contacting ex BPD girlfriends ex husband

[cron65]

Can anyone give me some advice. Recently a distant relative of my BPD girlfriend warned me about her condition through an email. I had never met this person. My BPD girlfriend has been divorced for 4 years yet I have only met the ex husband once. He seems like a wonderful guy who has been thru a lot with her and the damage she has caused to her boys. I was wondering if I should reach out to him. He know that I have done many great things for her and I am sure that he is aware of her issues, but not sure if he realizes how severe they are. I am hoping to connect with him to discuss these issues.

Can anyone offer me some advice regarding this matter?... please?

cron65

[free-n-clear]

  Is she your gf, or xgf? (Thread title indicates xgf, but in your post you call her your gf twice)  If you're no longer in a r/s with her, there's probably little to be gained by contacting her ex-husband. You may risk making things worse for their kids. If you're still in a r/s with her, and hoping to improve it, you would need to tread very carefully, again, for the kids' sake.

 What would be your objective in contacting him? If you're out of the r/s now, and you simply want to "compare notes", or share old war stories, you'd be better off doing that here.

[corraline]

You may or may not get the results you are hoping to get.  There are loyalties that ex 's and friends still have with them and also boundaries that they may not wish to cross and also their perception that are all filters and possible barriers to the answers you seek.  I often thought his ex wife  who was very open and gracious to me in her company would have all of the answers  if i dared to contact her.  I did not. I considered the issues i mentioned above and also my own boundaries. I also did not want to put her in this position.

Altho, with all honesty we did have a mutual friend who disclosed things at the very end.  She knew him for a very long time and we were establishing a close relationship ourselves. I was very upset one night and she filled me in. 

[Sanity searcher]

I actually considered the same thing, I think maybe just to validate my feelings or to make it clear to me that I'm not crazy. My ex BPD was extremely controlling and blocked her ex from my FB. She was abnormally concerned that she would try to contact me and tell me lies to destroy our relationship. From the horrifying stories she told me of her ex ( cheating, hiding income, buying a house on her own with their savings) I figured she's a horrible person so I wouldn't want her to have contact with me. She said the final straw for her was when her ex started asking questions behind her back to her family... . her faults were discovered... . that's probo how she got painted black and discarded.

Now that I realize I was involved with someone with BPD, there is a very real possibility that those stories could have in fact been all lies. I wouldn't doubt that my ex was the one cheating in her past relationship... . and part of me is still very curious to know the "other" side of the story. But I don't think I would recommend acting on it. If she found out you would be on trial and subjected to rage and abuse which will not help you to heal and move on.

[cron65]

I understand what you are saying but I know him to be a good man and he knows all the good that I have given her. At the very least he will opt not to contact me. However, something tells me he will take me up on my offer to have a discussion. At least, that is my hope.

Thanks for your thoughts.

cron65