Sticking with decision

[FigureIt]

I have been with my uBPDbf for 3 1/2 years and we have lived together in our own home for 2yrs.  But this isn't what I want my life to be.  The past couple months have been tough with a final straw this past week.  I am continuously being accused of having tendencies to be unfaithful, that I'm untrusting.  I only go places with my daughter or family and when I do he gets upset.  I made the decision this week to end the relationship and leave in 3 months, but I need to get to the end of the 3 months.

Right now his rage has settled and he is in that wonderful loving stage.  Except for he does nothing to help around the house or with my child.  And even though "he has decided" he wants to be with me, he still went out drinking 2 nights this weekend. One night for 6hrs. the next for 10hrs., both times came home very intoxicated.  This isn't what I expect my life to ever be like.  And I don't want to keep "going out drinking"!

How do I stay strong?  Why do I feel guilty?  Why do I feel bad?

[blissful_camper]

Sounds to me like you want a healthy adult relationship.  Nothing wrong with that.  If someone can't bring to the table what you want in a relationship, don't feel guilty about making plans to extricate yourself. 

[GreenMango]

  How do I stay strong? 

I'm not sure it all rides on being strong as much as being resolved.  Sometimes taking those small steps in the plan help to solidify the decision.  Leave a little each day.

Do you feel resolved about leaving? 

  How do I stay strong?  Why do I feel guilty?  Why do I feel bad?

   

FOG (fear obligation guilt) are things many of us wrestled with on this path.  I think its a little different for each person... . what do you feel guilt over?

[Surrender]

Dear FigureIt, I know where you are coming from and am grateful that I did not go live with my partner. Mine sounds very much like yours and after spending 6 months while he was living with me I realized that my life would be a living hell with him. The brief moments of bliss were simply used to keep me in his grips whether he realized it or not. I spent my days being terrified of coming home for fear of what lay ahead. I never knew what I was going to be a victim of at any given moment but for the most part the only thing I could depend on was anything but him.

He never really did much to contribute, never cooked dinner, did the dishes, hardly contributed in the functional ways that partners are meant to and couldn't maintain a job ever for longer than a few short months. He was riddled with excuses and justifications as to why he didn't do anything to help. Typically every single day was a roller coaster ride through the gamut of his moodiness and emotional dysregularities. He was never stable it seemed for longer than a few hours and even then that seemed miraculous because the second he saw or didn't see something then the fury, interrogations, policing, accusations and punitive treatment came on in a fury. I knew the instant he 'changed' that the entire evening or day was ruined. There were so many ruined days I can't count them. He used to wonder why I never invited any of my friends over for dinners the way I used to. I never told him but I was scared of the predictable unpredictability considering how he would cause dramas out of nothing and ruin everything often. He didn't do this often in pubic with his family but I think that is because often his father took that role and so my partner seemed to be better behaved. Otherwise he would cause something whether with people or after the fact with me because of something I did wrong. It was simply better to avoid any potential complications even where there were none there because he was the master at procuring something out of nothing.

Typically I would come home after a long 12 hour shift to find him having done nothing with the exception of his OCD fixation with vacuuming and cleaning the toilet but the one thing I could rely on was him telling me that he didn't feel well, had a head ache and was feeling emotionally siphoned and that was why he didn't or hadn't done anything. Every day was the same and there was no end in sight to it that much I began to realize.

I knew that there would be the same excuses every day of my life and that the majority of all the responsibility including earning the money would lie on me and that I would be his care taker just like his mommy is. I knew that he could never ever be my adult partner and support and that I would never be able to rely on him for hardly anything and even so I would be blamed for not loving him enough and not taking good enough care of him. An endless hell.

I know it hurts now losing him but what have I lost I ask myself? In time you and I will be feeling great and what is even better will be that we will never allow this to happen to us again. It hurts right now but we can't change them and we can't mend how broken they are. It is not about us and if anything we landed inside their trap but that in the end means nothing believe me. We are only their favorite victims for the moment whereby we are their feeding supply to eradicate their deep emptiness.

There isn't enough love in the world to cure the rage that lives inside my exBPD partner. I need to walk away, lick my wounds and go on with my REAL life and so do you.

[FigureIt]

  How do I stay strong? 

I'm not sure it all rides on being strong as much as being resolved.  Sometimes taking those small steps in the plan help to solidify the decision.  Leave a little each day.

Do you feel resolved about leaving? 

  How do I stay strong?  Why do I feel guilty?  Why do I feel bad?

   

FOG (fear obligation guilt) are things many of us wrestled with on this path.  I think its a little different for each person... . what do you feel guilt over?

Each day I feel resolved about leaving.  I care about him, but I don't think I am "in love" with him anymore.  I always feel guarded.  Whenever I have let my guard down it has come back to bite me.

I think I feel guilty for him "loving me" although I don't think he truly does. He claims (in his current rage less loving stage) that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him & the love of his life.  Yet, even yesterday he tells me "you can't understand if you've never gone through it." Not sure what "it" is, but referring to me.  Also, he said "he doesn't always explain things the best." In which I responded "okay" and continued to listen, but he became irritated with me because I didn't say more.  What more was I to say?

I am exhausted of the accusations. For example... . if I wear "too lacy" of underwear then I'm gonna cheat! Plus on just the basic side of household duties, groceries, laundry, cleaning, dinner, cleanup, feeding dogs, cleanup of dogs, I am responsible for everything and when I have asked for help he responds with "his job is more stressful & longer hours and helping would just benefit me" Isn't that the point? To help benefit me?

I definitely feel FOG... . I am doing little each day to "get my ducks in a row... . "  Just still makes me anxious, I think once I make the move it is not going to end well.

[Surrender]

I definitely feel FOG... . I am doing little each day to "get my ducks in a row... . "  Just still makes me anxious, I think once I make the move it is not going to end well.

Yes I found that as each day came and went I was more and more exhausted and less inclined to get my ducks in a row. I found myself wanting to not care either and being resentful of his selfish attitude which when presented he made sure to correct me as though I was the one that was wrong. There is no way to win here and when you say that you think that it might not end well I suppose that putting that in your mind and expecting the worse might be a sort of deference and preparation.

Everything that causes them to feel one of their countless million insecurities will always be projected on us because inside their hearts they know that they make it impossible for anyone to be with them. That is why he accuses you of thinking of cheating because you are wearing nice panties. That was why mine accused me of already cheating on him when I made a simple comment that I always wanted to go to the Caribbean, suddenly it was because I wanted to sleep with black men and he nearly broke up with me over that. In fact he raged days later over that comment and tried to make me feel like not only couldn't I be trusted but that I was a scheming, lying, unfaithful whore just waiting for the right moment to betray him. He made it to be that I was damaged goods as well through his convoluted distorted thinking.

You and I look at that all and think that is utterly insane because well, it is! But that is how life is for them and we will always be guilty because in their eyes it's only a matter of time before they catch us in a lie and confirm their worst fears. That is what life is like with them and no matter how bad the ending might be it will be worth it. Many books tell us to not take anything personally, to validate them and just minimize our own reaction to what they are doing and saying. So with that in mind maybe just practice that and make sure that you have a 'safe' escape just in case. Might help to have some friends there helping you with the move too.

I know the part of us that loves them will be mega maimed for a while because it is a loss no matter how painful it was loving them but there are brighter days for us. I know I am thankful because honestly I feel like he was killing me and my health was starting to suffer. Someone on here described being with them as being starved while being fed only crumbs. That was brilliantly said.

[FigureIt]

Totally confused today!

Yesterday my uBPDbf came home early and in a "good mood", so I'm waiting for the shoe to drop and the blame, etc. etc.

I ask if everything is okay and I'm told everything is good.  He has changed his thinking and that "it's okay we are different... . "  "He just wants to be happy... . "  "he wants me to be happy... . "  "maybe we'll make it maybe not, but wants to be happy... . "  I asked why all of the sudden this epiphany?  Why this flip?  Who did you talk to? 

I am SOO confused!

[Surrender]

Totally confused today!

Yesterday my uBPDbf came home early and in a "good mood", so I'm waiting for the shoe to drop and the blame, etc. etc.

I ask if everything is okay and I'm told everything is good.  He has changed his thinking and that "it's okay we are different... . "  "He just wants to be happy... . "  "he wants me to be happy... . "  "maybe we'll make it maybe not, but wants to be happy... . "  I asked why all of the sudden this epiphany?  Why this flip?  Who did you talk to?  

I am SOO confused!

I loved those days when everything seemed 'normal' and actually good. I held onto them like there was no tomorrow only to be utterly shocked back into reality with a sudden shift in his mood. It always happened instantly and without warning breaking my heart all over again and reminding me that in actuality that was what was normal and not the momentary, positive insight that would come over him and allow us to have a heavenly moment.

There was one thing I could always depend on with him and that was his shifting moods, emotional dysregularity, negativity, paranoid doubts questioning the things I did, didn't do, said, didn't say, the smile I gave to the cashier, too tight a top I wore, the way I moved my body in public, my silence, my attitude, what I did or didn't do for him. There was always something and regardless of how much insight overcame him once in a while and he seemed normal he could never maintain it for long.

I got to the point where I was afraid to relax during those moments with him because I knew he would turn in a second. For today FigureIt take what you can get but always protect your heart from what soon will come down.

I was trying to figure out what my ex taught me and discovered that he has taught me the most of anyone in my life but I feel robbed that I couldn't Love the one and only man/boy that I loved the most in all my life. It is like a cruel joke and often I wish I never met him.

It still makes me cry when I read what he wrote in his goodbye letter after breaking up with me where he talks about what we learn from each other.

"They say that you should leave a person better than when you found them. That is Love. I am not sure how I fared in that department for you through everything that I caused you to suffer. I do know that I hold everything you are as dear to me in all that you taught me along the way and exposed me to. It is you that illuminated me to my illness and led me to understand what eluded me my whole life. It is going to be a long road for me to even try be a better man in greater realizations thanks to you, and even to be a semblance of a true mature man at all in all the things that have overcome me for most of my life with my illness. You made me a better man that much I know. I am sorry for all the hell I ever put you through, I really am".

Hard not to love him despite all the hell he put me through. Yet, I still find it hard to believe he could turn away from such a Love as ours? It baffles me and I can't help but feel in utter disbelief that he truly wants to risk losing me forever?

This is me ruminating in denial again knowing full well that no matter how much I love him he would destroy me just as he was doing for 3 years. That doesn't mean I don't Love him with all my heart because I do but I have to love me more and give myself a real life with real stable Love. In essence he taught me the beauty of renewal and hope. He taught me how to regenerate my life with new dreams and prospects. He taught me how to Love myself most of all and that is priceless.

I wish you and I and all of us here what our hearts desire even if we don't know what that is yet. 

Take what ever good moments you can get my friend, they are precious.

[FigureIt]

Thank you surrender 

Yesterday, after work when he got home, a bit earlier again, I delved a bit deeper and what I got from him was... . Our relationship isn't in a good place, but he is going to focus on making himself happy and "hopefully" I will come along.  If not then "oh well... . I can leave" (with my 8yr. old child) doesn't matter how much it will affect her.

But I've pulled away and him hugging me one day should cause me to change and go back to the way things were.

[FigureIt]

It is just infuriating to me and I think that is what is the unlying truth is that he would cause the child to uproot her life. :'( 

He has the ability to leave/move but won't, because it is not what he wants.  The belongings in the house are all mine, I am the one who takes care of the home, decorates, etc.  Yet, if (when) this relationship is final and "I'm not happy, I can leave!"