The Projections - Still Cannot Figure Them Out

[rodrod]

Even though my relationship with my BPD girlfriend has ended, there is still some communication while we settle things.  I am still sad for the breakup.  But, when we communicate now, I am knocked back into a very present reality of how difficult the relationship was.  My girlfriend does not trigger on the rest of the world as can be expected but still triggers on me, which I guess is to expected, hence the getting knocked back into the difficulty of dealing with her.  So, trying to figure out the projections... . I am re-reading Walking on Egg Shells to continue to try to figure out the extent of problems that were hers and the problems that are truly mine.  I am trying to increase my understanding still of BPD behavior to help myself figure out what the heck went on then and now.  I always knew from early on that if I wanted to figure out what my girlfriend was doing to me, all I had to do was listen to what she was accusing me of.  Of course, not everything is a projections and sometimes real hard and honest truths are spoken by my girlfriend (still not used to calling anyone an ex-girlfriend) and discriminating between the real and the real projections is as hard as ever.  I guess I'm not so detached yet to not give a heck, and therefore I am still getting spun by some BPD behavior, such as the projections.  I am thinking and hoping that as I get some more distance the projected and the real will become clearer.  I feel sorry for my girlfriend now (more so than before) because I continue to learn about BPD behavior and can get a little more perspective on how emotionally out of control she can be in her own mind, and how hard that is for her.  I can see that with or without me, she is still, at her core, is not so happy in life, not happy with herself, not happy with her children, and still not happy with me.  I guess it goes without saying that's all pretty sad.   

[Octoberfest]

rod,

You are right, it is very sad. I easily identify with your feelings there.  In terms of figuring out what was a legitimate concern/complaint of YOUR behavior, and what was projection, the most important thing is that you be absolutely HONEST with yourself.  It is a sign of strength to be able to reflect back and critique yourself.  It is how we grow, and improve ourselves.  Sadly, for many pwBPD who struggle with their self image, this sort of reflection is oftentimes too painful and threatens to shatter their already weak and fluid sense of self.  Given the challenges that they face, I don't know that I can blame them.  It IS painful, and hurtful to admit when you have treated someone poorly.  Just this past weekend I went and visited a girl in another town, who I had only met once back in January.  We really got along well during our first meeting, and a combination of circumstances is the only thing that prevented us from seeing more of each other.  This past weekend when I went up, for reasons beyond me I proceeded to drink A LOT, and made an absolute fool out of myself in front of her, her siblings (I am 21, she 20, her siblings 18 and 14), and her friends.  Unsurprisingly, the next day I get a text telling me, "I'm not into this at all. Sorry.", and the worst part is that I cannot, and do not for a second, blame her.  I am so embarrassed and ashamed of how I behaved that night.  It was a complete 180 from how I was when she and I met, and how I normally conduct myself around those I do not know well.  I probably take self-critique to the extreme, but my point in telling this story is that I am going to make DAMN sure, now that I am aware of that unacceptable behavior, to not ever allow it to happen again.  You can do the same (hopefully without beating yourself up about it like I do).

Some of the possible projections should be easy to figure out.  For instance, my BPDex accused me of cheating on her.  I never did.  Case closed.  Other situations can involve gaslighting, and be a lot more confusing; I.e. if your BPDex accused you of constantly flirting with other women, you may begin to believe you were even if at the time, you had no such intentions.  Remember, you are the person who knows you best.  You are the person who knows what your true intentions are and were.  

Some of the more legitimate concerns I see relate to communication.  It's entirely possible, and likely even, that when we communicate with our BPDex's we may be invalidating them unintentionally. I don't have easy access to the links for the workshops anymore, but there is a great one on communicating without invalidating the feelings of your pwBPD. Perhaps one of the ambassadors or advisors can provide it. Even if the relationship is over, it can't hurt at all to work on those skills.

I think you nailed it at the end of your post, rodrod.  It is critical and awesome that you realize that you do not hold the key to your BPDex's happiness; this means that her unhappiness is NOT due to you or your actions.  Additionally, she does not hold the key to yours. It has been almost 11 months since I split with my BPDex and only in the last week or two and I starting to REALLY feel like I am moving on.  Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

[Turkish]

rod,

Some of the possible projections should be easy to figure out.  For instance, my BPDex accused me of cheating on her.  I never did.  Case closed.  Other situations can involve gaslighting, and be a lot more confusing; I.e. if your BPDex accused you of constantly flirting with other women, you may begin to believe you were even if at the time, you had no such intentions.  Remember, you are the person who knows you best.  You are the person who knows what your true intentions are and were.  

I got this, too. "You won't ever leave me, will you?" "You won't ever cheat on me, will you?" For the first three years of a 6 year r/s.

Then she did these very things at the end of Year 6. So mind boggling. She mirrored her father, the one person she longs to get close to, the broken attachment in her youth, her core abandonment wound.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

Some of the more legitimate concerns I see relate to communication.  It's entirely possible, and likely even, that when we communicate with our BPDex's we may be invalidating them unintentionally. I don't have easy access to the links for the workshops anymore, but there is a great one on communicating without invalidating the feelings of your pwBPD. Perhaps one of the ambassadors or advisors can provide it. Even if the relationship is over, it can't hurt at all to work on those skills.

In a Lurch voice, "you rang?"

rodrod, here are some links which may be of help to you.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

There is a saying here, rodrod, "feelings are not facts." But to a pwBPD, they can be. pwBPD feel the same emotions that we do, only more intensely. Another saying here is "validate the valid, invalidate the invalid." This is where tools like SET come into play.

Her emotions are real, that is undeniable. So are yours. We can't change that with logic or reason. What we can do is speak the truth, validating first, offering empathy second, and then speaking truth, most often with some type of clear boundary.

I'm sorry that your r/s seems to be ended. Like you, I triggered the bad feelings of my uBPDx. She had to leave at this point, as it seemed to be permanent. It's sad, and so unnecessary from my point-of-view, but to her, it is. So in a way, I only fought the end of the r/s for a little while, and then let her go.

I think you nailed it at the end of your post, rodrod.  It is critical and awesome that you realize that you do not hold the key to your BPDex's happiness; this means that her unhappiness is NOT due to you or your actions.  Additionally, she does not hold the key to yours. It has been almost 11 months since I split with my BPDex and only in the last week or two and I starting to REALLY feel like I am moving on.  Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.

I said this to mine, and she said, "I know!" Then still left because she found a new attachment. From complete idealization to discard in a year and a half. I was the second "The One." Now she is with another "The One." It's pathetic, but more sad than anything. Like Octoberfest said, be kind to yourself.

I often think, and it helps me just a little, "If not me, then it would have been another. If not him (my replacement), it would have been someone else."

We did what we did, and sure, we had our parts to play, but our pwBPD are still free agents, free to make choices, both good and bad. Detaching, we only have control over the choices we make now for ourselves. We are wounded, for sure, but freer in a sense, with a new clarity of Self, and Purpose for the future.