Worn out/writing it out

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The amount that has happened in my life in the last couple of years is so overwhelming that I can't even bear looking back. And yet if I don't, I've lost a big part of my life. As I've thought about this over the last couple of months it occurred that I really need to claim it, all of it, to move on.

Separated twice from my BPDh (10/11,10/12)... . and twice, his outpatient treatment... . 21yo daughter moved in w/ 2yo grandson following an abusive relationship... . filed for divored 1/13... . his suicide attempt 2/13... . middle son graduated from high school... . house on the market... . discovered daughter was drinking&driving w/grandson in car... . sold house, moved, moved son into dorm... . divorce finalized 8/13... . offered to keep grandson so daughter could go to sub abuse tx... . exBPDh gets OWI... . son won't talk to dad, youngest daughter doesn't want to stay w/dad, oldest daughter feels overwhelmed by dad's needs.

And throughout this, working full time and trying to appear like it wasn't all "crazy".

But it was, and I'm through it.

I used to hope that my exBPDh and I could maintain a friendship, but I don't know that is ever possible with a person with BPD.  He sees every encounter as an opportunity to try to make me (or the kids) feel sorry for him or feel guilty.  I do have compassion for him, but it has to be from afar.

And the lessons I've learned have been invaluable.  I was 19 when I got married, and not sure enough of myself.  The spending, gambling, drinking, etc. were all things that I got used to over time, to a point where it was just natural to cover them up and keep working.  But, I can now have compassion for MYSELF too.  I have a long ways to go in terms of growing, and at 42 I'm remembering parts of myself that were put aside for a very long time.

Breaking free has been painful, but I finally see the possibility of peace and joy. 

[thinkingthinking]

The amount that has happened in my life in the last couple of years is so overwhelming that I can't even bear looking back. And yet if I don't, I've lost a big part of my life. As I've thought about this over the last couple of months it occurred that I really need to claim it, all of it, to move on.

Separated twice from my BPDh (10/11,10/12)... . and twice, his outpatient treatment... . 21yo daughter moved in w/ 2yo grandson following an abusive relationship... . filed for divored 1/13... . his suicide attempt 2/13... . middle son graduated from high school... . house on the market... . discovered daughter was drinking&driving w/grandson in car... . sold house, moved, moved son into dorm... . divorce finalized 8/13... . offered to keep grandson so daughter could go to sub abuse tx... . exBPDh gets OWI... . son won't talk to dad, youngest daughter doesn't want to stay w/dad, oldest daughter feels overwhelmed by dad's needs.

And throughout this, working full time and trying to appear like it wasn't all "crazy".

But it was, and I'm through it.

I used to hope that my exBPDh and I could maintain a friendship, but I don't know that is ever possible with a person with BPD.  He sees every encounter as an opportunity to try to make me (or the kids) feel sorry for him or feel guilty.  I do have compassion for him, but it has to be from afar.

And the lessons I've learned have been invaluable.  I was 19 when I got married, and not sure enough of myself.  The spending, gambling, drinking, etc. were all things that I got used to over time, to a point where it was just natural to cover them up and keep working.  But, I can now have compassion for MYSELF too.  I have a long ways to go in terms of growing, and at 42 I'm remembering parts of myself that were put aside for a very long time.

Breaking free has been painful, but I finally see the possibility of peace and joy. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm reading The Betrayal Bond by Carnes, and one thing that jumped out at me last night was "The starting point for all trauma survivors is a complete acceptance of the betrayal."  Your mention of not bearing to look back reminded me of that; I didn't want to look back when I left her, I just wanted to move forward and get on with life without her, turns out I was in denial about how much of an impact she and the relationship had on me, and it caught up to me about a year after I left.  And what caught up to me wasn't about her especially, she opened a floodgate of unresolved stuff from my past with lots of people, things I had been repressing, ignoring, whatever, as I ran full speed into a future.  I'm grateful to her for that, sometimes gifts come in painful packages, but addressing all of it has become job 1, finally, better late than never.

BTW, one thing Carnes says about BPD that I hadn't heard before is "Borderline personalities are people who have been hurt so badly they are afraid and on maximum alert— all the time."  Yep, accurate with her, hell to live with.

[thinkingthinking]

I just wanted to move forward and get on with life without her, turns out I was in denial about how much of an impact she and the relationship had on me, and it caught up to me about a year after I left.  And what caught up to me wasn't about her especially, she opened a floodgate of unresolved stuff from my past with lots of people, things I had been repressing, ignoring, whatever, as I ran full speed into a future.

Totally get what you are saying... . when I finally made that decision to leave, I was moving ahead full force, not looking left, right or backwards.  As I settle into a "new normal", I'm sitting with all of it. It is painful, but I've learned to look at it with less judgement than I did when I was younger.  Agree... . better late than never