Preparing for custody trial

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

DH and I will find out this week if BM's continuance request for our final custody hearing will be granted or not.  I've been doing a lot of studying and research to help the attorney understand BPD and BM specifically.

My question has to do with relevant or recent patterns of behavior.  BM has been in jail for seven months, and we have had SS13 since then.  Because we live two states away, there is no visitation, except for a failed attempt at Christmas.  She is now in a halfway house on work release, and it is next to impossible to get her on the phone.  She cannot call us or SS directly since we're in a different area code. In the beginning, she wrote two page letters, but that has dwindled to almost nothing.  Last week we found out that she now has a tablet and has access to e-mail, so SS13 sent her an e-mail, but she has not replied. So, it's been very limited contact.

Because of this, we don't really have any recent patterns to lay out for the court, except for her lack of contact by writing.  I read back through the GAL report (which recommended DH retain custody and BM have a forensic psychiatric evaluation) and she lied to the GAL, so we could bring that up.  We found out today that her condo was foreclosed on last December, and will be auctioned on 5/2, which is after our current court date, and possibly after she is released, depending on continued behavior.  She keeps stating she's working on a loan modification with her lender, but the foreclosure was actually by the association for unpaid fees.  So, we could also point out she will not have a home lined up either.

We have a very strong case even without recent patterns of behavior.  The GAL seemed to have recognized that she may have a PD, as she laid out her reasons why BM shouldn't have custody like the definition of BPD, and recommended the evaluation.  DH's older son, who turned 18 shortly after we got custody, is going to testify for us, which could also counteract her misinformation.

In reading "Splitting", I'm aware that she may try to come on very strong and emotional in the beginning.  We saw this at the emergency custody hearing, and also at a recent settlement conference.  The judge had her in chambers, and while he strongly suggested she settle, he called her by her first name at least three times, which set off alarm bells for me.  Who knows what she was up to?

Last, BM will be representing herself, so all of us testifying will be questioned by her directly.  It makes my stomach upset just thinking about it.  I am already chanting a mantra "cool, calm, collected" to myself!  I actually think my DH will be worse off than my older stepson.  Being anywhere near her makes him crazy, and she will know what buttons to push.  I want DH to speak with his counselor specifically about testifying and how to keep calm.

Sorry that this has been so long, and maybe unfocused.  There's so much going on in my brain, and I'm trying to pull everything together cohesively for the attorney by the end of the week.  BM actually filed her continuance late, and the attorney is going to surprise her with a motion to set it aside the day before so she doesn't have time to counter.  He's a good guy, and told us "hey, I can be a d%!k, just say to word"!  We might see some fireworks after that, and hopefully some missteps on her part.  Anyways, thanks for any suggestions you may have!

[PinkieV]

Hi all,

DH and I will find out this week if BM's continuance request for our final custody hearing will be granted or not.  I've been doing a lot of studying and research to help the attorney understand BPD and BM specifically.

My question has to do with relevant or recent patterns of behavior.  BM has been in jail for seven months, and we have had SS13 since then.  Because we live two states away, there is no visitation, except for a failed attempt at Christmas.  She is now in a halfway house on work release, and it is next to impossible to get her on the phone.  She cannot call us or SS directly since we're in a different area code. In the beginning, she wrote two page letters, but that has dwindled to almost nothing.  Last week we found out that she now has a tablet and has access to e-mail, so SS13 sent her an e-mail, but she has not replied. So, it's been very limited contact.

Because of this, we don't really have any recent patterns to lay out for the court, except for her lack of contact by writing.  I read back through the GAL report (which recommended DH retain custody and BM have a forensic psychiatric evaluation) and she lied to the GAL, so we could bring that up.  We found out today that her condo was foreclosed on last December, and will be auctioned on 5/2, which is after our current court date, and possibly after she is released, depending on continued behavior.  She keeps stating she's working on a loan modification with her lender, but the foreclosure was actually by the association for unpaid fees.  So, we could also point out she will not have a home lined up either.

We have a very strong case even without recent patterns of behavior.  The GAL seemed to have recognized that she may have a PD, as she laid out her reasons why BM shouldn't have custody like the definition of BPD, and recommended the evaluation.  DH's older son, who turned 18 shortly after we got custody, is going to testify for us, which could also counteract her misinformation.

In reading "Splitting", I'm aware that she may try to come on very strong and emotional in the beginning.  We saw this at the emergency custody hearing, and also at a recent settlement conference.  The judge had her in chambers, and while he strongly suggested she settle, he called her by her first name at least three times, which set off alarm bells for me.  Who knows what she was up to?

Last, BM will be representing herself, so all of us testifying will be questioned by her directly.  It makes my stomach upset just thinking about it.  I am already chanting a mantra "cool, calm, collected" to myself!  I actually think my DH will be worse off than my older stepson.  Being anywhere near her makes him crazy, and she will know what buttons to push.  I want DH to speak with his counselor specifically about testifying and how to keep calm.

Sorry that this has been so long, and maybe unfocused.  There's so much going on in my brain, and I'm trying to pull everything together cohesively for the attorney by the end of the week.  BM actually filed her continuance late, and the attorney is going to surprise her with a motion to set it aside the day before so she doesn't have time to counter.  He's a good guy, and told us "hey, I can be a d%!k, just say to word"!  We might see some fireworks after that, and hopefully some missteps on her part.  Anyways, thanks for any suggestions you may have!

[marbleloser]

You don't have anything to worry about. Her representing herself is a huge mistake,unless she's gone to law school.

She has no understanding of civil procedure or law. You're lawyer doesn't even owe her professional courtesy. She's not an atty. She's already proven this by filing incorrectly.

[Nope]

You don't think a judge will take more pity on her? Poor mother who can't afford a lawyer and all that? I've always wondered.

[livednlearned]

You don't have anything to worry about. Her representing herself is a huge mistake,unless she's gone to law school.

She has no understanding of civil procedure or law. You're lawyer doesn't even owe her professional courtesy. She's not an atty. She's already proven this by filing incorrectly.

I second that. My N/BPDx husband is a former trial lawyer, and he represented himself. There is no filter when pwBPD represent themselves. Court sees everything when there is no lawyer to temper the distorted thinking.

Sometimes judges show empathy to plaintiffs/defendants because they know that desperate people do desperate things, especially after an unfavorable court ruling. I am convinced now that my judge was actually validating N/BPDx as a way to defuse him right before awarding me full custody.  

When N/BPDx was cross examining me on the witness stand, I did not have eye contact with him. I looked at the judge, at my lawyer, and at the binder in front of me. The parenting coordinator who testified in my case did the same thing, so I followed what she did. It was helpful because it allowed me to center myself in ways I might not have been able to do if I looked directly at N/BPDx.

Bio mom has a tragic story, and it will be very evident in court. You have a strong case, and a stable home. Be a calm presence for your H, and treat this court date like the end of a bad contract. It will be hard, but being calm and prepared goes a long way in court.

[marbleloser]

No. The judge may show a little leniancy,but in court(and out) there are civil procedures to follow. That's why lawyers go to law school.

If she's not versed in these procedures,she doesn't stand a chance.Things have to be filed correctly,a certain way,a certain time,copies sent to opposing counsel,etc.,,

[ForeverDad]

Courts differ.  I found that in most cases my ex was granted every consideration and leniency possible.

However, after 8 years the court's patience did start to wear thin.  About a year into my seventeen month Motion to Modify Parenting Time, my ex's attorney filed for a continuance a week before a "pre-trial" hearing, stating ex had abdominal pain and was under a doctor's care.  Previously her attorney had gotten a  .   Even before my lawyer could respond, the magistrate denied it, stating only the lawyers were expected to attend a pre-trial.

[PinkieV]

Hi everyone, and thanks for your support.

As for her representing herself, she told the judge at the settlement conference that the supervisor of the halfway house told her she could not have a lawyer.  We know this isn't true, and that she was trying to get the supervisor in trouble for her comment to the GAL that "Ms. TM had a more difficult time than most adjusting to the halfway house".  But the judge could not let the conference go on without her at least trying to get a lawyer.

TM's Power-of-Attorney, who is her friend, seemed surprised when she said this, and has also indicated that she urged TM to accept our offer.  She got TM an appointment with a legal aid attorney, who wouldn't take the case.  So TM's next move was to file for the continuance.  She is trying to push the trial back so she is not incarcerated.

The POA has actually been good about talking with us, and seems to really want TM to settle.  She knows TM has issues, and having SS13 home with her will not help at all.  The POA is a paralegal, and I think at this point she's just hanging on until TM is out and she can get out of all the craziness.  They live in the same development, but if TM's house is auctioned off then she won't be close by anymore.  The POA even e-mailed today to make sure we're aware of the hearing for the continuance on Friday.

I'll let you know what happens! 

[PinkieV]

It looks like the continuance was granted until the first week of May.  So, instead of the original date, when SS13 had Spring Break and neither DH nor I had anything going on at work, we now get to fly up for 1 1/2 - 2 days so I can get back before my DD's 18th birthday.

I'm going to rant for a second.  God forbid we inconvenience that stupid, conniving, good-for-nothing BM, when the reasonable people will bend over backwards.  This b%#$h offered to give us the boys if we still paid her child support.  She sat on her a$s in jail for 8 months and had plenty of time to be ready.  There's a special place in h%#l for her.

Okay, not better, but I know I have to continue to be logical about this.  Well, that give us a week of her being out and, as our attorney put it, opportunities for bad acts.  We can only hope!

[Nope]

I feel for you. I really do. Look on the bright side, you didn't fly all the way up there only to have her ask for a continuance in front of the judge right then. We had that happen. Fortunately, there ended up being a work around by which we got what we wanted done anyway. It's true that the reasonable person gets the short end of the stick at first. But if you keep being reasonable long enough it does change.

Keep focus on the day to day stuff and try not to worry about her. She really has so little actual control over the situation. I know you are waiting for a finished outcome but in the meantime those boys are safe and loved. I can't wait until I'm in your shoes and we have the kids here and she is states away trying to cause drama instead of having the kids with her and having to fight with her every time we so much as try to speak to them.

[PinkieV]

Thanks Nope, you're right, I need to not let it get the better of me.  She'd be happy if she knew I was upset, so I'll just be a great big pile of sunshine .

When we first went to court, she was going to be sentenced the Friday before Labor Day, and our custody hearing was the Tuesday following.  So we drove up a few days early.  Lo and behold, the sentencing was pushed back a week.  So we spent two weeks there!  I can't believe you had it happen to you at court - how frustrating!  I'm glad you were able to get things done anyway.

It will be interesting if we keep this trial date.  Her home is being auctioned off, she's having her (current) divorce trial, and then our custody hearing in a three day span.  I hope she's wiped out!