Did they ever love me?

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is the hardest question for me. Did they ever really love me? At times, I thought that they did. The times when my mother would laugh at my jokes, or my dad would hug me before they went home from a visit.

I remember when I was thirteen and heard my dad talking so sweetly to our dogs. He never had spoken that way to any of us kids. As  a matter of fact, he rarely did speak, and when he did it was to tell us how wrong we were for thinking the way we did. My dad was a brilliant man. He designed an apparatus to recycle ash through smoke stacks at the power plant he worked at for many years. This apparatus resulted in reducing the amount of pollution spewed into the atmosphere. He constantly read articles that I couldn't even begin to understand. He once tried to explain the binary system to me. Greek. It was all Greek to me and made me feel stupid. Back to when I heard him talking to our dogs. I went to my mother and told her that I couldn't understand how he could talk this way to the dogs, but not us. She immediately went to him and told him that he needed to tell his children that he loved us. He had never once said "I love you." After that, he did start to tell us he loved us. It was awkward and uncomfortable for all of us. I never was sure if he said this because he was told to or because he really meant it.

When my brother and one sister were told to never come back, I couldn't understand how any parent could tell their child to leave and never come back. At first, I bought into their reasons. "They didn't want to live their life they way they had been taught." "My sister is a slut who has no morals." "My brother is a liar and has turned his wife against us." "They don't love us."

In the pit of my stomach, I didn't believe them, but was too terrified to go against them. It is ludicrous to abuse your children and then think that they would want to live their life they way they had been raised, but this was their twisted reasoning. When my sister was in crisis, she did contact us and my parents let her back in. Then a fight erupted and she was gone again. This went on for years. I became frustrated with my sister because she would say and do things that would create chaos in her life and the lives of others. It was almost a relief to not have her around, and then I would feel guilty for feeling this way. How could I not love my sister unconditionally, if this is what I wanted from my parents? I hated myself for not supporting her and hated my parents for being so cruel. And yet, this was all I ever knew, so I wanted to be in their good graces and avoid the same treatment my sister received.

As time went on, I became the target of my mothers anger. It was bizarre though, because she would always want to buy me things. She was even worse with my daughter. I would tell her not to buy expensive gifts for my daughter, but she would ignore my wishes and do it anyway. She once bought my daughter a brand new computer when she was 12. I was furious. I had already told her not to do this, because she didn't need a computer at such a young age, and spending $900 was outrageous. My mother raged at me and told me that I couldn't tell her what to do with her money! Huh? The issue was not about how she spent her money, but what she was doing was in conflict with the values I wanted to raise my daughter with.

We went on many family vacations and pretended to get along. I did this thinking that my daughter needed her grandparents and extended family in her life, as I had very little contact with my extended family and had only one grandmother still living in a state very far away. This grandmother I suspect had a PD as she was vindictive, cruel, and would love to call and tell us what she had given the other grandkids for Christmas, even though she had never sent a Christmas gift. I tolerated so much because I thought that they needed me as much as I needed them.

How wrong I was! After I went NC, I grieved for them and cried a lot. I spewed out my story to a therapist and tried to help my sisters through this difficult time as they also went NC. After six years, I could swear that I heard my mothers voice say my name one night and I was afraid that she had passed. I called her the next day on a ruse, and couldn't believe the person I was speaking to. This was not the raging lunatic that I had known my entire life! She spoke to me as if nothing had ever transpired between us and even had a tone of voice that I had never heard. She sounded like an older woman who had a sing-song tone to her voice. She spoke to me as if I were an acquaintance. It was bizarre. She told me about family reunions that she and my dad attended and which of my uncles had passed away in the past year. She asked how my daughter and I were doing, but in a tone you would have for someone that you didn't know that well. She went on tell me her age in her cheery tone, as if I didn't know how old she was! She ended the call by telling me that it was nice to talk to me and take care, in that same sing-song voice. I hung up the phone perplexed. They never really loved me. Any of us for that matter.

I know rationally that BPD really don't have the capacity for love. I get it. I just can't convince my heart that this is true. I have dreams about my mother and wake up crying. I don't know how to move past this realization that I was never loved the way a daughter should be loved by their parents. It's funny though, it doesn't seem to bother me as much that my dad doesn't love me, and I wonder if this is connected to why I never had a relationship in which I received love.

My sister called my dad five years ago and all he had to say to her was that they were going bankrupt because of us kids. Very odd perspective since they haven't supported any us in more than thirty years. We range in age from 55 to 49, so I don't see how we contributed to their financial problems. It is this kind of thinking that makes me angry and only cements how he feels about us. We were burdens, not anything he ever wanted.

So, my question is, how do I deal with the reality that they never loved us and didn't want us? I have a daughter and love her more than my life itself. I could never imagine not having her in my life. How does a parent not want their own child?

Lost and empty.

[clljhns]

This is the hardest question for me. Did they ever really love me? At times, I thought that they did. The times when my mother would laugh at my jokes, or my dad would hug me before they went home from a visit.

I remember when I was thirteen and heard my dad talking so sweetly to our dogs. He never had spoken that way to any of us kids. As  a matter of fact, he rarely did speak, and when he did it was to tell us how wrong we were for thinking the way we did. My dad was a brilliant man. He designed an apparatus to recycle ash through smoke stacks at the power plant he worked at for many years. This apparatus resulted in reducing the amount of pollution spewed into the atmosphere. He constantly read articles that I couldn't even begin to understand. He once tried to explain the binary system to me. Greek. It was all Greek to me and made me feel stupid. Back to when I heard him talking to our dogs. I went to my mother and told her that I couldn't understand how he could talk this way to the dogs, but not us. She immediately went to him and told him that he needed to tell his children that he loved us. He had never once said "I love you." After that, he did start to tell us he loved us. It was awkward and uncomfortable for all of us. I never was sure if he said this because he was told to or because he really meant it.

When my brother and one sister were told to never come back, I couldn't understand how any parent could tell their child to leave and never come back. At first, I bought into their reasons. "They didn't want to live their life they way they had been taught." "My sister is a slut who has no morals." "My brother is a liar and has turned his wife against us." "They don't love us."

In the pit of my stomach, I didn't believe them, but was too terrified to go against them. It is ludicrous to abuse your children and then think that they would want to live their life they way they had been raised, but this was their twisted reasoning. When my sister was in crisis, she did contact us and my parents let her back in. Then a fight erupted and she was gone again. This went on for years. I became frustrated with my sister because she would say and do things that would create chaos in her life and the lives of others. It was almost a relief to not have her around, and then I would feel guilty for feeling this way. How could I not love my sister unconditionally, if this is what I wanted from my parents? I hated myself for not supporting her and hated my parents for being so cruel. And yet, this was all I ever knew, so I wanted to be in their good graces and avoid the same treatment my sister received.

As time went on, I became the target of my mothers anger. It was bizarre though, because she would always want to buy me things. She was even worse with my daughter. I would tell her not to buy expensive gifts for my daughter, but she would ignore my wishes and do it anyway. She once bought my daughter a brand new computer when she was 12. I was furious. I had already told her not to do this, because she didn't need a computer at such a young age, and spending $900 was outrageous. My mother raged at me and told me that I couldn't tell her what to do with her money! Huh? The issue was not about how she spent her money, but what she was doing was in conflict with the values I wanted to raise my daughter with.

We went on many family vacations and pretended to get along. I did this thinking that my daughter needed her grandparents and extended family in her life, as I had very little contact with my extended family and had only one grandmother still living in a state very far away. This grandmother I suspect had a PD as she was vindictive, cruel, and would love to call and tell us what she had given the other grandkids for Christmas, even though she had never sent a Christmas gift. I tolerated so much because I thought that they needed me as much as I needed them.

How wrong I was! After I went NC, I grieved for them and cried a lot. I spewed out my story to a therapist and tried to help my sisters through this difficult time as they also went NC. After six years, I could swear that I heard my mothers voice say my name one night and I was afraid that she had passed. I called her the next day on a ruse, and couldn't believe the person I was speaking to. This was not the raging lunatic that I had known my entire life! She spoke to me as if nothing had ever transpired between us and even had a tone of voice that I had never heard. She sounded like an older woman who had a sing-song tone to her voice. She spoke to me as if I were an acquaintance. It was bizarre. She told me about family reunions that she and my dad attended and which of my uncles had passed away in the past year. She asked how my daughter and I were doing, but in a tone you would have for someone that you didn't know that well. She went on tell me her age in her cheery tone, as if I didn't know how old she was! She ended the call by telling me that it was nice to talk to me and take care, in that same sing-song voice. I hung up the phone perplexed. They never really loved me. Any of us for that matter.

I know rationally that BPD really don't have the capacity for love. I get it. I just can't convince my heart that this is true. I have dreams about my mother and wake up crying. I don't know how to move past this realization that I was never loved the way a daughter should be loved by their parents. It's funny though, it doesn't seem to bother me as much that my dad doesn't love me, and I wonder if this is connected to why I never had a relationship in which I received love.

My sister called my dad five years ago and all he had to say to her was that they were going bankrupt because of us kids. Very odd perspective since they haven't supported any us in more than thirty years. We range in age from 55 to 49, so I don't see how we contributed to their financial problems. It is this kind of thinking that makes me angry and only cements how he feels about us. We were burdens, not anything he ever wanted.

So, my question is, how do I deal with the reality that they never loved us and didn't want us? I have a daughter and love her more than my life itself. I could never imagine not having her in my life. How does a parent not want their own child?

Lost and empty.

[Sitara]

I don't know if you've looked at the Radical Acceptance thread yet, but it might help. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

It's not easy to get over your family not being what you want them to be, but all you can do is move forward and find ways to make the changes in your own life. I've had to let go that I'll never have big family reunions or happy holiday get togethers. Instead I focus on my family and doing with my kids what I always wanted my parents to do.

I find that it's easier for me to accept things outside of my control when I'm happier with the state of my own personal life, so that is what I focus on. 

[clljhns]

Sitara,

Thank you for the link. I read through it, and realize how true this is. I should be in the moment, and not looking for what I don't have. I really thought that I had moved past these feelings until I contacted two of my siblings, and then was thrown right back into those old feelings of being unloved. It seems to hurt worse when it is your FOO, rather than a friend or partner, at least for me that is how it has been.

I find that it's easier for me to accept things outside of my control when I'm happier with the state of my own personal life, so that is what I focus on.

I agree with this statement. Thanks so much for responding and helping me to refocus my attention!

[Islandgrl]

Hey cljhns

Sitara does give good advice. 

something I think we all struggle with on here is that we are grieving not just for the abuse we were subjected to but the loving family we did not get.  So much of our character is shaped by our FOO and it's very hard to move on.  Sitara is so right to tell you to focus on your personal life.  You have done a fantastic job in being able to break the cycle and be a loving parent to your daughter.  The important thing to remember is that their behaviour doesn't say anything about you - only about them.  It's hard to accept how unfair their behaviour is and to hope they will change, but they likely won't.

My thoughts are with you on your journey. 

[clljhns]

Thank you Islandgrl!



The important thing to remember is that their behaviour doesn't say anything about you - only about them.

Absolutely! I couldn't agree more. My head has no problem in processing this, my heart hasn't caught up yet.