Still hurting after all this time.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How did I end up here? I mean in this madness, and mayhem which is now my life? I have been in therapy but not in the last six months. I couldnt afford it really. But NOTHING seems to ease my pain. And today of all days, he gets married. I have been getting messages non stop. Hate filled mostly. The new wife has joined in the fun it seems. I have gone to the police. I have been silent. I am hated beyond words by them both. All because i dared to love and leave this brutal man. This is the same woman , by the way, that was living with him over last summer. They had break ups and make ups apparently the entire time. He made this woman hate me. Made her jealous of me. Used me as a reason for his every tyraid against her. I had been silent. Its unbelievable what all has happened over the last year. Im at a loss. I need support. I was finally able to gain access to return here and well, here i am. In the ugly FOG. In horrible pain. And feeling like it is all my fault again. How did I know these things? He gave her my information and she contacted me. Asks me to please talk to her. She wanted to know the truth. She didnt want the truth. She wanted to turn him further against me. What insanity! Honesty Isnt the best policy with this situation. And no good deed goes unpunished. God help me through this. Kind words? Anyone?

[clover528]

How did I end up here? I mean in this madness, and mayhem which is now my life? I have been in therapy but not in the last six months. I couldnt afford it really. But NOTHING seems to ease my pain. And today of all days, he gets married. I have been getting messages non stop. Hate filled mostly. The new wife has joined in the fun it seems. I have gone to the police. I have been silent. I am hated beyond words by them both. All because i dared to love and leave this brutal man. This is the same woman , by the way, that was living with him over last summer. They had break ups and make ups apparently the entire time. He made this woman hate me. Made her jealous of me. Used me as a reason for his every tyraid against her. I had been silent. Its unbelievable what all has happened over the last year. Im at a loss. I need support. I was finally able to gain access to return here and well, here i am. In the ugly FOG. In horrible pain. And feeling like it is all my fault again. How did I know these things? He gave her my information and she contacted me. Asks me to please talk to her. She wanted to know the truth. She didnt want the truth. She wanted to turn him further against me. What insanity! Honesty Isnt the best policy with this situation. And no good deed goes unpunished. God help me through this. Kind words? Anyone?

[bb12]

Hi Clover

Awful stuff isn't it? What a strange form of Triangulation - for the third party to become so actively involved. I had a brief experience of that (abuse from my first replacement) but not over a sustained period.

No Contact is the only way out of it. And that includes NC with the new girl. Any contact with either of them will make it worse. You do not owe her anything - least of all clarification or explanation.

I nuked my exBPD from orbit about 18 months ago. Complete NC. Blocked on email, Facebook, and now with smart phones - also blocked on there. And what a lovely relief... . to know I will never hear from them again.

Despite me being the one to end the r/ship, I also had this strange pull and had to resist urges to make contact. We are left without closure but also with a sense of integrity so strong that we feel compelled to defend ourselves in the face of their lies and defamation. But we will never win. And who cares what some stranger thinks about us anyway... . whether they believe his lies or not.

My advice is to make this journey solely about you and why you chose him, why you stayed, what his behaviour continues to trigger in you - and why you continue to care. Let it all go and work on you.

And that starts with nurturing and personal spoiling. Exercise, good food, long baths, heaps of sleep, watch the booze intake. Just look after you.



I promise it gets better. I am 2 years out and would never have believed I could feel this good. You will be here too some day and you will laugh at the hold this psychopath ever had over you

BB12

[willy45]

I'm sorry you are hurting. That sucks.

I totally echo BB12. No contact.

I'm 1.5 years out and had contact for the first time on a year last week. It has sent me in a tailspin. But, before that, I was doing well! Really had a lot of great things going on. Still do. Just doesn't feel that way anymore. Stupid thing is that objectively, nothing has changed. The secret though, is no contact. Do that. It will take a few months, but the fog will lift again.

[clover528]

I know that nc is the key. I have caved and reengaged the nonsense after three months nc before. During which time i was terrorized as was my family. He said my silence provokes him. If I tried to talk he would calm right down then apologize, then beg me to come back and forgive him. Ask to please communicate, then would demand I make a decision immediately ( which I had already done dozens of times with no regard). after i would say I couldnt return to him he would cry and say goodbye then come back in a few days with some half baked ,year old reason for raging at me,  that had been discussed explained and defended a hundred other times and begin the hate and terror all over again.

Today has a special meaning for me. He knew. They got married to ruin my day. How sick is that? And in what reality would any self respecting woman want to get married on a special day for the ex girlfriend. Just for revenge?   Its as if not only is he obsessed, she is also.

As for focusing on me and my emotions... . I am all over the map. Just head reeling. I could cry but wont allow myself too. If I start I am afraid I wont stop. I laugh because its ridiculous that she married this man on this day knowingly. ( She also knows he proposed to me not even a month ago again and begged me to come home again). Then Im hurt because of the hope I had. ( delusion actually that he would get the help he needed). Scared because of the crazy behavior they both exhibit and the total lack of regard for the law. Exhausted from ALL of it. Nervous to believe they will leave me alone after today. ( again the police got involved because they came to my home together this time). Like I said, all over the map of emotions.

The why of it all for me? Who the hell knows at this point. I know my issues. I just have not mastered the use of the tools necessary to detach successfully. I do plan on returning to therapy. In the meantime, please send positive energy my direction. Im struggling. I dont see many familiar names here from a year or so ago. But I know our stories are all very similar. thank you for any feedback or support. Im buckling at the knees.

Thanks again.

[babyducks]

Hi Clover,

I remember you from a year or so ago.   Nice to see you again.  I am sorry things are still so tough for you.

Detachment from these r/s is difficult.  It has been my experience that my pwBPD has done things that made detaching more difficult.  That has been hard for me.

The other half of the equation is there is a part of me that doesn't want to let go of the good feelings I had when I was with her. 

Here are a couple of suggestions, stuff that probably looks familiar to you but I will offer them up as a reminder.

Don't JADE.  Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.   People with BPD argue to keep you engaged in their chaos, not to resolve an issue.   As you know, that's why its impossible to 'win' an argument.   The issue is expandable and flexible.  Conflict is a way to express their emotions.  The conflict will keep moving and will have nothing to do with you.

I noticed that in your first message you said you had been getting messages all day.  On his wedding day?  Did I understand that correctly?   Is there some reason you can't change your phone number or block his contact?  Is there a way for you to not listen too or read his messages?  Can you have a trusted friend delete them?

Of course your emotions are a mess, anyone's would be if they spent a significant day getting bombarded with hate filled messages.

Measure your success in small increments.  You are back here talking about how you feel and what you can do to move beyond this.      Give yourself credit for success there. 

From what you wrote, it sounds like you have been living in some horrific emotional churn for some time.   That is very hard to endure.  It takes a toll in ways that are difficult to imagine.

He is married now so in a way he has made the decision for you.  The moral/ethical dissonance of engaging with him while he is married to his new wife will only continue to hurt you.   Let them go.   Nothing you did, or didn't do was going to make any difference in how this turned out.   He would have and will continue to manipulate the situation for maximum possible chaos because that is how he lives, how he is most comfortable.

The only thing that matters from this point on, is making good decisions for the maximum health and comfort of clover528.   That's your goal.  Find the one small tiny thing that will be good for clover today and do it. 

babyducks

[Dog biscuit]

As for focusing on me and my emotions... . I am all over the map. Just head reeling. I could cry but wont allow myself too. If I start I am afraid I wont stop. I laugh because its ridiculous that she married this man on this day knowingly. ( She also knows he proposed to me not even a month ago again and begged me to come home again). Then Im hurt because of the hope I had. ( delusion actually that he would get the help he needed). Scared because of the crazy behavior they both exhibit and the total lack of regard for the law. Exhausted from ALL of it. Nervous to believe they will leave me alone after today. ( again the police got involved because they came to my home together this time). Like I said, all over the map of emotions.

He Clover, It's a tough emotional spot your in. I can relate to some point, as many of us unfortunately can.

Dont wait for them to leave you alone, turn the tables and leave them by making sure you cannot be reached by them ( block numbers, change numbers, block everything). Is that possible? Protect yourself form further emotional harm, you've allready got enough on your plate.

Take care!

[Clearmind]

His new wife will be in your exact same shoes.

Try to move past the thoughts of "they are doing this to me" and take charge - don't let them ruin things for you.

[clover528]

Hi all. And babyducks and clearmind i recognize you two as well. I only keep my number for the warning. He always warns me before he shows if I have the same number. I cant move. He knows where i live. Its complicated. I have tried to legally make this stop but because his innuendos arent direct threats of bodily harm, I have no leg to stand on. Now I am trying to get stalking charges. New laws put in place this past year. He does show up here if he cant contact me. I have called the police etc. They can only ask him to leave. He doesnt come directly on my property. This has taken a toll on my entire family. I have not replied. I only have my kids and aging parent here. I cant allow them to read the messages. some are quite vulgar. She has even sent photos that are vile. I showed the officer everything yesterday. They knew I wasnt here at the time and sent a photo of my home. It was terrifying because my children were there. And yes, I got photos of the documents and regular updates. Then a drive by in the decorated vehicle. Its just craziness. I believe she is right there with him in terms of the illness. I am trying very hard to do what I can to take care of me and my family. Its overwhelming. I just cant move. If I could ,I would. Thank you all for the continued support and for this forum. I appreciate it very much. I feel very alone in this. Noone understands.

[babyducks]

Clover,

Here is what has worked for me. 

When thoughts, repetitive nonproductive thoughts of my EX crowd into my head I stop them.

I say to myself.  Out loud if possible.

I am Free.   I am Powerful.  I am remaking my life into what I want.

Yes it sounds silly.   Even overly simplistic.   But changing your thought process changes reality eventually.

If no one changes, nothing changes.  And you are the only one who can change.

Good Luck

'ducks

[clover528]

baby ducks, thank you! i will make it my mantra. I do try to redirect my thoughts. I am practicing mindfulness but some days it isnt so easy. Thank you for your continued support here and for the replies. God bless.

[barbwire911]

I hear you Clover.  It has been 6 weeks for me and although I asked for some space, I did not expect the full silent treatment once I asked for a little space during an argument.  But I got wind he was replacing me during this space and asked him about her and he suddenly he got angry on the phone and yelled "you are nothing to me and we were never anything" and hung up and that was it. 6 weeks ago.  I did email 3 nice emails not stating I want him back but why I needed space and still silent.  No closure I think is what keeps us miserable. I was good with NC for 11 days and then broke NC and then was good for another 9 days. I know it is better I do not hear from him but the lack of closure kills me but i am seeing that closure is going to have to come from within me. Therapy is helping but it has been an up and down year in this r/s so it will take time. But i hear you on how it aches.

[nolisan]

The gift that keeps on giving ... . sigh.

It ain't over til it's over. It will be. Maintain NC and please do not get drawn into the drama triangle.

I know it is hard.

Be the better person (that you are)

[clover528]

I am maintaining NC. His new wife( which may or may not be the situation as they havent informed family yet... . weird) contacted me a couple days ago. Warning me to not contact him in anyway.  She is a piece of work. She said if I mess it up for them she will ruin me. ( i am editing the words here and being PG rated). This is a big red flag regarding her own issues. First, I havent EVER been the first to contact him. I only replied after months of torturous messages. Secondly, why even worry about me? They are so happy and married and newlyweds. How could I possibly mess that up? She is apparently insecure and threatened by me. But she brags about how she has put me in my place so to speak and acts as though she is so intelligent etc. I have not engaged one argument, not one ill word to her or about her. I only told her how abusive he was to me. complimented her on every level when she would say how he compared her to me and made her hate me. I feel so sorry for her really. I just want to walk away and not be hurt further by him. I told her I understood her love for him. I told her i would be there for her and help her whenever she needed someone who understood. It all backfired. HOW? I just dont understand. Unless, she too is disordered. I have not engaged in either of their rage of nonsense. I wont. It isnt easy to walk away when you are being bombarded by bullies. And Believe me I wasnt brought up to turn and walk away. I know however, that being a bigger person and being mature about the situation is the only way to handle me. I wont dwell in the gutter. That is where the messages are located and have been. I have and will remain silent. It isnt easy. I just dont really know any other way to handle this. The police are aware. I am taking care of my family. Thats the only thing I can do as of now. Thank you all for the much needed support. This still hurts like hell. But I wont beat myself up for what is being done now. I am trying so very hard to focus on what will keep me healthy and in control of me.