An Angry Person, Triggers From My FOO

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I found this article by Dr. Joe Carver to be very interesting. The Highway Patrol Approach To Discipline and Correction

The salient section, it seems to me, describes my childhood and how I reacted to my angry mother. I'm much better than I was even in my early 30s (I'm early 40s now): less social anxiety, less shut down and less of a hermit. In the face of anger (uBPDx), however, I shut down, or walked away, which infuriated her even more.

"The Angry Officer

            Change in the Situation:  The Highway Patrol officer has just pulled you over for speeding. In your rearview mirror you observe him to be angry, cursing, clinching his fists, and walking toward you as though he or she is going to rip the door from your automobile.

            Behavior produced in the Offender: Observing the anger of the officer, you become frightened and anxious. You are fearful of an attack of some kind. You become terrified that you will make the wrong comment or move in a manner that may get you assaulted or maced. For that reason, you “clam-up” and offer no or minimal response to questions.

            Discussion:  When we discipline our children in anger, they become focused on our angry mood and potential for attack – not their original misbehavior. Following several of these incidents, our children become anxiety-ridden and have the sense they are “walking on eggshells” in our presence. Children in these home environments, where an adult has a “hot temper”, feel intimidated on a daily basis. They begin to hide school notes, report cards, and avoid contact with adults in the home. When in this home environment for several years, the children develop anxiety disorders, bedwetting, sleep problems, physical ailments, and behavior problems."

[Turkish]

I found this article by Dr. Joe Carver to be very interesting. The Highway Patrol Approach To Discipline and Correction

The salient section, it seems to me, describes my childhood and how I reacted to my angry mother. I'm much better than I was even in my early 30s (I'm early 40s now): less social anxiety, less shut down and less of a hermit. In the face of anger (uBPDx), however, I shut down, or walked away, which infuriated her even more.

"The Angry Officer

            Change in the Situation:  The Highway Patrol officer has just pulled you over for speeding. In your rearview mirror you observe him to be angry, cursing, clinching his fists, and walking toward you as though he or she is going to rip the door from your automobile.

            Behavior produced in the Offender: Observing the anger of the officer, you become frightened and anxious. You are fearful of an attack of some kind. You become terrified that you will make the wrong comment or move in a manner that may get you assaulted or maced. For that reason, you “clam-up” and offer no or minimal response to questions.

            Discussion:  When we discipline our children in anger, they become focused on our angry mood and potential for attack – not their original misbehavior. Following several of these incidents, our children become anxiety-ridden and have the sense they are “walking on eggshells” in our presence. Children in these home environments, where an adult has a “hot temper”, feel intimidated on a daily basis. They begin to hide school notes, report cards, and avoid contact with adults in the home. When in this home environment for several years, the children develop anxiety disorders, bedwetting, sleep problems, physical ailments, and behavior problems."

[Surnia]

Very interesting, thank you for sharing, Turkish.

Some bells are ringing here for me too.

[Turkish]

Very interesting, thank you for sharing, Turkish.

Some bells are ringing here for me too.

I saw this same dynamic play from my uBPDx towards her youngest brother. She would "go off" on him sometimes and it was not fun to watch. She was the proxy parent for her two youngest siblings when i entered the picture (the older one is in college now, and probably the most well adjusted of all of them). She traumatized him so much that he would sometimes start crying and shutting down when my Ex would ask him questions about his school in just a normal tone of voice. Poor kid acted like he had PTSD. This was at 13-14 years of age. He was exhibiting some of the behaviors above. She's trying to be better with our kids, though they are young yet. I'm trying to be better too since I find myself raising my voice perhaps unnecessarily at DS4 when he acts out and my childhood anger triggers. I was very angry (though I kept it inside) as a kid, and realized I got it from my mother when I was around 16 or so, and altered my behaviors accordingly.