what I need to do to change.  For one, I know that I absolutely need to knock off reacting while I am in emotional mind.  Perhaps, some old habits are creeping in.  I need to step back and take a refresher.   Previously, when my dd was right there, and I responded in emotional mind and went in for the do-over.  I would go back and validate and we would discuss situation.  My dd was very receptive.  So, in hindsight, I need to go back and validate the valid here, and create solid boundaries that I MUST enforce.  I absolutely will not let this happen again.  

[Stella1425]

Peaceplease~~arghhh! It's those exact kind of situations that I react to also.  I wonder if I too will ever be able to not react to something like your vacuuming request. I tell myself I will not ever ask for anything  again and maybe I will not be hurt. So sorry you have to experience that kind of, what still feels to me, to be disrespect. Why can't they just be polite to us. It does hurt doesn't it. I would like closeness, but I think I will never again let myself be that disappointed.

[pessim-optimist]

The reason that I had not responded to the one text is that I did not believe that she was sincere.

... . TBH, I hate doing the  medium chill thing.  It is protection mode for me.  I miss being close to my dd.  I want to be close to my dd.  It really hurts that we can not have that closeness.

Hm, I understand. That desire for closeness is so elusive - just out of reach at times. It's almost like a tease, isn't it?

Do you think it would have made you feel better to reply something like: "Hi honey, I appreciate your text and what you are saying. I love you. I am still feeling hurt and need to take some more time to feel better."

Doing some self reflection and trying to figure out what I need to do to change.  For one, I know that I absolutely need to knock off reacting while I am in emotional mind.  Perhaps, some old habits are creeping in.  I need to step back and take a refresher.   Previously, when my dd was right there, and I responded in emotional mind and went in for the do-over.  I would go back and validate and we would discuss situation.  My dd was very receptive.  So, in hindsight, I need to go back and validate the valid here, and create solid boundaries that I MUST enforce.  I absolutely will not let this happen again.

We will hold you to your last sentence, ok?   (just kidding)

It is pretty awesome self-reflection, peaceplease.  

[NC312]

wow. Reading these responses is soo incredible for me. 

I can't tell you how many times I've beaten myself up for getting emotional (you know, that normal thing a person would do when faced with outright cruel disrespect).  Like many of you I retreat afterwards, do that chill thing, but I struggle too with being kind and patient with myself. WHY can't I stay cool, calm when dealing with her? She knows all the right buttons to push and it's heartless. But I know I have to take responsibility for me, my responses, my reactions and I feel. Expecting my daughter w/ BPD to care about "me" is also crazy.

My D will have no recollection of the incident that took place 2 weeks ago here in my home, and when discussing previous conversations, she doesn't hear what I said, she believes whatever she thinks I said and I've struggled with this for 10 years. Then of course she reports to others what "I said" which is never anything close to what was stated. It's crazy... . and I don't deal well with crazy, which is why I don't work in a mental health field

I'm writing several notes on my bathroom mirror to help me remember how to better respond next time. And I'm determined to set boundaries to protect myself BEFORE an episode.

Her therapists have never counseled me or her older siblings. Her father attended sessions for a time with her (I have no idea why?) and no information was ever shared with me. She was cutting at the time and talking of suicide a lot (I was told that later-I lived in a different State). I just can't imagine why any therapist would think success possible without involving and educating those closest to the patient.

So I'm reading books and reading y'all's posts.  My D never forgives, never forgets, and continues to rewrite history in her own mind.

I'm sorry. Still venting obviously. I've never had anyone to talk about this stuff with. My apologies.

[Rapt Reader]

You don't need to apologize, NC312 

And 

I'm very glad you found us, and while reading all the threads on the Parenting a Child with BPD Board, please mosey on over to the LINKS to the right-hand side of this page (and every page on this Board). If you haven't read them yet, it's helpful to start at the top (very helpfully labeled START HERE!   ) and then check out every one of the TOOLS and THE LESSONS. Venting is good, and reading books is better, and checking out all the information to the right-hand side of this Board is also great   

I'm glad you found us, NC312... . We're here for you 

[Thursday]

peaceplease-

I've been following this thread since you started it. I'm so sorry this is how things are going right now.

Its eating me that my mom won't talk to me, esp knowing what I did was awful.  So I can only imagine how you feel that your daughter who you do everything for betrayed you.  I love you& know I am sorry probably doesn't mean squat to you.  But, I am genuinely sorry... . I bit the hand that feeds me.  I know that you hate me, but please know how sorry I am

I am quoting the above text because when I read it, I thought to myself, yeah? Sounds like hockey-sockey to me and other's were encouraging you here that this seemed like good news yet I knew had I gotten something like this from my SD I would feel like it was disingenuous. Why? It says I love you, it says sorry, it admits betraying you.

The part I have a hard time with is "I know sorry doesn't mean squat to you" and "I know you hate me."

To me that sounds like she is owning your feelings or telling you how you feel and that doesn't seem like empathy or like she is taking responsibility for the hurt she has caused. From my SD, when the stuff has hit the fan, we get a wide, wide range of emotions starting with denial, then justification and blaming others then she goes straight to self-loathing and that just seems so much more real than the others and it is easier to sit with because then I become active in the problem instead of just trying to work things out. And somehow, that feels exactly like my chain is being yanked.

So, in reading your other postings I just feel like you are gaining strength for continuing on and I think when we find the place where we can maintain our composure and maintain our boundaries, maintain our LOVE, we are in the best possible place to at very least, do no harm.

Look at medium chill and how that can literally empower us from that over-enmeshed place. Feeling and doing medium chill is certainly obviously better than letting our own impulses take over.

In thinking about medium chill and the process we have been through with my

SD and her behaviors of the last eight years it was my first step to healing and all the while (and I really do feel as if some of the changes she has made in her behavior have everything to do with my DH and I getting out of her way) Sd has been getting better too.

Maybe I should qualify getting better. Want to do this without hijacking your post as it is a long and detailed list. Short version- she got clean from her Xanax and other drug and alcohol addictions. She has a full time job at which she works very hard and has a good standing with her employers. She has paid us back for two big car repairs. She has taken over paying her car insurance. She has a savings account.

She is still immature and gets disregulated quite easily. However, now she can regain control of herself and come to better conclusions about how to solve her problems that before. She is still living with her grandmother and paying no rent even though she could, quite realistically, get her own place or share a place with someone. However, the situation with her grandmother isn't filled with drama. Her grandmother has some complaints about how SD doesn't pick up after herself and the complaining has caused some issues in the extended family (uncles, aunts, cousins) but I think the old lady likes having her there. l can see that SD benefits from lowered stress... . would hate for anything to compromise how she is growing.

It is easy to see that SD isn't really capable of what was expected of her. So, lowered expectations and that is painful, for your beloved child to fall short of what would just seem normal and unextraordinary. It's easy to see she will always have relationship issues. She is coming up on 23 and has never had a boyfriend and extra yucky for me is the way she announces her virginity in public sometimes.

She hangs with older women because she is out of options in her AA world for people her own age. We are currently seeing a trend that her same sex friends have all partnered off, now sober they are up to healthy relationships. All of these delayed maturity's are taking off in leaps and bounds because SD is affected with the additional problems of BPD in addition to the addiction issues. So there is still a platform for worry (on top of worry)

But despite all of this I'm in a place where I am not wringing my hands anymore. I can overhear a phone call and not go on high alert even though I can hear from inflection that she is dealing with "some drama". Drama is such a huge trigger for her.

What has changed the most is me. I don't have that same hair trigger response at the first sign of bad news. Medium chill got me here. What is really interesting is that I no longer need to have medium chill to protect myself. We are actually beginning (oh so slowly) to rebuild and I can, more than ever, simply be a neutral but supportive (sounds like an oxymoron!) cheerleader. In this place I can hear when she is messing up and not only keep up the fence but open the gate too because I'm not so upset and it sounds like you are there too. Such great self-reflection in this

I know that I absolutely need to knock off reacting while I am in emotional mind.  Perhaps, some old habits are creeping in.  I need to step back and take a refresher.   Previously, when my dd was right there, and I responded in emotional mind and went in for the do-over.  I would go back and validate and we would discuss situation.  My dd was very receptive.  So, in hindsight, I need to go back and validate the valid here, and create solid boundaries that I MUST enforce.  I absolutely will not let this happen again.

YOU GO GIRL! I'm with pessim and agree we will hold you to it.

And last, I want everyone to remember, I am step-mother and I truly believe that my medium chill was easier to come by because SD and I don't have any established and ingrained patterns in dealing with each other. I can see my own unhealthy responses to my bio-child... . she isn't burdened with mental illness though.

I'm just here to say, medium-chill is a GREAT TOOL when you are just all hung up in the problems and can't breathe anymore.

How is your Mom, dear peaceplease? And most most iimportantly, are you taking care of you? Being a caregiver is so exhausting never mind having something so very negative as finding out your DD has stolen from you (and that she won't help you out by simply running a vac for you).

xoxo

thursday

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

peaceplease-

I've been following this thread since you started it. I'm so sorry this is how things are going right now.

Its eating me that my mom won't talk to me, esp knowing what I did was awful.  So I can only imagine how you feel that your daughter who you do everything for betrayed you.  I love you& know I am sorry probably doesn't mean squat to you.  But, I am genuinely sorry... . I bit the hand that feeds me.  I know that you hate me, but please know how sorry I am

I am quoting the above text because when I read it, I thought to myself, yeah? Sounds like hockey-sockey to me and other's were encouraging you here that this seemed like good news yet I knew had I gotten something like this from my SD I would feel like it was disingenuous. Why? It says I love you, it says sorry, it admits betraying you.

The part I have a hard time with is "I know sorry doesn't mean squat to you" and "I know you hate me."

To me that sounds like she is owning your feelings or telling you how you feel and that doesn't seem like empathy or like she is taking responsibility for the hurt she has caused. From my SD, when the stuff has hit the fan, we get a wide, wide range of emotions starting with denial, then justification and blaming others then she goes straight to self-loathing and that just seems so much more real than the others and it is easier to sit with because then I become active in the problem instead of just trying to work things out. And somehow, that feels exactly like my chain is being yanked.

So, in reading your other postings I just feel like you are gaining strength for continuing on and I think when we find the place where we can maintain our composure and maintain our boundaries, maintain our LOVE, we are in the best possible place to at very least, do no harm.

Look at medium chill and how that can literally empower us from that over-enmeshed place. Feeling and doing medium chill is certainly obviously better than letting our own impulses take over.

Peaceplease - your DD got me with the first sentence "my mom won't talk to me, esp. knowing what I did was awful"... .    This triggers the guilt trap for me. If I let myself drop into that trap my boundaries and consistency yield.  Keep up the CHILL as long as needed -- you can still listen even when there is a very neutral response.

qcr

[peaceplease]

NC132 - As Rapt Reader said, there is no need for apology.  Vent away!  I am glad that you joined us here.   

Thursday -   Thanks for your post.  It is encouraging to see things are good with your SD.  A savings account?  I will be doing somersaults if my dd manages to do that!   I am just happy that she finally has a job!   I hope this lasts for a little while.  She said that she will pay my cell phone bill from now on.  Of course, she is not thinking how she has other bills and will not have enough to cover the whole bill.  I am content with her just covering her portion of it.  My mom's dementia seems to be progressing.  However, she is still oriented to person and place, and I am grateful for that. 

qcr -I used to fall for it before.  It just has happened too much.  I think one time too many, for me.  My dh seems to be wishy washy with her.  He will be mad, then cools off.  When he cools off, he is okay its over, lets forget it.  Don't do it again.  Then turn  around and buy her a pack of cigarettes. 

[nanamama]

In dealing first with my ex, then my son, then my daughter, I was advised by therapists, law enforcement, etc., that if my ex/child does something that is against the law and I DON'T report it as such, I'm just helping to teach them that they can do it again.  First to me, again, and then perhaps to others who might not be so kind and understanding about it.  I have a policy that if my family member who is mentally ill does something against the law and I know it for a FACT, I have a duty to report it as such. Let them have the natural consequences that flow from their behavior.  It's better that they learn quickly that criminal actions will not be tolerated, and should not be tolerated by family members either.  That report just might be what jogs them to get help and comply with any recommendations for treatment.  Be faced with REAL consequences rather than enabling behaviors that we THINK are being loving and kind and helpful that are actually just the opposite.

It is hard to do.  Very hard.  But we actually hinder our loved ones by trying to shelter them or keep a safety net underneath them.  We understand why they might do these things and understand that it is part of their illness.  The law doesn't really much care.  A crime is a crime.

[nanamama]

Sorry.  Couldn't see how to edit what I wrote before.  I meant to say that if a family member who is mentally ill or not.  And want to add, if someone who WASN'T a relative of mine took my credit card or credit card information and used it without my knowledge, I would report it to the credit card company.  Let them pursue the fraud and be the bad guy.  I wouldn't hesitate to do it to a stranger.  Why would I accept unacceptable behavior just because it's someone I love and care about?

[Esperança_Hope]

Hi peaceplease. I miss you. I remember waht a wonderful mom you´re.  I read all the good  posts abou oyur issue with DD. I´m so sorry and the only thig i´d say is: i´m here to read an try to help you. After all i read i just feel bad with the car. because , in a way, she slided to hte problem you would have if not  let her use  the car. So, i would took of the car and the credit card from her.  it´s simple as that. i don´t like too much negotiation. She stoled you credit card and make impossible for you to take off the car. It´s a trck. My point of view. I´m so bad with my english and a know less than anyone here. but i want to say to you these words.