Should I ask for a break?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been with my partner for a little over a year. I met her at our place of work (I no longer work there). When I first saw her I felt an immediate connection. I found out she was in a year and half long relationship. We began talking as friends, and she told me stories of her ex was very controlling and manipulative. I felt the need to rescue her, and she yoyo'd between the two of us for about a month. She ended up sleeping with me while still in a relationship with the other, and left her for me. Our relationship was amazing the first two or three months... And then I noticed she would have bursts of anger that resulted in her hitting me. I of course made things up and told myself it was nothing when this happened. (I should say that I have narcissistic injury, and I realized that I am very much a caregiver. I also sadly developed the ability to numb my pain when I'm hurt, so when we would argue like this, I would just numb it.) She began to withdraw from me, and making me feel as if she didn't trust me. I think it was at the point where I was telling her I wanted a break, and she suddenly turned everything around and began acting like she had in the first month. A new girl started working with her and she became obsessed with her. I'm talking texting first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I became controlling to ease her talking to this girl. I told her it wasn't normal. She retaliated. I began wondering about her ex and went to her Instagram to look at her page... only to accidentally follow her. On my birthday her ex reached out to her with a fake number and kept up a 'guess who' game all day. My girlfriend lied to me for an entire week about speaking to her. Seven months after we had gotten together, she left me for her. It was a month of hell. All of our bank, insurance, credit cards, phones had been intertwined (we lived together.) it was a month of separating, and then towards the end of that month I began to let go. I was moving on. She had logged into my Facebook and saw me talking to someone else. She got back into my head and made me fall for her again. She left her ex for me after a month. She came for a week with amazing sex. After that week, it's been her not being able to orgasm, even though we are both still doing the same things. It's her not being turned on. It's been 5 full months. It's her withdrawing completely from sex and intimacy. We still cuddle and hold hands and such, but beyond that it's nothing. The first month of her coming back, she began texting another new girl obsessively. It only stopped after I began texting someone to make her jealous. I have been increasingly fed up. I made a dating website account only to delete it the very same day bc her ex was on it too. I made a fake account and began talking to her ex. I didn't anticipate having as much as I did in common with her. I found out from her that my gf has BPD. My gf's mother called her and told her after they had broken up. I told her I couldn't speak to her any longer, and she realized it was me. We began comparing stories about my partner. I feel like she had it so much worse than I do. I feel that my gf does love me on a higher level than she loved her. But I also realize that my gf has jumped from relationship to relationship. And never seems to feel remorse for it. After a few days of talking, her ex and I realized we have feelings for one another. And after dealing with the emotional exhaustion that is my gf, talking to her was a breath of fresh air. But I don't know if walking away from my gf for a month or so to explore something with someone else is right or wrong. She's the first serious relationship I've had. (I'm 22. She's 27. Her ex is 27.) when I ask my gf why she's in love with me, she only ever says things about how I make her feel. Like "I love how you make me feel wanted." I've brought up her giving back what I give to her love-wise and she never changes anything. When I talk about therapy with her, she demands that I must go as well, and then adds in "it's probably not going to work or change anything."

I'm stuck. And I feel I'm going crazy. I just feel that if I walk away for a bit to clear my head and explore things I'll have a better understanding. I'm just terrified of losing her, and I think that's why I'm so scared to walk away. I do love her. So very much. And I'm willing to work on this with her, up to a limit. I wouldn't ever let myself stay in a violent situation (she hasn't hit me in over 7 or 8 months)... But I feel that I deserve to have a break. ?

[Confused-and-sad]

I've been with my partner for a little over a year. I met her at our place of work (I no longer work there). When I first saw her I felt an immediate connection. I found out she was in a year and half long relationship. We began talking as friends, and she told me stories of her ex was very controlling and manipulative. I felt the need to rescue her, and she yoyo'd between the two of us for about a month. She ended up sleeping with me while still in a relationship with the other, and left her for me. Our relationship was amazing the first two or three months... And then I noticed she would have bursts of anger that resulted in her hitting me. I of course made things up and told myself it was nothing when this happened. (I should say that I have narcissistic injury, and I realized that I am very much a caregiver. I also sadly developed the ability to numb my pain when I'm hurt, so when we would argue like this, I would just numb it.) She began to withdraw from me, and making me feel as if she didn't trust me. I think it was at the point where I was telling her I wanted a break, and she suddenly turned everything around and began acting like she had in the first month. A new girl started working with her and she became obsessed with her. I'm talking texting first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I became controlling to ease her talking to this girl. I told her it wasn't normal. She retaliated. I began wondering about her ex and went to her Instagram to look at her page... only to accidentally follow her. On my birthday her ex reached out to her with a fake number and kept up a 'guess who' game all day. My girlfriend lied to me for an entire week about speaking to her. Seven months after we had gotten together, she left me for her. It was a month of hell. All of our bank, insurance, credit cards, phones had been intertwined (we lived together.) it was a month of separating, and then towards the end of that month I began to let go. I was moving on. She had logged into my Facebook and saw me talking to someone else. She got back into my head and made me fall for her again. She left her ex for me after a month. She came for a week with amazing sex. After that week, it's been her not being able to orgasm, even though we are both still doing the same things. It's her not being turned on. It's been 5 full months. It's her withdrawing completely from sex and intimacy. We still cuddle and hold hands and such, but beyond that it's nothing. The first month of her coming back, she began texting another new girl obsessively. It only stopped after I began texting someone to make her jealous. I have been increasingly fed up. I made a dating website account only to delete it the very same day bc her ex was on it too. I made a fake account and began talking to her ex. I didn't anticipate having as much as I did in common with her. I found out from her that my gf has BPD. My gf's mother called her and told her after they had broken up. I told her I couldn't speak to her any longer, and she realized it was me. We began comparing stories about my partner. I feel like she had it so much worse than I do. I feel that my gf does love me on a higher level than she loved her. But I also realize that my gf has jumped from relationship to relationship. And never seems to feel remorse for it. After a few days of talking, her ex and I realized we have feelings for one another. And after dealing with the emotional exhaustion that is my gf, talking to her was a breath of fresh air. But I don't know if walking away from my gf for a month or so to explore something with someone else is right or wrong. She's the first serious relationship I've had. (I'm 22. She's 27. Her ex is 27.) when I ask my gf why she's in love with me, she only ever says things about how I make her feel. Like "I love how you make me feel wanted." I've brought up her giving back what I give to her love-wise and she never changes anything. When I talk about therapy with her, she demands that I must go as well, and then adds in "it's probably not going to work or change anything."

I'm stuck. And I feel I'm going crazy. I just feel that if I walk away for a bit to clear my head and explore things I'll have a better understanding. I'm just terrified of losing her, and I think that's why I'm so scared to walk away. I do love her. So very much. And I'm willing to work on this with her, up to a limit. I wouldn't ever let myself stay in a violent situation (she hasn't hit me in over 7 or 8 months)... But I feel that I deserve to have a break. ?

[Ritchie53]

Right I can relate to a lot of what you have said.

Be very concerned at the moment that you are heavily in devaluation stage. The ex is still in the frame and both of you are in placed in ideal positions on the triangle. The ex was inevitably painted black before you came along to rescue the BPD from her sea of trauma and all her life's issues and problems. You are now being devalued and there may possibly become a point where she will jump ship back with the ex and you will be the abuser, manipulator and the cause of her grief while the two of them ride off into the sunset.

I experienced this first hand, to the letter.  The ex keeping in contact shows that they still care - this is key and will be told to you at some point - that there are people that care. I can help you the best I can here, you must and it is an absolute must, try and remove the fear or as much of it as humanly possible to remove - the fear of losing her. If you can establish that you regain a semblance of control - remembering that at this stage it is about you. Start formulating an exit strategy i.e. have a network you can rely on - family, friends, therapists etc. Start reconnecting with hobbies and formulating life goals - have yourself at the forefront and the BPD, if she stays, as an addition to these. The possibility of her jumping ship back to the ex is very, very real, you must start protecting yourself NOW against this. She will not react well to this though and you have to be prepared for that, Its you that is important here because if you reach the final extinction burst and discard you will be devastated beyond belief and the road to recovery from that will be the hardest event emotionally you will have to deal with in your life.

I know this sounds scary, and I know exactly where you are and exactly how you are feeling at the moment. Focussing on yourself is the pre requisite to navigating this part, keep posting here, there are some very experienced Non's that will give invaluable guidance. To recap, stay strong and shift focus on yourself.

[Confused-and-sad]

Well I should point out that it was ME that reached out to her ex. Her ex has said she wouldn't get back with my gf, because she's done it twice and nothing would change. She (the ex) has feelings for me. And I have feelings for her. We agreed to stop talking because it was just confusing things. She thinks that if anyone has a shot of making my gf see someone for her BPD, it's me. My gf has denied help on 3 different occasions now. I will be the 4th attempt. I've already experienced how it feels to lose her. I'm no stranger when it comes to the pain of her leaving suddenly and pretending she never felt anything for me. I just don't know if it's a valid want for me to maybe want a break...