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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: A little good, constructive anger...  (Read 1466 times)
Sunny Side
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: April 09, 2014, 12:13:28 AM »

I thought it might help to release some good thoughtful emotion.  With all the anger, pain, suffering, daily triggers, flashbacks, mourning sickness, sadness, confusion, bitterness, feelings of retribution, shame, naiveté, stupidity, false hope, idealism, etc. that I experienced during the r/s, and that I still experience now (thankfully a lot less) I thought I'd just release a few nuggets I've been holding on to.

To my fellow Brothers and Sisters in grief and healing feel free to join in:

Dear ex-Whackjob (one of your favorite expressions):

I spent our entire r/s encouraging you to stop calling yourself "crazy" because I felt it took away your responsibility for being accountable for destructive behavior, however now I feel very safe in calling you a four alarm NUT.  Cray-cray.  Bonkers.  Able sugar.  51-50.  Beam me up, Scottie.  But seriously on any given day you were nuttier than squirrel s&*t…

There were times when I wanted to (but never did) sock you right in the kissers and I wouldn't have felt guilty at... . all.

Your crazy-making behavior drove…me… absolutely CRAZY!  I honestly don't know how I managed to keep it together -- or look like I was -- for as long as I did.  You could make Hannibal Lector weep.

You left your toothbrush at my house, I'm going to use it to brush my dog's teeth from now on.  On second thought, this is cruel to my dog…

You also left some undies, a nightie and some other personal items.  I need to check if I still have the number of that Voodoo doll maker in my rolodex... .

Your three little dogs are OUT OF CONTROL! Would it kill you to discipline them? And throwing food on the bare floor and feeding them hot dogs doesn't count!  And stop calling them "dumb stupid dogs".  They're actually the smart ones because they get to keep peeing and pooping on your floor.

You're stinking rich!  Why is everything at your house falling apart?  And two young kids and no First-Aid kit in the house, or even a Band-Aid?  It's like 10 bucks at CVS.

Aren't 100 pairs of designer jeans enough?

Not every single new person you meet can be your BFF!  And you're 45, we don't have BFF's!  Grow up!

And no, it's not okay for your ex-partying-drinking-buddy-BFF-blackout-drunk-neighbor to come banging on the door of your house at 11 o'clock at night!  This is not normal behavior.

I am not, never was or ever will be attracted to any of your ridiculous, bird-brained friends so please stop saying I am.  Seriously, do any of them read books?

Conveniently forgetting something you just said last week or 6 months ago does not make it so.

Stop projecting! It's not about them, it's about YOU!

Does everyone in your neighborhood need to see ALL of your boobs?  Think about the children!

Wearing the entire bottle of perfume is not sexy…

The word is "SUS-tain" not "SUBS-stain"!  For f&*k's sake this drove me cray-cray.

A TV show is a TV show, not a MOVIE.  The words are not interchangeable!

Your dad the ex-Ob/GYN is a true sociopath and I feel sorry for him.  Truly, the world will be a much better place once he is gone.

Your 69 year-old mom smokes more weed than both Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg combined.  And no we don't need to see her boobs either.

Stop saying other people keep bothering you when you keep telling them all your business! 

Got boundaries?

Stop sleeping in bed with your son, he's 10!

Your son should not be stroking your hair like he's your lover -- he's 10!

And stop screaming at him for ordering things on Amazon when you keep giving him your credit card number.  (He's 10!)

Parenting is not "optional"! And stop buying your kids' affection, they just want you to be present.

No, everyone is not saying "bad things" about you all the time, they're not even talking about you!

And stop trying to read my face! Every inadvertent quiver of my lip or twitch of my eyeball does not mean I think you're the devil.

Your sister is the devil.  That girl eats pwBPD's and Codependents like Cheerios.

And stop with the hair twirling already! You're a grown woman with a working brain of your own, not one of Hef's bunnies!

Do you even know what a "friend" is? Hint: they don't exist just to fill your needs.

And no, I wasn't always "secretly in love with you before our r/s started", I thought you were an angry, unstable nut (see #1).  I really didn't like you and yes I'm actively trying to figure that one out.

And yes, I absolutely fell in love with you (or maybe it was my self or false self or fantasy self or Google self or something -- thanks a lot 2010) and would have fought for the r/s for the long haul until I realized we were actually filming an episode of the Twilight Zone with me in the role of the poor sucker who sees the monster on the wing of the plane.  And we all know how that ended.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dar2HKImK-0

Sweet Thing, I am now officially retired as your mirror, your lover, your therapist and your angry, persecuting parent, too.  So go on, grasshopper.  You are now free. 







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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2014, 12:50:46 AM »

Sunny Side,

Nice release of some good thoughtful emotion!  These are my favorite four:

You also left some undies, a nightie and some other personal items.  I need to check if I still have the number of that Voodoo doll maker in my rolodex... .

Not every single new person you meet can be your BFF!  And you're 45, we don't have BFF's!  Grow up! Smiling (click to insert in post)

Does everyone in your neighborhood need to see ALL of your boobs?  Think about the children!  

The word is "SUS-tain" not "SUBS-stain"!  For f&*k's sake this drove me cray-cray.

AO

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Sunny Side
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« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2014, 11:17:35 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Awakened, rediscovering humor has definitely helped me to cope and I lump it into the "processing" stage of detachment.  And yes, when looking at some of the things I accepted as "normal" (from myself as well) in the r/s from outside the context of how painful they are/were can be absolutely hilarious.  And laughter helps usher misery right out the door.   Hope you got a chuckle or two  .
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seeking balance
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« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2014, 12:54:02 PM »

Sunny Side,

I am a big fan of writing all this stuff out so we can let it go.  It also helps when we get weepy and sad missing them to read it back.

When I read back my similar list - I laugh at myself that I allowed it to get as ridiculous as it did at times.

Constructive anger helps us detach - being mindful of using anger as a default to hurting is key.

Peace,

SB
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
Sunny Side
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« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2014, 02:01:46 PM »

SB, thank you!  My second session with my T is tonight.  My first session was spent mostly breathlessly spilling out the r/s history which is vast and sordid, but reading through so many histories on this site (and it seems we all say this often) it's EERIE the patterns so many of our r/s's followed to a "t":

Triangulation... . enmeshment... . engulfment... . conflict... . release.  Rinse and repeat.

One thing I did notice as our r/s wore on was that I WASN'T laughing as much as I used to, which is a large part of my core identity.  And the two of us used to laugh together at many things.  But as the dysregulations became more frequent and engulfment loomed, it was as if that side of me was slowly turning to stone.  I simply wasn't having much fun anymore and I knew things weren't 'right'.

Chazz, one of the members here whose posts I enjoy greatly, had a great way to put this 'disappearing of self':

"When you see yourself, waving goodbye to yourself, it's time to go."
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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2014, 03:10:38 PM »

  Great idea and list, Sunny Side!

I'm with you -- I LOVE to laugh. My exbf and I used to have so much fun joking, being silly, laughing together. As time went on, and everything I said/did seemed to be wrong... . well, I was crying much more than I was laughing. I didn't even feel stable or comfortable enough to really enjoy things anymore.

I've been weepy today, and this made me smile.

Excerpt
rediscovering humor has definitely helped me to cope and I lump it into the "processing" stage of detachment.  And yes, when looking at some of the things I accepted as "normal" (from myself as well) in the r/s from outside the context of how painful they are/were can be absolutely hilarious.  And laughter helps usher misery right out the door.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Sunny Side
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« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2014, 04:40:20 PM »

I've been weepy today, and this made me smile.

Smiling and laughing really is good medicine, HappyN.  Try to find something to make you belly laugh at least once a day even if it was the batsh!t crazy stuff from the r/s.  It's helping to bring me back to who I am Smiling (click to insert in post).
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2014, 06:50:02 PM »

Sunny Side,

I'm glad laughter is returning once again into your life. I hope you can subs-stain this.

AO
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seeking balance
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« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2014, 06:52:42 PM »

I hope you can subs-stain this.

Now that WAS funny  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
Sunny Side
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« Reply #9 on: April 09, 2014, 10:27:02 PM »

I hope you can subs-stain this.

NOOoo!
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letmeout
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« Reply #10 on: April 09, 2014, 10:39:02 PM »

Thanks for my laugh of the day!

We're not in Kansas anymore Toto.
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Lamaiel
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« Reply #11 on: April 10, 2014, 09:37:18 AM »

My list to my exBPD who told me I wasn't taking this relationship seriously enough, that I wasn't committed

When I learned a family member died while you were laying next to me, maybe you should have done more than say  a quick sorry and go back to your laptop. 

It's funny, you would pick at various things and behaviors I had, and made sure to mutter "red flag". How ironic is that?

Stop bringing up your ex boyfriend of 5 years, I have heard ENOUGH about how intelligent he is, how good looking he is.  You were together for 5 years, you suddenly broke up with him, and he was dating someone a few weeks later.  I used to think he was a complete ass, now I know better... . there is a reason he cut off almost all contact with you.  He knows better.

I remember walking into your apartment before your birthday dinner with friends, you turned the corner and gave me a look of disgust when you saw it was me.  Earlier that day you used the $300 spa package I had given you as a present.  You're welcome?

During that birthday dinner, I looked at you with concern bc you looked stressed out... . thanks for calling me a "creeper" in front of your friends.  Real nice of you.

You loved to say how much better looking you were than me, that I was "2 points" lower than you.  I'm going to be honest, I'm pretty sure that was the other way around hun.

When I had a bout of my heart palpitations occur when you were laying next to me and I had to rush home to take my meds, maybe you should have done more than roll over and go back to sleep.

Eating in bed?  Extremely Gross.

You are 24 years old... . why don't you try exercising once in a while?  I dated you for 6 months and you didn't exercise once.

Speaking of that, one of your excuses for breaking up with me?  "All we did was lay in bed"  No hun, THATS ALL YOU DID.  While eating.

Did you seriously SCREAM at me in a taxi cab for recommending a better way home?  That isn't "daddying" you, that's suggesting a cheaper way home.

Did you really scold me for wiping my boots on your neighbors outdoor mat?  Did that really happen?  Remember the next day when you came into my apartment with wet boots and stomped around?  Where was my apology?

Did you really admonish me for "messing up" your sheets WHILE WE SLEPT IN THEM?

Remember when I didn't pull up into your driveway, and you said you had to walk in extra 5 feet?  Remember how mad you were?  Yeah you brought it up constantly for the next 6 months.  "A Real boyfriend would have pulled up".  OK.

Remember how you never once asked me what I was looking for in a relationship?  How I was feeling?  What I needed?  NOT ONCE.  Did you ever apologize once in our relationship?  NO.

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