Air Raid - This is No Drill

[Mike_confused]

My BPDw has been extremely well regulated, loving courteous, respectful and so on, for about the last 10 days.  She has managed all this during a busy and stressful (from her perspective) week at work even.  She moved into this part of the cycle when I called her out on behavior I saw as extremely ungrateful. To say the least it, it has been very nice - almost normal even.

And yet I have caught myself (please forgive the following metaphor) scanning the skies waiting for the announcement "Air Raid Pearl Harbor - This is No Drill".

Maybe dramatic, but I am stressed because I now have a fairly decent understanding of BPD, as well as my BPD wife's cyclic BPD behaviors.  I suppose I should enjoy the good times; that is difficult to do when I know there is another bomb out there with my name on it.,

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Love Is Not Enough]

In the same boat here. Do not feel bad about being cautious. Even though my gf has been doing much better recently, we did have minor incident  recently and I got very angry at myself for starting to trust her. After beating myself up for it I told myself that I would never trust her again. I have been mulling that over now for a bit and am trying to put myself in a better mental position that is more positive. The best that I can come up with so far is to just relax and enjoy the good times as best as I can and just be prepared to respond if the bombs start dropping. I find that if I keep focusing on the positives instead of the negatives, things seem to work out better.

[martillo]

It is the "roller coaster" effect - the first few time you ride the roller coaster you are surprised by the steep drop,  but the more you ride, the more you tense up and anticipate it!

[waverider]

It is very common when you are learning about BPD, the knowledge takes away the delusion that the "war" is over. Much of what you have learned is still probably not ingrained and not part of ypur natural personality yet. With time your management skills will become instinctive, and hence your fear of imminent attack will lesson as you will trust your own defensive systems to do what they are supposed to.

You are right this wont last for ever, its is not normal. Learning to live safely with the roller coaster will happen, the fear will disapear once you can trust your skills.

I think my biggest transitional step was when I no longer "feared" dysregulation. I could either handle it or left it, I no longer suffered or feared it. Frustration it had to happen again yes, but frustration is not fear.

To be honest the only angry conflict we have now is usually started by me. My partner now is afraid of conflict as non of her previous techniques gain anything, she no longer has control of conflict. Whereas i can express what I have to say in a more concise and effective way, and I also know how to end it, or disengage, I am never "stuck' in it. I could avoid it, but I choose not to, as that in itself is not normal. The occasional spat is "normal" so to me it is a sign of improvement. It also highlights to me I have a choice, to confront or avoid. I am not avoiding out of obligation or fear, it is a choice.

As far as trusting them is concerned, you have to trust what they are with its inherent limitations, rather than trusting the image you would like them to be, or the one they are selling you. ie. knowing the real them.

Stick with it and trust your abilities

[Mono No Aware]

Maybe dramatic, but I am stressed because I now have a fairly decent understanding of BPD, as well as my BPD wife's cyclic BPD behaviors.  I suppose I should enjoy the good times; that is difficult to do when I know there is another bomb out there with my name on it.,

If you think of it as a bomb, it will be a bomb.

If you think of it as opportunity to test, strengthen, and hone your new skills of not-JADE-ing, SET-UP, of DEARMAN, Validation, Defusing, Boundaries, and Self-Calm... . then it shall be so.

I think my biggest transitional step was when I no longer "feared" dysregulation. I could either handle it or left it, I no longer suffered or feared it. Frustration it had to happen again yes, but frustration is not fear.

Once again waverider you lay down a gem of wisdom on this board, thank you.

I have been reading Bruce Lee quotes lately, taking the insights of Zen that turn the anger and chaos of hand-to-hand combat into a fluid and moving meditation and a dance of complementing forces, and using that mindset to let the dysregulation rages wash over me and drain away into nothingness while I apply my focus to positive response.

[Mike_confused]

Believe me, it is always a bomb.  Maybe it is  the interaction of our personalities, mine included.   Nevertheless, it is always a bomb.

I cannot figure out why we have been together for so long, nor can I determine why she would want me:  I am the furthest thing from a push over.  My thoughts and will are not easily molded nor influenced.  I am aware of other couples where one person has BPD - the other always seemed more compliant to me.

[MissyM]

Mike, I am not compliant either.  What I have been told is that my dBPDh felt that since I was "strong", I would be able to fix him.  Instead, it just leads to arguments.  I am trying to be less rigid with healthy boundaries.   I tend to blow up and then back down a little on my boundaries.   That isn't happening, anymore.  When I don't blow up and just stay firm, it is really freaking him out and he pushes back but he is beginning to make changes.

[waverider]

Believe me, it is always a bomb.  Maybe it is  the interaction of our personalities, mine included.   Nevertheless, it is always a bomb.

I cannot figure out why we have been together for so long, nor can I determine why she would want me:  I am the furthest thing from a push over.  My thoughts and will are not easily molded nor influenced.  I am aware of other couples where one person has BPD - the other always seemed more compliant to me.

A  pwBPD can be attracted to a strong person, partly because, as MissyM says, they believe they can fix them, or alternatively they can take on some of that persons strengths via idealization and mirroring. Once this becomes unsustainable, as that is not who they really are, this then evolves into projection as your display of strength can then be labelled as controlling and bullying behavior so that they can than validate themselves as the victim.

What you where once admired for you are now despised for. They hate themselves because they tried to be like you but failed. This anger is projected onto you as being your fault, because you expect them to be the person they pretended to be.

Ironically they become a victim of their own false representation. You will see this repeated in many aspects of their life leading to endless soul destroying failures rather  than reaching confidence building goals. The only defense they have against this is denial and delusion.

Even if you can strip away the denial and delusion, what is then exposed is not pretty. This is one of the problems that can arise when therapy is undertaken, some messed up demons can be exposed once the band aid is removed.

BPD is like interwoven nightmares and makes it very hard to unpick

[Mike_confused]

My wife is in therapy.   She claims she is changing many things about herself.   Actually, that is the disturbing part to me. She is never ever consistent.  Not in her mood. Not in her plans and desires for the future.  Frankly, I am afraid to plan for the future because she is constantly reneging, then stating she never wanted that which she previously assured me she wanted.

I guess my new approach is that I will continue on course with her or without her.  To adjust to her constantly is exhausting me.

[waverider]

My wife is in therapy.   She claims she is changing many things about herself.   Actually, that is the disturbing part to me. She is never ever consistent.  Not in her mood. Not in her plans and desires for the future.  Frankly, I am afraid to plan for the future because she is constantly reneging, then stating she never wanted that which she previously assured me she wanted.

I guess my new approach is that I will continue on course with her or without her.  To adjust to her constantly is exhausting me.

I too live in the unstable world of a "gunna". It is the result of being driven by impulse and neediness. When the switch for these is on its essential/urgent/of extreme importance. Once the switch goes off it is of no concern. There is no sense of obligation or responsibility. You cannot co ordinate your life with someone like this no matter how persuasive the plans and promises.

Live your life, and they can join in or opt out as suits them without your reliance on their participation. It will relieve your frustration and also take the pressure of them which in itself can be triggering.