How long does depression phase last?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm feeling very low, struggling in fact and getting worried.

Yesterday I was so low that was feeling like there is no point in my existence. It wasn't a thought so much as a feeling.  I am not a person who would, I hope, consider suicide.  My mother killer herself and so did one of my brothers, and I know how that leaves the people around you feeling, so, not on my agenda.  But if it were, I would be feeling it. 

I am incredibly tired, have suffered from Chronic Fatigue for years and it is bad at the moment.  But most of all I feel lonely and sad.

My expwBPD keeps emailing me and telling me how much he misses me and loves me.  He now wants to be friends.  I was so hurt and confused by our relationship that I am resolved not to go down that route and am not replying to the latest email.   

I am not eating very well, eating a lot of junk actually and need to try to stop that.  I'm gonna try to do some yoga from a dvd when I get home today.  It's Kundalini yoga and helps with feeling low.  Just have to find the energy and motivation... .

There's a guy I met a while ago through work who is contacting me and wants to meet up.  He is nice and doesn't seem to have any latent mental illness (if it's possible to spot that), but I am scared and avoiding his suggestions to meet for a walk.

  Janey

[janey62]

I'm feeling very low, struggling in fact and getting worried.

Yesterday I was so low that was feeling like there is no point in my existence. It wasn't a thought so much as a feeling.  I am not a person who would, I hope, consider suicide.  My mother killer herself and so did one of my brothers, and I know how that leaves the people around you feeling, so, not on my agenda.  But if it were, I would be feeling it. 

I am incredibly tired, have suffered from Chronic Fatigue for years and it is bad at the moment.  But most of all I feel lonely and sad.

My expwBPD keeps emailing me and telling me how much he misses me and loves me.  He now wants to be friends.  I was so hurt and confused by our relationship that I am resolved not to go down that route and am not replying to the latest email.   

I am not eating very well, eating a lot of junk actually and need to try to stop that.  I'm gonna try to do some yoga from a dvd when I get home today.  It's Kundalini yoga and helps with feeling low.  Just have to find the energy and motivation... .

There's a guy I met a while ago through work who is contacting me and wants to meet up.  He is nice and doesn't seem to have any latent mental illness (if it's possible to spot that), but I am scared and avoiding his suggestions to meet for a walk.

  Janey

[fromheeltoheal]

I was depressed badly for 4 or 5 months; I was sleeping a lot, no energy, got physically sick, listless, directionless.  I don't know if there would have been a way to get through it faster, but I did know that the only way out is through, and I just kept adjusting my beliefs, looking for a way to make sense of where I was and start focusing on moving forward.  Limited results for a while.  I never considered ending it all, since at least I was convinced it was a phase that would pass.  One thing that probably helped the most was some kind of movement, if even a walk, figured I needed to keep moving at least, and it did help.  My diet suffered for a while too, I just didn't care what I was eating, but fixing that has helped too, along with making sure i stay hydrated.

I'm now feeling some hope, focusing on the future, still have some down days and some shtty beliefs that need attention, but it's a lot better than it was, I feel like I've been through something, like things have changed.  I don't do well in the Holiday season and the dead of winter in general, and the spring, if you can call it that with all the rain, has helped too.

Guess the most important thing is focus on the fact that it's a phase that will pass, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking care of yourself best you can.  It's said it's always darkest before the dawn, and the dawn is something to look forward to.  Take care of you!

[Popcorn71]

I have been feeling very down lately also.  I understand how you feel.

I think that we just reach a point where it all catches up with us.  All the lack of sleep, stress, worry, emotional turmoil, etc.  We have perhaps, been neglecting ourselves because of everything that is going on.

Maybe it's time to put ourselves first.  Have an early night, treat yourself to something nice and do something that makes you happy.  Also, know that others are here supporting you.

I have taken my own advice today.  I bought some fresh salad dressing - only a small treat but it was good :-)  I took my parents' dog for a long walk and made the most of the lovely weather instead of catching up on chores.  I am going to have an early night tonight.  And you know what - I do feel just a little bit better than yesterday.

Take care of yourself Janey.  This will pass.   

[Grey Kitty]

Have you been depressed like this before? Or depressed in different ways before?

[janey62]

Yes Grey Kitty, I have though not about this particular situation.

I've been depressed off and on since I was 11 years old, usually to do with being lonely and feeling lost. 

I think I've had chronic depression most of my adult life though it lessens when I'm newly in a relationship.  I know how that sounds and what you're thinking is probably spot on - reeks of co-dependence or 'entangled relationships' as a counsellor friend of mine likes to call it.  He says the name co-dependence is old hat and 80's... .

I know I've been haunted by the black dogs of depression all my life and at the moment it is definitely bad to worse.

Janey x

[Grey Kitty]

Actually that isn't want I was thinking at all 

Given that this is PI board, and you opened the can of worms, here are a few tough questions:

Do you think you are co-dependent?

What have you done to address it so far?

What else are you thinking of doing about it?

FYI, I was thinking about your original question about how long the depression would last... . and thinking that if you had previously been depressed, my best guess would be that this one would have a similar duration. How long did your prior depressed periods last?

[janey62]

Actually that isn't want I was thinking at all 

Given that this is PI board, and you opened the can of worms, here are a few tough questions:

Do you think you are co-dependent?

What have you done to address it so far?

What else are you thinking of doing about it?

FYI, I was thinking about your original question about how long the depression would last... . and thinking that if you had previously been depressed, my best guess would be that this one would have a similar duration. How long did your prior depressed periods last?

Hey Grey Kitty, I think we may have our wires crossed here?  Not sure what you mean by 'actually that isn't what I was thinking'? 

Anyway, to answer your questions, in no particular order... .

I've never suffered from severe depression, only mild to moderate.  I relate it to childhood traumas and my own emotional make-up.  In the past I've worked through being depressed in various ways.  Often my depression has been due to life's circumstances and not clinical so therapy has worked best for me.  I had post natal depression after my son was born and antidepressants and therapy worked well then, but at other times I have not found meds helpful.

What I've done is work on changing the circumstances whilst taking care of myself, exercise and good diet works well, as does talking and thinking and talking some more.  I intend to continue to try to grow and learn and feel better about myself and armed with this new experience of having a relationship with a pwBPD and all that means, I feel confident that changes are happening in how I have relationships with others.

I don't like the label co-dependent, or any label for that matter, and though I certainly do fit some of the diagnostic criteria, I also fit some for many other states of being and even some mental illnesses... . as do many of us.  When I was doing my degree we looked at the DSM-iv and v with eager interest, only to end up diagnosing ourselves with all kinds of mental illnesses because we fit some of the diagnostic criteria.  We learned from that that they were a diagnostic tool to be used sparingly and only by trained professionals and in conjunction with all the information. 

I know that I have my issues but I think of them as largely part of being a flawed human being and as a challenge to try heal them as far as possible.  I think one of the problems we have is that we are too ready to think there is a 'cure' for what ails us, a way to become whole and 'normal'.  There isn't a cure, any more than there is 'cure' for addiction or BPD.  We just learn to live better with what we have and to temper our behaviour with wisdom and common sense instead of just reacting.

I like this quote, it gives me hope that all I have to do is try to learn.

'Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished... .

If you're alive, it isn't.'  Richard Bach

Janey x

 

[janey62]

I have been feeling very down lately also.  I understand how you feel.

Take care of yourself Janey.  This will pass.   

Hi Popcorn,

Thanks for your supportive words.  I'm feeling lots better today.  Things are always changing I guess.

I'm incredibly lucky to be living in the most wonderful environment surrounded by forests and open moorland and endless places to walk my dogs and soak up nature.  It always helps me to walk and I've always done it when I was feeling low, just get out and walk.  Even when I lived in London I walked.  It's like meditation for me.  I also love walking when I'm happy 

Hope things are ok with you?

Janey xx

[Grey Kitty]

Hey Grey Kitty, I think we may have our wires crossed here?  Not sure what you mean by 'actually that isn't what I was thinking'? 

Oops, I guess so. I was referring to this:

I know how that sounds and what you're thinking is probably spot on - reeks of co-dependence or 'entangled relationships' as a counsellor friend of mine likes to call it.

It was a light statement, and not an important one... . moving right a long now... . in a few different directions.

If you haven't had a serious depression like this one before, history isn't much of a guide to how long this one will last. I was hoping for something to guide you there. Regardless, it will pass. It sounds like you know what sort of actions help your depression and try to do them (even though depression usually makes you not want to do them in most people I've observed).

It sounds 100% normal and healthy for your mood to improve significantly when you fall in love and start a new relationship. Equally so to have your mood decline when a relationship ends.

Identifying behavior you have that you would like to change is a lot more useful than looking for a label (like co-dependence).

One of the things I've done recently is read an audiobook, "Speaking Peace" by Marshall Rosenberg. I may get to a longer (but I believe similar) one of his called "Nonviolent Communications". He has some great suggestions on how to communicate with others (which fit well with the tools we learn here), and also talks about how to apply the same techniques in how you talk to yourself. or try to get yourself to change behaviors.

[janey62]

Actually, I'm not even sure this is depression.  It feels more like grieving than depression, a thought which had occurred to me but which got lost in all the feeling low and 'depressed'.  It's like grieving because I still love my exbf but can't be with him, he's out of my life and I didn't want it to be over but it just got so messed up that I had to get away. 

It feels like I felt when my mother died.  I am functioned but the light is off, the colour has gone and I keep coming back to this awful pulling feeling where I wish he was here then have to remind myself of why he's not and of why I can't go back, even though he keeps asking me to.

I'm getting on with my life though.  I've got a new job in a completely new kind of environment, but it's a temporary contract so going to interviews too.  Life goes on.

Thanks for those suggestions, I will look for those.  Do they come in book form?  I like to read; will look them up.

I guess what I'd like more than anything is a relationship that didn't end!  It is so exhausting and soul destroying to have to keep going through this loss and grieving.  I am learning so much from this one though and never give up hoping that I will be able to find the person I can spend the rest of my life with and then be capable of sustaining it... .

Getting myself to change behaviours is a challenge. I am quite impulsive, sensitive and emotional, a bad combo!  Sigh!

Janey x

[Grey Kitty]

He has a lot of regular books available.

I can personally say I really liked this audiobook, narrated by the author. I don't see a written version of it.

www.amazon.com/Speaking-Peace-Marshall-B-Rosenberg/dp/1591790778/

I'm sure his written books will be good too--he has a handful of them:

www.amazon.com/Marshall-B.-Rosenberg/e/B000APJPFG/

The first one is Nonviolent Communications... . and it looks like a good choice. I've got that one in audio format too, but haven't listened to it yet. A good friend described it as the "long version" and Speaking Peace as the "short version".

[Grey Kitty]

Also, I'd say that grieving time for an ended r/s is normal. (You would probably get interesting answers regarding how long is normal on the Leaving board)

All I can suggest is keep putting one foot in front of the other, and look at how you can do better than you did before. I found mindfulness meditation to be very helpful for me during difficult times.