Time to switch baords

[popeye6031]

Well, I think I will be moving to the leaving board now.

I just ended it with my fiancee today.

She is foreign and we we have been trying to sort a holiday visa for her, just to see how we get on here for a few months before making wedding plans.

We have been together for 2 years and 3 months and I have spent a lot of time with her in her coutnry, once staying for 4 months.

Well, last night she met up with a fellow "model" (she has been doing some the last few months) for his farewell party.

She likes to keep in cotnact with me constantly to update me on everything she does at ever minute but mainly to make sure she knows what I am doing.

And when the cotnact suddenly stops, as was the case last night, then I know something fishy is going on.

Well, the farewell party turned into just the 2 of them and her big mistake was going to a gig in a bar where the guy djing is a friend of both of us.

After her messaging with me suddenly stopped and 2 hours passed, I messaged teh mutual friend asking if she was with him and ok.

Really I checking up on her, due to my suspicions and past experiences with her.

He messages me back asking me to call him asap.

So, I call and he says that she was there with some dude and I repsond that I know about that.

Then he says that they are a bit close, he was holding back.

And I asked how close were they getting.  To cut it short, he said they were all over each other, kissing and grabbing each other's asses.

Seen by him, his girlfriend and everyone else in their group.

And I believe him as he has no motive for making it up and I know how she is.

I tried calling her a few minutes later but no answer.

I know her very well and I know she cannot resist messaging me and calling me, even more so when drunk.

Hence, I knew that she most likely went to this guy's place.

I have been looking for a reason to get out of the relatonship due to her need for control over everything I do, the abuse, the accusations, the never ending

demands and of course cheating.

But, to be honest, it really killed me when hearing that from our mutual friend and I had a very sleepless night last night. 

This morning, without specifically saying that I was told about her actions, I informed her I knew she had cheated and we are finsihed.

The conversation has been going on all day and she just keeps denying it.  I would love to tell her how I know but keeping the others out of it.

She is trying to get me to message the guy and ask him.  Yes, sure, message the guy who had his hands all over my fiancee's ass knowing that she was engaged.

One thing she has not done is tell me to ask our mutual friend.  Says it all really.

She is begging me and begging for me not to break up and as much as it is killing me to do it, I have to.

There is no respect for me or our relationship.  Enough is enough.

Apolgies for the ramblng.

[allibaba]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this.  It is very hard... . wonder if it might be for the best though

[popeye6031]

As hard as it is, you are right.  It is for the best.  Now time to get the old me back again.

[cosmonaut]

I'm sorry, man.  That's unforgiveable what she did to you.  She not only cheats, but straight up lies to you about it afterward.  Absolutely gutless.  I think you're doing the right thing in leaving her.  I couldn't stay after that.  I could never trust her again.  I'm really sorry, though.  I know it hurts like hell to have someone do that to you... .

[allibaba]

As hard as it is, you are right.  It is for the best.  Now time to get the old me back again.

If it makes you feel any better... . After years of effort and at least 1 year of properly following the lessons on this board... . I finally called it quits with my uBPD husband... . The last 4 months have been shockingly peaceful.  I guess the process of working the lessons freed me from the bondage of my codependent self.

[popeye6031]

Thanks Allibaba and cosmonaut for your replies.

Well done Allibaba on making your decision to leave.  I have seen you posting on the site since I joined around a year ago

and thought you were doing very well staying in your situation as it was.

Cosmonaut, you are right, it would be hard to trust someone again after this.

Of course, she is begging me to give her another chance, like she has done before.  I have told her I want 1 week to myself with

no contact so I can think about htings.  She has agreed but I know that she is not gonna make things easy on me.

I have said that IF I decide to give her another chance, that everything is gong to change.  But I am probably fooling myself.

I am struggling as a big part of me just wants to quit and run.  The other part feels pity and love for her.

[MissTajo]

So sorry you had to go trough this.

Now there's a new life ahead of you and someone so much better (someone who respects you) will come along. It's for the best 

[rj47]

So very sorry.Many of us here have been hurt in the similar ways by SO's and spouses but had the additional complications of long term shared lives, shared assets and of course; children, to keep us tethered to them when we otherwise wouldn't have stayed. I often wish my BPDw would have cheated 27 years when ending it would have been as simple as changing the locks.

[allibaba]

Thanks Allibaba and cosmonaut for your replies.

Well done Allibaba on making your decision to leave.  I have seen you posting on the site since I joined around a year ago

and thought you were doing very well staying in your situation as it was.

... .

I am struggling as a big part of me just wants to quit and run.  The other part feels pity and love for her.

Popeye,  I think that the process of truly learning and embracing the lessons set me free from the bondage of co-dependence.  I had to clearly come to terms with the fact that by making certain decisions - I might lose my husband (either because he would leave or I would get healthy enough not to want to live like this any more).  That process set me free.  The one thing that I can say is that I am completely at peace with my decision.  I would have been very happy if my husband had chosen a healthier path and could have stayed though

The one thing that I will say... . is that when I decided to leave... . I was not escaping.  My feet were firmly planted on the ground and it was no surprise.  By using the lessons I have been (mostly) able to circumvent drama despite the fact that my husband and I have been separated for more than 3 months now.

Good luck with your situation   Its never easy.