Children? Black?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I broke NC a week ago via email to talk about our son trying out for the little league baseball team in our area. You have to be invited to tryout, and to an 8 year old, I'm sure he is very proud as I am for him.

I haven't heard anything from her. My son and I spent the weekend fishing in beautiful weather and caught over 100 speckled trout and a few reds. I had the time of my life, and so did he. He was crying Sunday evening when he had to go back home. He kept saying that he didn't want to go back to her and he wanted to stay with me.

I know why this is, and I feel terrible for him. His mother is no longer there physically and emotionally for him. She is too busy trying to secure this relationship with my replacement. She pawns him off to her family and has painted black me, her sister, her mother and her brother n law. Everyone except her father the one who abandoned her first years ago.

This is good for me Bc I just received a consent order from her attorney giving me more than I dreamed, and she doesn't want to fight me anymore. I called my P and he said things were working themselves out naturally, stay out if the way, and don't F it all up.

So, I am following that advice, but I'm concerned for my son's emotional well being, and if he could become black as well, Bc his father is black, therefore, his father's son should be black as well.

Has anyone heard of the children being all bad? Bc she may not have allot of time to be with this guy? Bc I'm black? Does this even make sense?

Arn

[arn131arn]

I broke NC a week ago via email to talk about our son trying out for the little league baseball team in our area. You have to be invited to tryout, and to an 8 year old, I'm sure he is very proud as I am for him.

I haven't heard anything from her. My son and I spent the weekend fishing in beautiful weather and caught over 100 speckled trout and a few reds. I had the time of my life, and so did he. He was crying Sunday evening when he had to go back home. He kept saying that he didn't want to go back to her and he wanted to stay with me.

I know why this is, and I feel terrible for him. His mother is no longer there physically and emotionally for him. She is too busy trying to secure this relationship with my replacement. She pawns him off to her family and has painted black me, her sister, her mother and her brother n law. Everyone except her father the one who abandoned her first years ago.

This is good for me Bc I just received a consent order from her attorney giving me more than I dreamed, and she doesn't want to fight me anymore. I called my P and he said things were working themselves out naturally, stay out if the way, and don't F it all up.

So, I am following that advice, but I'm concerned for my son's emotional well being, and if he could become black as well, Bc his father is black, therefore, his father's son should be black as well.

Has anyone heard of the children being all bad? Bc she may not have allot of time to be with this guy? Bc I'm black? Does this even make sense?

Arn

[fromheeltoheal]

First thing that comes to mind is the wellbeing of your son; if mom really goes off the deep end as a parent, Social Services would want to know, a resource available mostly to your son, but also to you.  Then again I'm not a parent and there are plenty here, although I've known several parents who have lost kids for screwing up. 

[Conundrum]

Splitting up is hard upon children whether a parent is disordered or not. Have you thought about entering family counseling with your son. Not only might it beneficial for you both, but it would be a way to monitor potential parental abuse/neglect on many levels. If lines are crossed and down-the-road you seek modification of the custody agreement, then an evaluation/report to the judge from the child/family psychologist who has had an ongoing relationship with the child can be an asset.

[myself]

Keep being there for him as much as you can, as you are. Emotionally as well as spending time together. Then he'll know he has YOU in his life, someone in his corner. It will help him very much. I've had problems with my exW where she was out of control and took stuff out on our son, because he was there and I wasn't, reminded her of me, whatever. It seems cold, selfish, and unfair. My son knows I'm here for him and talks with me about what he's going through, at least some of the time (he's a teenager). The main thing is to let your kids know you love and care about them. That you're doing your best, even though you might not always get things in life to go your way as much as you'd like them to. I'm sorry your son is going through this. From your posts I'd say he has a real good dad, so I'm also happy for him.

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

You sound like a great dad.

From the standpoint of someone who doesnt quite understand the intricacies of divorce and doesnt have kids, but was once one myself... . I really think the best thing you can do is be 100% in support of your sons wellbeing and development. Your best intentions cannot be translated as "bad" by everyone, no matter how hard she tries, your actions will speak louder than all her words. Especially in court, hard evidence of you trying the best for your child and your relationship with him while she pawns him off on family will definitely be in your favor.

[arn131arn]

Keep being there for him as much as you can, as you are. Emotionally as well as spending time together. Then he'll know he has YOU in his life, someone in his corner. It will help him very much. I've had problems with my exW where she was out of control and took stuff out on our son, because he was there and I wasn't, reminded her of me, whatever. It seems cold, selfish, and unfair. My son knows I'm here for him and talks with me about what he's going through, at least some of the time (he's a teenager). The main thing is to let your kids know you love and care about them. That you're doing your best, even though you might not always get things in life to go your way as much as you'd like them to. I'm sorry your son is going through this. From your posts I'd say he has a real good dad, so I'm also happy for him.

Thanks, myself. I am doing those things. He tells/shares with me allot. My and my sister. I am there for him and love to have him more and be entitled to more finally without a fight, but I can't get over the damage done to him.

It was always her and him, myself. It was so bad there that I was the one being alienated. It kills me that now he feels abandoned Bc she is never there. I will continue to be there for him, but it seems she has painted everything black in her "old" life, including her family. That now her real "savior" has come. We all know how that plays out, but I can only do so much financially and right now, I'm paying my own therapy and don't think I can afford to pay his. I guess where there's a will there's a way.

She's already raged on him, smashing his kindle fire on the sidewalk and he can no longer text me from it.

As a dad, is it unhealthy to want to save him? I tried his mother, and that got me a membership to this website, but it is my duty, right?

[Turkish]

This is good for me Bc I just received a consent order from her attorney giving me more than I dreamed, and she doesn't want to fight me anymore. I called my P and he said things were working themselves out naturally, stay out if the way, and don't F it all up.

I'd say that's good advice to follow. You've come so far in only a few months. It seems as if things are accelerating. I think Conundrum's advice is sound to possibly go in for counseling with your son, but your P can offer you guidance in this. You also need to check whatever stipulation is filed with the court now, as they usually require consent from both parties even if you have joint legal custody. You don't want to get in trouble.

So, I am following that advice, but I'm concerned for my son's emotional well being, and if he could become black as well, Bc his father is black, therefore, his father's son should be black as well.

Has anyone heard of the children being all bad? Bc she may not have allot of time to be with this guy? Bc I'm black? Does this even make sense?

Your concern is warranted. He's been through a lot. His mother (and her father) has made a mess out of all of your lives and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Whether or not she abandons him completely is beyond your control. You have control over you, and how you interact with him. I'm sorry he is crying when he has to go "home" away from you. That is heartbreaking, Arn. Keep doing what you are doing, keep being that awesome dad. Your son already sees it. This one's for you, Arn:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-s5r2spPJ8g

[Skip]

stay out if the way, and don't F it all up.

Wise advice from the T, again.  

We often tell recently divorced coupes to parallel parent for the first year and then start slowly phasing in co-parenting. Stay focused on your custody time and don't try to control, manage, or second guess or influence hers.  If she's beating the boy, sure, but if she breaks his iPOD, stay out of it.  Her parents are good and they are very involved and protective of their grandson.

And don't parentalize your son (make him make adult assessments - let him be 7) or dip into parental alienation.  Let him be a happy boy.  Say good things about mom - and don't fake it - he can read you like a book (kids are smarter than they seem).

You were difficult at Christmas, she lashed out in the court system in January and February - it didn't work well for either of you so there is a truce of futility as everyone gets back to their new life and its complexities.

In her case, she is in a new relationship and all the demands of that (remember its a rebound relationship and its in its first few months). And when you are no longer the uniting cause they have to deal with each other and all new relationships are complex... . especially when they move real fast.  

And remember you're the "holiday" parent i th honeymoon period, she is the "get him to school on-time" - but there will be pulls/distractions on your time as the months go forward- especially when you start dating on weekends.

You created a pretty good drama this year.  She topped it.  The dust is now settling.

Are you OK to not have any drama for awhile?

[arn131arn]

I'm okay with no drama, Skip. What I'm not ok with is her lying to him. And leaving him with her mother, who is as nurturing as nurturing as an iron park bench on a cold winter night. SHE is where my son' smother gets her problems. My son HATES her and I don't blame him. Her mother doesn't want him, she's tired of him being around and caring for him, her dad leads his own life and is a great grandpa once a month, and her sister and her are not talking.

The fact is, my son has gone from pillar to post the past 6 months. He is not an a stable environment, has no bed of his own, and her family is leave it to beaver on about 6 hits of paper acid! So, we can try to make it like he's in a good emotional state, but he's not, and that is what scares me. I KNOW she is neglecting him for this other guy, and I may sound jealous but this can't be good for a young boy, who was his mother's pride and joy and now, doesn't talk to her since FRIDAY!

Down here we don't lock our crazy relatives up in the attic- we parade them around the street! And, as much as I'd like to be compassionate and have that parade for her, hearing my son completely depressed over the phone tonight posses me the  off! Because I can't do anything about it- and I'm powerless!

PS up until Dec 10th she was saying we were getting back together! It makes me feel like i have no grip on reality, like I have BPD, and I don't, I know that. I know what My problem is, I'm a drunk and doing something about it.

So please don't tell me how the invite for x mas was her being nice and sweet and loving and caring! She was grooming my replacement the whole time, and me being there had nothing to do with me nor my son. It was because I bought him the big present and she wanted it there so SHE could feel Better about not having a good enough x mas for him. (I hope I don't sound like a dick, but I the fog's lifting and I see her for what she is).

with me all you want, I'm big enough to handle it,  with my kid and I'm coming for ya... .

[Skip]

So please don't tell me how the invite for x mas was her being nice and sweet and loving and caring!

Didn't say that Arn and it's not important what I say - go back and read what you said in your pre-Christmas posts - 90 days ago - your main concern then was a power struggle with the ex over who controlled Christmas - with her father trying to keep things as normal as possible for your son.

You were fighting it. 90 days ago.

This has been a traumatic time all the way around and everyone had their "not too impressive" moments. This was hard on the boy. So was her keeping him from you for weeks.  She was hard on the boy. You were hard on him, too.

It happens in these situations.  Fortunately, kids are pretty resilient - especially after short periods of chaos - 90 to 180 days is nothing.  Be happy that it ended so quickly.

Is hers an abusive, unfit family?  You've never indicated any of that.  Sure the boy would rather fish than hang out with grandma and be taught table manners.  This is normal stuff.

If you love him, help him find peace and love and respect in his family.  :)on't encourage him to start picking sides.  If you wage this type of war or try to control her parenting or the grandparents involvement or fuel any dissension, expect a fight - a long fight with casualties.  

with me all you want, I'm big enough to handle it,  with my kid and I'm coming for ya... .

You going after grandpa?  

[arn131arn]

Heard that.

Calming down and not going after anyone