Would just like to heard

[GlitterBug]

So the past few days have been pretty rubbish if I'm honest.

It's now been almost 2 months since I was 'painted Black' and told to stay out of my best friends life for good.

We had an argument which was a result of her Gas Lighting, Yes I did retaliate which I know I shouldnt've done but her reaction to me a few days later, the blocks from social media, the vile remarks and name calling and finally the 'cut out' were in my opinion a complete over reaction to a situation that could've been resolved in a fews days once we had calmed down a little - I guess I'm looking at this from the 'non' perspective and not from to BP perspective.

We shared a close mutual friend and as the weeks have gone by, the communication between us has become more and more fragmented - I sent her three messages last week and she replied to none of them, she called me a couple of days later to say sorry she had not been in touch but had simply forgotten to reply.

I wanted so badly to tell her that I was suffering as a result of the treatment I had unfairly received from pwBPD but I just clammed up and said I was ok, she said she would call me later that evening for a chat but she never did.


Since then, I've seen facebook posts where she has been out partying with our mutual friend with BP and the new social circle she is intergrating herself into ( I presume as a replacement for the close friendship she had with me for almost 20yrs).

Pictures of them have been posted on FB Llaughing and joking as if I never even existed - They know that because my social circle was small and most of my friends were mutually there's that I will be left wit no one to really speak to or hang out with and I've rrecently moved to a new town so don't really know anyone in the area.

My pwBPD knew this when one of her vile message to me indicated that she hoped I would enjoy being alone in my new place and that I would have nothing but bitterness to keep me company.

Although I am bot BPD, I do suffer from anxiety and the occassional bout of depression which they both know about in details; I am so sad that they would leave me just rot without a second thought.

I had previously no bad feeling towards the mutual friend as I felt she was 'stuck in the middle' but now I'm starting to feel hurt by her as well; afterall, we didn't have a falling out yet she is continuing as though I have never existed, without a care, a thought, without anything.

My mum is unwell at the moment and I'm having a tough time in general, it is at these times when I usually reach out to the two people in my life who I thought would always be there me like I have always been there for them, but I feel abandones and hated and worthless.

I thought about writing our mutual friend a letter or sending her an email to explain how I feel, I think I just want to be heard and for her to understand how I am feeling. At the same time, I don't want it to be shown to pwBPD because I fear rthere will be more vile messages and insults and I can't bare anymore so I definitely don't want to break NC with her; she told me to stay away and that she had 'washed her hands of me' so I will honour what she wants.

I never thought I would feel this alone and every day that goes by, it becomes more and more clear that even the people youthink will never hurt you, do.

I thought it would start to feel better as the weeks rolled on but it's getting owrse, its like realising 'oh no, you really don't care at all do you' and the feeling of being so disposable is unbearable.

I always put these girls first and loved them like sisters and now it feels as though everything I thought to be true, stable and dependable is gone.

So I don't know if I should send an email or not, I was already told that I was a 'Pathetic Coward' and I think maybe sending an email will prove her to be right - Should I put my feelings out there to our mutual friend so she knows how I feel or shall iI just disappear gracefully and keep quiet?

ANy advise would be greatly welcomed.

[seeking balance]

I never thought I would feel this alone and every day that goes by, it becomes more and more clear that even the people youthink will never hurt you, do.

It really does hurt when we realize the same loyalty we show another is not shown to us.  The loss of mutual friends have been a topic on these boards often, myself included - I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain.

What I did was hide everything on social media - eventually I deleted them, but for a long time I just hid it so I wouldn't have to see it.  Seeing it is like ripping the scab off everytime.

We cannot change someone and our friends will show us who they are - as hard as it is to see, it is something we must accept in order to move forward.

You mentioned you have a small friend group - do you have any friends that are just yours that you can turn to for support now?

[GlitterBug]

Thanks for replying

Yeah I've thought about deleting and removing all mutual friends so I don't get pied in the face unexpectedly, but strangely it would feel final and I don't think I'm ready for it to be final even though I know I don't really have a choice.

I know I'll never be able to forgive either of them for how lie they've made me feel, it doesn't even seem like an option.

In reply to your question about friends, no I don't really have anyone else that I can speak to. I work with a nice bunch of people but they're all settled with kids and aren't interested in my silly dramas. I'm still on good terms with my exbf and occasionally we exchange the odd message via Facebook, I felt so down last night that I messaged him just because I wanted to speak to someone- he was really nice about it but I feel that people think I should just over it and forget but I can't.

The things she said may be true, perhaps that's why I now have no friends.

If I didn't have my mum around, and if I wasn't so scared of breaking her heart, I would've been outta here already.

This place is the only place I can write about it or talk about it without feeling like people think I'm pathetic- it's quite embarrassing really, I know I just need to pull myself together.

[seeking balance]

Yeah I've thought about deleting and removing all mutual friends so I don't get pied in the face unexpectedly, but strangely it would feel final and I don't think I'm ready for it to be final even though I know I don't really have a choice.

I understand.  There is a feature on FB where you can hide friends.   It makes it to where you don't see their news strings and such - therefore, the only way you see something is if you go to their page. 

I found this a much better solution early on as I was not sure which direction I was going to go with friends and I didn't want to cause unnecessary drama, but I also didn't want to see anything that was going to hurt me.

Since you are staying with you mum, sounds like now is a good time to venture out and make new friends.  I do know it is scary and hard - maybe there is some new yoga class or painting class you always wanted to try?