I'm a walking oxymoron

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi again here in PI

Sigh... . this total disengagement of a rs with a pwBPD is weird, hard stuff.  I still feel a lot of contradictions in what I know to be absolute truth versus what I "feel" in regards to this person who hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me in my life.

I have examined, dissected, analyzed ad nauseam, the facts are burned in my brain. And while I do not want this person back in my life, I miss her very much, am triggered by memories everywhere I go, and I know those 10 beliefs by heart and yet I am still stuck.  Grrrrr 

Sometimes I feel very detached, other times I want to "get her back" for all the nastiness she blew my way.  I would never stoop to her level but I think about it.  Then I get down on myself for thinking those thoughts about someone who is the emotional equivalent of a 3 year old.

I'm sick of this subject and I'm sick of myself!  I get all of this on an intellectual level, WTH is wrong with my heart?  Some days it feels irreparably damaged. I do not feel any FOG, I fly under the radar and mind my own business, I see friends, have hobbies, and am living my life, I'm making summer plans with others. Something is always smacking me of

her. I do have vivid dreams of her lately, when I wake up? the dreams are so obviously revealing of what I know is true. The recurrent theme is I could never "reach her".

I feel like an over processed photograph.

Ok, I needed to get that out... .

CiF

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi again here in PI

Sigh... . this total disengagement of a rs with a pwBPD is weird, hard stuff.  I still feel a lot of contradictions in what I know to be absolute truth versus what I "feel" in regards to this person who hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me in my life.

I have examined, dissected, analyzed ad nauseam, the facts are burned in my brain. And while I do not want this person back in my life, I miss her very much, am triggered by memories everywhere I go, and I know those 10 beliefs by heart and yet I am still stuck.  Grrrrr 

Sometimes I feel very detached, other times I want to "get her back" for all the nastiness she blew my way.  I would never stoop to her level but I think about it.  Then I get down on myself for thinking those thoughts about someone who is the emotional equivalent of a 3 year old.

I'm sick of this subject and I'm sick of myself!  I get all of this on an intellectual level, WTH is wrong with my heart?  Some days it feels irreparably damaged. I do not feel any FOG, I fly under the radar and mind my own business, I see friends, have hobbies, and am living my life, I'm making summer plans with others. Something is always smacking me of

her. I do have vivid dreams of her lately, when I wake up? the dreams are so obviously revealing of what I know is true. The recurrent theme is I could never "reach her".

I feel like an over processed photograph.

Ok, I needed to get that out... .

CiF

[LettingGo14]

Hello CiF.  Thank you for sharing.   I face tremendous contradictions and struggles day-to-day as well.   I have a "monkey mind" that goes all over the place, back and forth, from "what if... . " to "if only... " to "whatever... . "

Mindfulness meditation has helped me.   The idea is to sit with what arises, but to bring yourself back to the present moment.  Have you seen this workshop?  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

Meditation really does help with triggers.  It also helps when your cognitive brain is sick of doing exercises -- like mine gets!

[fromheeltoheal]

The recurrent theme is I could never "reach her".  Yep, same here, there was always a distance, she would never come to me all the way, she faked it a few times though, transparent the faking, even worse than just keeping the distance.

So sometimes I'm still shocked that I chased something I could never have, and accepted a lot of crap I shouldn't have trying, and that motivates me to get busy and do the work, learn, process, grow.  And other times I'm just fed up.  Fck it.  I don't want to think of any of this right now, I just want a distraction, and escape.  And sometimes I feel a sense of calm, and notice I have grown some, and am happy about it.  Am I where I'm supposed to be?  Who the hell knows, but believing I am feels good.  Stronger, all about getting stronger lately.  Sometimes getting stronger means doing nothing and resting.  Focus shift, that stronger.

[Cardinals in Flight]

The recurrent theme is I could never "reach her".  Yep, same here, there was always a distance, she would never come to me all the way, she faked it a few times though, transparent the faking, even worse than just keeping the distance.

So sometimes I'm still shocked that I chased something I could never have, and accepted a lot of crap I shouldn't have trying, and that motivates me to get busy and do the work, learn, process, grow.  And other times I'm just fed up.  Fck it.  I don't want to think of any of this right now, I just want a distraction, and escape.  And sometimes I feel a sense of calm, and notice I have grown some, and am happy about it.  Am I where I'm supposed to be?  Who the hell knows, but believing I am feels good.  Stronger, all about getting stronger lately.  Sometimes getting stronger means doing nothing and resting.  Focus shift, that stronger.

It's exhausting it's it? 

Thanks for listening.  Over night I came to know in my head that there's some fear, fear of knowing there will be no "next time", I did/do love her, maybe this is grief, maybe my heart is grinding to a halt with my head, whatever it hurts like hell.

CiF

[happylogist]

I could have written the post myself... . I started focusing on the situations when my mind goes off and I focus on him, it is when I am in stress or bored (in the train, walking alone).  When I am stress focusing on him makes me to detach from the actual stress at work or in other environment. The pain is stronger, it is more acute and I can see how unimportant other things are. So there is a positive side of distancing myself from the actual negativity. But there is a big problem - I basically substitute the negativity with a greater negativity. The same happens also when I have those "vacant mind" moments, when I can think of anything - I tend to think about him, because those are meaningful, familiar, emotionally strong thoughts. I do it till the moment I hit the bottom, cry or something and then wonder why I can't simply get over, let it go and end my grieving.

Lately I realized that this is not something new,  I am more co-dependent than I could imagine and I do not know how to self-soothe myself.

When do you focus on her?

[Cardinals in Flight]

I could be trying too hard not to foucs on her which backfires! I've experienced several losses of late, besides her, and honestly I could be substituting the focus of her for my other losses.  There's lots of good in my life and I cannot figure out why I keep wanting to share it with her... .

gaaaaaa

CiF

[heartandwhole]

Hi Cardinals in Flight,

I can really understand your frustration, and I lost my dad just before pwBPD, so I think your idea of substitution may be right on the money.  I think grieving for my dad and the relationship were all mixed up, or maybe I just denied the loss of my dad in favor of feeling the breakup, I don't know how to tell   

You've already gotten some great advice from others.  I just wanted to mention that sometimes resisting/judging the pain and hurt keeps us in a relationship with it, instead of letting the feelings move, as they do.  I know you can't *not* resist, either.  It's what happens, and it's okay to be exactly where you are.

Embracing the stuff that feels awful is hard, but I think it gets easier with practice. 

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thank you. 

Let me get this out... . I've had horses for 25+ years.  I lost my high dollar, high crisis (ding ding) type job a little over a year ago, ergo no money for my expensive hobby.  This morning, I put my last remaining mare on a trailer for her new home.  I was waiting on the side of the road for the shipper, looked into my rear view mirror. Saw the trailer and totally lost it.  So much emotion tied up there, so much joy in hauling,  going to shows, rescue horses, etc and a past rs tied to that hobby as well.  The letting go and the goodbyes just suck the life out of me right now in this moment.  XBPDGf knew how much I loved/lived for this passion I have, when I told her in our recent communication of several weeks ago, she had nothing to say... .

Two weeks prior, I had dropped everything to go take her to the vet to have her 15 yr old dog put to sleep... . I was there, I showed up even though we hadn't been talking or been "friiends".

I've done tons of hard stuff on my own, I didn't need her this morning but I did want her.  Like when anything unordinary occurred, I was there for her.  It was never my turn with her, nothing of mine mattered, or could rally a response, but she went silent, that's a response of a disordered person

I'm just going sob, let it out today, it sucks

CIf

[fromheeltoheal]

It was never my turn with her, nothing of mine mattered  Yep.  That's the biggest pitfall of falling for someone with a mental illness, and assuming they didn't have one going in.  Sorry Cardinals, been there and it hurts like hell.  Letting go of your beloved horses must have been really tough too; I've put two dogs to sleep after long, happy lives, and there aren't many things that are more painful.

I don't know if you've found this, but the gift of the relationship has been that there are and have been many people in my life who treat me like she did, not as extreme and dramatic, but not meeting my needs nonetheless, and removing them from my life has been so liberating, so freeing, especially since I didn't even consider the option before.  A few steps closer to the life of my dreams... .

If you gotta cry, cry.  Let it all out, make sure there's nothing left, great place to build from.  Take care of you!

[seeking balance]

I'm just going sob, let it out today, it sucks

This is what you need - I applaud you for the courage to work into finding your emotional truth and giving yourself the space to feel it - this is courageous CIF.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I feel like a massive mess, anything but courageous. Foolish? After all this time, all I know, all my understanding, its like I'm caught in a vacuum.  I'm fine and look "normal" to everyone else except a few close friends who know. I'm doing the right things, not neglecting daily chores, doing my meditations, sometimes I feel really good, with a lot of clarity knowing I did the right thing in finally cutting her out, but it feels bad the past several days, really really bad.

I'm whining, I've made progress, just wanted to be farther along, I want to know I won't keep going into the hole like this, geeze

Thanks SB, FHH

CiF

[seeking balance]

I'm whining, I've made progress, just wanted to be farther along, I want to know I won't keep going into the hole like this, geeze

I went through this a few weeks ago actually - I am doing something really big in my life and others are in control and it pushed all my buttons.  For a couple days, I was missing my ex and even cried - was it her?  Nah - not really, it was that out of control feeling and the reality if I do my best and everything just right, It still doesn't guarantee I get what I want... . core grief.

Maybe try not being so frustrated with yourself and sort of accept it as what happens when you feel sad or lost and alone or whatever it is you are feeling - what is it you feel actually?

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm really sad, sad that even in her very very high functioning self, nothing I said, nothing I did that was loving, caring, kind or thoughtful got through.  But let me voice any concern and I'm the evil bhit from hell and black as tar.  I know it wasn't wasted time, but I'm 53, and I'm having hard time not grieving my emotional investment over that time frame.  I did things wrong, and i tried to always make it right, and I was a good gf, I had one before her who will attest to that, we are good friends.  And I suppose it's like you say, I did my best I really did and it wasn't enough to change the outcome.

CiF

[seeking balance]

I'm really sad, sad

Ok, so you are sad - cry and be sad at everything... . honestly, don't you kinda think she is the easiest thing to be sad about because you still have a bit of an illusion you have some control there?

I mean, let's get down to it - you are sad because you are losing things and they are not in your control - right?

[Cardinals in Flight]

This is true! In my head I know that NOTHING but me is in my control.  I have a lot of faith that things are the way they are for a reason, already worked out.  But even knowing that I'm stuck here... .

[seeking balance]

This is true! In my head I know that NOTHING but me is in my control.  I have a lot of faith that things are the way they are for a reason, already worked out.  But even knowing that I'm stuck here... .

Some things are in your control and some things are not - what exactly are you stuck on, honestly?

[Cardinals in Flight]

I can't name it, I'm not sure.  I know for certain I cannot tolerate the abuse anymore so I needed to be done.  Check.  Its hard, I've never really cut anyone "out of my life".  I guess I feel like a failure. That old not good enough thing? I'm not sure

[seeking balance]

I can't name it, I'm not sure.  I know for certain I cannot tolerate the abuse anymore so I needed to be done.  Check.  Its hard, I've never really cut anyone "out of my life".  I guess I feel like a failure. That old not good enough thing? I'm not sure

Is it possible what you see as stuck that I see as deeply grieving all the losses?  Can you accept that you are going to have very sad, helpless feelings sometimes?

[Cardinals in Flight]

I guess? (sorry for delay, cat killed baby bunny, kid hysterical)

If this is grief? Real grief, I'm not sure I can willingly ever do this again.  This sucks  :'(

[seeking balance]

I guess? (sorry for delay, cat killed baby bunny, kid hysterical)

ugh - sadness

If this is grief? Real grief, I'm not sure I can willingly ever do this again.  This sucks  :'(

Yeah, it sucks.  But it is in going into it and accepting we sometimes do not get everything we want no matter how hard we try that we can start to be grateful - truly grateful - for the simple things.

CIF - you have gone back and forth with her more times than I really remember and each time you get closer and closer to this feeling... . it is up to you to stick with it or start over again.  If you are really done, sit in it and get through it - it takes time, but it honestly will pass.  Cry girl, cry until you have it out of your system.

[Cardinals in Flight]

You do know  :'(. And you've held my hand and gently kicked my butt and each and every time it was harder for me to accept what she handed to me, to tolerate the nastiness and it WAS abuse.  I cannot go back to that, and as sick and sad as I am in this very moment, I have zero desire to reach out, no smoothing it over this time or making HER FEEL BETTER. I finally had enough.  And I do have some self respect, and I do know I did not deserve, even in my ugliest self, her disdain or abuse.

[seeking balance]

You do know  :'(. And you've held my hand and gently kicked my butt and each and every time it was harder for me to accept what she handed to me, to tolerate the nastiness and it WAS abuse.  I cannot go back to that, and as sick and sad as I am in this very moment, I have zero desire to reach out, no smoothing it over this time or making HER FEEL BETTER. I finally had enough.  And I do have some self respect, and I do know I did not deserve, even in my ugliest self, her disdain or abuse.

It's not just her you know - there is some big stuff going on for you - life has changed and change is hard and scary.

What all have you lost besides her this year?

[Cardinals in Flight]

My good job that I loved, my horse, a drastic decline with a sick child (life/death situation), sigh... .

[seeking balance]

My good job that I loved, my horse, a drastic decline with a sick child (life/death situation), sigh... .

That is a lot of stuff CIF - honestly, can you cut yourself some slack that it is reasonable to be super sad right now?

[Cardinals in Flight]

I suppose so. I have another hard day tomorrow with a new doctor, it means giving the entire health history all over again.  Dredging that up is very very hard.  I know that I am rational, and this is why... . my child has a rare, neurodegenerative disease that the best places in our country cannot explain, after exhausting all avenues, I had to accept that sometimes there are no answers to the hard questions.  So we live day to day and take what comes, it's our life, and to us it's normal. I have mostly dealt with this myself, as family, friends, they shy away from the hard stuff because it makes them uncomfortable, they don't know what to say or do and I get that.

I want to come to the place of acceptance and move on with this other situation too, no answers, illness, i get it, so I guess I will, it's just going to take me longer... .

[seeking balance]

I suppose so. I have another hard day tomorrow with a new doctor, it means giving the entire health history all over again.  Dredging that up is very very hard.  I know that I am rational, and this is why... . my child has a rare, neurodegenerative disease that the best places in our country cannot explain, after exhausting all avenues, I had to accept that sometimes there are no answers to the hard questions.  So we live day to day and take what comes, it's our life, and to us it's normal. I have mostly dealt with this myself, as family, friends, they shy away from the hard stuff because it makes them uncomfortable, they don't know what to say or do and I get that.

I want to come to the place of acceptance and move on with this other situation too, no answers, illness, i get it, so I guess I will, it's just going to take me longer... .

I get it - honestly, I do. 

Losing things we love and attach security too is super hard - it is unsettling.  Going through your kids illness alone, it is hard too.

There is nothing emotionally easy about where you are CIF - it is ok to fall apart a bit.  It is called being human.

 

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thank you for listening SB, it's scary to fall apart though, I'm afraid I won't get it back together.

[seeking balance]

Thank you for listening SB, it's scary to fall apart though, I'm afraid I won't get it back together.

yeah - I know that feeling too - but you will, you really will get it together again... . it may look different - a "new together".

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm a tough old bird most of the time, so this is new different,

[Sunny Side]

Its hard, I've never really cut anyone "out of my life".  I guess I feel like a failure. That old not good enough thing? I'm not sure

Yep.  Impossible to remove such a deeply seated bond from our psyches and not leave a tremendous empty hole behind. The question then becomes what do we refill the hole with?  What do you choose to fill it with?  And yes, it's VERY hard.

I feel for you CIF but I also know it gets better.  Horse shows (junior hunters!) was something I shared with my ex so I've made sure to transfer some of that love back to my dog.  He's a sweet boy and deserves it!  Be sweet to yourself sometimes through this bullsh!t and realize (like I'm sure you do) that there's no way to get through it without experiencing pain... . but the pain passes.  Can't wait to get there myself  .