Do I have to continue NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello!

So it has been - I don't know, maybe 2 weeks of true NC. Yep, i couldn't play these head games anymore and finalized my relationship with my uBPDgf over e-mail around two weeks ago. So complete silence from me and from her. I browsed through our pictures, remembered things and started to feel better. But today she sent me a lengthy SMS. "I am sorry, please forgive me, how can I show you how much I love you when you are not around, please forgive me, I know I can provide you with what you need, I was so blind etc... . " And instantly I supposed, hmm, maybe it can work out, but then I realized, that I need to engage my logic - she hasn't changed. The thing is - the MOT test for her car is up in two days - and this is probably why she tries something. She has never done it by herself before. I don't know, maybe I am wrong. But very dumb things come to mind - something like, maybe she will ovulate soon (could be) and she knows how easy I am - don't know. I am paranoid, I seek for underlying agenda for her actions and words.

How to overcome this? Why she has to play head games - If she truly cared about me, she would offer to return my sporting equipment that I forgot in a rush at her place, or could just ask plane and simple - please help me with MOT test. But I guess it is always about her and things haven't changed and won't change. But still I have thoughts - maybe I am wrong? But if i engage in a new cycle with her - I will just hurt her and myself - how to overcome this urge? I don't understand how people can learn to trust them when they go for the 2nd, 3rd, etc cycle? HOW is it possible?

Thank you!

[mapys]

Hello!

So it has been - I don't know, maybe 2 weeks of true NC. Yep, i couldn't play these head games anymore and finalized my relationship with my uBPDgf over e-mail around two weeks ago. So complete silence from me and from her. I browsed through our pictures, remembered things and started to feel better. But today she sent me a lengthy SMS. "I am sorry, please forgive me, how can I show you how much I love you when you are not around, please forgive me, I know I can provide you with what you need, I was so blind etc... . " And instantly I supposed, hmm, maybe it can work out, but then I realized, that I need to engage my logic - she hasn't changed. The thing is - the MOT test for her car is up in two days - and this is probably why she tries something. She has never done it by herself before. I don't know, maybe I am wrong. But very dumb things come to mind - something like, maybe she will ovulate soon (could be) and she knows how easy I am - don't know. I am paranoid, I seek for underlying agenda for her actions and words.

How to overcome this? Why she has to play head games - If she truly cared about me, she would offer to return my sporting equipment that I forgot in a rush at her place, or could just ask plane and simple - please help me with MOT test. But I guess it is always about her and things haven't changed and won't change. But still I have thoughts - maybe I am wrong? But if i engage in a new cycle with her - I will just hurt her and myself - how to overcome this urge? I don't understand how people can learn to trust them when they go for the 2nd, 3rd, etc cycle? HOW is it possible?

Thank you!

[Ritchie53]

The cycle will continue ad nauseum until one of the following happens:-

a). You go full no contact and refuse any attempt for her to initiate contact - not guaranteed and can get messy.

b). She finds new supply and then you will be discarded and forgotten about and join the long list of abusers, jerks, wimps, bullies, users like all others before you. Then you will not hear from her... . for a while.

[LongGoneEx]

Yes, continue NC. Forever, preferably. In my experience BPDs break up with you to test their control of you. If you chase after them, they know they have control.  If you ignore them, they think they're losing control, and then you might get the "please come back, I'm sorry" speech, with a cherry on top. But if they have some other guy on the side, they might toy with you because they seek attention. That can be pretty cruel and degrading if you let it happen. If you keep believing them (i.e. believing that you can fix them), you keep getting recycled, and worn down more each time. There is a real danger to your long term emotional health.

Without years of therapy, BPD doesn't change. Even with it, it might not change. That therapy needs to come from a therapist, not from you, and they need to seek it themselves. Which they almost never do because they cannot admit any fault in themselves. Trust your gut. It's not about love. It's about control and about them. And I'd highly advise against telling her you know anything about her condition. Just walk away quietly and be glad you've dodged a bullet.

[Ritchie53]

Yes, continue NC. Forever, preferably. In my experience BPDs break up with you to test their control of you. If you chase after them, they know they have control.  If you ignore them, they think they're losing control, and then you might get the "please come back, I'm sorry" speech, with a cherry on top. But if they have some other guy on the side, they might toy with you because they seek attention. That can be pretty cruel and degrading if you let it happen. If you keep believing them (i.e. believing that you can fix them), you keep getting recycled, and worn down more each time. There is a real danger to your long term emotional health.

Without years of therapy, BPD doesn't change. Even with it, it might not change. That therapy needs to come from a therapist, not from you, and they need to seek it themselves. Which they almost never do because they cannot admit any fault in themselves. Trust your gut. It's not about love. It's about control and about them. And I'd highly advise against telling her you know anything about her condition. Just walk away quietly and be glad you've dodged a bullet.

I agree with all of this but will add to the cruel and degrading bit - it will be soul shattering, and totally agree with long term emotional health being damaged.

[mapys]

I have walked away already, and yes, maybe a mistake, but the first time I decided to separate - I told her, that I think she has BPD. Snap, she goes all over me - o so you have diagnosed me, then I am the bad one, look at yourself bla bla bla... . She didn't like it, for sure. I told her - seek a therapist, she promised me to do something about it, but not like - yea sure, I am on it, but like - Well If I have time I will search a web for the therapist. Then she found some dumb article about couple's therapy that suited her point of view and offered us to go. But I said to myself - wait, first of all it is about her (and me) - as individuals and only then about us as a union. So I didn't see any real effort to understand herself and to do something about it (though I explained my observations and what I have learnd - it was like she forgot everything in few mins). So it was a lot easier for me to really finalize this.

Numerous stories about other relationships have also taught me to prepare for the worst, so In a way - I was waiting for this SMS (didn't realize that it would come so soon).

But even tho I theoretically know what to expect, it is hard to stay still. I know she wouldn't refuse me, but such meaningless hookups with no future - why? Why I consider it as an option?

[Ritchie53]

One explanation for this is that you are still stuck in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Relationships with a BPD can really do a number on your psyche as over time you start questioning your own instincts and intuition - not a healthy place to be - time away will restore your balance and you will see the patterns more clearly for what they are. Where the non normally comes a cropper in these relationships is we fall in love or become at worst very fond of the BPD, they however manufacture love, it is not a real emotion for them - love is a need. Also confronting the BPD about their disorder is a gutsy move, albeit a very risky one, this can make them feel very threatened.

[Learning_curve74]

So mapys, is your mind up that this relationship is totally over? If you are decided, then what does it matter what her motives are?

The truth is that she is mentally ill and even she does not fully understand her actions, they are learned dysfunctional responses like ingrained habits and reactions.

What do YOU want, what do you value, and what limits and boundaries will you hold true to in a relationship?

[mapys]

Yep, I have decided. I would be a fool if I thought I can change her. I saw how she can change back to "old", when she felt like I am on the hook again. The numerous cases depicted in these forums and other resources are telling - there is nothing that can help her (and thus me as well) - even therapy is not the ultimate solution.

What I want is true love (as true as it can get), not that crazy drama found in soap operas.

Why I am thinking about her motives - I don't understand, I would guess that I am fascinated by what has happened to me, it is interesting how her mind works. And to be honest - what are the odds to find such person if the estimate is around 2-6% of population? I just had to be so "lucky" ... . Makes me think that there are a lot more of them than the official statistics.

My emotions are heightened also because my friend is going through a divorce (very suddenly his wife declared what a monster he is and is craving independence). Sad thing is, that they have a <2 year old. And when my friend very emotionally explained what is gong on, the kid caught the bad vibe and started crying (not like a child but like a grown man - completely silent, but tears running). At that point I understood - how truly lucky I am, that I haven't a child's soul. Ahhh - complete mess... .    

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes. You need to maintain 'No Contact'. It's the only way for you to be free and move on towards exciting new possibilities. Good luck.