My first time traveling since the end... having a rough time

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My exbf and I used to work together, and we would travel together a lot. Not all the time, but enough that now memories of him are inextricably linked with my job and travel. This is my first business trip without him, and I'm sitting at a table in an airport Starbucks about to lose it. Perhaps the Starbucks is not the best place, come to think of it, since we also spent a lot of time at Starbucks or other coffee shops together.

I'm just having a rough time. I miss him a lot right now. And I'm mad at myself for having trouble holding it together. I'm not a fan of crying in public. (He made me cry in public a lot, though... . perhaps I should start thinking of all the sh#tty things he did... . anger is better than pain at the moment.)

There are a lot of things in my life that will probably always remind me of him and of us, and of what I thought we had and were building. I need to learn how to be some level of OK with that. It's just not happening right now... .

[HappyNihilist]

My exbf and I used to work together, and we would travel together a lot. Not all the time, but enough that now memories of him are inextricably linked with my job and travel. This is my first business trip without him, and I'm sitting at a table in an airport Starbucks about to lose it. Perhaps the Starbucks is not the best place, come to think of it, since we also spent a lot of time at Starbucks or other coffee shops together.

I'm just having a rough time. I miss him a lot right now. And I'm mad at myself for having trouble holding it together. I'm not a fan of crying in public. (He made me cry in public a lot, though... . perhaps I should start thinking of all the sh#tty things he did... . anger is better than pain at the moment.)

There are a lot of things in my life that will probably always remind me of him and of us, and of what I thought we had and were building. I need to learn how to be some level of OK with that. It's just not happening right now... .

[HappyNihilist]

Also, would it kill them to play some upbeat music in Starbucks? I feel like I'm stuck in a movie scene where one person is standing in the rain crying as the other person walks away, while on the soundtrack some woman sings mournfully and emotionally about lost love.

I'm ready to get on the plane and put on Katy Perry (shhh, don't make fun, Katy and I will get through this together) and read my Psychology Today until I fall asleep.

[LettingGo14]

We're here for you.  One of my main challenges -- before I found this community -- was being "triggered" by memories, especially like the ones you describe.   I would become "flooded" with emotion, and there was no way for my cognitive brain to put the cat back into the bag.   I often found myself spiraling into an ever increasing hurricane of thoughts.  

You allude to "reality testing" when you compare and contrast good memories (trips) with bad memories (crying in public).

One thing that really helps me is referring to the list of "10 things that keep us stuck" -- https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

I actually write out my experience of each one, sometimes multiple times on different days, to give myself a "reality" check.   It's not a magic wand -- but I am trying to re-train my brain to have a balanced perspective.   In little ways, it has allowed me to defuse triggers like places, people, or things.  

Keep posting.  And safe travels.

[LettingGo14]

I'm ready to get on the plane and put on Katy Perry (shhh, don't make fun, Katy and I will get through this together) and read my Psychology Today until I fall asleep.

Love this.  I want to make a soundtrack for reclaiming our lives.  Thankfully, my kids give me an excuse to have "Firework" on my playlist. Others that help me:  Wake Me Up -- by Avicii,  Let it Go -- Demi Lovato.

[HappyNihilist]

Thank you so much, LettingGo.   You have no idea it helped to get that out there and then come back and read such encouragement and great advice. I'm going to try your method of writing out your experiences with the "10 Things." That's a fantastic idea.

Love this.  I want to make a soundtrack for reclaiming our lives.  Thankfully, my kids give me an excuse to have "Firework" on my playlist. Others that help me:  Wake Me Up -- by Avicii,  Let it Go -- Demi Lovato.

We need a healing soundtrack for sure! I'll have to check out the Avicii and Demi Lovato songs. I've been listening to "Firework" a lot, and "Part of Me." I even listened to Gotye's "Somebody That I Used to Know," because so many of the lyrics fit; although we once were intimate to a playlist that included that song, to my pleased surprise, it didn't trigger anything. Small victories, after all.

[Allmessedup]

I am sorry your hurting!  I hate the triggers

Music helps me cope too... . and even though I am 40 Demi's skyscraper is often times on repeat for me:)

[seeking balance]

Traveling again was hard for me too Happy... . I know exactly what you are talking about.

Weird thing was in the relationship, an airplane was my solitude - I loved it... . once the break, it became painful on many levels.

10 False Beliefs were my lifeline - I carried a printed copy with me around for a while and when I would get sad or angry or miss my ex; reading them would center me.

My sad songs of choice were Sara Evans "stronger" and Keith Urban "Tonight I wanna Cry"... . country music can bring a tear for sure.

When I wanted upbeat, mood changing Old School Madonna, Rhianna and Lady Gaga (yes, really)

Hang in there - it will get better and when you are in the places where you can cry - let it flow... . the best way over it is to go through it. 

Peace,

SB

[willy45]

OH man. I'm sorry. That really sucks. You know what though, you'll be fine sooner than you think. I was a mess for a few months but then it started to go away. Up until I talked to her a couple of weeks ago, I was good. No more triggers. Only the occasional off day where I would miss her like crazy. But totally manageable. She would text me or call and I would ignore. I would just put off calling her back. And all the feelings went away. I was able to focus on my work and my life and build some pretty awesome things.

Since you are thinking about him, maybe write a list of all the reasons to stay away from him and a gratitude list of things you never have to deal with again now that you are free of him. Then maybe write a gratitude list of stuff that's great, that you like, that has nothing to do with him. Focus on that. That'll help. Stuff you did before you were with him. People you knew before you knew him. All that kind of stuff. I found that helped me a lot during those trigger happy moments.

[PinkieV]

"Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah!

[lemon flower]

when my previous relationships came to an end I burried myself at home because I couldn't stand the company of all the shiny happy people around me who didn't understood my grieves.

some weeks later, I found myself so isolated that I had the feeling I couldn't breathe anymore, so I took a last minute and fly off, on my own for a change  

unfortunately it didn't help, the sadness was nested inside me and I took it everywhere I went, having dinner on my own and thinking about him, walking along the river and moaning about my lost love, watching happy couples having a perfect holiday... .   :'(

bottom line; it doesn't matter if you stay home or travel, the loss is there and you need time to digest it !

still I prefer to go away for a while, because even though travelling is sometimes more confrontating than staying at home, it does work beneficial in some ways: you're outside in the sun (hopefully), you keep yourself distracted by your travelling program, you're on the move, and even if you're not really interested in meeting new people, eventually there will always be some small encounters with strangers, just enough to sheer you up for a short time, and to open up your horizon little by little... .

[Aussie0zborn]

Sorry to hear about those triggers. They don't last as long as you might think. Part of the problem might also have been Starbucks - I know you don't have much choice in an airport but Starbucks is a poor excuse for a coffee shop. Seek out a nice small cafe that you can make all your own, so to speak... . it's where you go to have some "me time", read, relax and sip real coffee. I wish you a speedy recovery.

[HappyNihilist]

Thank you all so much for the encouragement, support -- and song suggestions!

bottom line; it doesn't matter if you stay home or travel, the loss is there and you need time to digest it !

You're absolutely right, triss.

I'm doing better today. I just let myself cry yesterday when I got to a private place. Let myself hurt. When that was past, I read back over the 10 Beliefs. I reminded myself of things he did that weren't acceptable. I reminded myself that, even though I'm hurting bad, at least I have the freedom now to be myself.

I just feel like I break and have to rebuild many times a day. Some are brief and easier to work through; other times, I feel like I'll never be able to make myself whole again. During those rough times, I sometimes think about how I'm sure he's not very torn up about the whole thing. And that just makes it harder.

Anyway... . thank you all again for helping me through a rough time. 

And Aussie, you're right -- I need to find a good little coffee shop to make my own!