I'm on here and she is engaged again?

[Jb2003]

I really am trying to move on! We have so many mutual friends... . So I have now been N/C

For a week and we are just a little over one month from when she ended the R/S and she is already engaged to my substitute. I know it is her cycle, but how do I deal with the pain?

I just feel used for a 6 month vacation. She lived with me for 6 months and was so "depressed" she couldn't get out of bed. Now she is up and out and going to bars? I had to help her to the tub and wash her and dry her and help her back into bed! I am trying to move on... . I really am but it is so hard... . Why do I want her? Why couldn't she move out of bed for me... . I just feel used and thrown away... . I mean she asked me to marry HER! What the hell is going on here... . I'm going out of my mind! Not even broke up For 40 days yet and she is engaged... . Today I feel very low... .   :'(  

[bpdspell]

Hearing that an ex we love is getting married would be tough for anyone to hear but your worth isn't tied to her decision to latch on so quickly to new supply.

It isn't normal to be engaged so soon after a breakup so use this information as an affirmation of how "unwell" your ex-really is.  Understanding mental illness and BPD does take time to sink in and accept as it is difficult to believe that someone who looks so normal on the outside could really have such a compromised sense of self. But that is the case with your ex and all of our ex's.

An engagement will not cure your ex's "sickness" her "mental illness" or "depression." It just won't. A marriage will not solve her emotional problems. She will not ride off into the sunset of bar hopping and happiness. BPD is a serious mental illness and it cannot be erased with a marriage certificate.

Our ex's being with other people doesn't mean that "we" aren't good enough. You will feel "not good enough" for now but perhaps now we be the time to see a T because your happiness is not with a person who's a proven user.  Borderlines relate to people like objects. It's all about them and their "needs" and their desires to find that replacement parent. And she will do this with the new "fiancé."

It will take time but you can grow into validating yourself. No I won't stop the pain your feeling  from abandonment and rejection now but try not to see yourself as the loser of love here. My ex "used" me for 10 months: sex, money, cigarettes, cooked meals….anything he could get me to "buy" him he'd take. And I gave it to him because I believed in my heart that I was being a good girlfriend even though most times I felt resentful as hell. The silent agreement was that if I took care of him he'd never abandon me. So when he started a dumb argument to break up with me and try new supply I was shattered. Talk about feeling used. And dummy me…I still took him back after two week of him trying out his new supply. But the trust was busted and gone. Looking back I can tell you I didn't love myself and I was willing to discard my self-respect for his abusive and neglecting love. I had to get help.

Not marrying someone who is mentally ill is winning. I hope someway in this post you can see this truth. Your ex is doing you a huge favor.

Spell

[seeking balance]

but how do I deal with the pain?

Cry, be angry, cry some more.

Put yourself around people who you feel whole with not ones that drain you.

You are hurt, let yourself heal and you will be stronger from it all.   

Why do I want her? Why couldn't she move out of bed for me... . I just feel used and thrown away... . I mean she asked me to marry HER! What the hell is going on here... . I'm going out of my mind! Not even broke up For 40 days yet and she is engaged... . Today I feel very low... .   :'(  

Read this thread in 1 year and this will ring true '- "you dodged a bullet".

Your ego is hurt, but the core you who didn't marry her and knew that marrying a depressed person was not a good idea - this is the you that needs to be in control of your emotions now.

It was not about you that she didn't get out of bed - pwBPD have a gift of reading people and learning how to act, what to say for them to attach... . pwBPD are chameleons to whatever/whoever the situation requires - part of the "unstable sense of self" criteria.

Be good to you - you really will be ok sooner than you think.

Peace,

SB

[sirensong65]

I have no idea what mine is up to but since I believe he had a replacement IN place before he ever caused problems so we would break up, my guess would be he is still with her and probably sexting and emailing with others, he needs constant attention from multiple sources.

He was depressed and getting over weight with me.  Once we started heading for the fall he became interested in all sorts of things (probably HER interests) and was busy with "other" plans all the time.  But one thing is for sure, the wagon always circles around.  What do I mean?  Well, this new fiance she has will eventually being bathing her ass and putting her back in bed too and wondering what the hell he has gotten himself into.  Those episodes just don't GO AWAY with the new love.

So, rest easy in knowing you DID dodge a bullet.  I would actually say a prayer for the poor new guy, he needs it.

[Aussie0zborn]

I read as much as I could about BPD and talked for hours about it with my T and came to understand the disorder hence not feeling the pain of being used.  I felt it during devaluation and immediately after the horrible separation but was over it in about a week.

Six months is nothing my friend.  You're lucky it wasn't six years, a million dollars and two children. If you can afford a therapist it would be a good investment.

I understand the bit about her being lethargic and doing nothing for six months while you ran around doing everything for her. And now... . she has all the energy in the world. Just like mine... . like a person with a physical disability one minute and a an Olympic athlete the next.

Put it down to experience and feel thankful that it was only six months. If this is how six months of abuse affects you, imagine six years. Consider yourself lucky and treat yourself to something to celebrate your good fortune in dodging a bullet.

[quote author=Jb2003

It was not about you that she didn't get out of bed - pwBPD have a gift of reading people and learning how to act, what to say for them to attach... . pwBPD are chameleons to whatever/whoever the situation requires - part of the "unstable sense of self" criteria.

You allowed her to do that. You showed her you would do everything for her and that she didn't need to do anything for herself. So now that you know this, what exactly are you hurt about? What are you missing here?

Cut the whining and start celebrating. Live your life and forget about her. You lucky man, you! If only I could be in your shoes.