My exBPDgf is now engaged to a pwBPD

[Jb2003]

Can that relationship work? Can BPD survive each other? I really would like some input... . I know I am coming to terms that I don't want her back but... . This doesn't seem like a wise choice for her. I am wondering if 2 people so dysfunctional in 1 realationship isn't heading for a train wreck... . Ambassadors input please... . Or anyone... . What are the chances?

[Take2]

I recently read on here on a different post that when a r/s with a pwBPD lasts a very long time, it's likely that the partner is equally disordered.  We bond with our emotional equals right?  That doesn't mean we are borderline - but for those of us (like myself) who lasted a while in the r/s even after knowing how horribly abusive and dysfunctional the situation... . it became very clear to me at least that I had alot of issues I needed to work on (still do- going thru the process)... .    so is this two people with diagnosed BPD?  I really have no real background on it... . one would think it could be quite explosive given our own histories here... .  

[Jb2003]

Yes both are diagnosed with BPD... . and he also is NPD so... .

[DB33]

Can BPD survive each other?

My only experience is my xGF and her teenage son, both of whom exhibited most of the BPD traits.

When emotions became disregulated and angry fights ensued- look out! Neither one could stop themselves and verbal abuse escalated to violence escalated to suicide threats escalated to more extreme violence... .   It invariably ended with one (mom ) physically dominating the other into submission.

I can't imagine what a BPD/BPD relationship would look and sound like during a mutual rage.

[Turkish]

Can that relationship work? Can BPD survive each other? I really would like some input... . I know I am coming to terms that I don't want her back but... . This doesn't seem like a wise choice for her. I am wondering if 2 people so dysfunctional in 1 realationship isn't heading for a train wreck... . Ambassadors input please... . Or anyone... . What are the chances?

Hi jb2003. If you read the intro board, you will see adult children coming here healing and dealing with relationships from families with similar dynamics. My impression is that it is usually BPD wife and BPD/NPD husband. The Coping and Healing Board most likely has a lot there as well, the most dramatic and tragic stories.

We can simplify all we want to get to the essence of the disorder in our SO's lives, but in reality, there are a lot of complex dynamics going on, not the least of which is that these people are, well, people: individuals with their own stories and histories. Adding in different families, cultures, ages, financial circumstances, and I think what seems to be a simple story becomes quite a heavy tome. Some people can feed off each other's dysfunction and drama, going their whole lives doing so. We never know what private hells people endure.

Are you more worried about her safety, or do you have lingering feelings as if you could have made it work?

My uBPDx is likely with a guy who may be NPD or BPD himself. He definitely shows strong narc traits (like her two bfs before me, the last one likely an NPD who ended up in jail shortly after she booted him). I confess that I have similar feelings... . as in, "when will it end between them?" Or more frighteningly, "can they actually last?"

Mine didn't get triggered to exhibit her 7th and 8th traits of BPD until the last 8-9 months of our 6 year r/s. It could be that she could hang on with someone, as I did, only exhibiting 5 or 6, and even those took a good year for me to see, months after we moved in together. It could be that she may never get triggered again with someone as she did with me, because the circumstances of running a home with two careers and two children she will never have again with anybody. What will happen will happen, and the only thing I can control about that is how I feel about it.

[Jb2003]

Thanks for the replies... . I could lie and say that I wish her happiness and that I hope everything works out... . But in truth... For whatever messed up reason I have this weird fantasy that she will realize how much I did and meant to her... And come back... . I know that isn't healthy... I not sure if this is one of the phases of detachment or it is just I'm stupid. I push thru everyday doing my best to rationalize the whole situation. I read all the posts on here and I agree with almost all and I even on my good days have given advice but it still haunts me... . in short daydreams... . At night I wake up expecting her to be there to come to cold reality she is not... . So I press on... I know it will take time and I know that it will pass... . But in the interim it sometime consumes me... . I really can't comprehend how a person can treat someone with such a uncaring way after professing such a love for them... .   I know it is the BPD but knowing doesn't make it right and shouldn't give a person carte-Blanche to crush someone and it be ok... .