What does this step by her mean?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all,

I just figured out today that during the past few days my exBPDgf of 3.5 years deleted me from Facebook. She broke up with me 2 months ago because she wanted to deal with her issues and "find her self". Interesting enough during our relationship she often mentioned a hot guy from near where she lives and after we broke up she added him immediately on FB.

I was wondering, from your experiences, how should I perceive this? Is this a clear sign that she is moving on to another guy or could this be a way for her to test if I will react and "fight" for her as I promised I would earlier in the relationship.

Obviously I know I should not care and I should be happy, and in fact, I am not hurt that much, it's more that I am surprised because I see no reason for this. The break-up was polite and we exchanged a few normal conversations about my new job and her things since the break-up.

My gut is telling me she wants to see if I will react. What do you guys think from personal experiences?

Thank you all so much

[max101]

Hello all,

I just figured out today that during the past few days my exBPDgf of 3.5 years deleted me from Facebook. She broke up with me 2 months ago because she wanted to deal with her issues and "find her self". Interesting enough during our relationship she often mentioned a hot guy from near where she lives and after we broke up she added him immediately on FB.

I was wondering, from your experiences, how should I perceive this? Is this a clear sign that she is moving on to another guy or could this be a way for her to test if I will react and "fight" for her as I promised I would earlier in the relationship.

Obviously I know I should not care and I should be happy, and in fact, I am not hurt that much, it's more that I am surprised because I see no reason for this. The break-up was polite and we exchanged a few normal conversations about my new job and her things since the break-up.

My gut is telling me she wants to see if I will react. What do you guys think from personal experiences?

Thank you all so much

[Aussie0zborn]

I perceive this as you not having read enough about BPD. All the information is here. The forums go into every aspect of BPD and your question has been answered and discussed multiple times. Read as much as you can until you understand it fully.

I'm more curious  as to why you did not block her and go NC. What she does from here on does not follow a logical process... . it follows the BPD process so you need to understand a bit more abut BPD to save losing sleep over her.

Does it really matter what she's up to and why? Just be glad it ended cordially and you dodged a bullet.  When you're ready, try NC in every way. NC is your friend. Start celebrating.

[barbwire911]

I think it may be both... . she may crave a reaction from you to see if you are still there if she needs you and wants a recycle. But I think she is also adding that guy as she sees him as a "potential bait".  So if you were even to contact her and ask why you were removed that would still be affirmation in her BPD mind that you are there.  I think any attention, positive or negative for a BPD is affirmation they still matter to u.

[tucsonstrom]

Max - when my BPDgf abruptly moved out she immediately changed her profile picture and friended 45 of my buddies she never met.

I believe she was just baiting another trap. 

I chose not to see any more and unfriended her.  Much less aggravation.

Good luck.

[woodsposse]

I was wondering, from your experiences, how should I perceive this?

Okay... . here is the thing - and trust me, I know where you are and it isn't a great place to be... . so please know my sarcasm is meant to show you the folley of your position.

What exactly are you wondering to perceive?  That you "broke up" with someone two moths ago and wonder if she is moving on?

Wait, I think I should ask that again.  You "broke up with" someone... . broke up... . no longer together... . bye-bye... . for two months... . broke up... . and need to perceive what exactly?



Seriously... . what does it matter what she is doing, thinking, who she is seeing, or what... . she's gone... . out of here... . broked up.  So long see ya later.

If she is BPD, yup... . there are tools and testimonials galore to help you deal with what is going on ... . WITH YOU.  Because we are here for you (just as all of ya'll are here for me... . and don't you forget it!)  You need to heal.

As already said - try No Contact.  NC is your buddy... . NC is your pal.

Now go... . be free  (well, at least chaos free).

[LettingGo14]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  My uBPDxgf abandoned the relationship 5 months ago, and blocked me on FB, and then unblocked me, and then blocked me again.  I tortured myself with it.  And, I reacted each time, until... .

I found this community, and decided to detach.

No Contact (and no reaction) is what I needed.   I blocked her as well from FB, e-mail, phone, everything -- for me.  I need space to get out of the FOG.   It's a process, not a switch I can flip.

[Aussie0zborn]

 It's a process, not a switch I can flip.

And that's where we have the disadvantage. A little off topic, but my wife would answer the phone in the middle of a rage and flip a switch that put her in happy land.  The caller would never have know she was in the middle of a violent rage and once the call was over, the rage would continue as if there was no interruption.  I used to ask her where that switch is.  Little did I know this was a red flag at the time.

[blissful_camper]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  While it's normal to wonder what she's doing and why, it leads one down the path of pain and frustration, ultimately delaying your healing.  The healthiest way to move forward is to redirect your focus to yourself. 

[nownotsure]

She broke up with me 2 months ago because she wanted to deal with her issues and "find her self".

I found it interesting that your girlfriend needed to leave the relationship in order to "find herself." Did she ever elaborate on her reasons why?

Why I ask, is that an enmeshed relationship is often a by-product of the person with BPD attempting to deal with their fear of abandonment along with an unstable sense of self. Of course the end result of all this, is that one, or both, partners begins to feel trapped within the relationship and sees no recourse other than to leave it in order to "find oneself" again.

What I'm getting at, is I'm a bit surprised at her insight into this. So it kind of begs the question of whether she's needed to "find herself" in past relationships as well. If so, you may have dogged a huge bullet my friend.

[max101]

Thank you all for your replies I know that for my own sanity I should not care, after all she broke up with me so I guess it does not matter what she is up to. In any case I am sure you were all in similar positions and trying to understand the partners steps/moves however unhealthy this may be.

When I say "find her self", I don't think she was able to decide this her self. She started going to a therapist like 6 months ago and I think the break-up was a strong influence from her parents who finally figured out that she had serious issues and wanted her to deal with them.

So yes, you are all right, I am saved and should proceed with no contact. I am just astonished at the

complex and bizarre levels of this horrible disease they have and will soon stop questioning all this as I start working again and having a normal and balanced life.

The best thing that came from all of this is my "ref-flag-alaram" , I went on a date and texted for a while with a girl and noticed ton's of stuff that gave me little chills, wished her a great life and ran, you never know, I don't have another 3.5 years to waste

I am getting better but it is a daily fight... .