Struggling to co-parent. NC seems to be the ONLY way

[mywifecrazy]

Thank GOD I have primary custody because trying to co-parent with my uBPDxw is IMPOSSIBLE.

How to you co-parent with someone who is an irrational child herself? The constant lies to me and her children. The selfishness (shacking up with our neighbor in plain sight of our sons), not being actively involved with kids activities (school, sports), not taking kids to see her family (she's painted her family black), etc.

I struggle because I keep EXPECTING her to act like a RATIONAL person. I guess I'm still in the FOG and need to let this go. It seams like things are the best when I go NC with her (emails about kids only). This is hard because it's an odd situation for my sons (9&14). I know they would like it better if their parents could at least talk but for me it's not a reality because of all the horrible lies she has said about me and the fact that she INSISTS on having a r/s with my ex friend and neighbor across the street. She had a 2 yr affair with him right under our (me and my sons) noses. My sons don't like the man and don't want to have anything to do with him. She could CARE LESS about how UNHEALTHY this is for our sons.

My way of dealing with it is to just shut her out of my life as much as possible.  I have primary physical custody so I don't need her for anything. She doesn't help me out at all (financially or emotionally). All I would like from her is to not make things harder by putting my kids in such an awkward situation that is hurtful and unhealthy for them. It's gotten so bad that I actually had to appeal to my old friend and neighbor that stabbed me in the back by having an affair with her. I had to ask him to consider my kids feelings because their mother doesn't.  That sad thing is that he seemed more sympathetic to my kids than their own mother.

I know a lot of responses are going to be JUST MOVE. I am not counting out that as an option but that would hurt me financially and I want to avoid that because I'm the only chance my sons have at attending college because their Mom can't even take care of herself.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

[motherof1yearold]

You have to abandon the idea of co parenting. With BPD'ers, it is going to be more like 'parallel parenting'. No contact or limited contact is in everyones best interest.

[mywifecrazy]

You have to abandon the idea of co parenting. With BPD'ers, it is going to be more like 'parallel parenting'. No contact or limited contact is in everyones best interest.

Your ABSOLUTELY spot on as I know nerves and anxiety is lessened when in NC. My struggle is keeping up NC with an ADULT CHILD that insists on being right across the street from me and my sons. Makes it very difficult!

And the SAD part is that it's my kids who are hurt the most by these actions!

[Nope]

Hmmm. I think it might be a good idea to try to think about this in a way that gives you more peace.

1. If the kids need her for anything (yeah, right) then she is at least right across the street. At least she certainly won't be able to turn around and claim that you kept the kids from having a relationship with her. Which is something that a BPD mom is likely to say once the guilt and shame of their own behavior kicks in and she has to find a way to make it all someone else's fault.

2. Keep in mind that as you heal you can stop worrying about what she is doing and then you are likely going to find yourself ready to date again. How you deal with what she is doing now should be a reflection of the way you would want her to deal with your personal life down the road. It is especially important because you are going to be modeling proper adult behavior for your kids to see.

3. All she is doing is embarrassing herself over there. Let's face it, shacking up with the neighbor isn't classy. There is no way to spin it that makes it look classy either. No matter what kind of bad guy she paints you to be. I can see why this would be embarrassing for the kids. The only thing you can do is listen to them, validate their feelings, and stay as neutral as possible.

Good luck!

[DreamGirl]

I struggle because I keep EXPECTING her to act like a RATIONAL person. I guess I'm still in the FOG and need to let this go. It seams like things are the best when I go NC with her (emails about kids only). This is hard because it's an odd situation for my sons (9&14). I know they would like it better if their parents could at least talk but for me it's not a reality because of all the horrible lies she has said about me and the fact that she INSISTS on having a r/s with my ex friend and neighbor across the street. She had a 2 yr affair with him right under our (me and my sons) noses. My sons don't like the man and don't want to have anything to do with him. She could CARE LESS about how UNHEALTHY this is for our sons.

My way of dealing with it is to just shut her out of my life as much as possible.  I have primary physical custody so I don't need her for anything. She doesn't help me out at all (financially or emotionally). All I would like from her is to not make things harder by putting my kids in such an awkward situation that is hurtful and unhealthy for them. It's gotten so bad that I actually had to appeal to my old friend and neighbor that stabbed me in the back by having an affair with her. I had to ask him to consider my kids feelings because their mother doesn't.  That sad thing is that he seemed more sympathetic to my kids than their own mother.

This seems to be the main concern - that she's not taking into consideration how they feel? How do they feel?

How do you feel about it? I know I'd really, really struggle with my kids having a relationship with my husband's affair partner. I also know my kids feel pretty loyal to me and might feel pretty conflicted in this. Especially if it used to be a friend who that did like at one time.

I personally didn't speak to my own father for an extended period based on my knowledge of an affair. It's a regret that I'm now coming to grips with now that he's passed away. My mom forgave him, why couldn't I?

It's so messy this relationship stuff when it comes to parents... . who would have thought that they are these imperfect humans doing dumb stuff? That we can be these imperfect parents struggling with our own insecurities?

I wonder how much your kids would be able to let go that their mom cheated on their dad... . if their dad was able to let it go? If there was no loyalty bind?