Is it EVER ok to break NC?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When my exBPDgf broke it off with me and found a new guy, she said she wanted "a friendship" with me.  I went with this for a bit until I realized how incredibly non-reciprocal this friendship would be, how it would be an opportunity to rub the new bf in my face, and I adopted an NC approach.  Although she agreed we shouldn't talk, she texted me after a couple weeks and we broke.  Started talking on the phone, then had another fight, and I have been NC for several weeks since and INTEND to stay that way. 

Last night, she texted me with a medical question about her ex-husband's niece (!), who was in the ER.  I am a medical professional and was in a position to answer.  I didn't want to say anything, but I felt guilty that a third party was sick and had this question and I wasn't going to answer.  So I just texted back the answer.  She asked a follow-up question, I answered. Then she wrote "OK," then "Thanks," then "Thank you" and I did not respond. 

Since this text a couple days ago, I've been going crazy analyzing hit.  I feel that I would have been better off dealing with the guilt and not answering.  Am I right about this?  Are there times when breaking NC really makes sense?  And what was this text exchange all about anyway? My ex is a nurse, so she could easily get this info somewhere else, or just hear what the ER doc had to say. 

Hoping to hear the thoughts of others on this issue. 

[BacknthSaddle]

When my exBPDgf broke it off with me and found a new guy, she said she wanted "a friendship" with me.  I went with this for a bit until I realized how incredibly non-reciprocal this friendship would be, how it would be an opportunity to rub the new bf in my face, and I adopted an NC approach.  Although she agreed we shouldn't talk, she texted me after a couple weeks and we broke.  Started talking on the phone, then had another fight, and I have been NC for several weeks since and INTEND to stay that way. 

Last night, she texted me with a medical question about her ex-husband's niece (!), who was in the ER.  I am a medical professional and was in a position to answer.  I didn't want to say anything, but I felt guilty that a third party was sick and had this question and I wasn't going to answer.  So I just texted back the answer.  She asked a follow-up question, I answered. Then she wrote "OK," then "Thanks," then "Thank you" and I did not respond. 

Since this text a couple days ago, I've been going crazy analyzing hit.  I feel that I would have been better off dealing with the guilt and not answering.  Am I right about this?  Are there times when breaking NC really makes sense?  And what was this text exchange all about anyway? My ex is a nurse, so she could easily get this info somewhere else, or just hear what the ER doc had to say. 

Hoping to hear the thoughts of others on this issue. 

[Skip]

Detachment is the objective.

No contact is generally a short term tool (6 weeks or so) to help start the detachment process.   No contact has two parts, not initiating and not responding.  

Generally, the not initiating is most important because it relieves us from trying to strategize some way to be heard and influence the other party.

Responding, especially to non emotionally based correspondence is generally no big deal.  The minute we start emotionally engaging, its best to back away from it too.

But none of this is a substitute for letting go - letting go of the dream, the relationship, the fight, whatever.  

And if you find yourself emotionally fretting over "NC" compliance, the issue is more about the attachment than the NC.

Make sense?

So in this case, she asked you for medical information.  You provided it.  She thanked you.

That was nice of you.  Can you leave it alone now?

If not, then try to find something else to help you let go - that's really what you need.  If you are ruminating on what she might be thinking, fight to let that go.  

You can desensitize yourself.

Stop replaying the injustices or the hurt in your mind. Stop thinking about what you could have done different - if handled something poorly or didn't get something you should have, accept that the time has past.

You might want to try anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds or exercise or meditation to help.

Frankly, sometimes just texting back will help.  That may result in a less than desired response, but that in itself (or even just writing the text and not sending) my help you let go.

[Split black]

If I break NC... . being split blacker then night for the 5th and Im sure final time... .   It would mean I just gave her all of my power... . or rather the satisfaction of knowing I care. She knows I care... she knew I cared and loved her... . she doesn't care that I care... . even though she told me she loved me 100 times and her life was so much better with me in it.  So breaking NC would mean that she would get another opportunity to tell me that I disgust her... . because " she doesn't need a history lesson",  said to me when I called her a week after I discovered her lies... . and still tried to convince her of all the things I did for her and all the fun times we had... . and that I would even talk things thru after busting her cheating for the 2nd time in two weeks with the same guy she said she hated. And reminding her that I never once did any of the things she accused me of doing during her mass projection spew. But noo... .   all I got was dont ever contact me again. Why did you call me? Leave me alone! Im going to meetings now and I cant have any contact with you. Your evil, the whole world knows your a terrible man, blah blah blah hate, disgust, hate hate. CLICK. Hung up.

I made the mistake of looking at her FB today, we are not friends so I can only see her pictures and profile updates... . looking at her FB is a form of breaking NC, after a month. And I saw shes back with her original ex of 3-4 years that she recycled 20 times. Both alcoholics and drug addicts but at least he goes to meetings and is sober for a long time. Now it makes sense... . in order to get him back she has to mirror him and give him what he wants... which is her going to meetings ( a good thing at least )  He always tried to get her to go,( damn it I told her I would pay for rehab if she went for a month, she would yell at me to shut up and just enjoy her and have fun and she was never going to go ever!)  So he is actually a decent guy.  He knows she has cheated on him so many times. This poor guy thinks shes nuts because of her substance abuse... . its because of her BPD! She numbs herself out with everything because of her various disorders... . including anxiety.  I cant imagine the lies to get him back. How can he possibly still believe her after being burned over and over and over?  Ha... . how could I?   This is after telling me she hated her ex. I dont know, I cant keep track.  I saw that she took a job at a store 15 yards from my gym! What the heck?  I told her I would pay for her tuition to go back to school to do something with her life. Shes only 26. Im much older. I think she felt ashamed at being with me, because she knew she was using me for money n drugs and council... . but she never loved me or cared, regardless of what she said... I think in her twisted mind she felt that she provided sex and I provided money. It made her feel shame, and accused me of using HER like a whore. Unreal!

Actually her FB pic,... . didnt look that good to me. She was posing... I know this because she would make me take pics of her to post on her FB page when ever I took out to a high end restaurant over the past year. Which was all the time.  Fake ass smile... eyes like pin points of psychotic negative energy. Now what... . every damn time I go to the gym, I will know shes two seconds away. ugh damn it.  Oh man... . one day at a time.

NC... .   its the only way to even get to a point where you can let go of hope and accept reality for what it is.

[fromheeltoheal]

Initially I went NC ("went NC"!  Two letters elevated to lofty status!) meaning I left her and ignored phone calls, emails and texts, because I thought I was going insane and needed to bail, no other option whatsoever.  She stopped trying after about 6 months, and there was always some emotional, relationship-oriented content with manipulation attempts, there was no 'just doing business' in there anywhere, so what's the point?

But as I detached and processed all the crap I put up with, the devaluation, emasculation, disrespect, it became clear that I was not willing to have someone like that in my life, anyone who treats me like that for that matter, so it's had a snowball effect and I've removed several people, that process being one of the gifts of the relationship.  I'm not 'staying NC' anymore, I've just moved on, and I'm more than OK with that. 

It's said we train people how to treat us, I'm not very good at that, I've decided to settle for just being who I am, and the folks who respect and love me anyway can stay, the rest gotta go.  Gifts come in beautiful, screwed up packages sometimes, and I've become OK with that.

[Learning_curve74]

When you no longer wonder "what does this mean" then you'll have reached a state of detachment. If some stranger on the street learned you were a doctor and asked you the same questions as your ex, then you wouldn't have thought any more of it.

If you can be businesslike and not engage emotionally, then you can manage your contact with her. It is best to have a plan drilled into your head as to how you will react and then follow it when the situation arises. For example, you can memorize "to the point, businesslike". Then apply that to all your interactions with her: "Here is the info you asked for... . you're welcome", "I am not interested in discussing this matter... . goodbye", etc.

When you don't have a plan then it is easy to react in ways that flame the fire. Instead, choose to implement an evacuation plan and follow it when the need arises.

It will take awhile to heal yourself. It's ok to feel hurt or confused or whatever. Be true to yourself: if helping somebody with a little knowledge is something you feel is an important value, then live up to it when you can. It's ok if sometimes you can't too. Just be kind to yourself. 

[talithacumi]

I agree with Skip that the point is detachment, and think heeltoheal's comments about not wanting to have someone like that be part of his life anymore is a pretty good indicator of what that feels like.

I disagree MASSIVELY, however, with the statement that it's "generally a short-term tool - 6 weeks or so," because based on what I've read on these boards over the course of the last 2 years, it takes MOST people a WHOLE lot longer to detach enough not to simply get sucked back into the cycle when/if the opportunity presents itself.

It took me over a year to get to that point after going NC, and I don't think I could have done it without remaining NC that entire time. Wouldn't have felt safe enough without it to shift my focus away from what had happened, what he'd said/done, might say/do next, and how/if I should respond to keep everything from getting any worse than it already way so I could focus instead of working with my therapist to address the core issues that, not only attracted/made me attractive to someone with BPD, but allowed us to actually have a relationship with one another for over 12 years as well.

Timeframes for this kind of stuff really aren't helpful. They set up expectations that, if not met, just add to the morass of guilt, shame, and self-loathing that makes it so hard to let go in the first place.

Detachment is the objective. If NC helps you get there, use it and use it for as long as you feel you need to. If it doesn't, find something that does and use that instead. The only thing that matters is that you do your best, at your own pace and in your own way, to get to that point.