Thanks for writing Vatz. Several things you said resonate with me.
She's finding a place, and we're basically done. I'm happy she finally said it.
I was completely enmeshed in the drama of my relationship. At times, I'd feel like my ex was trying to rip me open to find the control panel, and I'd push away. At other times, I'd feel like she was a million miles away, or viewing me as her persecutor. It was a brutal way to live, but I was an active participant.
We said "goodbye" a number of times. Then, finally, after she abandoned the relationship last November, and a few "re-connects" with an eye to "fixing" it, she suddenly dropped it and said goodbye. A couple weeks after a midnight text of "I miss you" she said, "I won't write again."
I was relieved, as well, at least momentarily.
But, then the deep pain emerged in me, and the hard work began.
I made a commitment, with the help of this community, to detach. I blocked phone, e-mail, social media -- everything that could be used to recycle. And I committed myself to the leaving board.
Still, I was devastated, man. Crushed. Rejected. Abandoned.
The thing is, I now realize that pain is my key to freedom. That pain comes from within me. And if I feel it, and process it, and go through it, I will emerge (hopefully) as a healthier adult, who has a higher capability to withstand criticism, avoid co-dependence, and self-regulate.
Despite being somewhat glad that she no longer wants to be with me, I'm left wondering was I maybe the abusive one? It's possible. I feel like her leaving is just the beginning, that I'm only going further downhill. I'm really the bad guy somehow.
My inner critic has the voice of my xBPDgf. "You can't commit." "You are trying to control me." "You set me back to ground zero."
I bought that s--- for a long time. Until I found this community.
I can't fix her. I can't save the relationship. And, I can't own her baggage. That's what I learned in reading about BPD. It doesn't absolve me and my role -- but it frees me to look at me and my role.
And, for the first time in my life, I'm saying to myself, "You're okay." That means I have to forgive myself. That means I have to sit with this BS and not run from it, or fix it.
But, I'm going uphill, one slow step at a time.
Thanks for posting, and we're here for you.