Hi Sadsue,
it sounds like a hopeless situation but then maybe with a few changes you can turn it around? I tried to identify a few well known patters in your post that are quite common (and all to well known to myself )
My husband opened up last night and I don't know what to think, no matter how hard I try nothing I ever do is good enough for him, if I do 99 jobs out of 100 in a day he will still come home and criticise me for the 1 job not done.
Are you telling him this or are you working on going from 99% perfect to 99.5% perfect? If he wants to play perfectionist tell him you can't live up to his standards (validation) and refuse to do so (boundaries).
He picks fights over the most ridiculous things and I am in a no win situation.
Last night he said he was struggling to get any motivation in life, he says he knows he has it all yet still isn't happy. He said that the other day he was thinking of the perfect life and knows that still wouldn't make him happy. I asked what he thinks would make him happy, his answer... . Death! That's an awful thing to hear from the person you love, although not the first time I've heard it :-(
Yeah, he is depressed and he is not holding back . So what could you have done different? Not asking what he could do to fix it may be a first step. Yes it sounds counter-intuitive but it is his job to find a way out of his blues. Trying to be helpful just puts you into a position that is easy to irritate and blame. And pulling you down is so much easier than pulling himself up and so what does he do... .
He said that the only bit of emotion he has is for his daughter (not my daughter) and he doesn't have any left for anyone else! That obviously includes me! I was so upset but didn't show it but a lightbulb moment happened.
I have realised that he must feel guilty for not having any emotion or time left for me and in order to rid himself of the guilt he picks fights so that in his mind he can justify ignoring me for days on end, this way he doesn't feel guilty.
Not feeling emotions is a sign of dysregulation which would also be consistent with his irritability.
But where do I stand, do I keep quiet and hope it will pass, do I take this as he has no room in his head to love me?
We have only been married a short while but I feel as though the moment the ring was on the effort stopped. He doesn't seem interested in making me happy he doesn't seem bothered about my feelings and doesn't have any interest in me in general.
You can't make him love you. Trying to do so will make you just unhappy. He needs "unhappy" emotions around him to validate his own blues. It is a lot less painful to tell him that he "is depressed and feeling like sh**" or whatever than to let him hurt you.
I love this man and want him to be my husband, friend, companion, lover! Am I asking too much. I am trying to be patient in the hope his feelings will return, then I think if he is so unhappy and if it's me why doesn't he leave.
I can be patient but I don't want my whole life to be like that, I have started thinking how great it would be to have a man who shows his love, thinks I am worth some effort, treats me like a princess, has fun with me, but I don't want a new man, I want him to be that man.
Have you tried being quiet and having patience? Did it work so far? Can you love someone who is so quiet that the person is hard to notice with all the drama in your head - don't think I could. This is walking on eggshells and we all have been there. You are married to a conflict prone person. He may learn to be better over time but it will never be without conflicts. You can't avoid conflict but you can manage them wisely - avoid the ones worth avoiding and engaging in the ones worth fighting without creating additional drama. It may be worth reflecting on your personal attitude towards conflict - a lot of people here on the board shy away from it when they arrive here and their boundaries suffer from it severely.
An alternative strategy could be validating his negative emotions so he is less upset and has more capacity for emotions. You can't make him love you (he may love you a lot when he is not busy hating you) but you can protect your boundaries (boundaries are under your control) and maintain respect. Don't let him drag you down - you deserve better and better does not start in some magical way in the future. Without demonstrating that you have value and love yourself - how can a confused other person recognize what treasure they got?
