Should I Feel Guilty for Leaving Her?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Terminated a 5 plus year (3 years living together) r/s with my ex BPD by moving out when she was at dinner with her friends. She had been having an affair for a month with some guy she met in a job networking group. I left a long letter documenting the cheating and I wished her the best. Unfortunately, I didn't know she had BPD. I knew she had some serious issues, but didn't know what she had because I had too many of my own problems. I threatened to leave her to try to get her to stop verbally abusing me.

Now I feel bad for threatening abandonment and for leaving without talking to her. She did call me three weeks later to ask to meet to "discuss any unresolved issues". But I told her I wasn't interested because I knew she was still seeing the guy she had an affair with.

I feel empty, betrayed by my best friend, and guilty that I didn't try my best in the r/s and that I left her.

[WisdomSeeker]

Terminated a 5 plus year (3 years living together) r/s with my ex BPD by moving out when she was at dinner with her friends. She had been having an affair for a month with some guy she met in a job networking group. I left a long letter documenting the cheating and I wished her the best. Unfortunately, I didn't know she had BPD. I knew she had some serious issues, but didn't know what she had because I had too many of my own problems. I threatened to leave her to try to get her to stop verbally abusing me.

Now I feel bad for threatening abandonment and for leaving without talking to her. She did call me three weeks later to ask to meet to "discuss any unresolved issues". But I told her I wasn't interested because I knew she was still seeing the guy she had an affair with.

I feel empty, betrayed by my best friend, and guilty that I didn't try my best in the r/s and that I left her.

[bpdspell]

Well I think you know the answer to your own question but I'll chime in and say absolutely not.

Your ex was cheating while living with you. That is grounds to pack your bags; borderline or not. She wouldn't want you doing that to her so why should you put up with someone doing that to you?

Guilt is a wasted emotion. You deserve to do what's best for you and that's protect yourself from lies and relationship abuse…which cheating is. Cheating is disrespectful and devaluation and is why most people are hurt by it. Cheating destroys trust. Borderlines aren't entitled to "side" relationships because they're mentally sick.

I left my ex after a whirlwind courtship, two pregnancies, a physical assault, three recycles and being cheated on twice. I even found a woman in his bed. All around he was a lying sack of you know what. So one night my heart flipped the light switch  and I decided I would end things the next day because I was becoming a shell of myself. I couldn't trust this "liar" and his "oddities" just started piling a mile high. The entitlement left me scratching my head. The lack of reciprocity was parasitically draining. I knew nothing of BPD or narcissism. I just knew that the ex was off his rocker and I wanted out.

So I left. I felt guilt and anger over being taken for granted and used. And I was in love with him. It was like cutting off my hand to save my arm.

But you, and all of us on here need to protect ourselves just as much as we were willing to take their crap. Knock your ex off that pedestal that you have her on. Sick or not feeling guilty will not change that this person was not a good girlfriend. That obligation you feel towards her is a sign of something that you need to work on within yourself.

Spell

[willy45]

Dude. I echo BPDSpell. You should absolutely not feel guilty about leaving. No way. That is an absolute deal breaker. End of story. No way. No how. She's verbally abusing you too. Nope. No guilt required. You get an absolute free card.

I know this sucks for you but in the long run, you are kind of lucky. It will be much, much easier for you to knock her off that pedestal and you are going to have something completely tangible to point at and say: NO. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO ME.

I know it sucks man. I've been cheated on too. It hurts. But, it happens to most of us. I was with a woman for 7 years once and she went on vacation and I didn't hear from her for two weeks. I tracked her down by finding some guy named 'Travis' who I called. She was staying with him. It was some random dude she met on the street and decided to move in with him. Didn't tell me. I thought she was dead. Literally. No phone call. No nothing. I was DEVASTATED. But, you know what? On the bright side? I was over her in a few months. If ever I felt any longing for her, I would just look at that and I said to myself... . Nope. Not calling. Not answering calls. This person is basically dead to me. And the thing is, I wasn't really even angry anymore. It is like she did me a weird service.

Anyhow... . you left. And that's awesome. Good for you. Think about this... . maybe you didn't 'try your best' because you knew deep down that the way she treated you was unacceptable. It is hard to 'try your best' with someone raging and screaming at you randomly. Trust me man. I've been there. And I feel the same way as you do. But it isn't true. Maybe you were just listening to the wise voice inside you... . even if it was buried... . that this WAS NOT OK.

I'm happy you left her. You will be too in a while.

[AwakenedOne]

I can relate to a lot of your story. I got tired of being called a f'er and how bad I am daily. Who deserves that?  It's a lot bigger than one thing I did or she did that caused our breakup. Same with your story. Don't blame yourself for her cheating. I didn't know about BPD either. You can't fix her. Find somebody healthy who can really love. Please try to not blame yourself. It is going to be very hard on you with this loss and blaming yourself at the same time.  Look at it like this: You put up with a lot of stuff and then it became too much, you stood your ground and expected more of her and then her reaction to this is to cheat? I'd do NC and move on if was you.

[WisdomSeeker]

Thank you all for responding. I appreciate it. Part of the problem is that I am going through bankruptcy, being sued, and losing my job soon as my employer is moving out of state. I have squandered my life savings trying to work for myself and I have a gambling problem. To some degree, I can understand her leaving, as I am a financial loser at this point in my life. But I have been trying to get it together. But I am overwhelmed now with being betrayed and the lost of my best friend in one swooping blow. Add in the fact that we adopted some dogs together and now I can't see them. I have gone nc for a month and we have never talked since I left except for 2 minutes on the phone when I said I wasn't interested in meeting with her.

[heartandwhole]

WisdomSeeker,

You did the best you knew how to do to take care of yourself, and you didn't know she had BPD.  Guilt will only hold you back, so if you can, practice letting it go.  You have a lot going on besides the painful loss of your gf, it is so normal to feel the way you do – I know I would. 

I think the best course of action for you right now is to deal with getting yourself back to a state of balance. That will include a grieving process, and a change of behavior, but you can come out of this with a completely new life, it is really possible.

One step at a time.  Do you have a T?  Supportive friends, or family?   Keep posting, and let us support you, too. 

[Learning_curve74]

WisdomSeeker, it is entirely natural to feel guilt. Many times our feelings are ingrained reactions, and it's ok to have whatever feelings as long as we don't stuff then down or act on them in unhealthy ways.

So I agree wholeheartedly with heartandwhole that the guilt will hold you back if you don't let it go eventually. Feel it, understand why you feel it, process it, and realize that you can let it go. That letting it go is the healthiest thing for you.

Your ex is an adult who is responsible for herself. She made her choices, let her live with the consequences. Isn't that the only way a person can learn? Let her own her part in things, don't take responsibility for her crap because cheating and her other disrespectful actions are all on her.

WisdomSeeker, you have a lot on your agenda right now. Be kind to yourself. You sound overwhelmed, so getting back to a state of balance is important. If you can lean on family or friends at this time, their support can help. Even just discussing your feelings here on the forum can also help you center yourself; I know it was a life saver for me when times were dark and I am forever grateful for the other members here and their support.

Hang in there.