Being called an abuser

[BacknthSaddle]

I want to know if this is an experience others have shared.

I work in the same institution as my exBPDgf.  About 8 months ago, a colleague of hers made a significant mistake.  I went to where the two of them work to register my upset about the mistake.  I yelled at the colleague (ex wasn't there at the time) in an admittedly inappropriate/unprofessional manner, for which I apologized later that day. When the colleague left and my ex came back, I asked her to explain to me what happened exactly and why.

Later that day and for the next week, she told me how horrible I had been, how I had belittled her and humiliated her at work, and she called me an abuser.  I had not actually yelled at her (in fact, she was not even in the room when I was yelling), but I started to wonder if I was remembering wrong.  Also, I had already apologized.  I made the point that I was sincerely sorry and I realized my mistake and would not let it happen again, and I was told that that's what abusers say, that I was using the language of abusers. This went on for a week: how could I do that to someone I loved, I was an abuser, she had been with plenty of abusers before and wasn't going to go that way again, etc.  I felt tremendous guilt and shame and wondered if she was right, even though at this point my memory of what occurred was completely cloudy. 

I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back it occurs to me that this should have been a sign to me that I was with a personality disordered individual.  Instead, I spent all my mental energy trying to repair things and questioning if I really was what she said I was.  Have other people had this experience?  Do people believe these kinds of accusations to be typical of BPD?

I should point out that we patched things up for awhile, but when I brought up that she had called me that months before and perhaps it was overly harsh, she would refuse to discuss it. 

[corraline]

Hi Back in the saddle

I have been called an abuser often by my ex as well... . along with alot of other nasty things.

It seemed i was an abuser once when i was quite sick with a cough that kept me up all night. I slept on the couch to avoid disturbing him.  The next day i was very very tired and unwell and apologized saying that i was tired and a little "off" that day due to how I was feeling. I admit i was a little cranky but apologized.  He did his silent treatment after that weekend on me and when he finally did talk to me he said I abused him all weekend and he wasn't going to take that kind of treatment.  I was so horribly hurt and shocked.  First of all to be honest i was shocked at how uncaring he was when i did not feel well all weekend   !  His daughter suggested he make me some chicken soup to get well, i got dumped and called names instead.  I spent alot of time trying to recall what my behavior was really like and to see if there was something that i really did that was hurtful. Im sure i wasn't wonderful company but ABUSER ? No, i wasn't abusive.  I was sick and extremely tired. But it was always like that... . anything where i wasn't at my best was an inconvenience to him and he always turned it around to try to make me feel bad for it and only considered how it affected him. Selfish and uncaring person. The only time he was ever caring and showed any concern and help was if it was an opportunity for him to shine.  ie (something that he could be involved in where he looked good or had something profound to say in the matter)

Try not to go over and over where you may have gone wrong. If you felt that you were in your integrity and doing the best you could of the situation, don't let her try and tell you otherwise.

I found myself always questioning everything i did if i got a negative reaction from him... because most of the time it did not make sense. When i tried to talk about it with him most of the time i got the story that i didn't have the ability to see myself clearly but he did... . I rarely could do anything right.

[Allmessedup]

I don't know that what happened is typical but I can see both sides.

If she would have gone off on one of your colleagues would you not have felt humiliated if the relationship was known in the office?

And isn't yelling innapropriately verbal abuse?

I don't say this to condemn you nor am I saying that you are an "abuser"

But I am pointing out that people with BPD feel emotions more strongly than most people without would feel.

My ex would often say things that were hurtful to me in a similar fashion.  For a long time I struggled with that.  I felt full of shame and guilt because I did not see myself that way and sure as heck did not want to.

But when I looked closely at myself, I saw that what she said was indeed true... . my actions at the time were controlling, manipulative etc. 

The difference is that is not who I am, simply how I reacted. 

She however was unable to differentiate between the two because of the BPD.

[BacknthSaddle]

Thanks Allmessedup,

There is certainly truth to what you say.  Thank you for your reply.  To clarify: the relationship was not known in the office.  But, yes, I agree, the difference between who I was and how I reacted was not possible for her to see. 

[Allmessedup]

.  But, yes, I agree, the difference between who I was and how I reacted was not possible for her to see. 

.  I haven't read your story, but I know from experience it is important to realize this during the process.  You made mistakes too... . we all did, but that does not define who YOU are.  Looking at why you reacted the way you did or why you stayed will get you much farther than trying to figure out what she was thinking... .

But I know it's so hard!

[seeking balance]

  Instead, I spent all my mental energy trying to repair things and questioning if I really was what she said I was.  Have other people had this experience? 

Most admitted mistakes by me were used against me often - eventually I came to believe them as true at times.

Do people believe these kinds of accusations to be typical of BPD?

Looking at the disorder itself (depersonalize this) the behavior you describe could be consistent.  Black/white thinking extremes "all good or all bad" are patterns of thought/behavior consistent with BPD.

Additionally, pwBPD attach themselves to people (you) so when you act "bad" then it may push the "I must be bad" button.  So as a defense mechanism, making sure all the bad stays with you is what is used - projection.

Most of us stay and are hooked because the accusations are rooted in a version of the "truth". Combined with our own issues (usually FOO) this relationship can become toxic to us.

BPD is not a single incident - it is a pattern of behavior over time.  Boundaries are slowly eroded if one is not aware of what is happening.

Peace,

SB

[pinkparchment]

My ex told me that she'd been in a lot of controlling, very abusive relationships. We had one fight where she called me a name for saying that I felt invalidated (I was worrying about something she felt like was not a big deal, but it was to me) and asked her not to put me down because my priorities were different from hers. She sent me a snide e-mail saying I was a (derogatory word) but she loved me anyway (said she was "joking" later). I shot back an equally snide email telling her she was acting like an irresponsible adolescent, literally sleeping and dicking around all day for weeks when she had several hugely overdue issues/projects looming over her and not to make me feel stupid for caring about this project.

She went to practice and came home and obnoxiously posted a suuuuuuuper chirpy status about how (her sport) makes everything better and she was feeling soo happy (million smiley faces). I didn't want to text her, but I did because I didn't want her to feel abandoned. I was still irritated and thought I was putting effort into understanding her. Something along the lines of, Hey, if you're really feeling great after derby I'm going to bed, but I don't want you to feel abandoned and I'm willing to call, I love you. She said "I'm fine." So I went to bed.

She called the next day and said she couldn't be in this relationship because I was turning into a "bhity girlfriend" and she was really scared to get in another "abusive" relationship. She couldn't be with someone who "flew off the handle" when she got mad. I said that wasn't even a "fight" as far as I was concerned. It was two people being a relationship stressed and snapping at eachother. I said I couldn't be in a relationship where I wasn't allowed to be a human being and be forgiven for the things I said impulsively. Truth be told I was extremely restrained trying to be considerate of her feelings.

Having been in a relationship for almost ten years, I know people are not always super nice to eachother every minute of the day. There's no walking on eggshells, there are no real hurt feelings over one sentence e-mails. I couldn't believe that she could take my loving behavior over the previous months and with our FIRST fight, the FIRST mean thing I said (which was absolutely true, although admittedly unkind), brand me a *&!@$ and an abuser. Even though she'd instigated it.

Actually, thoughout our relationship she was pretty much allowed to say anything she wanted and I wasn't allowed to react with any negative emotion at all without being guilted. Despite me taking care of her ALL the damn time, she would say "I'm giving you everything, I just keep giving, I'm so tired of giving... . " (as I was giving up my marriage, time with my kids, my faith, my relationship with my parents, etc etc). And if I said, "well by all means STOP giving, I had no idea being with me was such a bleeping sacrifice for you" she was like "You can't act like this, you're hurting me, THIS HURTS ME." Basically defending myself and pointing out the major gaps in reason in whatever she was saying was hurting her. BPD.

The last time I saw her in person she told me she had met someone, which she hadn't, just to get a reaction out of me and told me she didn't want me to visit in a couple of weeks as planned. She kept saying bs obviously recited from her friends, "You're never going to commit to me if you keep having your cake and eating it too." "I wanted you to realize that if you don't make a decision you're going to lose me, maybe forever."  She made me seem greedy for not deciding in a month long period to make the biggest decision of my life that would change every single thing for every other person who matters to me in this world.

She couldn't wrap her brain around it. Thought I was having a ton of fun living with my estranged husband and seeing her too, having my kids ask both their parents why they are crying all the time. There was no cake being had or eaten, but she could. not. get. that. Thought I was selfish.

The funny thing is, the two times that she pushed me away probably would have made all the difference. I was using our later visits to build up my confidence, to test the waters and be sure. I would have left. I guess it's a good thing she decided I was a selfish user and abuser, because I can see now that would have been the worst decision of my life. I can thank these boards for giving me a picture of what my future would have been like.

[Madison66]

BacknthSaddle,

I'm sorry you had to deal with this and I can totally relate.  During my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf, she tried to use the abuse card on me a number of times.  It was part of the screwed up reality that she was selling and sadly I was buying.  The truth is that she was verbally/emotionally abusive to me and it turned physical in the end. 

I can easily say that I'm not proud of how I acted or reacted in the relationship.  At the same time, I was in "fight mode" especially during the last year of the r/s where I allowed this person to obliterate my boundaries and had me questioning who I was as a person, partner, father, etc.  We were living different realities.  Hers was one of "power over" and mine was one of "personal power".  Patricia Evans talks about this in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship".  There was also a great deal of projecting going on. 

My ex gf experienced sexual abuse in HS at the hands of a female coach.  She refused to deal with the pain and shame of the events along with her feelings of abandonment of her parents in not protecting her and/or listening to her after.  My ex gf then turned into the abuser in her adult r/s.  PD or no PD, the cycle of abuse continued in her life and I unfortunately found myself in the middle of it.  I see it so clearly now where I didn't understand it while it was going down.  Again, I see her comments to me about me being an abuser or being abusive when I would fight back (meaning stand-up for myself and never getting physical!).  It was crazy making behavior and I often bought into it even when I'd be in front of my T and she'd almost being jumping up and down on her chair yelling "you are not an abuser!"

So, while I see the abuse and my role in it I clearly know that I was/am not an abuser.  Furthermore, I feel so empowered in life that I chose to finally turn the focus to "me" and break the cycle of abuse by leaving the r/s.  I am accountable and in control of "me".  It is totally normal and healthy to look back and question things that our PD ex's said to us, especially when they claimed we were abusers.  I believe you know the answer now and you knew it then.  Turn the focus to "you" work on your healing and detachment.  What matters is what's in your heart and how you want to live your life = free of abuse, dysfunction and pain... .