My best friend decided she was tired of waiting for me to tell her about me and my ex so she just sat down in my office and said she knew (she was a mutual friend, though *much* closer to me). So far I'd split up my life issues: I told her I'd been separated and saw someone for awhile (I referred to him as a guy), and she knew my ex, as my best friend, had stopped talking to me entirely. I didn't keep it from her because she's judgemental or anything, but because I was embarrassed because my ex is such an open wreck and getting into this situation was so very uncharacteristic and unwise of me. And because I knew the ex got on her nerves.
So I finally hashed out the story, filled in the gaps if you will. As I did so I heard how ridiculous the story really was, how far I went for her, how much I did for her, how vulnerable I made myself, how impatient she was with me, how shallow her love was, how shallow her empathy, and how blinded I was by the chemical lust and irrational desperation. My ex made me feel like some cigar-smoking ass stringing along a naive mistress all the while never intending to commit. She thought the decision to get divorced should be easy, the "kids would be fine, they love me!" she said.
It was so englightening to have someone rational and wise reflect and validate the importance of my family and thinking of their well-being, and acknowledge my doubts about her suitability as a parent, my fears about bonding with the donor children she wanted to bear and taking on a more detached role in that process that feels unnatural to me. She said she was just surprised that someone as responsible and level headed would get so invested in someone so child-like who fell in love left and right, who disrespected me by texting other girls (exes and interests) in front of me, who tried to make me jealous.
I was able to objectively step outside my feelings for a little minute and view the situation. It makes no sense. I felt like I was destroyed, that I would never be happy again, that the fact that she wouldn't take me back after she split me black meant I was worthless and rejected. Now I see that I have everything she's ever wanted, which is why she probably pressured me so urgently to get a divorce. In her head she was just photoshopping her head onto his. Despite what's been going on in my head and with my emotions--I have everything I need in life, and she's not on the list. I don't need her to be happy, I was happy before and will be happy again.
Feel very refreshed and clear-headed.
