How do you deal with a BPDw when her actions spill over into YOUR work life

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So... . I have a fairly public job... government.  Several months ago there were a couple dysregulations where my uBPDw (that means undiagnosed... right?) threatened to "get me" and called 911.  Oddly enough once she was on the phone she backpedaled a bit... and "just wanted to tell someone" that I was out of control, mad, a jerk... whatever.  No cars were dispatched.

Of course the issue was forgotten... . no resolution.

I choose not to mention it to anyone.  But figured there would be a "leak" or that people would start talking about it.  And they have... .

"Hey... people are wondering why there were two 911 calls from your house"... . was a discussion today in my office.  Discussion with one of my bosses... .

I should have practiced a better response... . but essentially said that was my wife's choice to call and that I did not interfere with the call and I did not believe there was a reason to call.  No mention of BPD, fault or anything.

Public perception is a big part of my job. 

Any thoughts on how to proceed.  I obviously need to think this through... .   It may never come up again... but most likely will. 

[formflier]

So... . I have a fairly public job... government.  Several months ago there were a couple dysregulations where my uBPDw (that means undiagnosed... right?) threatened to "get me" and called 911.  Oddly enough once she was on the phone she backpedaled a bit... and "just wanted to tell someone" that I was out of control, mad, a jerk... whatever.  No cars were dispatched.

Of course the issue was forgotten... . no resolution.

I choose not to mention it to anyone.  But figured there would be a "leak" or that people would start talking about it.  And they have... .

"Hey... people are wondering why there were two 911 calls from your house"... . was a discussion today in my office.  Discussion with one of my bosses... .

I should have practiced a better response... . but essentially said that was my wife's choice to call and that I did not interfere with the call and I did not believe there was a reason to call.  No mention of BPD, fault or anything.

Public perception is a big part of my job. 

Any thoughts on how to proceed.  I obviously need to think this through... .   It may never come up again... but most likely will. 

[waverider]

It is hard as there are two factors you cant control and are only made worse if you try and that is your wife, and public perception. If it was simply coworkers you could just simple tell it the way it is. The public though will think what they will, and unfortunately are attracted to "scandal".

Obvious spin and cover up only makes things worse. Demands on your partner only highlights your weakness, making these issues target

The best you can do is control how you feel about it, worrying and stressing over what might happen and being constantly on guard will not not make your life pleasant. Just live your life in a healthy confident way, and people will see you for your actions. Meddling with the behavior of others will link you to it and make you seem more responsible for it. Much of the behavior of BPD is to get you to join in the craziness by causing a reaction. Trying to combat or control it usually results in this very consequence.

[Grey Kitty]

Well, at least you have a chance to work on your story while it is just coworkers and not the press!

My only experience is being embarrassed by how my wife behaves in front of or to other people I know... . so I'll advise from that point of view, as I think it will likely work best. Aside: My wife never did anything to "get" me using other people. I just had normal dysregulated episodes.

And in that context, I didn't draw any attention to her behavior. If somebody did ask me, I tried to be truthful, and restrict myself to speaking of my wife's behavior, and avoid talking about her intentions or any mental health diagnosis or label.

Really coming to believe that I wasn't responsible for her behavior in any way helped.

[formflier]

 

I should have added that i stammered through a statement of I was responsible for my actions and my wife is responsible for hers.

Who knows if anything will come of this... and at this point that is probably not something I will or can control.

Thanks for advice on living my life in a confident manner... . I'm about 4 months into knowledge of Bpd... . and I can tell everyone that the "strategies" on this board... . in "Eggshells" book and other places really do help.

The level of craziness is less.  I'm definitely still in the stop the bleeding stage.


Hey... . back to the comment about doing thing "in front of other people".  Do you think if you had good knowledge of responses that actions like this could have been "nipped in the bud".  So far... . for me... . BPD in fairly private.  911 calls being my first exception.  Walking out of church after a threat being maybe second.  However... . I was calm... . my wife was not... . but I am not sure if it attracted attention.  I didn't follow up or check... . just left after whispered threats in my ear of "marriage being over" (longer story on another post if interested). 

So... I suppose I am lucky that is it not more public. 

Grey Kitty:  Can you give examples of things that people asked your about... . in the off chance that my wife has been doing things but I haven't noticed or "counted" them as episodes.  Trying not to "count" too much... . but most are hard to not remember.

[waverider]

Having handy little statements that will nip it in the bud is being a little hopeful. Drama is going to happen. Using validation and SET and other handy tools just oils the works, but they wont make a faulty mechanism work normally. They are just an attempt to not make it any worse than it needs to be.

Working on how you are going to feel and react when things do go pear shaped is probably the main step. Its not your wife's behavior that is going to define you, rather your reaction to it, and that is something you can learn to control with dignity. It will also help put you back into empathy mode rather than resentment mode

Hoping to prevent drama is going to put you back on eggshells and set yourself up for failure.

[formflier]

 

Good perspective... .

Looking for thoughts on this... .

I see some of BPD behavior as being like this.  If you really want it to stop... you have to act like it is not a big deal and doesn't matter (as in give no reaction).  So... . complaining about public consequences "validates" in their mind that they got a reaction from you and they will likely do it again.  If you calmly enforce a boundary, walk away... . take a time out... . but then press on with "normal" life... . this may leave them frustrated by not getting a reaction and they will most likely change tactics.

Is that the right way to process it?

[waverider]

To a degree, but things that cross important boundaries should not be ignored completely. But you are correct in saying don't be reactive. Many of these major issues have happened before and are reoccurring, so you need to work out where the real line in the sand needs to be and what action you should do as a consequence. Try to avoid "winging it' reactively. They are better at this than you (more practice plus no rules of conduct, nor hindered by truths).

If something is new it is often best not to give an instant reaction, but process it and work out what the real issue or importance is. Sometimes it seems worse because they hit a sensitive trigger. Reacting will flag this and it will get filed away as a useful weakness. The issue to be adressed is not the obvious one on the surface.

So yes, if in doubt hold your tongue and preplan consequencies to actions.

Dont worry if you miss stuff, or mess up, you will get plenty of chances to practice and you wont resolve them all.

Sometimes there's nothing to do but don the tin hat and hide in the basement until the Hurricane passes, then fix up things later.

You wont fix, or control, BPD, but you can learn to live around it better. Life is never perfect but as it gets progressively better you feel like you are on a worthwhile path

[formflier]

Good stuff... . I have definitely got it in my mind that I don't need to enforce any boundaries that I am not willing to be consistent with.  So... . that falls in line with thinking things through.

I am still struggling with how to explain what I'm doing with boundaries... . and so far i usually don't explain and my tries to explain haven't worked or backfired.

I tried mass emails to the family explaining why I bolted from a family event.  Wife was on chain. 

Didn't go well.

Any thoughts.  Feels weird to do things and not explain

To a degree, but things that cross important boundaries should not be ignored completely. But you are correct in saying don't be reactive. Many of these major issues have happened before and are reoccurring, so you need to work out where the real line in the sand needs to be and what action you should do as a consequence. Try to avoid "winging it' reactively. They are better at this than you (more practice plus no rules of conduct, nor hindered by truths).

If something is new it is often best not to give an instant reaction, but process it and work out what the real issue or importance is. Sometimes it seems worse because they hit a sensitive trigger. Reacting will flag this and it will get filed away as a useful weakness. The issue to be adressed is not the obvious one on the surface.

So yes, if in doubt hold your tongue and preplan consequencies to actions.

Dont worry if you miss stuff, or mess up, you will get plenty of chances to practice and you wont resolve them all.

Sometimes there's nothing to do but don the tin hat and hide in the basement until the Hurricane passes, then fix up things later.

You wont fix, or control, BPD, but you can learn to live around it better. Life is never perfect but as it gets progressively better you feel like you are on a worthwhile path

[waverider]

Explanations, lead to denials and can push you into JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), you can then slip into uncertainty and off the the moral ground towards compromise. Actions are simply just self evident. Any explanations should be just general and core reasons. like "that sort of behavior makes me uncomfortable so I am removing myself from it, and will continue to do so as long as it continues". Dont keep repeating yourself, she heard.

Don't bother with the rest of the family, and your wife will be triggered by perceived betrayal. Generally it is all just too hard for family to get involved, so it rarely works and can back fire. You had to live through it and study it endlessly to get even a grasp on it, someone who is not living it will rarely really get it. It will frustrate you trying.

If they ask just a simplistic explanation is fine. I know this is hard, it is a temptation I constantly struggle with, the need to have "allies", but really that is my weakness.

[formflier]

Should have explained family a bit.  They are living with it... my kids.  I have several teenagers and kids old enough to have email.

She has the habit of telling the daddy did such and such because... . fill in the blank... usually negative etc

So... I emailed everyone that I left because I don't deal with threats of ending a relationship.  

Didn't get into details.  I emailed wife and kids on same email.

I have tried to state my actions to entire group and usually get talked over... . never get my point out.  That kind of thing.

So... for the future I'm still trying to figure out how I will deal with leaving an event if there is another "do such and such or our marriage is over"

That is one of the boundaries I have decided on... . that I don't do threats.  So far my impression is that she may be getting that... . because the threats have dropped.

Explanations, lead to denials and can push you into JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), you can then slip into uncertainty and off the the moral ground towards compromise. Actions are simply just self evident. Any explanations should be just general and core reasons. like "that sort of behavior makes me uncomfortable so I am removing myself from it, and will continue to do so as long as it continues". Dont keep repeating yourself, she heard.

Don't bother with the rest of the family, and your wife will be triggered by perceived betrayal. Generally it is all just too hard for family to get involved, so it rarely works and can back fire. You had to live through it and study it endlessly to get even a grasp on it, someone who is not living it will rarely really get it. It will frustrate you trying.

If they ask just a simplistic explanation is fine. I know this is hard, it is a temptation I constantly struggle with, the need to have "allies", but really that is my weakness.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi FormFlier,

I read your posts with interest as I face similar issues. The boundary between personal and work space gets crossed constantly. It adds on stress having to deal with work/people issues, and deal with BPD related issues at the same time. Someone mentioned to me about EAP and how it helped him, after he attended individual counseling. It's not easy explaining the situation to family and friends, let alone work colleagues.

Just sharing some of my thoughts:

- never put yourself in a position that may harm you or anyone. For example, after an outburst you didn't get any rest, if your job requires to operate machinery, priority is to get rest and medical leave rather than risk an accident. I had close shaves when driving and messed up at work.

- tell it as it is but not necessary to paint SO black. I felt I didn't have to give much details or mention BPD, it wasn't their business to know anyway and I wouldn't like my spouse telling others about our arguments.

- "fake it till you make it". Focus on your job at work, no matter what happens at home, act like everything's normal and don't let it affect you. This is easier said than done for me, but it does makes sense. Like if we are thinking about work at home, it doesn't help anyway.

- don't blame yourself, because you didn't cause the problem,.

Last point is that it took me some time to come to terms that uBPDw felt that that she was less important than my job, which of course isn't true, and her "problems" were ignored. It was like a child's tantrum, getting back at someone because they didn't give what she wanted. I have been trying to work on addressing this as it's the source of the problem, not the work.

[hergestridge]

Formflier, i also have a govermental job and I know I could be in the public eye. When it became obvious how severe my wive's issues was (this was a couple of years ago) and undertook a couple of security meassures:

1. removed my wife from the list of "relatives" to call if somethings happens to me at work or to my daughter. My mother's phone number now is on that list instead.

2. told my boss at work that my wife has an mentall illness which means she has limited ability to make good judgments and take care of her child. This is good for my boss to know, not only as an explanation why I can't work overtime (being basically a single parent) but it's also good to know that my wife has mental health issues so severe that she's sometimes instututionalized. Wive's normally aren't.

God know what can happen.

When she's been at her most dysregulated and painted me black she's been very condescending towards me and my job as she sees me as some kind of person of power that she got some kind of hold on (a complete fantasy a might add).

[duncanville1]

formflier;

As a former cop, and dealing with other officers who had similar issues as yourself, here are my thoughts. Be upfront with the supervision chain as to whats going on BEFORE you are having to explain to officers at your house on a domestic call. Ideally this is also the reason I recommend police officers do not live in the city they work if possible. Helps break up things that happen at home turning into things that affect your job...

[formflier]

and if you were the chief of police or the Sheriff?

I'm not... but the relationship is similar.

formflier;

As a former cop, and dealing with other officers who had similar issues as yourself, here are my thoughts. Be upfront with the supervision chain as to whats going on BEFORE you are having to explain to officers at your house on a domestic call. Ideally this is also the reason I recommend police officers do not live in the city they work if possible. Helps break up things that happen at home turning into things that affect your job...

[duncanville1]

Well you still have superiors such as a city manager. In a position that high, a family violence charge would probably end ones career, even if you were never convicted. I hate to say you may need to choose your career or your marriage.

[formflier]

Exactly... .

Now you are getting the picture that I'm working through... .

Well you still have superiors such as a city manager. In a position that high, a family violence charge would probably end ones career, even if you were never convicted. I hate to say you may need to choose your career or your marriage.

[nolisan]

I'm generally on the Leaving and Inventory boards but this struck a chord wrt to a big mistake I made.

My exBPDgf had a hard time holding a job despite being smart and educated. I led a small non-profit org and we had need of a facilitator to lead our people through some planning sessions. She had the skills (she was always bragging about them). So I suggested her while disclosing the relationship. A win/win?

First off she gave a quote - her rates were sky high (greedy considering this was a struggling non-profit). The board accepted.

She had shifted into the devaluation phase. I was clinging - not knowing the disease - hoping for a return to good times.

The day before our all day weekend session she bailed and was hyper-critical of our org and my leadership. OUCH! Outright nasty! My credibility took a hit. I apologized for suggesting her.

A big reminder ":)on't mix pleasure with business especially when there is BPD involved".

[formflier]

Wow... that must have been tough.  Luckily... . I doubt a situation like that would ever come up.  I take her to social things that are involved with my work... . lots of public events and speaking... . but that is the limit of it.

I'm generally on the Leaving and Inventory boards but this struck a chord wrt to a big mistake I made.

My exBPDgf had a hard time holding a job despite being smart and educated. I led a small non-profit org and we had need of a facilitator to lead our people through some planning sessions. She had the skills (she was always bragging about them). So I suggested her while disclosing the relationship. A win/win?

First off she gave a quote - her rates were sky high (greedy considering this was a struggling non-profit). The board accepted.

She had shifted into the devaluation phase. I was clinging - not knowing the disease - hoping for a return to good times.

The day before our all day weekend session she bailed and was hyper-critical of our org and my leadership. OUCH! Outright nasty! My credibility took a hit. I apologized for suggesting her.

A big reminder ":)on't mix pleasure with business especially when there is BPD involved".