The waiting is the hardest part

[Depression = 72% of members]

Havent seen her for a month... . almost of month of NC.  Not a word, Ive stayed strong... . but I still cant stop thinking about her. Its like Im waiting for her to contact me, but after being split black 4 other times... . no more then a couple of weeks... . I know this is the permanent split. Shes replaced me. The financial help I was giving her... . the emotional help... . friendship... . sex. Its like I never existed. Last time I contacted her she ripped me to shreds... . crazy.

Ive been reduced to therapy... . which I think is helping... Ive dated, and have had sex with another pretty woman. But I cant get through the day without feeling the excruciating longing to contact. I dont know how Im able not to... .   I know shes a lying, cheating, toxic, manipulating, crazy b**tch. But I feel empty and bored... . my shrink said everyone and anyone is going to be boring until my mind settles. She really had/has a hold on me.

Sometimes I go for a few hours where the FOG lifts... . but then shes back in my head... . like a splinter in my mind. 

Thank god shes not contacting me I guess, because I dont think I have the stones to resist that body... .   and Im disgusted with myself for being so damn weak. What happened to me? 

[Split black]

Havent seen her for a month... . almost of month of NC.  Not a word, Ive stayed strong... . but I still cant stop thinking about her. Its like Im waiting for her to contact me, but after being split black 4 other times... . no more then a couple of weeks... . I know this is the permanent split. Shes replaced me. The financial help I was giving her... . the emotional help... . friendship... . sex. Its like I never existed. Last time I contacted her she ripped me to shreds... . crazy.

Ive been reduced to therapy... . which I think is helping... Ive dated, and have had sex with another pretty woman. But I cant get through the day without feeling the excruciating longing to contact. I dont know how Im able not to... .   I know shes a lying, cheating, toxic, manipulating, crazy b**tch. But I feel empty and bored... . my shrink said everyone and anyone is going to be boring until my mind settles. She really had/has a hold on me.

Sometimes I go for a few hours where the FOG lifts... . but then shes back in my head... . like a splinter in my mind. 

Thank god shes not contacting me I guess, because I dont think I have the stones to resist that body... .   and Im disgusted with myself for being so damn weak. What happened to me? 

[growing_wings]

the wait is a long and painful process... . oh yes... .

try to remove your focus from her, and point it to yourself... . i know is hard, but do not live her live, reclaim your power and live yours!.

not easy,

waht worked for me:

thinking about how much i missed her for 15 min every now and then, but then i stopped myself from thinking about her every minute of every day!

stay strong, it will pass... it WILL get better.

i am 3.5 months NC and i am feeling stronger. I still miss her every now and then, but i am working so hard on myself that she has little space in my life.

[Surrender]

You are not alone. I know that it is the best thing for me to never hear from him again but I wait... . and secretly hope. There are not many men that appeal to me and it is near impossible for me to want to be with any man but my ex I loved full force like nothing before. Felt that he was my soul mate and my One and only True. He was to my soul family, best friend, lover, companion and fellow truth seeker... . I am haunted by the thought that there was only ever him in a world of men that I will never relate to or truly be intimate with.

It makes me feel sick to my stomach and tears my soul to pieces. I am confronted by the thought that I will never again bond as closely spiritually, sexually, emotionally, mentally and intellectually as I did with my ex BPD bf.

I pray to God that isn't true because I do not want to feel like life is over but then again that is only because I am at the beginning in grieving his loss. So I say this with you in mind as well... . we are better off without them and one day we will know this to be true.

Feel the agony because there is no way around that but also recognize that they are not good for us. My ex was slowly destroying me to the point where I have PTSD no matter how much I love him. Nothing is worth that... . no love is worth that. Love does not equal pain. I know for my ex it killed him to hurt me and yet he couldn't help it. It literally tore him up inside as he watched the destruction he wrought against me yet helpless he could not resist the hand that directed his rages and abuses. After the fact he would lay in the ruin of it wasted emotionally in regret.

It didn't make any difference because he couldn't help himself during the next moment of his emotional dysregulation. I was his beautiful victim and something dark inside him like it no matter how much he hated it and felt the shame and regret.

[Ritchie53]

he wait is a long and painful process... . oh yes... .

try to remove your focus from her, and point it to yourself... . i know is hard, but do not live her live, reclaim your power and live yours!.

not easy,

waht worked for me:

thinking about how much i missed her for 15 min every now and then, but then i stopped myself from thinking about her every minute of every day!

stay strong, it will pass... it WILL get better.

i am 3.5 months NC and i am feeling stronger. I still miss her every now and then, but i am working so hard on myself that she has little space in my life.

Right, firstly I second everything that growing wings has written. It does get better and will get better. You are just 1 month out, thats 30 days. Keep No Contact, that is an absolute crucial part of it. If you attempt a reconnect you will be emotionally slaughtered, DO NOT CONTACT. I am 6.5 months out - still count the days and am on day 188 no contact. Do not wait, if yours is the reconnect type, it will typically be around 18 to 24 months before reconnecting if she has new supply already. If she does have new supply it is effectively game over for the time being, you are black,scum, the devil himself and you are leveraged as the catalyst for all her problems and failures in life. This will pass off but if you pop back into her life, expect much much worse than you have now.

Tip for you: youve done really well with the 1 month so far, start counting the days, 50 being your next target, then 60, 80 etc, etc, but also have a look for little things to improve, whether that sports, hobbies, selling things on ebay, looking forward to a new car or holiday etc, anything, random things. This starts filling head space and also creates new experiences and new memories. 18 months is a long time in the BPD world - 1 month isnt. I know and inderstand it is ridiculously difficult, and your closure has to come from within, NC is your stepping stone to closure.

[growing_wings]

If she does have new supply it is effectively game over for the time being, you are black,scum, the devil himself and you are leveraged as the catalyst for all her problems and failures in life. This will pass off but if you pop back into her life, expect much much worse than you have now.

Thanks Ritchie53...

i couldnt agree more with Ritchie53 on above... if you are painted black, you ARE not showing off in her radar for any other purpose than pure evil, you will most likely be blamed for everything that has gone wrong.

I know the pwBPD in my life blamed me for 10000 things that i have nothing to do with. (I heard from people)... i am the worst scum, the worst friend, the worst anything she came across in her life... . (she will never see i was the only one who endured her, supported her no matter what, etc.etc)... she deleted all my photos, spent time to delete all and every single comment she did in my FB (just 2 days after i went NC)... .

i am glad i did not contact in the past when i was dying to... i would have gotten so much crap, much more of what i got through her abusive texts.

stay strong follow ritchie53's advice... .

[Ritchie53]

I know the pwBPD in my life blamed me for 10000 things that i have nothing to do with. (I heard from people)... i am the worst scum, the worst friend, the worst anything she came across in her life... . (she will never see i was the only one who endured her, supported her no matter what, etc.etc)... she deleted all my photos, spent time to delete all and every single comment she did in my FB (just 2 days after i went NC)... .

Absolutely identical to mine.

Here is a prime example and one of many in the D&:) stage:-

They will blame you for everything. One example is mine had a 'legacy' tax avoidance bill that she just kept sweeping under the carpet - I knew very little about it until my devaluation stage. She owed around £15k but was to be charged 100% fine on top coming to £30k. I helped prepare letter after letter to the tax office even saying that I lent her money years ago, before i knew her, going through my bank records and indicating withdrawals that I lent to her ? - I know - foolish stuff. She claimed her ex had caused the majority of the debt - he was still painted black. When my discard happened and she went back to the ex, it was me that had caused her all the grief with the tax office, me who got her into debt and 'used' her for money etc, ? - everyone thought I was the scrounger and money spender - complete lunancy, while the ex became the white knight, her soul mate and rock who not 2 months previously was the reason for all her woes - now it was me.

Unbeknown to her though, at the time I was selling a property where I lived several years ago and rented out for a long time. As it happens I made £100k profit just 4 weeks after our break up. Had I still been involved I would have cleared her debt using that money - some luck was on my side with that one.

It is an absolute clear indication of the painting black/painting white scenario and showed that you transistion from white to black, black to white, white to black ad nauseum. Once black everything, and that is everything bad will be your fault. Thats why the time factor is so important. Conversely once you are white again you are the soul mate, until, of course, you cause a trigger.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Split Black,

I am sorry that you are feeling so empty, and craving contact with your ex.  These are typical feelings during the withdrawal phase.  It's similar to getting off heroin, the relationship loss  affects the opiate system in the brain, and you naturally want a "fix" to take away the symptoms.

As growing_wings said, this will pass.  I remember walking around like a zombie for a while, interested in nothing, not even in being alive.  Today, things are so much better, it's like night and day. 

Stay strong and do healthy things for yourself.  Be careful with other relationships, they are usually temporary "fixes," too, and can get complicated.  Do you exercise and get enough rest?  Any hobbies?  Focus on you and keep going to T. 

[Ritchie53]

Be careful with other relationships, they are usually temporary "fixes,"

This is an excellent statement and very underrated.

In the first 6 months you will run through urges to be in relationships, have sex etc, etc, etc. Get dating as soon as possible, but work on your boundaries that have been decimated by the BPD, fill up your time with goals and aspirations and start taking steps towards them. Dating will be difficult and each date, you will have difficulty finding your 'emotional balance' but it will come.

One important point overlooked and extremely overlooked, is that the BPD moves on in an instant, they find their new soulmate, their rock and true love and it leaves you emotionally annihilated. However... . as time goes by the emotional labyrinth is navigated and you find the exit point, and you have found that exit point on your own, in essence you become your own rock and emotionally hardened. This is extremely important for any future reconnection you might have, the BPD goes to pieces if they are not attached to someone, so when things go South with the new supply they have effectively lost their 'rock' - you however will have become your own 'rock' - to get to that stage uses the big three TNT (Time, No contact, Therapy). They are your tools, and the BPD possesses nothing in their arsenal that can beat those.

[bpdspell]

Split Black,

1 month out is a drop in the bucket. Be patient with yourself. Engagement with a borderline is toxic, addictive and feeds into the parts of ourselves that believe the love is supposed to hurt and be mined for.  In the beginning the roller coaster ride of being with a borderline is nothing short of thrilling but eventually evolves into a soul sucking parasistical exchange where you end up being the carcass. Split Black: those days of idealization will never return. Just read the facts about how a borderline relationship evolves then crashes and burns.

What helps is to remember ALL of who your ex is; not just the feel good parts that keep you stuck in idealization. Your ex cannot be trusted. Remember the misery, the entitlement, the rages, the mixed messages, the push/pull. Knock her off the pedestal that you're putting her on cause she doesn't deserve to be there. She's not the key to your happiness but it will take time for your brain and heart to align.

My ex lied, cheated, started arguments with me to try new supply. He hurt me over and over again until I decided to respect myself and kick him off the pedestal.  There is no amount of mind-blowing sex that can erase distrust or Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde behavior. Having boundaries will protect you in the long-run. An untreated borderline will steam roll anyone they can take advantage of. This is not about love for them. For them it's about perpetuating their sickness onto others and it's cyclical.

Instead of "waiting" think about this time as "healing" and "detaching." You deserve to have a life without this person dragging you into their mind of hell.

Spell

[growing_wings]

Remember the misery, the entitlement, the rages, the mixed messages, the push/pull. Knock her off the pedestal that you're putting her on cause she doesn't deserve to be there. She's not the key to your happiness but it will take time for your brain and heart to align.

good thread... i like the concept of "knocking them off the pedestal"... . it is true, we idealize them too. I did (and at times i still do!) idealize mine too. off the pedestal and reality... .

[Conundrum]

What you'll come to understand (and don't beat yourself up so early in the process), is that this is about a re-awakening of the self. Becoming comfortable with yourself again--without the distraction that has been masking--an unhealthy need for an all consuming intense attachment. It's an amazing journey because a pwBPD can be a very enticing drama filled distraction, but also a bottle-neck towards growth. When you get past the pain of the withdrawal phase you will begin to feel more centered and it will not be as difficult.

[Split black]

I have a good career... . it keeps me busy, and active during the day... . but this is affecting my work. I almost have to " come to" because my focus is so damn a drift. I hit the gym all the time, always have... . work out like a fanatic... but its stale and I feel unmotivated and weak. I have a great core group of friends and a young son of 7. His mother lives in another state. Im his rock. We are close... . if it wasn't for him I dont know what I would do.

Im unclear why I was so vulnerable, there were so many red flags, and Im a grown ass man, not a even a young man... . I believed her lies... . and I caught her cheating before... . all those MIA's, all the times her cell was off... all the excuses and the Triangulation. Then being split black several time before... I had no idea. I thought she was just emotional and complicated. She would cry all the time about loneliness... about not being able to handle it. Then the smirks, half truths and withholds, lie after lie after lie... She recycled her ex for 3 years. Then he finally pulled out I guess and she tried to make some guy she knew years ago her number one. I was never even her number one... Jesus... as I listen to what Im saying its as if Ive accepted her insanity as normal behavior. She would tell me she loved me all the time. Every-night... . but then her abuse... im never there for her, Im this Im that... what the heck?  Last straw was having a conversation with the guy she was with and confronting her. She painted me black told me to never contact her again. I did a few days later... . and she went from slight remorse to all out hate. And that was that. Im and evil manipulating liar a bad father and a bad man. Done.

Thank god for this board and thank you for your comments and help. It really does help to know Im not the only one who has been so badly chumped. And that there is a light at the end of this misery. I cant wait. I was thinking of getting hypnotized but my therapist said that wouldn't work.

Off her pedestal and into the garbage where she cant destroy any more unsuspecting men. So much for feeling special.

[Split black]

It's an amazing journey because a pwBPD can be a very enticing drama filled distraction, but also a bottle-neck towards growth. When you get past the pain of the withdrawal phase you will begin to feel more centered and it will not be as difficult.

This is so true, as much as anything she was an amazing distraction. Made me feel young and alive. I miss her intensity... . but I dont miss the anxiety, frustration, broken promises, lies, distortion and Triangulation me with everything... .   ugh

[Ritchie53]

Split Black,

Don't panic - it's normal, totally normal what you are going through. It affects everything in the early days after break up. I can't guarantee that she will reconnect, I can't guarantee anything about your situation apart from one thing, it will and does get easier, little by little, it's a process. In the early days you will be seeking advice like now, down the line you will be helping others with your advice of these traumatic early days. 

[Split black]

Split Black,

Don't panic - it's normal, totally normal what you are going through. It affects everything in the early days after break up. I can't guarantee that she will reconnect, I can't guarantee anything about your situation apart from one thing, it will and does get easier, little by little, it's a process. In the early days you will be seeking advice like now, down the line you will be helping others with your advice of these traumatic early days. 

Thanks man... .   yeah... I know its a process... . I just wish I could time warp to acceptance. Panic... . yes... . this overwhelming sense of anxiety, knowing I will never see her again... . then re-thinking of all the bad things, and knowing that even is she did try to recycle it would just be more of the same and I would starve to death on crumbs... . just damn sad. Such a waste.

[Ritchie53]

Split Black

What you have just written is word for word me after 1 month out. Hang in there, keep posting anything and everything if necessary and start stringing those days together and break it down. Your first focus is 50 days so get to that target and achieve something between now and then - maybe a personal best on bench press or squat rack.