Re: R/S advice, BPD style (continued)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Thanks guys.  There's a prologue... .

So I get the text "I'm outside".  I almost didn't respond and probably shouldn't have because my emotions where running high and I was in a "F" it mood.

She stood outside and it was cold and chilly.  She's crying and there was a lot of "you didn't expect this would be the outcome?" and other things that I'm too tired to recall and lots of her saying "you're right, I'm sorry". Since it was cold I asked her to come in and she did and we went upstairs to my bedroom.  I was still quite defensive however.  She sat on the end of the bed crying and I said "you aren't 'stuck' in the situation.  You did exactly what you wanted to do.  You didn't have to obligate yourself to go nor was a gun put to head forcing you to go.  You did it because you wanted to be with him".  And I said, "you know, I *almost* could of had a better day today if you would of told me last night that hey, there's this family event with (him) and I've committed to go and I can't back out this late".  I'd of *almost* been ok with that.  "You're right".  (Again).  

So I don't recall how it ended but it was amicable.  She walked out of my room and slowly out the front door; as if she was waiting for me to come out of my room to say "wait... ".  I didn't... . at that point.  I did however after about 10 minutes but she had left already.

So I'm getting ready for bed with lots of grumbling... . see if you guys can relate here "what a messed up chick... . geeezuz!".  I started to block her number at this point but was just too tired and frustrated to download the app and mess with it.

I'm asleep... . or just dozing off when I hear pebbles/rocks hitting my window.  Oh yes she did.  I get up and open the blinds and look down to see her shivering in my backyard.  "What are you doing?" I asked.  She then proceeds to sing... . "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.  You make me happy, when skies are gray.  You'll never know dear, how much I love you.  Please don't take my sunshine away".  She's completely lost it but now I have too.  I smile and ask her to meet me at the front door.

She comes in, we chat... . there's lots of "I'm so sorry"  and "you don't deserve to be hurt like this".  I ask her to stay.  It's after midnight and she's groggy.  She's had her "sleep" medicine already.  She's hesitant but she puts on one of my t-shirts and comes to bed.

I held her all night long; or well, as best that I could.  I had forgotten how she "rides a bicycle" in her sleep.  That poor tormented girl.  She was mumbling something from her work; "scheduling... . I'll get the schedule ready".  She can't shut her mind down long enough to just rest.  

That was the first time that I've held her (or anybody) for a full night since we had last slept together almost two years ago.

She awoke this morning and I caught a glimpse of her checking her phone. Looking to see if he had messaged during the night no doubt.  He probably had as she quickly started to dress.  The sadness came back over me as I could sense it.  She leaned over and held me as I laid on my stomach.  I said "I don't want to lose you.  I'm losing you, aren't I?".  No reply.  I continued "you go find your happiness.  I hope that he understands you some day like I understand you.  I hope that he becomes the man that you want".  She left.  

I got up and instinctively picked up my guitar and strummed out a quick song.  She then came back in to my room and rushed over to hug me.  "I don't know when or how, but I'll be back and if you're gone... . I'll understand".  She kissed me several times about the cheek and neck and then she left.  

The sadness rushes in... .

[In_n_Out]

Thanks guys.  There's a prologue... .

So I get the text "I'm outside".  I almost didn't respond and probably shouldn't have because my emotions where running high and I was in a "F" it mood.

She stood outside and it was cold and chilly.  She's crying and there was a lot of "you didn't expect this would be the outcome?" and other things that I'm too tired to recall and lots of her saying "you're right, I'm sorry". Since it was cold I asked her to come in and she did and we went upstairs to my bedroom.  I was still quite defensive however.  She sat on the end of the bed crying and I said "you aren't 'stuck' in the situation.  You did exactly what you wanted to do.  You didn't have to obligate yourself to go nor was a gun put to head forcing you to go.  You did it because you wanted to be with him".  And I said, "you know, I *almost* could of had a better day today if you would of told me last night that hey, there's this family event with (him) and I've committed to go and I can't back out this late".  I'd of *almost* been ok with that.  "You're right".  (Again).  

So I don't recall how it ended but it was amicable.  She walked out of my room and slowly out the front door; as if she was waiting for me to come out of my room to say "wait... ".  I didn't... . at that point.  I did however after about 10 minutes but she had left already.

So I'm getting ready for bed with lots of grumbling... . see if you guys can relate here "what a messed up chick... . geeezuz!".  I started to block her number at this point but was just too tired and frustrated to download the app and mess with it.

I'm asleep... . or just dozing off when I hear pebbles/rocks hitting my window.  Oh yes she did.  I get up and open the blinds and look down to see her shivering in my backyard.  "What are you doing?" I asked.  She then proceeds to sing... . "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.  You make me happy, when skies are gray.  You'll never know dear, how much I love you.  Please don't take my sunshine away".  She's completely lost it but now I have too.  I smile and ask her to meet me at the front door.

She comes in, we chat... . there's lots of "I'm so sorry"  and "you don't deserve to be hurt like this".  I ask her to stay.  It's after midnight and she's groggy.  She's had her "sleep" medicine already.  She's hesitant but she puts on one of my t-shirts and comes to bed.

I held her all night long; or well, as best that I could.  I had forgotten how she "rides a bicycle" in her sleep.  That poor tormented girl.  She was mumbling something from her work; "scheduling... . I'll get the schedule ready".  She can't shut her mind down long enough to just rest.  

That was the first time that I've held her (or anybody) for a full night since we had last slept together almost two years ago.

She awoke this morning and I caught a glimpse of her checking her phone. Looking to see if he had messaged during the night no doubt.  He probably had as she quickly started to dress.  The sadness came back over me as I could sense it.  She leaned over and held me as I laid on my stomach.  I said "I don't want to lose you.  I'm losing you, aren't I?".  No reply.  I continued "you go find your happiness.  I hope that he understands you some day like I understand you.  I hope that he becomes the man that you want".  She left.  

I got up and instinctively picked up my guitar and strummed out a quick song.  She then came back in to my room and rushed over to hug me.  "I don't know when or how, but I'll be back and if you're gone... . I'll understand".  She kissed me several times about the cheek and neck and then she left.  

The sadness rushes in... .

[cosmonaut]

I/O, I think I can understand something of the emotional bind you are stuck in with your ex.  I know that I would take my ex back in a second if she was being as seductive as your ex is being.  I can understand that to my bones.  It's impossible (or nearly so) to resist having someone you deeply love and desperately want to be with dangle their affection in front of you as your ex is doing.  As an outsider, however, I can see how she is playing you.  How she's manipulating you.  And she is really, really good at it.  I think you can see it too, honestly.

She wants this triangulation to continue, despite her claims that she is deeply conflicted.  Paradoxically, she really probably is deeply confused and conflicted; BPD is a paradox from beginning to end.  She NEEDS this triangulation to continue, because she is not able to commit to EITHER of you.  She needs to be able to bounce back and forth between you, because she can't deal with the emotional intimacy of a sustained relationship with either of you.  She literally can't do it.  While we can understand the context of why she is behaving this way, it does not change the fact that she is being completely unfair to both of you.  She is using you.  And she is using him.

I know you want with all your heart for things to work out with her.  I want the same with my ex.  With all my heart.  I would do ANYTHING to achieve that.  I don't know you, but I wish the same for you and your ex too.  I can see so clearly how deeply you care about this woman.  But the grim reality is that we can't change the situation.  We CAN'T.  No matter how much we love them, no matter how patient we are, no matter how much we validate, no matter how understanding we are.  We just can't.  Only our exes can fix this.  No one else can ever do it for them.   I don't want to be a cynic, but I don't think there is any chance of things ever working out with your ex unless she seriously commits to therapy to change her thinking and her behavior.  Without that, she is never going to be able to control the maelstrom of emotion she inevitably experiences.  No matter how much you try, you can't protect her from that.  I know this is a very hard truth to accept.  I am struggling to accept it too.  Honestly, I haven't yet.  Not really at all, actually.  But I do know in my head that it is the truth, even if my heart has not yet followed.

This situation isn't making you happy.  You can't survive on the scraps of affection she throws to you every now and then to keep you on her leash.   I know she keeps reeling you back in.  She's going to keep doing that.  She NEEDS you.  She needs to keep you attached to her - but not too attached.  I can't tell you what to do, but I do think you need to seriously consider your happiness and well being.  If you want to continue to have contact with her, and I understand very much why you do, I think you should consider setting some firm boundaries.  That she is not to express romantic interest or attempt to restart things with you until and unless she has ended the triangulation and is sincerely pursuing therapy for her disorder.

I know this is hard to hear.  I feel all these same things inside of me, too.  I'm just trying to tell it to you as it is, because sometimes it's easier to see things as an outsider.

What do you think?

[In_n_Out]

Great feedback Cosmo because I know that you know exactly where I'm at.  And I think that you're right... . she's already texted asking if we can "just be" for the day followed with "you were my best friend and fiance... . and I never gave myself the chance to move on in my heart. I made a mistake, and I'll figure it out.  And I still love you. That's my problem to solve.  Do you love me?".

And of course I've bitten again and am getting ready to head over there.

BUT, I like your idea of boundaries.  I'll keep my distance and just be a friend, as hard as that will be to do.  Actually, I've done that before... . when she's pulled away because she no doubt had just spoken to <him>.  After an hour or so though, she begins with the flirtation and then by the end of the day we're holding hands, hugging and kissing.  Let's see if I can keep it "friends" only and if she'll ask what's wrong.  I can then validate her "concern" and ask if she can validate my feelings too and then I can explain my boundaries (as you've described).

Otherwise, this ain't never gonna stop, is it?

[Pecator]

Hey I/O,

Can't believe how difficult she is making it. Cosmo is pissing me off because he is exactly where we are, yet he has such amazing advice! He is exactly right. Great words for you. Great words for me.

What a double edged sword. I wish mine was so seductive. I wish my ex would tell me she loves me. Then I read what it does to you and I become more grateful. Then on the third edge, I get crazy again wondering, well, since she is so High Functioning, doesn't let it get so crazy, maybe we can learn the skills to make this work! The signs are subtle, but they are there. She is open to me.

Crazy, she is using subtlely to seduce me and keep me hooked.

I broke NC this weekend as well. Wound up at here house for drinks. Very pleasant, normal conversation. Alluring subtlety. During the conversation, I actually could tell that I have really made progress on detachment. By the time I got home, I was looking for ways to keep this window of contact open! Back in? (I will post this later)

I spent a lot of time here last night and found something I think would be beneficial to you. I have seen it before, I am sure you have as well. The S.E.T stuff. There is a great video here and I found more on about.com that was excellent. One thing that the video emphasizes is "Practice" That is really important.

The key is this technique is it requires you to remove all self-motivated thoughts, desires, and needs to focus solely on validating the pwBPD. It is hard. I studied it like preparing for a math final. I made crib notes and paced for hours rehearsed for hours. She didn't answer her phone thank God!

I spent another hour writing a short email. I still had to edit it over and over, taking out all the little things where I put stuff just for her to read, I put stuff trying to show her I am right. All had to go and I had a very sweet VERY supportive note.

It worked cause she hasn't connected since. Sure sign I hit something deep. OH Well

But I would encourage to to look it up, or reread it if you already had. I do see how this would help in our situations.


 

[In_n_Out]

Thanks Pecator.  Yes, S.E.T. has been what has gotten me to this point.  In an odd way, it's worked too well!      

We spent all day together yesterday.  We took pictures, laughed and had a great time.  It was more "friendly" this time except at the end when a lot of the "I love you's" came out.  Still it was hand holding only and kisses on the cheek now. 

So here were some interesting "experiments" that I tried.  At one point she did the phone check thing and he must of sent a text.  I told her to answer him if she wanted, that I'm ok and we'll resume our day when she's ready.  "Oh no, it's my friend <girlfriend>".  So she replied to her um, girlfriend, and I asked her what is it about <my replacement> that she likes the most.  "You don't want to hear that".  No, really.  Don't answer if you don't like but I'm very curious what it is about him that you love.   "Well, he's kind".  (I later thought about "kind"... . kind to the animals?  No.  No doubt kind in his generosity to her).  "He's funny".  Me: Do you laugh with him like how we laugh together?  "Sometimes.  But in a different way".  "He's very attentive" and then a few others.  Nothing about what a handsome man he is or how happy she is with him, etc.  It was a bit hard to hear but I took out my emotion and listened to a BPD talk about a guy that she was involved with romantically and it was interesting. 

The experiments continued.  So later in the day, she's playing songs that she's "dedicating" to me.  Love songs, miss you songs, etc.  We listen for a while and then shut off the music and just talked.  I then put on an old favorite song of my moms, it's a Rolling Stones song "Winter" that is about a "long, cold winter" and hoping for a "long, hot summer".  My ex knows about my mom (deceased) factuation with the Rolling Stones.  So the song is playing and she picks up her phone and says "did I read to you what I had written on facebook?".  I replied that I wasn't sure if it was something she had read to me or not so I turned off the song and she read something that she had to me before.  And read the responses.  I told how beautiful that was and encouraged her to keep on writing... . and that facebook could just go away some day and she would lose those writings so perhaps writing them in a journal to share with close friends would be a better solution.  She agreed.  So we sat in silence for a bit.  I didn't resume my song that I had "dedicated" to her.  Finally she said "you can put your song back on" and I told her that it was ok, it's an old song and know that it isn't her genre of music.  "I am so sorry!  I do want to hear it!  I don't know why I... . please, please continue playing it".  So I finished the song.

Later, after she left and our texting resumed and she had done the three separate texts: "I"... . "LOVE"... . "YOU!" I asked her what is it about me that she loves?

"Because I am the truest version of me when I am with you... . the me I always knew was there, but just got lost in the disappointments and disillusioned fragments of this great big wonderful life."

(I thought about your post about "lots of 'I's' in there" Pecator at this point)

So I replied.  "Yes, but what is it about ME that you love?"

She replied "your fortitude, your courage, your vulnerability, your sense of humor, your intelligence, your faith, your soft side, your tough side, your integrity, your valor, your joy, your sorrow, your love... . "

Anyways... . I'm just posting stuff that I hope may be of help to others at some point.  Very clearly the mindset of the BPD is "ME, ME and ME" (meaning her, her and her) and we all know that but it is really clearly present when pressed.

So as of right now, it's a "take it as it comes" thing.  When I'm with her, things go great the whole day/night long and we have a good time and I really enjoy that.  I either just have to realize that she's going to see <him> as well and deal with it, or just walk away and get none of the fun times together.  I am slowly pulling away though.  I going to keep it LC today as she has other plans.  The toughest thing to think about though is that <he> is getting the intimacy and I'm getting the bulk of her free time.  She really doesn't see this guy much at all.  Two days ago would of been the first time aside from a quick work lunch visit that she'd seen him in over a week. I know that because she is with me every night of the week and all day/night on Saturdays.  The thing that will "kill" me though is this damn cruise that she's going to go on with him.  The previous advice about seeing if she does go (she is) and then breaking it off afterwards is heavy on my mind.  That just may be the final straw (as it should be).  I just don't know right now.  Heavy FOG obviously.

[In_n_Out]

So for the few of you following the saga... .

(and this may be in a book or screenplay some day )

The weekend was more of the same; spent all day and half the evening with her on Saturday and had a wonderful time.  Come Sunday, she has plans with *ahem* her girlfriend who lives down <his> way and it's quite obvious... . she's texting me the first half of the day "oh we're doing this and that and here's a picture that I know that you'd appreciate" because she is with her one friend that she has but then come the afternoon, no texts, no replies so she's with <him>.  So I'm getting a little flustered with this whole situation (no! say it isn't so you say!).  So I figure that I'm going to set some boundaries for myself (about freakin' time the rest of you are saying)... . come April 1st, if we're still on the merry-go-round ride and nothing has changed, then I'm pulling the plug.

Well Monday night, the 31st of March, she comes over after having finished up whatever the heck she was doing with friend(s) down <his> way so that she can make sure that I'm still on good terms.  This is starting to get comical and all too predictable (starting?).  She's over and of course I start to  melt like butter because she knows just what to say and we're laying together on my bed and just talking and holding one another and she leaves.  But in the back of my mind I'm saying "nope, I'm keeping that boundary and I didn't hear the magic words... . "I want to leave him and work out things with you".  So the next day (yesterday) I have a conversation with her and I say "look, you seem really, really confused and anguished over all of this.  You don't seem happy except when we're together and not thinking of any kind of future or anything beyond just the moment.  Let's take that time apart that we once talked about and how about we meet April 25th, 2015 (just over a year from now) at <place that we had our first date>.  It will be the 5 year anniversary of that date and we'll see where things are at. I'm going to continue to work on myself and see if maybe it would be a good idea to get back to therapy and the DBT that we've talked about and work on or out the situation with <him>.". 

I immediately blocked her on facebook and didn't respond to the flood of texts that came in last night "I was with <girlfriend>... . (boyfriend) and I'm headed home.  Are you ok?  Baby?  Where are you?".  I ignored them all and went to sleep.

I awoke this morning and was sad but pulling out my inner strength.  I'm sticking with this says I.  Well that lasted all of a few hours in the morning and I sent her some texts.  Basically saying that "I'm ok, I will be ok" and that I have more respect for myself than to be somebody's favorite #2 when I should very well somebody's one and only #1.  She replied "I love you.  I LOVE YOU.  That's all that I know, I love you.  And that's everything". 

Feeling crappy that I broke NC, I went to the gym tonight and who shows up?  Oh yes, she did.  She's bought me some shirts "on impulse... . I don't know why" and had to give them to me.  I thanked her, hugged her and she left and I went and squatted 550lbs, tweaking the $hit out of my lower back but enjoyed the workout.  But now I've been sucked back in to the FOG and so I text "hey, wrapping up the workout.  Meet me at the coffee shop?".  Yes, in 10 min she replies. 

So, we meet there and she's smiling and giddy ("I've got him now!" she's likely thinking).  We enjoy a sandwich and are talking about our lack of a future and of nothing in particular and she asks if I want to walk around the square.  "Sure, let's go.  I need to work out the stiffness in my legs".  So we get up and walk out of the shop and start to walk and she stops dead in her tracks.  She's staring down the street.  "What is it?  Do you see somebody?  Something?  Is it <him>?".  The truck, I think that might be <his> truck she says.  She's panicking.  She walks towards the truck and then back to her car.  "I'm sorry... . I have to... . I'm so sorry" and I just shake my head and she zips off towards her house. 

Now I'm boiling.  I'm really boiling.  I come home and I'm stewing and I jot out a text "This was the wake up call that I needed.  Once again, I'm reminded that I'm #2 to you.  Had the roles been reversed and you were with him and you saw me, you would of taken him away from me to protect him.  You wouldn't of come chasing after me worried about what I might be thinking".  I was just about to press "SEND" when a knock comes at the door.  It's her.

"I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry."  She's crying. I can't help but comfort her but I'm not letting this one pass.  She goes on "it's you.  It's 'this' (pointing at things around my room that she had given me or that were ours together).  I just want to come 'home'.  This is so bad of me to say but <his> house, <his> parents house, I'm not comfortable in them at all.  Your place, even though it was never our place, this is more home to me.  The times that we are together... . you've changed, things have changed... . I'm so happy with you."  Yup, all the right things... . said in desperation because she's never quite gone out *that* far to *almost* say that she wants to get back together.  So we sit on the bed and I'm holding her, wiping her tears and I say what was in the text that I was about to send (but toned down... . leaving out the "wake up call" part). 

We talked for an hour and she started treading backwards.  So predictable, I started to get close and she pulls away and now it's "I don't know what I want.".  I pull away again "see, I'm hurting you".  I'm protecting myself I said.  So she draws closer "I talked to him yesterday about the cruise.  I told him that I never had time to process the break up with you.  That I didn't take time to heal.  And he said "but you've been single for 43 years" and I said 'no'... . he doesn't understand.  It's always been one guy after the other.  So I told him that I wasn't comfortable going on this cruise and he said 'then don't go.  If you won't be happy, it's ok, I'll move on.  Don't go'.  He's willing to do that for me.  I was going to swim with the dolphins.".

So I said, "Go.  Go take the cruise. But it's going to tear me away because you will be with him 24/7, sharing quarters, time and intimacy".  She says "no, there's 3 cabins, him, his parents and his sisters.  I can stay with her.  This morning he sent a text and said 'this is what you've always wanted to do.  Just go and enjoy your time, it doesn't have to be you and me'.".  Of course she knows that this is somewhat what I want to hear but I'm not believing it for a minute. 

So we kiss, hug and she has me try on the shirts and she's switching between laughing and then she starts crying again (thinking of <him> and so we say goodnight and she leaves.

Textbook BPD.  I push away, she pulls closer.  I pull closer and she pushes away (a bit).  Back and forth, <him> vs me, black and white.  I told her to just tell me what else is going on, better that I know and hurt instead of guessing, and possibly guessing wrong all the while still hurting.  "I don't want the confrontation.  <Him>, my job, his mother, his father, his sister."  I asked her to tell me what she wants me to do; I'll 'sacrifice' myself for her happiness.  "Will you be happier with him?  Will you be happy trying to fall in love with him?  I'll go and you can do that."  She says "no, you're too much of a part of me.  I just can't let go either". 

So back to where we were 2 days ago.  I'm her favorite #1 until <he> wants some time and then I become her favorite #2.  I am working on that boundary though. I am going to keep pulling away.  The texting frequency has dropped dramatically.  I didn't plan on seeing her tonight and I'm going to see if I can finish the week without seeing her.  I don't know what the dates are for this cruise; it's this month some time and that's all that I know.  Of course she thinks that she's given me the "out" that she needs... . she can (and will) go but will tell me that she stayed in his sisters cabin and that they "hardly saw one another" or some crap like that.  I want to pull out before the cruise because I will literally get eaten up alive inside thinking of what she's doing all day and all night and I can't... . won't go through that.  We'll see if I can be strong enough to enforce my own boundary. 

[In_n_Out]

And P.S.  No, it wasn't him on the square tonight obviously.  And I told her, had it been him, she would be with him right now instead of me trying to salvage and explain that away to him.  I don't think that she repsonded to that... . because she knows that's true and she knows that I know.

[In_n_Out]

A quick (hopefully) note:

After an exchange of texts this morning where I suggested that because of the turmoil that she is must be feeling bouncing between him and me, that NOW is probably the time to start applying some of the decision making skills that her and I have talked about.  She said that she would.  She then asked if a bedframe that I had offered her was still available and if I was still willing to buy the parts and work on her car as we had talked about.  I replied that I do still have the bed frame but that I feel a BIG part of the problem is that I'm being an enabler and that she has a boyfriend and so it should be *him* that is stepping up to offer to help her with her car, fix things around her house, fix her bed (that they sleep in no doubt) etc.  I concluded the text with "But we can talk about that".

She replied: "No need to talk about it, I understand"

Followed later with: "Now I feel foolish for buying you the shirts"

And just now the text: "I love you with every breath"

Her poor little brain is just ping-ponging back and forth; him to me, push me away-pull me in closer.  You just can't help but feeling sorry for these BPD's, but we know that is exactly what gets you sucked in to the FOG.

[maxsterling]

Wow.  I give you major props for being able to work on yourself through this mess (the going to the gym).   I feel like I am fighting for that kind of self-care right now.  But then again, I live with my pwBPD, and right now she is completely dependent on me. 

And a mess it is.  I agree this "empathy" (or pity, maybe) is what keeps us in this FOG.  I know I sense it.  I sense that she is "soo close" to just "getting it".  It's like a jigsaw puzzle that has 5 pieces left, and it's so obvious where they all go.  At least it's obvious to me - but to the pwBPD, apparently not?  I guess for them there are emotions in control rather than logic or the present moment. 

And I am sure you can scratch your head until it bleeds.  She says she will love you forever, that you make her happy, that she loves spending time with you - yet she is with him?  Makes no sense.  It's like when my girlfriend told me about an ex that she loved and wanted to marry.  He apparently was unsure, so she decided to start online dating to force him to make a move.  Huh?  That's so counterproductive!  Guess what move he made... . HE MOVED ON.

She needs to answer this for herself: If she doesn't love him yet loves you, then why is she with him? the reality is probably that she doesn't know what she wants, she doesn't know who she is, she only knows that she has something somewhat stable/secure with him, yet has more fun with you. 

So very sad that is the way her mind works. 

[In_n_Out]

Man, Max, that jigsaw puzzle analogy is *spot on*.  I feel exactly the same.  She's come a long ways and is so dang close and it's so dang obvious to me the logical choice but she can't pull the trigger and make it happen.

So we had that talk last night (why him?) and she says:

"I do love him, but I'm not in love with him.  I feel so much pressure from his mom (her co-worker), his dad, his sister.  I worry about troubles at work.  I've had this job for almost a year and you know the troubles that I have keeping jobs.  I don't love this job but I'm proud that I've dealt with it for this long.  I can't do the confrontation.  Somebody is going to get hurt by all of this and it's all of my fault... . I'm so sorry".

So do I believe that she goes to see him (again, it's quite infrequently because she spends a *lot* of time with me and he lives 40 minutes from her) because she 'doesn't want to rock the boat... . not yet' or because she wants the best of both worlds in having both him and me.  Everything BPD would suggest that she wants all of this attention but Max, I tell you, I see the agony on her face.  She keeps saying "I'm struggling with this every day.  I'm just so exhausted!".  So I tell her that for her health, she just needs to apply the lessons that we've talked about with decision making and she needs to figure out a game plan and then execute it.  I mean hell, people have to do that kind of thing every day.  I can't imagine being BPD with emotions screwing with your logical thinking and the inability to just make some simple decisions (not to mention the more complex ones like this one). 

So yeah, I'm still working the puzzle.  I figure out where 2 of the last 5 pieces go and then the cat knocks a corner of the puzzle off the table and I have to rebuild that part of it.  Craziness.

[maxsterling]

My guess is that at some time in her past, she would have loved the triangulation.  And now at her age, she is starting to realize that gets her nowhere, but can't seem to figure out how to stop.  That tells me there is something deeply flawed in the process.  Most of us would be able to evaluate ourselves:  "I need to do this to get what I want," and then alter our lifestyle or our choices, or just give up on getting what we want because it is unrealistic.  Back to my puzzle analogy, it's like she sees the puzzle is incomplete.  She sees there are various pieces missing.  She knows the remaining pieces go into the holes somehow but maybe doesn't know how or why.  But, there is something that keeps her from seeing the bigger picture and that the 5 pieces fit into the 5 holes and how they fit, and that makes the completed puzzle.  It's like she doesn't know what a completed puzzle looks like, and that is why she doesn't understand what to do.  So instead she is like a child, picking up a piece, looking at it, placing it in the wrong hole, picking it up again, placing it back in the same wrong hole, and on and on.

Extrapolate that to the current situation.  She doesn't know what a healthy r/s or true love looks like.  She knows she has certain emotions.  She knows she wants stability and a house and possibly a child.  But the process by which one obtains that is lost to her.  She doesn't realize that her emotions, true love (of herself and others), a job, a healthy relationship (with herself, too), are all the pieces that she needs to fit into place to make the end goal happen.  And I think a big problem is that she can't truly see what the end goal is supposed to look or feel like.

I know my GF was like this - in her teens and twenties, she saw no reason to not sleep around, cheat, have casual relationships.  It got her the attention she wanted and solved her short term emotional distress.  Now in her late 30s, she doesn't have what she wants, and in probably the last few years has slowly realized that her behavior may be why she hasn't gotten what she wants - stability, happiness, a child, marriage.  Yet she continues with the same behavior, and now it is just extremely sad because she knows it isn't working, but seems to understand and want to change, but it continues.

[In_n_Out]

Well I enforced a boundary tonight (finally) and that *may* be all that she wrote.

Some texting during the day.  More of the usual stuff.  I only respond when she sends a text and I stopped texting by mid-morning.  Come afternoon I get a "Thank you" text.  "For what?" I reply.  "For you.  For being this and that and this and that and it is real love and you love me for who I am".  So I tell her that I'm headed to the gym.  "Please let me know when you get there".  Meaning she will be there.

So I arrive and she's there, looking as beautiful as ever.  But I'm just not feeling it.  I really didn't want to see her and I just didn't feel like doing the validation game thang (rhyme).  But, she says that she has a present for me and has me close my eyes and put out my hands (her typical routine for this kind of stuff) and so I do so and she hands me a placard for my favorite baseball team since baseball season just started.  I thank her, hug her and ask if we can sit in her car and chat.  We do so and she asks about my day; or I tell her about my day rather.  She doesn't want to talk much about hers.  She says that she's worried about money because she only has $50 until payday.  Stops me before I could even part my lips "I know (looking at the placard), it was nothing though and it's because I love you".  She presses about the money but I'm not budging.  No more bailing her out.  I do offer a compromise though that would involve her actually doing some work for the money.  My neighbor is moving out and he has some furniture that he doesn't want to mess with and said that I could just have it.  I was planning on selling it on Craig's List for a few bucks.  I told her that if she wanted to come over and photograph the furniture and do the Craigs List listing and then meet anybody that wants to come see it, she can have the money that she makes from it.  She looks surprised... . "but you'll probably only get $75 tops for all of it".  "Yeah, but that's $75 that you don't have right now and it's easy money".  So she agrees.  She fully expected that I'd just pull out some cash and hand it to her.

So I asked if she wanted to go change and come do the treadmill or something while I workout.  This girl does not *do* gyms.  Never has.  I LIVE in a gym.  Total mismatch.  That's why I stopped working out... . babysitting her... . and got so dang fat.  She declines of course.  While working out, I send a text thanking her again, and say that I really hope that she will take care of herself and go for a walk.  She had mentioned earlier that she had been drinking wine every night.  After some time (talking to <him> no doubt... . I can always tell), she replies that she thought she'd mow the yard and go for a walk.  I tell her that I'm sorry to be a worry wart, that I always have been, but really, it's not my job any more so I shouldn't even mention it.  That passes with no comment.

I then remember that I had filled up the gas can for her mower but had forgotten to give it to her.  So silly me cuts my workout short and I race over there.  I'm already kicking myself on the drive over but I'm FOGged in and already committed.  I arrive and she's sweating her butt off having mowed the front but not the back.  I ask her why she's sweating so much.  "I'm mad.  I'm mad at myself and feeling sorry for myself and was working it out with the mower."  Her eyes light up though when she saw me and she hugs me and then kisses me.  It caught me off guard because I would of given her the cheek like she gives me half the time.  So I do miss mowing the yard (I'm in a townhome now) so I ask if I can mow the backyard.  "Yes!" she says.  So I'm mowing the backyard and halfway through all that I can think about is her racing back to this house chasing after <him> (though it turned out not to be him) the night before.  I'm starting to panic.  I feel a panic attack coming on.  I hurriedly finish the yard and I put the mower away and I say "I have to go.  I shouldn't of come here."  She looks panicked.  "What?  What did I do?".  I say "nothing, I just shouldn't be here.  Then I look her in the eyes and I said 'I'm going to be somebody's #1 some day.  Somebody's one and only".  With that I get in my car and drive off, leaving her standing beside my car wondering What the heck?.

I sent a text "I saw the way that you chased after him towards your house last night and that's all that I could think of.  That's all that I can think of at your house now.  It's been tainted.  He get to be your boyfriend and enjoys all the benefits of such and I get to mow your lawn.  I just need to hurt and then heal.  I deserve to be cherished and loved: completely.  Nothing is your fault (a bit of validation here out of habit).  It's just time to move on.  You'll never make a change as long as we both are hanging around... . you get the best of both worlds.  I love you.  Be good to yourself.  Please".

She hasn't responded and I'm going to go ahead and block the number and start working on healing.  I fully expected her to race over here but I think she knows that I've just had it.  I'm sure that she's drinking and feeling pitiful and I semi feel bad about it but I also know that she knows that I'm right and I think that she's just going to let it go this time.

And as if on cue, a text from her just came across.  I won't quote it as it's long but it's mostly a blame shift; how she sits alone like she did so many nights after *I* pushed her away and how could she be sure that it wouldn't wind up like that again if we got back together and how she tried to love this other guy but can't and isn't comfortable when she is referred to as "his girlfriend" and then more blame for my role in her leaving and going to him in the first place (BPD in action here folks!). 

I won't reply and it is time to block and move on.  I hope.  I pray.  Just need to move on and heal.  This merry-go-round has stopped and I just need to get off the damn thing once and for all.

[Take2]

WOW In-N-Out... . you are amazingly patient... .  practically on par with me!  haha.  I have to figure out where your initial pages to this post are so I can read the beginning of the story but from what I've read here I totally relate to where you are.  Or wait, I relate it to where I was a month ago.  My ex had started dating someone.  Someone he didn't tell me about, even when I asked multiple times if he was talking to someone new.  I didn't find out until he'd been dating her for 3 weeks - and they'd already said I love you.  What the heck?

Anyway - I flipped out the way I learned of this info (a coworker) and that he's lied so much to me.  After his predictable fireworks of rage about how it's all my fault, somehow?  he begins to convince me that it's really me, not her.  Except for the fact that every single weekend is her.  And any night she wants is hers.  As if he has zero say in the matter.  And that he will just take her to the insanely expensive steak place for dinner with flowers on Valentines Day but he said I could come over and spend the night after he drops her off.

I was supposed to be grateful for that invitation.  That still eats me up inside.

Addiction.  Addiction to this man, addiction to the drama I think?  I don't know - I cannot stand the rages but yet when he has shut me out (currently) it's the most brutal pain I can imagine.  

It's tough stuff breaking away from this.  The hardest thing I've ever gone through... .

Reading your story is very interesting andn I hope you keep us tuned into the story!

[Take2]

You posted that as I was typing... .   good for you... . that took serous strength... .   I know it because after an embarrassingly long month of begging for him to realize I did not flirt with the current coworker he is accusing me of flirting with - I emailed my ex a little while ago and said basically that I understand why he needs to move on (none of it makes any sense, he's blamed a world of ___ on me that I didn't do) and that I want him happy and wish him well".  It's not really the truth.  I don't understand it.  But I understand that nothing I say will make him understand reality. 

What will you do when she does come running back?

[In_n_Out]

Thanks for dropping by Take2 and welcome to this saga... .    

So we had several text exchanges last night.  Mine said some things that I've brought up briefly before but I really needed to air out.  It was in response to her "you said mean and hurtful things".  My reply was about the hurt that I too felt by her actions; being kicked out of our bedroom.  Kicked out of the home that we shared.  Kicked out of her life when she ran in to the arms of another immediately as if though we had never existed.  I told her that I know that some things that I said out of my own hurt was a protective reflex and that some things said hurt her. I asked for 'grace' for those things. I then pointed out that the sad part is, that the same thing will happen (has already begun to happen) with <him>.  He will lose his patience and he will say things that perhaps he later regrets and she will once again feel the need to "run away" and probably right to yet another guy and the pattern will repeat over and over.  That I dare say that I feel that I was the best shot at having the relationship that she so desires... . that I *finally* have learned about her, what makes her happy, how to communicate, how to regulate, how to love her for who she is.  I also pointed out that while I may of said some mean things, I never cursed at her, never called her vile names, never threw, hit, broke anything.  In fact, I can only think of one or two instances where I even raised my voice.  I'm a big guy... . bodybuilding all of my life.  I know that I'm intimidating in stature.  I was also a cop for a number of years, I know how to de-esculate a situation and the way to do so is by remaining calm myself.  That is instictive to me.  For a pwBPD though, they read that as me being uncaring and invalidating of their emotions and that would spark more confrontation.  I get all of that now and I let her know.  She knows that part, we've talked about it.  Her defense mechanism to justify her leaving was to bring up "you said mean and hurtful things".  I know.

So this morning she sent a single email with a link to a song.  I know that she spent the night drinking wine, crying and searching for and listening to youtube songs that she can relate to.  Hers was  "I've gotta figure this out" by Erin mccarley (www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qrmoxrlbvo).

Also in my inbox was an email from my stepmom.  This is another side story and I'll just touch on it briefly but while dating my ex (the lead female role in this story ), my stepmom helped us out a lot in financially difficult times.  My dad has alzheimers and we would go over and do chores around the house... . something that any son would do for his ill father, but my stepmom would pay us generously for the work.  Well two years ago, I had a falling out with my stepmom.  I'm a big part of that fall out and the stubborn me has just stayed away.  My ex has mentioned that she would love to see us work things out; that family is very important to her and one of the reasons that we split is because I have no family (my family is very small).  My replacement has a family that she has fallen in good graces with and we all know how a pwBPD pulls towards a happy family life... . because they didn't have that themselves.  So long story short, my stepmom sent over an olive branch of an email saying that my brother and his family would be in town and she would like for us all to have lunch at my dads rest home.  She said that she would very much like it if I brought my ex with me.

I've forwarded that email to her (ex) and I've let her know that I too would very much like her to join me... . though she already has plans with <him>.  That this is a time of bringing back together and mending broken bonds and that *this* could be that final chance to get on the right path and mend all of this that has happened over the past couple of years.  That I could really use her to lean on for strength.  That my family accepts her as one of us and that it would mean so very much if she would attend with me.  I won't get her response for a few hours since she was apparently up very late self-wallowing but you know that I'll let you all know what the outcome of this was/is.  Send any prayers or well wishes if you will... .

[In_n_Out]

Her first texts of the day:

"I'll see what I can do for Saturday... . "

"Headed to my first counseling appt with (provider) at 11:00"

"Always"

I'm sitting in my car crying tears of joy.  She had talked about getting counseling and said that she actually had something set up for late April/early May.  She had also said after I talked about moving on with the episode the other night that she "has got to see if she can get that appointment moved up" so apparently she did.

Saturday with my family would mean so much to me and my family so I'm praying that she will accept and join us.  It is/was short notice and she does have *something* planned with <him> so I'm not holding my breath but please GOD, if I can't help this woman to understand I know that you can... . I pray please to let her see the path and choices that are *best for her*, whatever those may be and to please give her the strength to move in that direction!

It's a battle fought and possibly won in this difficult war but it's enough to have me sobbing tears of joy... .

[maxsterling]

Its always great to hear that a pwBPD is seeking counseling!  I'm very happy to hear that.  I can't guarantee she will get better, but I know she can't if she doesn't find a good counselor.

A word of caution, though.  Right now she may be going to counseling to try and win you back or make you happy.  I deal with the same - I don't want to fall into a trap where I wonder if she is doing things just for me.   I was just talking to my T yesterday, and I said that I was happy that she id doing all this stuff for herself, but then I realized that even though she is seeking therapy, medication, and a job, she's STILL not working on herself!  She's actually just looking for things to "fix" her - no different than when she was smoking weed every day or shooting heroin, or "dating" random men (or women).  She wants the doctor or the therapist to take her pain away.  And she wants me to take her pain away.  If she was truly working on herself, she would do the things the T suggests - going for walks, going to AA meetings, eating better, etc. 

Right now, it's just good your ex is seeing a counselor.  That's all that matters.  But before you really start to see a change, look for work that she is actually doing herself, on herself - hobbies, interests, quality friendships, lifestyle changes.     

[In_n_Out]

Thanks again Max and yes, I'm keeping some distance right now.  I hadn't heard from her so I sent a quick text and she replied.  Said that the therapist is "aware" of BPD and from what she can tell, my ex isn't BPD.  I won't read anything more in to that but... .  

So she said that she needs to take a step back and take some time away from everyone today that she is feeling very overwhelmed.  That she's going to take her camera out and take pictures (her passion) and to know that she does love me... . "I do" she says. 

Is she really with <him>?  Did she even go to a therapist suddenly (the appointment wasn't supposedly until later in the month). Or was she rediagnosed BPD and is freaking out about it?  Who knows. You know how our mind wonders what the hell their mind is wondering.  So, I'm just going to give her the space and see if she reaches out to me tonight.  I'm hopeful for tomorrow but not holding my breath.  And absolutely agree with you; I'm so very happy for her if she did go to therapy but it's a Ronald Reagan "trust but verify" thing right now for me (meaning lets see how much work she puts in to it). 

[In_n_Out]

Well for the umpteenth time, had the final farewell goodbye last night. 

I was getting ready for the gym and set on just giving her space today.  She didn't text much and asked for that space.  I sensed that perhaps she had seen <him> (incorrectly as I'll mention in a moment) but just as I'm ready to leave for the gym, I get a text.  She's at a very nearby goodwill that her and I shop at a lot (that is where she buys all of her clothes, housewares, etc).  I'm a bit dodgy but she finally says "Come GW with me!".  Sucked in.  Ok.

So I meet up with her and she's shaken.  Says the T session was pretty intense and that its been an emotional day.  We wrap up at GW and she wants to go for a drive.  It's pretty out and she wants to take more pictures.

We wind up driving out to the country where we lived as our 2nd residence together (we moved together in to three different residences in 3.5 years).  This triggered us both because it was here that we were the happiest.  We took pictures and talked about the good times.  Cried a little and held hands.  On the drive here I brought up whether or not she thought she might go see my family the next day.  "I'll see what I can do, it is <girlfriend of hers> birthday and it's an all day thing with a sleep over".  I pressed and asked if I could just get a couple of hours around lunch but she would only go with "I'll see what I can do".

So while out in the country, we talked to some old neighbors and one in particular is an older gentleman that is just as country as it gets.  Fiesty but full of "country wisdom".  We hadn't been out here nor seen him for 2 years.  We sat and talked and spoke about his depression and how he had laid out some pills one night and set up a bottle of Crown and was preparing himself to just go.  He was listening to music and randomly surfing the web when he came across a page that allows people to release stress, anxiety and depression by having their short stories submitted and then reviewed and published on the website.  He was very excited to tell us about his stories and how he's been praised for his writing ability.  How he had always been a failure in life but this had given him new life.  He had quit drinking and was really a changed man from when we saw him last.  My ex was moved by all of this of course, as she likes to write and I know how she bonds with people and takes on their emotions as a substitute for her own. 

We left and held hands driving back.  I brought up the meeting with my parents and now she says that she wishes that she could go, but will be there in thought and spirit.  I'm really down about it at this point and then I realized that <He> is friends with <girlfriend> so sure, she and him are going for the birthday and then the sleepover is who knows where and with whom.  The night before a text said "<He> isn't the one for me" but as we know, it's the actions and not the words.

I drop her off at her car at Goodwill and I keep the goodbye short.  It is an implied "I'm leaving for a good while now" type of thing.  She's crying and says "keep on doing what you're doing for yourself.  I'm so proud.  God has moved in your direction and helped you make all of these (re)connections".  I tell her that I'm proud of her for taking that first step by seeing a T and she shakes her head and tears fall.  Shame was quite evident.  I asked if she had seen <him> today and she quickly replied "no!".  Doesn't matter.

I drive home saying once again "that's it, done!".  Then the text again "I'm outside!".  Round and round we go.  So she comes in but I'm depleted.  We have that final farewell.  I show complete exhaustion when I ask her if it's <him> again and that's why she was distant today and she replies not in the affirmative but yes, <He> is pulling her one way and I'm pulling her the other and she's confused.  "Still?  Really?"  For the love of... .  

This will just go on and on and it is eating me up from the inside.  I can't sleep.  I'm missing workouts.  My work is affected because all that I think about is her and the situation and every time my phone beeps at me I freak out and cut off people's conversations with me to see if it is her and then instantly reply.  No more, I just can't and I knew it right there.  I told her that if she can't make this decision then I will help make it for her and I'm taking myself out of the picture.  We can meet in a year and see where its at.  I brought up what I had text the night before that it saddens me to know that <he> will say things out of frustration and she will begin to pull away from him and then cut and run as soon as she's found yet another guy to run to.  "No more lecturing".  Truth hurts.  She's sobbing as I'm sitting, slumped down in my chair.  Just plain defeated.  She goes to kiss me that last goodbye and I give her my cheek.  She pulls back and for one of the few times she's mad.  I see it in her face.  Her lips are pursed and her fists are clenched.  She envisioned this long lasting goodbye farewell kiss and I snubbed her.  I should of left it at that but I gave her what she wanted and kissed her back fully.

She said "this isn't goodbye, I'll see you again soon, ok?".  I replied I'm afraid not so soon.  I need to heal.  You need to have the clutter removed so that you can make a decision.  She cried and left. 

I've blocked her number and unblocked it a half dozen times now.  It's currently unblocked because a small sliver of me holds on to the hope that I'll get a text that says "I'm coming with you to see your family".  That won't happen but hope just won't fully leave me quite yet.  I'll let the time with my family pass and then I'll struggle with blocking her number but pray that I can do it.  I just have not other answers.  Stay in this back and forth for what, ever?  Or just move on already.  Take the pain (as sarge says in "Platoon" and move on.

Raise your hands... . how many say "she'll be back and you'll be sucked right back in to the back and forth"?  Crap, I might raise my hand with you.  I just don't know right now.  I am very exhausted by it all though and it's been coming to a head this past week.  Dunno.

[Take2]

Uuuuuuuugh In-N-Out... .    your situation is so similar to mine, less the intense rage... .   and probably most of here... .    kills me to read about her responses to you.  "We'll see"  I f'ing hate that response.  A friend or partner is fully capable to giving a response... .   I can't tell you how many times I've received that response... .   and I also can't tell you how many times I have allowed myself to be recycled too... .   it's helpful and painful to read your story.  You are a very good writer by the way.  You're so patient with her - she has no idea how lucky she is with you.  I want to tell you get her out of your life, that there are 12 million other girls that won't treat you this way!   But of course... . I fully understand getting sucked back in.   Time and time again.  Each time being treated worse than the last, because each time I got back, shows him exactly how much crap I will take from him... .     I'm currently being given the final silent treatment... .   I think.  Of course we have spoken each day this week - we work together - and by spoken I mostly mean email.  A couple times in the past week we said the i loves you, we even slept together twice in the past week!  which to me would mean I love you, I care, I want to be together.  But I was promptly back to being blacker than black and completely shut out within 24 hours of that... .    it's so brutal.  Be strong ok?  I'm pulling for you... .

[cosmonaut]

You've take some major steps, I/O.  You are in a very difficult situation, and I think anyone would feel as conflicted as you are.  I certainly would.  Your ex is very good at keeping you close, but not too close.  It's very positive that you are standing up for yourself and insisting that you not be toyed with.  Still, I can appreciate how you must be feeling in knowing that you are hurting your ex and that she isn't taking it well.  Also the dream of being with her is hard to let go of - I really feel that too.  Perhaps things can work out in a year as you said.  If it is meant to be, it will be.

Don't be hard on yourself.  I think you are being strong in putting your foot down.  I don't think she has the ability to end the triangulation, and you are the one that has had to assume the burden.  That's very hard to do, so go easy on yourself.  It's a process to detach.  These situations with pwBPD can be very traumatic.  This is not a "normal" relationship by any means.  It is an inherently disordered relationship, because she is so disordered.  The fact that she is participating in therapy is very positive, however - difficult as it must be for her.  You rightly point out that actions are what matter in the end, though, and the therapy has to be acted upon.  Showing up and going through the motions won't change anything.  Let's hope and pray she is serious and committed enough to change.  

Keep taking good care of yourself.  Going to the gym and maintaining your health is very positive.  I've also been working out like crazy lately, and it's helped to direct a lot of my overflowing emotional energy into something positive.  It's much better than ruminating about my ex.   Focus on your career, your family, your friends, your hobbies.  Things do get easier the longer you are out.  I am already starting to feel less of the panic and pain (still there, but lessening).  Hang in there, man.  You're doing really well!  

[In_n_Out]

  it's helpful and painful to read your story.  You are a very good writer by the way.  You're so patient with her - she has no idea how lucky she is with you.  I want to tell you get her out of your life, that there are 12 million other girls that won't treat you this way!   Be strong ok?  I'm pulling for you... .

Thanks Take2, this brought a happy tear to my face and I needed that comfort.  You're right, I'm a good looking guy that has his stuff somewhat together () so I really shouldn't be worried about finding a partner for the 2nd half of my life but as we can all attest to, the pwBPD wears down our self-esteem, our confidence, our energy, or desire to interact with others and I would imagine, given the time, perhaps our own will to even exist any longer.  I *will* bounce back; I've taken some HUGE steps already the past couple of months actually - and some day that right person will come along for me. 

But thank YOU so much for this.  Just what I needed to hear today.   

[In_n_Out]

You've take some major steps, I/O.  ... .

Don't be hard on yourself.  I think you are being strong in putting your foot down.  ... .

Keep taking good care of yourself.  Going to the gym and maintaining your health is very positive.  I've also been working out like crazy lately, and it's helped to direct a lot of my overflowing emotional energy into something positive.  It's much better than ruminating about my ex.   Focus on your career, your family, your friends, your hobbies.  Things do get easier the longer you are out.  I am already starting to feel less of the panic and pain (still there, but lessening).  Hang in there, man.  You're doing really well!  

And thank you Cosmo.  Yeah, I don't know what or how I would of survived this without this message board and the gym/working out.  Both have been HUGE in keeping my sanity up to this point.  And I'm not mistaken but it's going to get rough for the next... . 3, 6, 12, 24 months?  I will miss her.  I will reach out to her.  I may recycle with her.  Who knows what will happen but I do know that a big piece of my heart died with her yesterday and I need to sever that part of my heart and just let it go and then regenerate a whole heart again.

I'll be honest.  She sent a text (nope, couldn't block her yet) saying "I'm with you" while I was visiting my family.  My only response was a group picture that didn't include me and then a picture of me with my ailing dad.  She responded "I'm crying.  I'm so happy for you.  I've wanted this for you for so long (obligatory "I Love you's" included of course)".  I finally responded "I'm going to go now.  Go be a happy couple at your friends birthday.  I will see you next April perhaps". 

Bah... . off to the gym for the 2nd workout of the day.  Transference of pain from heart to body.  Love it. 

[Take2]

as we can all attest to, the pwBPD wears down our self-esteem, our confidence, our energy, or desire to interact with others and I would imagine, given the time, perhaps our own will to even exist any longer. 

I wish I couldn't understand this at all... .   I wish so badly I was totally clueless to this thought that there have been multiple times in the past year that my will to exist was pretty minimal.  ME.  A previously strong, confident, intelligent, popular woman... .   tons of friends, never hurting for male attention... .   I'm going thru massive withdrawal from my ex painting me black as night and then shutting me out completely... .   it's never been this bad before in the 4.5 years that we have been on and off... .   and I know I have said this 12,000 before, but this truly feels like it's over this time... .    I would have to be INSANE to ever go back to him after how horribly verbally and emotionally/psychologically abusive he has been... .    And I think that is the key here... .   that now and for some time, it has been me... .    me holding on to an abusive r/s with a very cruel man... .    I too will bounce back... .   it just takes longer with every recycle... .    so it does truly give me strength to read how strong you are being.  I use these boards, a wonderful friend I met here and the gym to build my own strength - physically and mentally... . some days are better than others... .

:'(

[In_n_Out]

Hugs to you Take2... .

There's been days in the past where I would just break down crying during the middle of the day and would have to go home from work because I was just too much of an emotional wreck.  Other days, I feel great.  I'm good right now.  It may be a placebo effect, but a couple of weeks ago I began taking melatonin because I was not sleeping at all.  I would wake up frequently during the night, often dreaming of <her> or I couldn't shut my mind off from trying to solve the <her> puzzle and I was just exhausted every morning.  Well, the melatonin not only helps you to sleep but it also regulates your moods and again, maybe it's a placebo effect but whatever it is, my mood has actually been really good through all of this recent mess. 

Melatonin used to give people the weird dreams but this one formula that I got from "Natural Advanced Sleep" doesn't give me dreams that I can remember at all because I am zonked out.  The one down side is if I don't get at least 8 hours, I am groggy in the morning.  But I'll trade a good 6 or 7 hours sleep plus a regulated mood for a bit of early morning grogginess any day. Try it and see if it helps you, I'd be curious to know. 

[In_n_Out]

Welp, got myself painted black again it would appear.

She was at her girlfriends and sent a text of them together in a "selfie".  I was on my way to meet my family for dinner.  I asked my ex to tell her friend (whom I've met) "Happy birthday" after she untaints my name (she had told her *all of the mean and nasty things that I ever said to her*).  She replied "your name isn't tainted".  I responded "sure it is, you told all of your friends and family that I said the most vile, vicious things ever uttered to you.  But that doesn't matter now!  I'm off for a dinner date.  I'll talk to you later, k? "  I was half-assed joking/half serious.  No reply.  No reply all night, no reply all day.

I tried to resist the urge but I sent a "Baby?" text to her this afternoon.  No reply.

So just like that, and without a doubt after a nice romantic evening with my replacement, all of the "I love you's", etc are erased and I'm blocked and painted black.  Ha!

Honestly, I know inside I wanted to get painted black again because I just didn't have the strength to block and move on.  I forced her hand and now she's making me have to do that.  Good for her, good for me.

So I believe that will close this chapter (?) of my life.  Sadness, sorrow, fear, obligation and guilt along with a heavy dose of heartache will hit from time to time and for quite some time.  But I will heal.  And I will have moved on.  There just really is no such thing as a "normal" or r/s with these poor people.  And so why settle for anything that is, at best, "semi-normal"?  Right?  Chin up peeps, I have me, you have you and those pwBPD have themselves and their issues to deal with.  Let them be would be my advice. 

[Take2]

 

Here's to that... .

I don't rule out that you add more chapters to this story though... .

[patientandclear]

In N Out -- what is it that you want?  My impression reading these threads was that you wanted her to stop seeing the new guy & reunite with you.

Do you see that telling her you are going on a "dinner date" is a guaranteed ride on the roller coaster?   Was there some context which was supposed to allow her to infer this was not a real date?

Sorry if I'm reaching wrong conclusions from incomplete info., but this sounds like you doing to her exactly what she does to you. Seeing others (or sounding like you are anyway), but then turning around with "baby?"

I can definitely understand a desire to give her a taste of her own medicine -- my ex left me & started seeing someone else, and I can think back on a couple times when out of hurt, I implied maybe I was with someone else -- but I think you have to understand that's not likely to be a constructive response to her various fears of closeness that are already a huge impediment for the two of you.

[maxsterling]

Amazing how one little thing and you go from the love of her life to the devil.  But, I'm thinking along the same lines as patientandclear.  It sounds like you (understandably) just had enough with her triangulation game and tried to force a conclusion to the situation, and the result is probably what you expected if you look at is deeply.  I certainly can understand that.  I think there have been a few times where I have done or said something passive aggressively because I wanted to make a point or an example and I knew the result would be bad.  But it was at those points where I felt so much tension that I wanted something to snap, and didn't care what she thought of me.  (And, I wound up getting punched in the chest and accused of choking her.)

As you said, on some level you wanted to get painted black, just to have an end to this pattern.

[In_n_Out]

Just a little update that is about a week's worth of drama consolidated in to this one post.

I was feeling stronger about keeping it LC and just letting her slip away.  She wasn't texting as much and it felt like it was finally going by the wayside.  Yeah, I know... .  

Then two days ago, the strength was zapped from my body for no apparent reason.  Chemicals in the brain, withdrawals, whatever it was I started to miss her maybe my estrogen levels are elevated from too much test booster but I was a bawling baby again.  I reached out to her and told her that I was suddenly feeling very down.  She said that she thought by the way that I was texting that I was moving on.  Yes, I definitely had been strongly hinting at that. So she comes over after work on Thursday and lays in my bed and pats the bed as in "come lay with me".  I did and she held me while I wept like a baby.  I'm a big, sensitive guy and it really came out.  We went around in the same circles about how she's "stuck" in her present situation and if only she could turn back the clock and have me as I am now (I "fixed" myself as opposed to how I "used" to be apparently) but that she has fears that things will go back to how they were (probably would, but maybe not so much as I've since learned of her BPD and how to somewhat cope with it).  She reassured me that everything would be ok and gave her now frequent saying of "some how, some way, some where, some day" as if though she'll be back.  What I later learned was that she went and had an evening with my replacement.  So within a couple of hours time, she went from telling me how much she loves me, always will, etc to saying the same to him, no doubt.  We all know this is BPD at its core. 

I was pretty worked up about it having been so emotional earlier that I couldn't just sleep on it.  I sent some texts; they weren't mean but I brought up the traits of BPD that she's very much displaying and that of course was hurtful to her.  She replied the next day and said that she didn't go through them because she could tell that the tone wasn't a pleasing one.

So that day my son awoke with a red rash on his face and so I asked him to visit the school nurse.  He did and she feared that it may be shingles.  I've had shingles and I was freaking out thinking of the pain that the poor kid may be going through.  I contacted the doctor and made an appointment right away.  I contacted my ex as well and she asked if she could come along.  I intially said yes but then the incident from the night before weighed on me and I told her to not worry about it, not to worry about us as we are not her concern any longer, but that I would let her know what the doc said. 

So off to the doctors office we went and sure enough, my ex showed up.  I anticipated it actually.  I just *know* when she's going to show up; at my gym, at the park where I jog, and this time.  She showed concern for my son (who does not care for her at all at this point because he's seen the hurt that she's caused) and she would look over at me and give me the "I'm going to kill you face" (because of the texts) and then smile and look at me in a loving manner.  It's crap like that which just sucks someone back in.

Left the doctors and I bought her lunch and thanked her for coming, letting her know how much I appreciated that and my son did as well (lied), though he doesn't show it.

Cue in to today's events (Saturday).  I have been talking to someone and met for a first date earlier in the week.  She's a pretty girl but not my usual type.  She's shorter than what I'd usually date and a little heavy but that's being shallow.  She's actually very pretty.  Has a great job (RN), nice car, house and a 16yr old daughter from her marriage.  We had a fun time on the first date and I asked her out for today.  A day date.  So we went in to the city which is 40 minutes from here.  My ex's replacement lives in the city so this is a trek that she's been making quite often.  We're having a good time, walking around and we hear some live music.  We start to walk towards it.  My ex texts and says "it's a beautiful day, I hope that you're out enjoying it.  Around the world" (meaning "I love you, around the world and back).  I replied that I was in the city and that it is a nice day.  That sparked me and I started to think of her.  I'm in the bathroom and I text "I'd rather be here with you".  No reply.  Oh, so we're walking to the live music and she asks what I'm doing there and I told her "at the art show".  She replied that she was at some crawfish festival.  She then sent a text saying "be sure to wait at least 2 weeks before you tell her that you love her "  That was something that goes back to when we first dated and she said "please don't tell me that you love me the first week (as some other guys apparently had).  I joked (at the time) "oh not me, I'll wait at least 2 weeks".  So that was the reference.

Sorry, this is longer than I anticipated... . so we get to the live music and enter the event (I'm with my date).  We're having an ok time.  I'm still thinking of my ex though.  So as we're walking around, I notice that everyone is eating crawfish.  I begin to panic and so I asked a staff member what this was; "crawfish festival".  Oh $hit!  I sneak a text to my ex "we're here at the crawfish event too".  No reply.  I'm frantically, but sneakily looking to see if I can spot my ex and her replacement (whom I've never seen).  I want to see them but then again, I really don't.  I'm afraid of what will happen if I do.  I never did spot her.  After some time, I suggested to my date that we move on to something else and she agreed.  I snuck yet another text to my ex "leaving the crawfish event, you lovebirds have a good time".  No reply.

Came home and sent a couple of more texts to my ex.  I explained that I had not planned on going to that event that we had just stumbled upon it and that I did not see her.  No reply.  Haven't had a reply.  She did apparently post pics from the crawfish event on her facebook after I let her know that I was there but I can't see what she posts (defriended).  My guess is that it freaked her out that I was in "her turf" where she felt safe going down to play romper room with my replacement.  I'm wondering if this has me painted black now or if I will hear from her in the morning.  I have mentioned to her before when she would say things like "you'll meet a nice girl at the gym who you have more things in common with and I'll be sad but also happen for you"... . I would say "I think that you want me to find somebody so that you can finally write me off once and for all and she would reply that I was being silly.

By the way, I picked up the 2nd part of the date with my new lady friend and we just concluded a nice night out at a local bar.  She's a sweet girl and has a very bubbly personality which is something that is very appealing to me right now.  Still miss the ex like crazy of course though and my mind wonders what she's thinking and what her intentions are.  Will I hear from her tomorrow or on Monday or ever again?  Will the saga continue or are we done?  We shall see and I will let you all know.