Where to begin

[hopeful356]

hello, I have a newly found brother (he was adopted out at about 6 months) that has BPD. he has not been diagnosed. I simply figured this out after the crazy beautiful reunion we had that lasted about 6 months. We connected so strongly and clicked like we were twins separated at birth. I feel in love with all the love and attention and closeness that we shared immediately. it really did feel to good to be true, so i should have known, something was awry.

Now he barely wants to talk to me.he has faded away slowly in the last 2 months i decided to research and when i stumbled across the BPD info, there was no hesitation in my mind that this is my brother. I believe that for 6 months I was all good to him and now I am viewed as bad or insignificant. this has been heartbreaking, as I'm sure you all know. I gave him my whole heart and shared so much of myself and really thought i had a brother that would love me and support me forever, as well as me for him. I don't have alot of family to rely on and share with so finding my brother... . rather he finding us, was a dream come true for me. Don't know where to go from here.

[peaceplease]

hopeful356,

  I am sorry about your relationship with your brother.  Do you have other siblings?  What is the relationship with your parent/parents? 

Does your brother live far from you?

  We have a wealth of information here.  Please let us know how we can best support you.

Please share some more of your story.

peaceplease

[hopeful356]

peaceplease... . thank you so much for your immediate response! I have one sister, who has agoraphobia and literally almost never leaves the house. My mom and my sister live nearby. my brother is 3 hours away from us. he and i are the closest. I am much more open and free with my love than my sister and my mom. thats not to say that my mom isn't caring or shows she cares in other ways,to my brother, but it's harder for her.

my brother had a traumatizing childhood and has been searching for my mom since he was 19. he just found us last august and is now 43. he loved/longed for my mom so much so that both of his kids were named after her 22 and 16 years ago, before he ever laid eyes on her.

when we reunited, he was happy and open and we visited constantly and texted constantly. he became such a pivotal part of my life. He was so happy and so was i and I thought we both felt like we needed each other our whole lives and now we have that someone in our lives who will always be there to care and share and support. then it began to fade, slowly at first and then about 4 weeks ago, almost abruptly. he didn't want to talk and was easily offended and began to be very critical when he would talk. i miss him so much and i feel he doesn't want to stop all contact but definitely will keep us at a safe distance. i want to learn how to help him and understand him.

I have mentioned to him that i think i know why he struggles so much and i will help him in anyway i can but he has no desire for me to tell him what disorder he "may" have whatsoever. i say may because that is how i worded it to him but i am absolute that he does. It's like reading the story of his life when i review all the BPD info. i'm basing that on what he has told me he struggles with and what i have experienced myself with him. he was always dx adhd when he did go to get help in the past.

Sorry so much info! I need to know what message board would be best for me and I want to learn how to be what he needs and not push him away. I realize i can't save him but i sure want to be the person that never left him, which is almost always his experience. i know now, they didn't have a chance to love him, due to his own demons forcing others away. any and all suggestions are greatly appreciated... . books etc... . thanks in advance!

[GeekyGirl]

Hi hopeful356,

It can be very heartbreaking to have a relative with BPD. I'm sorry that you've been having difficulties with your brother--I know that it can be painful. At the same time, you're in the right place to find information to work on your relationship with him and take care of yourself.

Telling someone that you suspect that he/she has BPD can be tricky. Sometimes it's best to focus on the behaviors and how you respond to them, rather than to try to help them see their dysfunction. You've mentioned that he's cut you off. The silent treatment is a tool that sometimes people use to avoid dealing with conflict (you might want to check out BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.).

How are you doing? How can we best support you?

[PrettyPlease]

I need to know what message board would be best for me and I want to learn how to be what he needs and not push him away. I realize i can't save him but i sure want to be the person that never left him, which is almost always his experience. i know now, they didn't have a chance to love him, due to his own demons forcing others away. any and all suggestions are greatly appreciated... . books etc... . thanks in advance!

I think this board is probably the right one, and, since it sounds like you want this relationship to last for the long haul (if possible), in addition to the link GeekyGirl gave you I'll recommend the whole gamut of the lessons that are linked in the upper right-hand corner; particularly "Lesson 2: Understanding BPD behaviours" which has, in addition to the silent treatment-verbal abuse link, a Splitting link (which explains the 'all-good' then 'all-bad' trait), a Projection link (about how you may be blamed for things the pwBPD sees in themself), and several others that you may find equally important.




PP

[livednlearned]

Hi hopeful356,

Your post reminded me of my dearest friend -- she's a bio mom to a child who was put up for adoption. They reunited 15 years ago, and some of the behaviors you describe sound similar to what she experienced when she reunited with her son. He was in his 20s.

There is a book called Primal Wound that might help you understand the psychological and emotional experiences your brother might be going through. We have a book review here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=207701.0

The Primal Wound is a book which is revolutionizing the way we think about adoption. In its application of information about pre- and perinatal psychology, attachment, bonding, and loss, it clarifies the effects of separation from the birth mother on adopted children. In addition, it gives those children, whose pain has long been unacknowledged or misunderstood, validation for their feelings, as well as explanations for their behavior.

Although difficult to read because of the emotion it evokes in all members of the adoption triad, it nevertheless rings true and can be a great help in acknowledging, understanding, and validating the wounds created by the trauma of separation between mother and child. This understanding can help all members of the triad. It can provide validation for the experiences and feelings of adoptees, who have often felt misunderstood; it can bring solace to birth mothers, who have long been denied the truth of their loss; and it can be a source of information for adoptive parents, so that they can better understand and respond to their children.

Since its original publication in 1993, The Primal Wound has become a classic in adoption literature and is considered the adoptees’ bible. The insight which is brought to the experiences of abandonment and loss will contribute not only to the healing of adoptees, adoptive families, and birth parents, but will bring understanding and encouragement to anyone who has ever felt abandoned.

LnL