After breakup issues. I need a plan.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have an issue, and I am not sure how I should proceed. I will try to keep this short and basic.

My 3 1/2 year relationship with my exGF just ended this past weekend, we have been living in the same house for the past two months. She has been renting there for the past 5 years without a written rental contract. (small town) I do know the landlord, he knows firsthand about her emotional disregulation.

In 2012 she ran into financial difficulty so I moved in with her. It lasted for 9 months until she got angry and in May 2013 while I was at work broke up with me, locked the doors and threw all my belongings into the garage. Not wanting to make problems, I came for my things, did not go into the house, and found myself a new place.

We started seeing each other again in August. Two months ago she was in financial difficulty again so I once again moved in with her, gave her enough money to pay the rent and utilities until this coming July. We broke up last month but I have still been living there. I agreed to move out at the end of April. She then emailed me an eviction notice stating I had until May 3rd to vacate and take my belongings with me.

This past weekend she once again became rageful while I was at work. She locked the doors again and threw only my clothes out into the garage. I went and picked up my clothes, vehicles and tools in garage. She is now refusing to give me any of my belongings in the house. Bed (I was in my own room, she did not sleep on it), expensive TV in my room, various decorative, kitchen and household items.

Obviously I would like to at least get some of my things that I had just brought into the household in Feb.

She is not only refusing to let me come in and get my things, she is also threatening a smear campaign. Threatening to contact some of my clients and tell them I was having an affair with their wives, sexting etc, doing the same thing with some members of the church we went to, saying that I molested her teenage son, Posting flyers that I am having sex addict and homosexual meetings at my place of business, posting flyers with pictures of me on my sons college campus, facebooking my childrens friends, in a campaign to hurt my children etc  You get the picture.

I think she is just being emotionally immature and I dont think she will follow through with her threats.

My options are:

1 Do nothing, call it a loss, and count my blessings.

2 Go in when she is gone and get my belongings. I do have a key.

3 Talk to the landlord then go get my things

4 File a report with the police

The last one may seem logical, but with her being combative it will just be her word against mine as to what belongs to me. Then what.

I have no desire to take any of her things. In fact I am willing to leave many of the things I purchased and brought into the home. I would just like to get some of the larger items, a few tools etc.

Also she was asked to be the youth leader at her church (i do not attend there). The pastor asked a friend of mine for a character reference. My friend knew about some of my relationship woes, and said she had a mental illness. Word of this got back to her, hence the breakup.

I am pondering whether I should talk to her pastor. She was youth leader at our last church with few problems. I do actually think she can do a good job with it. But I may just open a bigger can of worms.

Right now she is humiliated and would like to project that onto me.

I need a plan of action.

[DB33]

I have an issue, and I am not sure how I should proceed. I will try to keep this short and basic.

My 3 1/2 year relationship with my exGF just ended this past weekend, we have been living in the same house for the past two months. She has been renting there for the past 5 years without a written rental contract. (small town) I do know the landlord, he knows firsthand about her emotional disregulation.

In 2012 she ran into financial difficulty so I moved in with her. It lasted for 9 months until she got angry and in May 2013 while I was at work broke up with me, locked the doors and threw all my belongings into the garage. Not wanting to make problems, I came for my things, did not go into the house, and found myself a new place.

We started seeing each other again in August. Two months ago she was in financial difficulty again so I once again moved in with her, gave her enough money to pay the rent and utilities until this coming July. We broke up last month but I have still been living there. I agreed to move out at the end of April. She then emailed me an eviction notice stating I had until May 3rd to vacate and take my belongings with me.

This past weekend she once again became rageful while I was at work. She locked the doors again and threw only my clothes out into the garage. I went and picked up my clothes, vehicles and tools in garage. She is now refusing to give me any of my belongings in the house. Bed (I was in my own room, she did not sleep on it), expensive TV in my room, various decorative, kitchen and household items.

Obviously I would like to at least get some of my things that I had just brought into the household in Feb.

She is not only refusing to let me come in and get my things, she is also threatening a smear campaign. Threatening to contact some of my clients and tell them I was having an affair with their wives, sexting etc, doing the same thing with some members of the church we went to, saying that I molested her teenage son, Posting flyers that I am having sex addict and homosexual meetings at my place of business, posting flyers with pictures of me on my sons college campus, facebooking my childrens friends, in a campaign to hurt my children etc  You get the picture.

I think she is just being emotionally immature and I dont think she will follow through with her threats.

My options are:

1 Do nothing, call it a loss, and count my blessings.

2 Go in when she is gone and get my belongings. I do have a key.

3 Talk to the landlord then go get my things

4 File a report with the police

The last one may seem logical, but with her being combative it will just be her word against mine as to what belongs to me. Then what.

I have no desire to take any of her things. In fact I am willing to leave many of the things I purchased and brought into the home. I would just like to get some of the larger items, a few tools etc.

Also she was asked to be the youth leader at her church (i do not attend there). The pastor asked a friend of mine for a character reference. My friend knew about some of my relationship woes, and said she had a mental illness. Word of this got back to her, hence the breakup.

I am pondering whether I should talk to her pastor. She was youth leader at our last church with few problems. I do actually think she can do a good job with it. But I may just open a bigger can of worms.

Right now she is humiliated and would like to project that onto me.

I need a plan of action.

[Waddams]

Regarding your property, talk to a lawyer that specializes in Landlord/tenant law in your jurisdiction.  It sounds like you'd be considered her "tenant at will".  A tenant at will has a right to be living at an address and can't just be thrown out.  She's likely violating landlord/tenant laws and you probably have legal recourse.  It's important to talk it out with a L though.  Especially given her other threats.  Can you document them?  It could all add up to some big no-no's for a landlord towards a tenant.  In my jurisdiction it's illegal for a landlord to purposely create conditions to make a tenant uncomfortable to make them move out.

Unless she's gotten the backing of the authorities, she can't just kick you out, take your stuff, etc.  Emailing you I suspect would not be sufficient to dispossess you of your property.  In general, you have to go to the local magistrate (or whatever the equivalent is where you are), file the eviction notice, have the tenant served, go before a judge, get the eviction approved, get a "Writ of Dispossessory", and THEN take it to the sheriff and have them come enforce it by removing a tenant's things from a property. 

And no Landlord can just keep a tenant's stuff, even if evicting them.

Perhaps talk to the local sheriff as well.  Tell them the situation and see if they'd come by while your retrieving your stuff for a "wellness check" or something.  If you have a key, it might be worth an attempt to go when she's gone and get your stuff.  And definitely have several 3rd party observers when you go to get your stuff in case she comes home, or makes up allegations of vandalism, threats, etc.  Photograph everything, and have documentation of what's yours with you as well.  She could turn around and call the cops, claim you are a thief, damaging her home, etc.  Make sure you document things so you can prove your side.

As for the false allegations, go as NC with her as you can.  She's going to do what she can do, so just focus on protecting yourself.  If it really gets ugly, you can also just tell her if she doesn't let you get your stuff, you'll hire a lawyer and sue her under landlord/tenant laws she's violating, and her threats and behavior behind closed doors will come out in trial, become part of permanent public record, etc.  And then say you'd rather simply come get your stuff and move on without all the drama.

[DB33]

Thank you for your reply. I was really hoping to avoid police, lawyers and courts.

I went and had a face to face with the landlord. He said I had every right to remove my belongings, and he would show up in person tomorrow to be a witness. I know my ex will go ballistic, but I do believe this is the best option.

I do have complete copies of her raging threats via text messages. I do however not respond when she starts going off

Once this is settled I will answer any civil questions, but will shortly thereafter be going NC

Thanks again for your help

[Nope]

They do tend to behave a little better with a third party present. She may still put up a fight but at least you won't have to worry about false DV accusations.

I guess the only advice I can give you is to be prepared for another recycle attempt in a few months when she needs more help again.

[ForeverDad]

This does appear to be a cycle.  One problem is that you gifted her a lot of money at once to cover many months of rent.  Looking back, monthly allotments might have made a difference to limit her sense of power and entitlement and perhaps limit her overreaction.  But now that you know what you're dealing with, get out and stay away from her.  You don't need this chaos and these very concerning threats in your life.  As some have remarked, There are healthier fish in the sea, let this one go.

And I wouldn't reach out to the youth leader, at least not right now.  You are right not to risk 'opening a bigger can of worms'.  Maybe she did 'okay' in the past but that's no indication how she would do in the future.  She has major issues that impact those around her, you're testimony to that.  Don't go out of your way to enable her to impact more lives.