He requested no contact. I am hurt.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I made a big mistake last week.  I was feeling better about myself. I was reading about victim consciousness and reflecting on the trauma bonds and feeling differently about my experience with him.

I was actually feeling a sense of gratitude for what this relationship taught me.  He actually taught me alot about myself too.   So I sent him a little card.  Yup.  I said that i was grateful for what he has taught me in our relationship. with love. I was not hoping for a reconciliation. I thought my intentions were clear and sincere. I thought after two months it would be ok.  

I received a phone call on my landline last night.  It must have been days after he received it but he was very clear and very direct.  He told me he received my card and appreciated that my intention may have been good but it puzzled him and that he does not want me to send anything else and requested absolutely no contact from me any more.  He said it isn't helping on his end.

I was hurt. Especially since he has been the one who has been emailing periodically and calling me names and telling me to get serious therapy. I guess the fact that i was still getting negative emails from him was an obvious sign that it wasn't good for me to go there. I hadn't heard anything from him in a little while though so i thought he may be in a better space. I got the nasty email the next day after i sent the card so it wasn't a response to my card.  This is the only thing i sent him in the last two months. (not sure if my timeline is making sense here)

Also initially when we first broke up he was expressing the fact that he was happy we were over and thankful for things.  I wasn't too pleased myself but thats because it was all within a couple of days of hate texts and breaking up with me cruelly on valentines etc.

He never respected my boundary two months ago. I guess I broke mine last week.

I went on a big head trip about why he would say this after he was doing the contacting in the first place.  I decided that trying to figure it out was just a waste of time.  I won't do something like that again.

[corraline]

I made a big mistake last week.  I was feeling better about myself. I was reading about victim consciousness and reflecting on the trauma bonds and feeling differently about my experience with him.

I was actually feeling a sense of gratitude for what this relationship taught me.  He actually taught me alot about myself too.   So I sent him a little card.  Yup.  I said that i was grateful for what he has taught me in our relationship. with love. I was not hoping for a reconciliation. I thought my intentions were clear and sincere. I thought after two months it would be ok.  

I received a phone call on my landline last night.  It must have been days after he received it but he was very clear and very direct.  He told me he received my card and appreciated that my intention may have been good but it puzzled him and that he does not want me to send anything else and requested absolutely no contact from me any more.  He said it isn't helping on his end.

I was hurt. Especially since he has been the one who has been emailing periodically and calling me names and telling me to get serious therapy. I guess the fact that i was still getting negative emails from him was an obvious sign that it wasn't good for me to go there. I hadn't heard anything from him in a little while though so i thought he may be in a better space. I got the nasty email the next day after i sent the card so it wasn't a response to my card.  This is the only thing i sent him in the last two months. (not sure if my timeline is making sense here)

Also initially when we first broke up he was expressing the fact that he was happy we were over and thankful for things.  I wasn't too pleased myself but thats because it was all within a couple of days of hate texts and breaking up with me cruelly on valentines etc.

He never respected my boundary two months ago. I guess I broke mine last week.

I went on a big head trip about why he would say this after he was doing the contacting in the first place.  I decided that trying to figure it out was just a waste of time.  I won't do something like that again.

[Narellan]

Everyone tests the water at times, and wavers back and forth between feeling anger and sadness, and glad the relationship happened. Yesterday i was totally calm fog free after weeks of NC, then today im nostalgic.

Yesterday i couldnt believe that was me that was with him for all those months and negative, disastrous experiences, and today im glad for the experiences. were only human.

I really see how NC is benefitial. Even a brief phone call yesterday has set me back.

[corraline]

I know, for me at this point i have to be more than disciplined with no contact. I probably should block his emails too. I wasnt getting bombarded with them so i thought i could handle it. But the ones that do come thru send me off the rails. Soo... . hmmmm... i kept telling myself that it was the last one. fooling myself. he may never stop.  My therapist yesterday noticed that my card incident and his call has set me back big time too. lesson learned.

narellan

if you dont mind sharing... . how did the phone call thing go?

[fromheeltoheal]

I won't do something like that again.  There you go, good plan.

My experience is once the wheels come off the relationship absolutely nothing good can come of communication.  I had to accept that the love affair I had was a fiction, a fantasy, and the person I fell in love with doesn't exist.  It was all a manipulative game on her part and a delusion fueled by hopes and dreams on my part, I knew it at the time, at least my gut did, but forging ahead I went, trying to reconcile the idea of the relationship in my head with reality, uncomfortable the entire time since I never got there.  And then continuing the dysfunction after we split, it only got worse.

There's fertile field for growth there though.  Why was I chasing something that didn't exist?  Why did it feel more like an addiction than a sustainable love affair, and what was I addicted to?  What parts of me does that touch and feed?  Untangling all of that has been nothing short of life changing.

[Narellan]

The phone call itself was ok, the subject not so good. I had to call him and break over 3 weeks NC to ask him to remove a nude photo of me he randomly posted on his FB wall. I was quite stressed so there was no chit chat, he apologised and removed the photo within a couple of hours. He is a proffessional photographer and the pic is very tasteful, lovely actually, but i dont want it on FB. Now we are 2 days into NC, although he did make a comment on my status then deleted it.

Hes really keeping his distance and not wanting anything other than friendship, so im actually reconsidering whether he has BPD. Certainly enough traits to have repeatedly broken my heart.

I know he'll reconnect with me at some stage soon, but thats because i think hes battling with his feelings. Doesnt want to be tied down, bit of a nomad, but fell for me and is now confused.

I dont think i can take him back now though. Im done.

But thats just how i feel today.

[Madison66]

corraline,

Please don't be too hard on yourself for sending the card.  I ran into my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years just before the holidays (about 10 days after the b/u).  I attempted to have a warm closure discussion with her with no other intentions.  I think I just wanted to express my sorrow that things didn't work out and hopefully receive some kind of apology for how she treated me.  She basically reverted to emotional abuse/blackmail in that conversation and also attempted to name the terms of our r/s moving forward.  This was just ten days after she emotionally and physically abused me, and damaged my property as she left my home.  That one meeting was unsettling to me and I learned that any meeting/confrontation/communication would potentially be unhealthy for me and I then set out on a course to avoid it.  That has been difficult since she lives on my block.  120 days out, it has been the best thing.

Look, you sound like a compassionate, loving and caring person.  I am that way, too.  Reaching out as we both did shows beautiful things about our character and about the we hold in our hearts.  I can only tell you that the last meeting I had with my ex demonstrated to me the need to turn that love, compassion, caring, empathy and forgiveness on to myself.  It was a huge turning point for my healing and detachment.  Now, it is time to celebrate YOU!

[seeking balance]

I know, for me at this point i have to be more than disciplined with no contact. I probably should block his emails too. I wasnt getting bombarded with them so i thought i could handle it. But the ones that do come thru send me off the rails. Soo... . hmmmm... i kept telling myself that it was the last one. fooling myself. he may never stop.  My therapist yesterday noticed that my card incident and his call has set me back big time too. lesson learned.

Many of us have done a version of the "letting go" by emailing something along those lines - I did too.  The thing is, we really are the trigger for a pwBPD... . it is a cornerstone of the disorder - a fact.

So, expecting a reaction of anything is setting ourselves up for more hurt.  When we know better, we can do better.  It's ok you sent it, you learned the lesson and have a plan for next time - let go now if you can, forgive yourself.

Stage 1 of detachment - acknowledgment and working with our feelings... . how are you feeling in this aftermath?

[corraline]

Well, since i received a great post from Talithicumi about being distracted by trying to figure things out , I am trying to take myself out of my head about his response. So I'm hurt. I feel sad that my card wasn't received well and i feel like he used it as a tool to further hurt me. Angry at myself for putting myself there in the first place. The fact that i am hurt makes me wonder if my intentions were really sincere after all. If i had no attachment to the outcome or response i may get then i wouldn't be hurt. I must have obviously been trying to attempt some kind of loving closure or repair on some level  or something.  Ok, brain... . stop analyzing NOW!

[seeking balance]

The fact that i am hurt makes me wonder if my intentions were really sincere after all. If i had no attachment to the outcome or response i may get then i wouldn't be hurt. I must have obviously been trying to attempt some kind of loving closure or repair on some level  or something.  Ok, brain... . stop analyzing NOW!

So, feel the hurt - cry it out.  Hurt and anger are energies that need to be released, processed.  It is super sad to love someone and no matter how we try to show it, the love becomes a weapon or misinterpreted... . it is sad.   

[myself]

Hi corraline,

Many of the 10 Beliefs that Keep Us Stuck are reflected in this thread.

Thinking our X's feel the same, will react the same as we would. That we'll be heard if we approach from certain angles. That miracle of miracles they have finally seen the light.

Very possibly your NC + his NC will = Better Detachment.

He's shown you where he's coming from.

Keep the focus on yourself now. Follow through with what's best for you.

[pinkparchment]

Hi Corraline, don't worry. I think that when we reach a point of acceptance and some kind of peace/gratitude surrounding the relationship it's natural to want to give some kind of goodwill gesture. I did that as well, and my ex said that it was "effed" up that a loving letter was my idea of closure. Well, I loved her and wanted our relationship to end with love. Which it did not. It ended with her being hospitalized and going no contact with me.

BPDs don't think like normal people. Doing something nice is considered a manipulation. I've been in other break-ups that weren't like this. Several of my exes and I were able to touch base year after year and express our love for one another as people and the things we learned from our time together. It didn't mean that we were right for each other or getting back together, but it was a peaceable moving on of two adults who respected one another. Even my WORST breakup eventually ended in this kind of peaceful, distant friendship. No hard feelings. But my BPD ex is not like my other exes. It's a hard lesson to learn.

[Willingtolearn]

Corraline, i am sorry to hear of your experience. I wish you all well for the future.

However, more distinguished members on here may put me right when i say that, when a pwBPD tells you to never contact them again, they can either mean it or not. What they say today can all change again tomorrow.

pwBPD react on the spur of the moment, that's why they are so difficult to understand.  You have heard the saying " I hate you, please don't leave me"

[corraline]

I find it weird that during his minute or so voicemail he manages to say he wants no contact five different times.   Just like the emails sent ... same info 5 times. Weird. Its like ok... . whats up with that?

[Take2]

So, feel the hurt - cry it out.  Hurt and anger are energies that need to be released, processed.  It is super sad to love someone and no matter how we try to show it, the love becomes a weapon or misinterpreted... . it is sad.   

I feel this way too Corraline... .   I sent a couple (pathetic and embarrassing of me) emails to my ex over the weekend.  He was totally unresponsive.  I felt like I was emailing no one but I expressed my love and my severe pain and how badly I wanted him to understand that I am not the horrible person he says I am... .   well, of course that backfired big time... .    he finally responded today spewing hatred and abuse... .    it does SUUCK that no matter how badly I try to show love and understanding and validation - if I so much as mention my own pain - which has been frankly disturbing - he freaks.  He's said he is blocking my emails.  He has blocked my texts.  Seriously - how much more painful can that be?  how much more embarrassing?

I was never a weak pathetic begging woman.  I always respected someone's space when they said they were done.  I have behaved... . frankly like an addict trying desperately to get that last hit... .   and when I got the contact that broke the brutal silent treatment... . it was like bad drugs or something.   It hurt so badly I had to leave work to drive home for lunch in tears... .    


He never reads what my words say... .   it's so sad... .

[corraline]

take2

Im sorry to hear that you received such a brutal response. I guess we are learning the hard way.

I used to leave work alot in tears too. Being humiliated was something that happened alot to me. I begged alot too when i got the silent treatment or punishment for things i couldn't understand or seemed so tiny to react like that.  Now with understanding BPD, i can see more clearly what was going on but it still feels bad.

[Take2]

I've known about BPD for a long time now... .   I have no excuse to resort to the begging.  I know that the more I push the worse it gets.  My reactions have spoken volumes about where I am emotionally - clearly.

But you know... . at the end of the day... . (yet one more day of tears at the office... . ugh) - I can hold my head high knowing that I have been kind, loving and supportive to this guy.  He chooses to reject that.  Its such a sad situation for both of us... .   but it is reality... .   thanks Corraline... . I relate to alot of your posts... .

[corraline]

I put a sign up on my wall in my bedroom beside my bed.

It says " I am committed to reality at all costs"  I think i got that from the Betrayal Bond book from Patrick Carnes.  I've gotta keep looking at it .Maybe have it tattooed on my right forearm.   

[Take2]

I am reading that book right now... .   I've been reading that while also reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (my ex is pretty abusive)... . both are very eye opening books... .    Reading the Bancroft book has actually helped me more - because I see my ex in so much of it... .

[corraline]

Read the lundy one recently too.

Then lynne forrest victim consciousness , just picked up emotional alchemy  and waiting for jeffrey young reinventing your life.

I sell this kind of material at my work.   Seems most members here absorb themselves in reading material especially in the first stages