My rock bottom?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Since back sliding for the past two months with my ex - somehow going from almost detached to begging most of the time for the past two months for him to forgive me for every alleged sin under the sun... .   I am shocked to really grasp how I wound up here... .    and as I've begged more and more for him to understand and realize that I DO love him (he always says I don't because I throw myself at other men - couldn't be farther from the truth) - the more cruel he has become.  I just posted this on another post but I feel like I have been acting like a drug addict in a panic for my next hit... .   I've contacted when he's told me not to (keep in mind he's said stuff like that in the past after he rages and I never would and he come right back) - I've just become pathetic.

The intermittent kindness kept me trying and trying and trying... .    today he flipped out on email to my emails from the weekend which said I love him, I am in so much pain, blahblahblah... .   he raged at how none of that is true and how I chose my true joy by flirting with other men (again, not true AT ALL) - and that he is blocking my emails (he of course does that before I have any chance to respond).  He already blocked my texts.

I'm moritified.  This isn't me.  How did I wind up here?

Begging a wildly abusive man to take me back to the point of being shut out to badly... .

I'm so embarrassed.  I'm so hurt... .   ugh

[Take2]

Since back sliding for the past two months with my ex - somehow going from almost detached to begging most of the time for the past two months for him to forgive me for every alleged sin under the sun... .   I am shocked to really grasp how I wound up here... .    and as I've begged more and more for him to understand and realize that I DO love him (he always says I don't because I throw myself at other men - couldn't be farther from the truth) - the more cruel he has become.  I just posted this on another post but I feel like I have been acting like a drug addict in a panic for my next hit... .   I've contacted when he's told me not to (keep in mind he's said stuff like that in the past after he rages and I never would and he come right back) - I've just become pathetic.

The intermittent kindness kept me trying and trying and trying... .    today he flipped out on email to my emails from the weekend which said I love him, I am in so much pain, blahblahblah... .   he raged at how none of that is true and how I chose my true joy by flirting with other men (again, not true AT ALL) - and that he is blocking my emails (he of course does that before I have any chance to respond).  He already blocked my texts.

I'm moritified.  This isn't me.  How did I wind up here?

Begging a wildly abusive man to take me back to the point of being shut out to badly... .

I'm so embarrassed.  I'm so hurt... .   ugh

[Allmessedup]

Oh take 2,

I have so so so been there. And I know it hurts and I am sorry.

I have done the begging and the pleading and faced the rejection.  It hurts like a b***h.

As you said yourself it's part of the dance.  You have contacted him before when he has told you not to, apologized and recycled right?

Yeah, I did this too many times to even count

Go easy with yourself... . This is not a normal breakup.  It's trauma bonding and it really really hard!

Just posting about this here took great strength and courage.  be proud of that!

Keep posting, keep reading.  It does help


Amu

[Take2]

  thank you Allmessedup... . that really helps... .   so much more than you.

I think part of me putting it out there tonight is because I know I need to face it, accept it and deal with it.

Not that I haven't thought I'd been doing that all along!  But I need to look at my own actions.

Despite the fact that this guy is so abusive, so angry all the time, so not long term material for me - I was willing to set aside ALL of those concerns to be with him... .   that's saying a lot considering I have a 6 year old daughter who I would NEVER want to be subjected to a rage from him... .    

Will try again tomorrow... .   can't thank you enough for your kind words... .

[fromheeltoheal]

It's trauma bonding and it really really hard!  Yes.

I went through the same thing, pining for a gal who was consistently disrespectful, condescending, emasculating, unfaithful, and untruthful.  That makes absolutely no rational sense, so why did I do it?  Trauma bond.  I've been studying trauma bonds, or betrayal bonds as they're also called, and something jumped out last night: when we mistake intensity for intimacy.  In relationships where there is intensity instead of intimacy, where there is a victim/victimizer dynamic instead of mutual respect, high drama actually becomes a way to manage the anxiety and fear.  Explains a hell of a lot to me about why we go back for more, why there are recycles, why we ignore our values and act ridiculously, it's all a way to manage anxiety and fear in these relationships.  That tidbit of wisdom has been profound for me, both calming and shocking at the same time.  I haven't gotten to the solution yet, this stuff is really heavy sometimes and I need to do something else for an evening.  Stay tuned... .

[Take2]

You are spot on fromheeltoheal... .   most people (outside of this board) don't understand trauma bonds at all... . not even therapists.  Not my therapist, not the others I've contacted (really ? yep) - I'm reading Betrayal Bonds by Patrick Carnes right now.  It is very interesting... .   and I do realize the betrayals from my past - which bizarrely I'd never recognized it for what it was at all until reading this book... .   alot of work to do to truly understand why I became so hooked... . so addicted... .   wow, it's a painful withdrawal.  Every time... .  

[Split black]

You are spot on fromheeltoheal... .  most people (outside of this board) don't understand trauma bonds at all... . not even therapists.  Not my therapist, not the others I've contacted (really ? yep) - I'm reading Betrayal Bonds by Patrick Carnes right now.  It is very interesting... .  and I do realize the betrayals from my past - which bizarrely I'd never recognized it for what it was at all until reading this book... .  alot of work to do to truly understand why I became so hooked... . so addicted... .  wow, it's a painful withdrawal.  Every time... .  

It woud seem we both have an endless capacity for suffering... . Im getting tired of it. Fight Take2. Even in the saying of it, even if you dont feel it yet... . put the words in your head. Fight the addiction. Dont give him the satisfaction of your time or love. Sweeeet indifference, strive for that. There are others out there for you... . for us.

[Allmessedup]

I can't say enough good things about the betrayal bond book!  It opened my eyes in a serious way.  Daring greatly by brene brown is what I have up on my ipad now and I see a direct correlation with all my internal shame I felt and my need to repeatedly develop trauma bonds.  The gift of imperfection is also very good.

You are bening strong for you and your daughter take 2.

You are exactly right, tomorrow is another day to start again... . all we can do is the best we can do after all.

I am just over 3 months out and last weekend I spent a great deal of time ruminating over her... . I was furious with myself over that... . humiliated and ashamed that even this much later I felt I was right back where I started all over again.  That sucked.

But I had to forgive myself and simply get up and try again.  It's so incredibly hard, but the way I am trying to look at it is the more times I fail and learn from that the closer I am to getting where I want to be.

You will get there take 2, you just need to give your heart time to catch up with what your head already knows... . and you already know you can only get there by looking at yourself.  That's a huge part of the battle!

Amu

[pinkparchment]

I really relate so much to everyone who posted here. I didn't begin coming to the board until I'd finished my begging/pleading/making an idiot out of myself stage, and I didn't share a lot about it because I was embarrassed to have become that person. It takes so much strength to share what you guys have, but it's so necessary for healing and acceptance--for all of us. Hang in.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I really relate so much to everyone who posted here. I didn't begin coming to the board until I'd finished my begging/pleading/making an idiot out of myself stage, and I didn't share a lot about it because I was embarrassed to have become that person. It takes so much strength to share what you guys have, but it's so necessary for healing and acceptance--for all of us. Hang in.

I have been that person, after the first bu, even during a couple of rifts during the "friendship" stage.  I've not done it in over a year, and in the end, the real end this time, I won't be that person again.  I learned it only makes my eyes puffy.

CiF

[Take2]

It woud seem we both have an endless capacity for suffering... . Im getting tired of it. Fight Take2. Even in the saying of it, even if you dont feel it yet... . put the words in your head. Fight the addiction. Dont give him the satisfaction of your time or love. Sweeeet indifference, strive for that. There are others out there for you... . for us.

Thanks Split Black... .   I'm fighting it... .   but obviously I made it easier by being a nut job and forcing him to block me! 

I realized this morning that we went thru no contact last summer multiple times... .   once for 9 days when he went to Mexico.  I don'tknow why but it was way easier for me then.  I think that he did some pretty horrible abuse since then to me and I still swalllowed it and continued on with him is what has broken me this time so badly. 

[Take2]

Having everyone here be so supportive is incredibly helpful.

Thank you guys so so much... .   I think it helped me to admit to my ridiculous behavior last night on here.  Just to face it.  And stop being such an idiot.  That's not me.

He's at least off work today and tomorrow.  And possibly the rest of the week but he was vague about that (as with everything!)

You'd think I could just focus on work but nope, my focus is shot.

Today is better than yesterday though... .    no tears today.  Woohoo.

It's a beautiful day - sunshine always helps... .   so one foot in front of the other... .   and a cease in stupid behavior on my part.  So far so good... .

[Take2]

Just thought I'd post an update... . yesterday afternoon... . ALL afternoon... .   I actually wound up feeling really good about myself... . I even actually forgot to think about him for a while at work... .   I think recognizing the place that I'd fallen to with my panicked behavior from his silent treatment helped me take a step back and realize I needed to get a grip on myself.  I cannot tell you how amazing it felt yesterday afternoon to not feel that panic... .  

He'll be back tomorrow at work but I get one more day of work to hopefully continue to feel stronger and more detached... .    just thought I'd share the good feeling I made it too... .    

[Split black]

Just thought I'd post an update... . yesterday afternoon... . ALL afternoon... .   I actually wound up feeling really good about myself... . I even actually forgot to think about him for a while at work... .   I think recognizing the place that I'd fallen to with my panicked behavior from his silent treatment helped me take a step back and realize I needed to get a grip on myself.  I cannot tell you how amazing it felt yesterday afternoon to not feel that panic... .  

He'll be back tomorrow at work but I get one more day of work to hopefully continue to feel stronger and more detached... .    just thought I'd share the good feeling I made it too... .    

As you know Take2 its not a linear path. Its linking those times when your mind is free and your spirit feels uplifted. Yesterday all day, today... . I was triggered by some things... . so not so much. BUT, the more this happens the better and faster you will get over him.  I would never give him the satisfaction of a booty call ever again if you want a shot at feeling better... . I was thinking about this today. What if she texts me, will I run to her an tear her up, make up for 6 weeks of no physical contact. Or will I feel sick to my stomach knowing shes had so much di*ck since me. ( During me)  Ive never had that happen to me before... . it fu*ks with our self esteem at such a core level its almost beyond relief. Why does she need or want anyone other then me? Whats wrong with me that I wasn't enough? Where did I lose my mojo?  F**k that s**t Take2... .   you are more then enough woman for any man young or old. Let him feel what its like to never know you again... . if in his BPD infected mind he doesn't care then so be it... . right?  We deserve to be thought about and appreciated. Mine gives me no more thought then she would to her toaster... . after everything we did together, after all the help and advice and brainstorming and planning that she employs to this day, im incredulous, shes so functioning, shes out having fun, not sitting home having none, I cant get over how she set me free... .   we deserve more... . you deserve more. Give someone else a chance to get to know the fire that you have in you... . someone that will meet your passion with his and cherish it, appreciate it.   Life is just too short to waste one more nano second pining over someone who doesn't give a f**ck about me and never did. Never did.  Mines not coming back... . shes just not... . so this has to be accepted. Has to be. You have to accept yours for the sketch player he is. Stay positive.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm glad you had a good afternoon, Take2!

And don't be embarrassed. I think most of us have been there before -- crying, begging, sacrificing ourselves... . all for just crumbs tossed at us from a cruel master. I absolutely debased myself with my exbf. I apologized for things I never did... . apologized for ever causing him any pain (do you think he did the same?)... . promised that I would change, do anything, be whatever he needed me to be... . begged like a dog... . oh, the list goes on and on and on.

I've been studying trauma bonds, or betrayal bonds as they're also called, and something jumped out last night: when we mistake intensity for intimacy.  In relationships where there is intensity instead of intimacy, where there is a victim/victimizer dynamic instead of mutual respect, high drama actually becomes a way to manage the anxiety and fear.  Explains a hell of a lot to me about why we go back for more, why there are recycles, why we ignore our values and act ridiculously, it's all a way to manage anxiety and fear in these relationships.

fromheeltoheal, thank you for sharing this. It really does make a lot of sense. I need to read up more on trauma bonds myself.

[Take2]

As you know Take2 its not a linear path. Its linking those times when your mind is free and your spirit feels uplifted. Yesterday all day, today... . I was triggered by some things... . so not so much. BUT, the more this happens the better and faster you will get over him.  I would never give him the satisfaction of a booty call ever again if you want a shot at feeling better... .

Nope, definitely not a linear path... .   I made the mistake of rereading all the texts of his which I have saved on my phone in case I ever need proof of his insanity.  He has made threats and followed thru in the past on things - I know that I can't trust him.  I know that a HUGE mistake for me with all the pathetic begging is that he will SAVE those and EVERY conversation we ever had that he can... .   he is beyond paranoid.  And I should know better.  I am so much smarter than that... .    but back to my point... . I reread the texts and up to and even AFTER that damn dinner he blames this current shut out on - he had moments of true kindness.

There aren't even as many hideous texts - although there are plenty of threats that I still have saved on my last phone.  Anyway - I wound up totally choking up over the loving ones... .  

I know I do not deserve to be the booty call he turned me into.  Nor do I deserve the ridiculous abuse ever.

Anyway... .   I can't thank you guys enough for being here... .   I seriously am benefiting from this place.

You too stay strong Split Black... .   tons of women out there that you can be so so so much happier with and having fun with!  Remember having fun?   Actually I will remember that tomorrow... . going to a concert with a friend of mine... . here's hoping to a night of NOT thinking about him tomorrow!