Scared as hell... but...

[Pecator]

Funny part is, as I have read here, I too was getting tired of posting about my uBPDex. Last couple days I have spent reading workshops. Tremendous stuff there.

Then in one thread, Skip was encouraging "PI Board." I thought, never noticed that before. I should have a look at it.

Read "who should post here." At the end it says, "Only those with 50 posts will see this." Trigger shame. I felt like a kid who found an open door to some place he shouldn't be. I immediately clicked out of the board. Then I thought, I wonder how many posts I do have. Clicked my profile... . I had 50... . this is 51

Timing is everything.

I am clearly the "understanding driven lonely/vulnerable child" as well as probably the "vulnerable narcissist."

In many ways I am not ready to be here, But I can push my head out very far ahead of my heart

For example, as I read other posts, I realized I am the only one still with, "undecided" as my home board.

Three walks around the block and four cigarettes later I changed it... and cried.

But I am supposed to be here.

I saw my ex yesterday. I have changed a lot. No anxiety around seeing her. No desires to touch or hold her. She even didn't look as lovely as I have in her in my mind. I really felt my attraction to "her" greatly diminished.

As I drove the 1/2 hour home, it became clear that my attraction to "us" has not. I couldn't get her out of my mind. What is she doing? Is her relationship with my replacement gone sour yet... . Blah... . Blah... . Blah. Why? Clearly not because of the woman I just saw. I really felt indifference to her. Obviously this is about me.

I cried myself to sleeping thinking that I would never again get to hold her in bed, nor she me. Obviously again, the childhood ___ I need to heal.

I need to post about me... . not her or what she has done.

So I see already what I need to look at, but I can't just look at it.

I am hoping to find out what to do with what I see.

[Cumulus]

Hi pecator, timing is everything, I agree. So many times I thought I was stuck, nowhere to go, and something or someone showed up and I was able to follow that glimmer of light that was exposed. It sounds like you are still mourning. I don't think it is just the person we mourn but also the relationship and the dreams and hopes we had for it. Glad you are seeing the progress you have made, keep going!  Cumulus.

[seeking balance]

Funny part is, as I have read here, I too was getting tired of posting about my uBPDex. Last couple days I have spent reading workshops. Tremendous stuff there.

I still go back to some of the workshops - the wealth of information on this website is only as useful as those who dig into it.  Good job in even finding this board at 51 posts - that might be a new record!

Starting where we are - so, you are a lonely child and vulnerable narcissist - welcome to the party 

In all seriousness, change happens when we want to - not without a desire - so what is it that you want to work on?

[Pecator]

Well, 51 does indicate the wisdom within this place. It is not like there was a pop-up saying "You hit 50 posts. Check out PI!"

Oddly enough, when this board was ready for me, I have begun to see signs that I need this board.

As Cumulus pointed out, I still have a lot of grieving left to do. I still grieve my ex, my relationship, and the hopes and dreams that come along. I am confident I can handle that. That is not the work that scares me. It clearly is the "trauma bond" and the factors I brought to the relationship that I am having difficulties coming to peace with.

The part that scares me, and I have only begun to see this over the last couple of days, is that seeing her doesn't make me sad. It is not seeing her and letting my own head go out of control wondering that kills me. Thanks to what I have learned here, I am beginning to see that the path forward has little to do with her, it has far more to do with  me. (I would never have been able to say that a week ago)

The scariest parts are (for only a couple of examples)

I have a vein of information on her life. It so feeds that "understanding-driven" part of me. On many occasions I can honestly say it helped with detachment and brought me more quickly to this place. But I can't let it go, I can't bring myself to say "I don't want to know." It has become like an addiction. While it may have helped before, I am beginning to see that it is not a healthy part of me. It is a part of me I must let go if I am to move forward.

The grief that is beyond me is not about her. I can handle that I will never stand beside her and pledge my life to hers. I can grieve the dream we had of retiring to the beach we had begun to make plans to do. I can even let go of the hope we shared that gazing in one another's eyes would be the last moment of peace when one of us died. The most uncontrollable grief I have come with the words, "I will never again get to pinch her little cheek." "I'll never again get to rock her in my arms." "I will never again feel her hold me at night." Words that reflect a very young, dark place in me.

So, I have pushed my head along as far as it can go. I get all the intellectual insight. I have a map now. So how do I get my f'ing foot to take that first step into the right direction?

What do I do now that I get that I brought ___ to this r/s? What steps do I take at this early stage?

What do I want to work on? What do I do to focus my "understanding drive" on me. How do i find and address the deep (young) hurt that motivates my uncontrollable grief.

SB, I have read and learned from so many of you posts on other boards, I am so grateful for your taking time here.


BTW, I do have a great "T." I am thinking she will fall out of her chair when I express where I am at. I wouldn't blame her if she says, "I have been trying to tell you that for months!" (she of course would never). Still, one hour a week is not going to bring the healing I need to do now.

I am so grateful to have found this place.

[seeking balance]

What do I do now that I get that I brought ___ to this r/s? What steps do I take at this early stage?

You are taking them it sounds like - having a T, focusing on you... . giving yourself the TIME necessary to process these emotions.

What do I want to work on? What do I do to focus my "understanding drive" on me. How do i find and address the deep (young) hurt that motivates my uncontrollable grief.

BTW, I do have a great "T." I am thinking she will fall out of her chair when I express where I am at. I wouldn't blame her if she says, "I have been trying to tell you that for months!" (she of course would never). Still, one hour a week is not going to bring the healing I need to do now.

You have the answers - keep reading and trust your T... . ask your T to push you if you are ready for that... . tell her what you just wrote.

I found - Beyond Codependency and Codependent No More were good resources for understand childhood shame and how it shows itself as an adult... . basically, kids are shame sponges - in going there to see where I absorbed it, my T was able to help me release it - we did some deep work to do this.

There is a wealth of information here - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56208.0

Give yourself time to digest it, write about your feelings and continue with your T.

It will come together - keep in mind, it took time to get here, it is going to take some time to get to where you want to be too.

Peace,

SB