Weird to think that he won't be popping up in my mail box...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Last night, after I received an email from my exuBPDbf in which he said, 'I know you've cut me off now, but I just have to tell you that I think about you every minute of the day.  I miss you like crazy!' 

My unasked question was Why?  Why do you have to tell me?  It just hurts and if he loved me even a little he wouldn't want to keep hurting me over and over again. 

So I blocked his email address from all of my mail boxes.  He can't text me any more because Ive not mobile coverage where I live.  The only way he can contact me is to phone and I know he won't do that because he is too scared to actually speak to me!  He knows I will give him a serious bo!ocking and he can't take the reality of that.

So, even though I don't want to hear from him, I did always feel something when I saw a message from him... . not sure what though.  But now that I won't hear I feel weird.  There is this eery silence. 

Janey  :'(

[janey62]

Last night, after I received an email from my exuBPDbf in which he said, 'I know you've cut me off now, but I just have to tell you that I think about you every minute of the day.  I miss you like crazy!' 

My unasked question was Why?  Why do you have to tell me?  It just hurts and if he loved me even a little he wouldn't want to keep hurting me over and over again. 

So I blocked his email address from all of my mail boxes.  He can't text me any more because Ive not mobile coverage where I live.  The only way he can contact me is to phone and I know he won't do that because he is too scared to actually speak to me!  He knows I will give him a serious bo!ocking and he can't take the reality of that.

So, even though I don't want to hear from him, I did always feel something when I saw a message from him... . not sure what though.  But now that I won't hear I feel weird.  There is this eery silence. 

Janey  :'(

[cosmonaut]

Sorry, but I'm not too familiar with the situation with your ex.  Have you told him explicitly that you don't want to have any further contact with him?  I think it's only fair that you offer him some closure too.  Give him a chance to say goodbye.  We always want that from them.

[janey62]

You're right cosmonaut, you don't know the situation with my ex and therefore I don't think you can really comment on it. 

You can read all or some of my past posts if you're interested if you click on my name and look at my profile page.

Janey

[heartandwhole]

I did always feel something when I saw a message from him... . not sure what though.  But now that I won't hear I feel weird.  There is this eery silence. 

It's hard to let go.    I remember how vast the silence felt after my last communication with pwBPD – I was only left with my feelings, yikes! 

It sounds like another step on your healing road, Janey.  Are you able to identify your feelings around this?  If not, just feeling the physical sensations is helpful, too.

[Stjarna]

Oh Janey, I can certain empathize with how you feel.  I got a text from my ex-H last night too that made me feel very, very sad for him.  I have not yet totally blocked him, but the communications are less and less, and finally they are having less effect on me as time goes by.  Or, at least the sadness I feel doesn't hurt quite as deep, is more superficial and then dissipates more quickly. 

Here is what mine said:  ":)on't know if your blocked my calls, so I won't know if you will get the thought I have just had.  Early this morning I dropped M (new girlfriend) off at the airport.  She is visiting her family at their home.  She wondered why I did not want to go with her.  Once I had the chance to go to the San Juans.  I did not go.  Once I had the chance to go to Mexico.  I declined.  ONce I had the chance to go to Costa Rica, said no.  Now M for sure wants me to go to Ireland and Peru in September. Probably won't go.  Wondered why?  Then after I woke up from my nap, it hit me, I guesss I realized I really never wanted to see those places without you."

I didn't really know how to respond to him without hurting his feelings.  I was out on my horse all day without my phone and it was several hours after he sent it that I did finally see it.  I replied to that effect and that his thoughts made me sad. 

Then I got this reply:  Should have not shared that with you.  It was a mistake.  Caught in a flash of loneliness.  Won't happen again. 

He is always the one to initiate contact.  I respond as politely and unemotional as I can.  We have 5 adult children, 10 grandchildren, and two of our kids have special needs, so I don't really know if we can ever have absolutely no contact.  I do take his second text as a sign that perhaps he is trying to move on and will eventually be okay (whatever that is). 

Detaching is so hard.  There are so many hurts.  I do also feel something when I see his name come up on my phone, and I also have trouble knowing exactly what that feeling is.  I just keep trying to do my best, putting my feet forward in my life and letting the feelings wash over.  Hard, though, very hard.

[janey62]

It really is hard Stjarna, and I can't work out exactly what the feeling is either, its all mixed up.  I do feel for you though.  When I read what you'd written it touched a sadness in me so deep that I don't know if I can ever reach the bottom of it.

It think that I loved/love him but know I can't have him and that creates an emotional paradox; I think we all have that in common.

I knew it early on in our relationship; I remember telling a friend that I felt as if I had a tiger by the tail and would just hang on as long as I could, so really I can't and don't blame him for my pain now, I knew I was onto a loser.  I'd forgotten about that until this moment!  Amazing how we can block inconvenient truths out... .

The desire and need to love and protect him, even in the face of his rejection of me, is overwhelming and it's taking every bit of strength I have to not contact him and try to ease his pain.  Also, in spite of his rejection of me over and over I still worry for him and sometimes find myself blocking out hurt, amnesia sets in. 

I do believe that they mean what they say, feel what they say they feel, but they just don't have any impulse control or the ability to rationalise their feelings.  They feel something and so it becomes their reality and engulfs them.  How awful!

I feel alone.  More alone than I thought it was possible to feel.  But this is me too, I have been heading for this all of my life.  I just hope I've got the energy to recover from it.  But I'm also trying to get better.  Working in a new and challenging job, living in a completely new and amazing place, making friends, going for long walks.  Even have a walking date next weekend with a guy I met a few months ago who I told I wasn't ready to see anyone new and so he stepped back and was understanding.  But now I'm thinking, having heard from him again, a walk might be a good thing, nothing more, just a walk... . although that is a bit scary!

You must have been with your ex for a lot longer than I was with mine, we were only together 18 months, and I feel so sad.  It must be unbearable for you... . Sending you a hug   

Also if you share kids, etc., then that's hard too.  You just have to keep trying to find ways of feeling stronger and accept that it is this way now but will get easier as time goes on, a bit like a bereavement I suppose, the pain will fade eventually.

In the meantime grab at any moments of happiness and keep trying to learn and grow.

Janey xx

[Surrender]

Yes Janey I'm in the same spot too right now and it feels foreign and empty. I always looked forward to hearing from him and sharing all the research we were onto. Now there is nothing but the strange thing is that he is the one that initiated the break and is keeping the distance it seems without a problem as though it is not causing him much grief.

It causes me great grief to not have him in my world even with all the heart ache and agony he kept inflicting and yet here I am... . empty mailbox... . no texts... . just silence.

I don't know when I will get used to that but I hope it is soon because some days I feel like I am going to break into pieces I miss him so bad. But then when I think about it why do I miss the only person that has hurt me the most over and over and over again? Loving my exBPD bf only meant pain for the most part but the bliss and the heaven were surreal.

It is lonely... . thing ending. I miss my best friend most of all but maybe that too was an illusion after all he made me suffer terribly. Like your realization Janey mine too was a beautiful loser.

Thank you St. Jarna that helped and made me cry. My ex always said to me that he didn't want to experience seeing new places or great music bands without me. What you wrote reminded me of the dynamic between my ex and I which in many ways was so very beautiful if it wasn't for his illness which robbed of us of even loving one another. It is too new right now our ending and separation. I am raw and grieving the loss as though it is a death. It doesn't help that we bonded and he stepped into my world just as I was losing my father who was my best friend. My ex it seemed stepped in to take the place of my dad because I have no family but him.

When my ex came into my life he became my family and that is what has made this all so much more painful and agonizing. I feel like I have gone through two of the greatest losses in my entire life.

I am happy to just put one foot forward after the other for now. So so sad.

[janey62]

  to you too Surrender!

It is amazing how closely bonded we became to someone who, in my case anyway, appeared to be quite unstable right from the start. 

I think it may go back to the mirroring thing, what they do, they mirror us and we project what our heart desires, perfect blissful love.  They don't know how to do it so they just reflect back to us what we are asking for and giving.,

2010, who is a member on here, wrote a great post about mirroring.  If you go to members page and search for 2010 by name, then click on her posts and go to page 8 it is the second post down, number 142.  It's long but full of insight into why we are so attracted to pwBPD.  I think she must be a psychologist or psychiatrist of something clinical because she has amazing insight, but also humour and warmth.  A lot of her posts make for good reading... .

One day at a time is the best way forward.  First there is the shock and pain, then the depression (all of which have to be born), then comes enlightenment, so they say... . I'm gonna hold out for the enlightenment phase!

Janey xx

[Stjarna]

Thank you, Janey, for your kind words and your empathy.  This touched me so... .

When I read what you'd written it touched a sadness in me so deep that I don't know if I can ever reach the bottom of it.

We were married for 40 years. It's no wonder it is going to take me awhile to get clear.  Some days I am so positive, and some days I still feel like I will never be free from the guilt of leaving him. 

Stjarna is part of my Icelandic horse's name.  It means "star" in Icelandic.  My little mare has helped me keep my sanity and to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but there are still some really sad days... . even after a year of being apart, therapy, reading everything I can, seeking to get clear with my own emotions.  I guess 40 years with someone like him has left its scars.

But thank you for your kind words, and yours too, Surrender.

[janey62]

Wow Stjarna, 40 years is a long time.  Was some of it good?  I hope so, I hate to think of anyone being in an awful situation for so long... .

Your horse sounds lovely and what a great way to work through this time, out all day riding.  I am living alone with my two ShihTzus who are wonderful company.  They are intelligent and loving little dogs and always there to greet me when I come home.

We spend a lot of time out walking together and even though they're small they love the rambling forest walks and getting dirty... .

Life can be strange sometimes and leave us washed up on some unusual shores, so we dry ourselves off and build a fire and search for food and be glad we're alive  

Janey xx

[Surrender]

Wow Stjarna, 40 years is a long time.  Was some of it good?  I hope so, I hate to think of anyone being in an awful situation for so long... .

Your horse sounds lovely and what a great way to work through this time, out all day riding.  I am living alone with my two ShihTzus who are wonderful company.  They are intelligent and loving little dogs and always there to greet me when I come home.

We spend a lot of time out walking together and even though they're small they love the rambling forest walks and getting dirty... .

Life can be strange sometimes and leave us washed up on some unusual shores, so we dry ourselves off and build a fire and search for food and be glad we're alive  

Janey xx

Janey and Stjarna you both have a beautiful way of expressing life and in both your writing I see that we all will be fine. We are naturally doing the things that heal and are good for our souls. There is intelligence, creativity and a fire for life and love inside us so how can we go wrong? I read many times that BPD's attract strong intelligent and very capable women. I'm understanding why that is on their part but not sure why it is on our parts? I'm going to read what you suggested Janey as I know that will be good for my understanding. Well it seems we all have little pet warriors of Light to help us and that brings us much peace thank goodness.

I know we all will be fine in time and perhaps even flourish. This has taught me so much to be honest. This perhaps has taught me the most I've ever learned via a person, relationships and most of all about myself. That journey of discovery is still ongoing but the most I've ever learned is through my ex and for that I know I will always be grateful. I'm not so concerned anymore in finding a mate strangely so I think I'll just work on myself, become strong and learn to genuinely love myself, maybe even go back to school.

It's about me now I think and maybe if anything this taught me that I long neglected the person I should love the most... . me. 

Glad I have my dogs and those around me that I love. I know it's not as bad as I feel right now... . the fog keeps lifting by the day and bits and pieces of the sun is finally getting through.

Keep writing Janey... . you have a beautiful way of describing things.

[Stjarna]

Oh yes, Janey, some parts were very, very good.  He was a very hard worker, very faithful, and when he wasn't raging he could be very sweet and generous, and he has a natural sense of humor that was precious.  My therapist said that of course it couldn't have been like walking on broken glass 100 percent of the time, because then no one would have lasted 40 years.  The problem was that the periods of walking on broken glass were so unpredictable.  

He actually had toned down in later years, but it was mostly due to self-medicating his rages away with narcotics and benzodiazepines, which then left me with a shell of a person as a partner.  He did nothing but work and sleep and would not even acknowledge me when I walked in the door from my stressful job.  This went on for 4 years before I got help from a therapist and started to think for myself and how I wanted to live out the rest of my life.

He is now supposedly off all of the drugs and has had a lot of court-ordered therapy, but the push/pull behavior, the idealization and devaluation is rampant - sometimes within minutes of each other, and I do not see any sort of true healing going on other than he thinks the world would all be okay if I would just come back.  

The other issue that affects me is that I think I may suffer from some sort of PTSD from the early, really rageful years.  I'm pretty sure I built tall walls around myself and just coped with things in a state of survival for me and the kids.  I grew to have sort of a physical aversion to any physical contact.  He did not know this -- my coping skills were well established many years ago when I was truly afraid that he would take the kids away if I expressed ANYTHING that wasn't complete compliance.  

So, I need to address my "caretaker" and "fixer" issues and realize that I cannot fix him, and that there probably isn't any way for us to be healthy together again, which still makes me so sad.  Unusual shores, yes... . so I'm going to dry myself off and build a fire and be grateful!  I have wonderful people to share my life with, so thank you for that reminder.  Gratitude... . always.

[janey62]

Well good, you deserve some peace and happiness, however you go about finding it.

Someone on here said to me some weeks ago when I was agonising about how my ex was suffering and missing me that pwBPD were survivors and would always do what they had to do to get by, in spite of us.

I think that's true, but even if it isn't, you've given him a lot of years of your life and now it's time to choose you!

I identify with what you say about him thinking the world would be ok if you would just come back, that's exactly like mine.  He threw me out, rejected me, played his games of push/pull and then was hurt and miserable when I left, and now tells me he can't live without me.  But I'm getting on with my life and I'm pretty sure he is getting on with his.

This next bit is exciting because I've learned so much from this, started to change in subtle ways and think I might be a better person for it.  Certainly I'm a lot less likely to pick another person who is disordered... .

Janey x